A Gift of Love

A Gift of Love
By Little Hawk

“…I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb.” Jeremiah 1:5

The sky beyond her curtains was cast in lead tones. It was a perfect compliment to her state of mind. Panic and fear yanked on the tight grip she had on her emotions. She could not believe how overwhelmed she felt. She was pregnant.

“I’ll get an abortion,” Lilly had told the woman at the clinic. She had meant it, then. Now, she was not so sure. The future was a long, scary tunnel that seemed to swallow up all the dreams she had planned so carefully. In the future, children had figured prominently, but later, in the perfect time, not now with everything in confusion and flux. All she could imagine now was curling up in bed and hiding from the world. Lilly and her boyfriend - EX-boyfriend she reminded herself for the hundredth time- Ken, had just had a horrible and painful breakup. Was this the environment to bring a baby into? She just did not know. Responsibility and change were inevitable. She had to do something. She called the one person she knew who had experience with abortion and looked forward to being reassured that this was the right path to follow.

“Don’t do it, honey!” pleaded Mary over the phone. “Please, don’t!”

“But, you did!” Lilly sobbed, shakily leaning against the table.

“Yes”, she replied sadly. “ I did and I regret that decision every day.”

“What should I do then?”

“Adoption,” was the immediate reply. “I would be willing to raise the baby for you, if you want! But please, please, don’t go for an abortion.”

“Adoption? To give up my baby and never see him again? Never know what happened to him or her, or what kind of parents he’s been given too? I don’t think I could.”

“Sweetie, there are so many couples who would love to have a baby, and can’t. Please, think about it. I know you are scared, hurt and confused, but there are options. Please!”

As she hung up the phone, Lilly stared unseeing at the cramped apartment she shared with Ken. Had shared, she reminded herself, as she shook off her reverie. Decisions had to be made, but not at that moment. She took herself to bed for a quick nap before going to work.

Several days passed. Lilly mulled over the pros and cons of the choices she faced. To keep the baby and raise him alone. She found that a daunting proposition, but a possibility. After her parents’ divorce her mom had managed the feat – so it was possible. To keep the baby and marry the father? This thought she found unbearable. Ken was not ready for the responsibility and had cast hateful insinuations about not being the father. She shook her head to rid herself of those thoughts and turned back to the problem at hand. Abortion. She felt a cold chill at the thought, and heard Mary’s impassioned plea in her mind. Adoption. All she could see with that word was an old black and white film she had seen years ago. In it, young women stayed in some far away place and the moment baby came into the world, the infant was whisked off, never to be seen by the mother. That was definitely something she could not see herself doing.

She found no relief in her thoughts and decided to take a walk in the park. It was a lovely spring afternoon. A fuzzy, warm breeze caressed her face, redolent with the perfume of lilacs and fresh mown grass. Children ran past, playing tag. Her heart gave a painful lurch watching their play, while her hand drifted over her still flat belly. Maybe the park was a mistake, she thought, and began to tread home. Everything reminded her of her present condition.

“Celia, she’s beautiful!” Lilly heard a female voice from the other side of a juniper bush exclaim. “I can’t believe she is finally here.”

“Isn’t she a doll, Alice?” came the excited reply. “And worth every moment of waiting we endured!”
“You waited so long for a baby! Was there any problem with the birthmother?”

“Oh, no! Teresa is wonderful. It’s just that we had to wait to be chosen.”

“What was Teresa like?” Alice asked softly.

“When we first met Teresa, she seemed scared, mostly. There was so much going wrong in her life and she was stressed, overworked and worried about the future.” That sounded familiar, Lilly thought. She sneaked a peak through the branches of the bush. Thick auburn hair fanned over a baby snuggled on her lap, drooling contentedly.

“I’m sure she was stressed out and scared”, commented a small, athletic woman as she wiped drool from the baby’s chin, “but what was she like?”

“Hmmm… smart, funny and caring. She’s interested in botany and plans to pursue that in college. She said she felt like she was a piece of wood in a whirlpool, -- in motion, but getting nowhere.” The baby had fallen asleep, and glancing down, a radiant smile graced Celia’s lips. “Hurry!” she said quietly, “Take a picture, so I can send it to Teresa!”

“Sure”. Alice said, chuckling. “You know, I think that smile you have would outshine a lighthouse!”


Lilly turned away from the women and began walking home again; thinking about the scene she had just witnessed. Celia was a mother in the truest sense. The fact that someone else had given birth to her baby did not diminish her ability to give her unconditional love.

On the way home she spied a small church. A sudden decision made her duck in to rest and think. As soon as her feet crossed the threshold, peace descended. It was cool and dim; there was a soft rustle of parishioners. She half listened to the voice from the lectern as her eyes roamed the interior. She had never been to this church; nevertheless, the surroundings were familiar and soothing. Very much like being enfolded in your mother’s arms after a hard day. Stained glass windows, emblazoned by the sun, depicted the life of Jesus in beauty and majesty.

“The LORD gave me a message,” the priest said, “I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my spokesman to the world.’” Lilly’s head whipped to the front of the church. Those words pierced her heart like a sword and shattered her indecision.

People streamed by unnoticed. She stayed and made her way to the front of the church. She knelt in the front pew, raised her eyes, and poured out her heart. As she knelt, the voice of her Sunday school teacher from years past whispered in her ear. Whenever you feel in trouble, remember these words Jesus said: “I will not let you be without a friend: I am coming to you.” She found comfort in those words and prayed for help.

She did not know how much time passed when she felt a warm hand on her shoulder. A kindly, older man stood gazing at her sympathetically. “May I help you with anything?” he asked. “You look like you could use a friend.” He sat down next to her.

Lilly tried to tell him everything was fine. Instead, the whole, painful truth came pouring out in a torrent. When she finished, she felt a weight lift off her shoulders.

“He that shall humble himself shall be exalted,” the man murmured. “God is so happy when His lost sheep are found! Do you feel better?”

“Yes, I do!” she laughed as she brushed her tears away.

Warm wrinkled hands engulfed her damp fingers. “So, what else can I help you with today?”



Several months later, Lilly sat cross-legged on the carpet at her mother’s house. The life inside, demonstrating vigor pressed out her bellybutton with a bony knee. “Hey in there,” she murmured gently, watching the rise and fall of her stomach, “that’s a tender spot! Could you move over a bit?” Apparently inheriting her stubborn streak, she saw her bellybutton pooch outward again. Sighing resignedly, she resumed looking through a stack of folders. Each folder held a picture of a smiling couple, a sheet of facts, and two hand-written letters. The adoption agency compiled these profiles to match with her vision of the right parents for her baby. Every couple seemed perfect. The letters were sincere, hopeful and loving. She had deliberated for days and had finally narrowed her choice to three couples. As she read the letters again, one couple seemed to leap out of the folder and into her heart. Their warm words of encouragement and understanding passed over her in a wave of love. These were the ones. They were the parents she had been looking for.

The day had come. Unto Lilly, a child was born, not a king, an angel. The brightest star in Lilly’s universe and the sun she revolved around. His soft heaviness pressed sleepily on her heart while his baby smell filled her nose. She would remember this day always. She kept her son with her throughout his first night and day, resting only in moments. She savored every second, committed to memory each sigh, the lazy lift of an eye, even the diaper changes. This was her day with her son, before he became theirs. She knew they waited anxiously, but her specially chosen couple respected her time, her brief foray into motherhood. It was all she had asked for. Just one day.

The next evening, her son left her arms for good. Everyone cried tears of happiness and loss, and those special tears reserved for times of great sacrifice and love. She knew her baby was going to a good home, a loving family, and she felt an overwhelming sense of rightness and destiny in this adoption. There would be pictures, letters, and visits in the future, as many as she wanted. This was the plan they had worked out together. There would be no stigma, no mystery, to this adoption. In fact, many of his cousins and neighborhood playmates were children of adoption. It did not lessen her heart’s aching. Time would be her greatest physician. “I will not let you be without a friend: I am coming to you.” Yes and my greatest friend will carry me along until I find my feet, she thought.

As the new family left the room, Lilly cried, long soul-cleansing sobs that left in their path, a sense of release. As she wiped her face, her glance caught sight of a beautiful rainbow, arching over the tree outside her window. A glorious sign that God was indeed her friend and would be with her, always.


Devotional

Today, the situation Lilly found herself in is quite common. Unfortunately, many often turn to the “quick and easy” solution of abortion. The fear and confusion generated by their situation plunges them headlong into an irreversible decision. We all flinch from hardship and sacrifice. It is in our nature to do so. However, we are called to a life of giving. God sent us a perfect example to follow, His Word made Flesh, giving us His only begotten Son. (John 3:16) Our Lord was not spared suffering in this life. He lived simply with the cares of poverty and hard work. Why are we today, so consumed by greed and self-indulgence? Do we call ourselves Christian, but conveniently skip over teachings that call us out of our comfort zone? Do we “..deny ourselves, take up our cross..” and follow? (Matthew 16:24)

Lilly chose a path that led directly to great pain and sacrifice for herself, but also great joy and consolation for the adopting couple. She gave them what they could not obtain for themselves, as we are given the hope of eternal life, not through our merits, but through the love and sacrifice offered for us on the cross. We are commanded to love as He has loved us. “That there is no greater love, than to lay down our life for a friend.” (John 15: 12-13) This is not only the sacrifice of physical life, but also a dying to our self, our selfishness. We are called to tread the paths that turn us away from sin and selfishness towards love and God. It is in our nature to rebel like Eve, to say no to God. (Genesis 3:6) Let us allow God to call us from these shadowed places and say yes like Mary. (Luke 1:38)

When we say that yes, we must place ourselves on the very precipice of Faith, look into the unknown and trust, letting His will be done in our lives. We must let it call us out of ourselves, to live for others. “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I dedicated you, a prophet to the nations I appointed you.” (Jeremiah 1:5)

When we do answer that call with Faith and Love, we discover a Lord who is meek and humble of heart, whose yoke is easy and burden light. (Matthew 11:29-30) Beside us travels a friend.



Prayer


Oh, God, you sent your only begotten Son to teach us. Through his death and resurrection, allow us to become the adopted children of the Heavenly Father. Help us to reach out to You in our times of need, knowing that You are our constant and loving friend.

Bio

Little Hawk is a full time wife, mother, and home educator. She lives with her husband and five children in Wyoming. Her firstborn son lives with his adopted family in Colorado.