Self-Destruction

His hands grabbing all over my body. His warm mouth upon mine. Even though I was turned on, I felt disgusted. Disgusted with myself, disgusted with what we were doing, disgusted with how my life turned out. I was so young and full of possibilities, but I ruined all my chances.

It began when I was tired of my home life. Being yelled at by my mum, being hit by my dad. I took matters in my own hands one day. I went to a concert, I forgot whom, but anyways, I went around asking people if they had a place I could stay. I heard no over and over and the concert was almost done.

Then came him. He was gorgeous, everything I ever looked for in a guy. He was 6’ and skinny, but very well toned. His black hair was past his ears and his bangs were pushed to one side. His eyes green and welcoming, his lips full and flushed with a lip ring to the right, and a square jaw. I bet he had a perfect smile. I was so intimidated; I couldn’t even try to measure up to him.

Me being at 5’6”, I was an “average” size for a woman. I was working a busty-hour glass shape that I hated. My hair was short and black with a choppy cut that flew everywhere. Green eyes, which he eventually told me, “held too much pain.” I had big lips, with a little off-color teeth from smoking, and a tongue ring. I started to blush when I was walking to him and lost breath when out eyes caught one another’s. When I reached him, he turned towards me.

“You have very mysterious eyes.” Were his first words to me. His voice was deep and soothing, I bet he was a singer. He gave me a knowing smile, perfect.

“Thank you,” I smiled shyly. “Hey I know this is probably a long shot, but do you have a place I could stay?”

“Yeah, sure.”

After the concert I followed tom to him loft, it was brilliant. He asked if it was alright if we shared a bed. I didn’t mind, I even wanted to. We got close over the months, our relationship was innocent and we were friends. By then I had gotten all my things from home to there. And he gave me a job as a singer with him in the band, which were doing well for themselves. All in all I was happy with life for the first time in a while.

Then I started dating the guitarist in the band, his name was Embry. Tom was against it from the beginning, said Embry was bad news for me, but I didn’t listen. Soon enough I was sporting bruises and cuts and tom was worried for me. I told him to lay off, that it was all an accident. I started being a bitch to the one person who helped me get my life together and truly cared about me. Embry was controlling and jealous, he hated me sleeping in the same bed with Tom. The accusations were heavy on my heart and I started taking acid to dull the pain. But each time the pain got worse, but I was addicted to the high and couldn’t stop.

Tom and I got in fights every morning and then every night Embry would abuse me. After about 5 months of this, Embry convinced me to move in with him. I thought I was in love with Embry, but I was oblivious of what he was doing to me. I was in love but with Tom, and at this moment I realized it. I should have realized this a week ago when Tom admitted he loved me. I only thought he was trying to break up Embry and I.

And now I stand here with Embry’s skin pressed up against mine and I want to vomit. It feels as though little bugs are crawling all over me. My head is spinning, I want to pass out, I need to run. Run to Tom and beg him for help. I want things back to when I was happy. When Tom would hold me when we slept. When we were talking to each other.

I push at Embry, trying to get away. I shut my body off and stop responding to his touch. But he just holds on tighter. I didn’t give in, but that doesn’t stop him. He fucks me with my protests. He rapes me; he takes my pride and gives me more self-destruction. He hits me in the face a couple of times and calls me a dirty slut. He goes to shower as I lay on the floor crying and rocking myself.

Just in and instance something breaks in my head. I grab his guitar and smash it into the walls and floor. Then I bend down and pick up a broken piece. I see my battered reflection in it until I breathe and it fogs over. I carry it behind my back smiling right as Embry steps out of the shower.

“Hey slut, “ he doesn’t put a towel on, his body makes me feel sick. “ Come back for more have ya?”

“I’ve come back for something,” I say coyly as I tread up to him.

He starts to reach out to push me against the wall. I won’t let him. I take the piece of the guitar and swing it into his head. I knock him out cold. I look and he’s still breathing. I run into the bedroom and grab some clothes and most of my lyrics. I hear Embry’s groans in the bathroom. I panic and grab a trench coat, throw it on my naked self, grab my bag and run out the door. I run the 20 minutes to Tom’s place.

I finally reach his door and knock. The door opens, his smiling face turns to horror when he sees me. I keel over and get sick. I fall to my knees, Tom picks me up and brings me to the bathroom. After 10 minutes of throwing up I roll away from the toilet.

Tom looks at me like I’m death. I don’t blame him, I both feel like and look like death. I picked up snorting coke lately and did it whenever Embry wasn’t molesting or abusing me. My skin was yellow under all the bruises and crusted blood. I hadn’t showered or eaten in 4 days, and probably lost 15 lbs in the past week.

I tell him everything that happened between Embry and I, down to the exact feelings. As I started to calm down he ran me a tub and left me to clean off. I got in, the nice feeling of warmth flushed over my body. No matter how much I scrubbed I still felt dirty..

I put my head under the water, the scenes from today flash through my eyes. tears try to stream down my face but the just mingle in with the dirty water. the thought of my tears being washed away frightened me, I don’t know why but just did. pressure starts to building in my chest and spreads through my body. I open y mouth and try to suck in air, all I gulp in is water. I fly up from the tub and sputter and cough out the water. I get out and pull the plug and watch my dirt from Embry slowly go down the drain.

I stand in front of a mirror. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. Dark circles around my eyes, veins sticking out of my sickly looking skin. my nose red and cracked, my lips chapped. I was hideous. how did Tom know it was me when he answered the door? I rustled through the drawers in the bathroom looking for hope, for answers. nothing was there, I walked away with a blow-drier in my hand. I saw my reflection again and chucked the hair drier at that creature, only to break the glass.

the bedroom must have some answers, I move into there, pulling everything out of anywhere. I lose the feeling in my body. I lose my ability to tell what I was doing. Tom comes in frantic, rustling of papers. Hands tearing things apart, were they mine? Arms around my waist pulling me away, no I need to find the answer. I grab the handle of a drawer and kick and scream, the arms keep pulling. I see a gun. the answer. I go limp, we fall, I blackout.

Bang, bang, bang! is that sound in my head? it’s so loud it hurts. I'm going crazy, make it stop. I toss and turn, what the hell is going on? my eyes open, I sit up. I’m clothed I don’t remember getting dressed. I wipe off my face, it was drenched with tears. There is the banging again, I'm still not sure if it’s real or my head. Yelling now accompanies the banging. what is happening.

I slide out of the bed and look around the corner. there is Tom, his arms are flailing, his voice is raised. Who is he talking to? I look farther around the corner, Embry is standing there yelling back. I press myself against the wall and slide down. I press my knees to my chest and start to panic. my heart speeds up, I'm having trouble breathing. why is Embry here? I strain my ears to hear what they are saying but I only hear pounding and yelling. I can’t comprehend their words. I need to stop this, Embry need to leave Tom and I alone. I need the answer. I can't remember where it is. Think...

Flashback...hands striking down on me. Flashback...my battered expression fogging over. Flashback...going through drawers, finding the answer. The dresser across from the bed. I go to it, start-opening drawers. After about the third drawer I find it. I pick up the answer. I open the chamber, it’s full, perfect.

I walk out towards the door, the gun behind me in my pants Embry sees me, his eyes get wide. he runs towards me, his hand raised, him yelling again. I cower, I fall to the floor and scrunch up, he’s over me. Tom grabs him and throws Embry against the wall. I stand up, I need to stop this. I pull the gun out and scream.

Tom and Embry look over. They start talking to me, I can’t hear them, just the pounding. I raise the gun and aim. Embry’s eyes grow in fear, he pushes himself against the wall trying to become invisible. It doesn’t matter, I shoot the gun 3 times. Tom falls to the floor, dead. One bullet in his chest, on is his stomach, one missed and in the wall. Embry looks at me like I’m crazy, and now I agree with him.

“leave Tom and me the fuck alone asshole!” I place the gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. Blood and brains everywhere, I crumple to the floor. The last year of my life passes through my eyes. The band, Embry, hurt, hunger, pain, happiness, love, then Tom. It’s the end my friend. The end of all of time, the end of all of mine. It’s the end.