Fantasy or Reality?

Do you believe in fate?

The words sat on the screen for a while staring at me. An interesting question. There was always strange things happening in my life. They weren’t always good but then again they weren’t always bad either. I thought about it for a while longer then my fingers found the keyboard.

Yes, I do

I have been talking to him for a while now. We met online in one of those random chat rooms and had started talking. Weeks would go by and we wouldn’t talk to each other then all of a sudden he would ask a random question and spark a conversation. We would banter back and forth about life. Sometimes the conversation was serious and other times it was humorous. It always put a smile on my face though.

Why do you believe in fate?

Another great question. I thought about it and tried to figure out a way to explain my reasoning.

I believe in fate because it’s good to believe in things sometimes.

Is fate in charge of everything or does it only guide parts of our lives?

I believe that fate guides only a few things in my life. I am a control freak and by nature I like to believe that some things are completely in my control.

Are you in control of your fate?

Darn it. I hate when he does that. He asks me a simple question and I give simple answers then he tricks me somehow. Am I in control of my fate? I’d love to say that I am. I would love to say that whatever I want in life is what I end up getting. I would love to believe that I can will anything to happen. The truth is though that I rarely get what I want. If I did I would be happily married now to a major celebrity who adores me for my mind as well as my size 18 body. Everyone in the world would love me and I’d never have a miserable day in my life.

I’m thirty years old and single. Not at all by choice. I am always in love with one man or another. The problem is simple. None of them love me. Sure I have had the occasional fling with a man who would say those magical 3 words. It was usually followed up a few weeks later with him saying "It’s not you, it’s me" and then he would walk out of my life.

Things just never seem to work out quite how I want them to. Over the years I have found that my fantasies are much better than my realities. It’s so much easier to create a perfect world in my mind. The perfect men who love me. The perfect life. Even my mother is nice to me in my perfect world. It’s quite nice sometimes. I stare back at the computer screen.

Well? are you controlling your fate?

I guess I would have to say no. What about you? How do you feel about fate?

I believe that fate exists and I allow it to do whatever it feels should be done. I’m sorry I must cut this short but I must go now. I will talk to you another time.

With that he signed off. Who knows when I’ll see him again. He always has this way of getting into my head and making me think. Then as soon as I want to really discuss the topic he vanishes again. Until next time.

Okay back to my fantasy world. I am amazing at fantasies. It started when I was a kid. My mom would be nagging me about one thing or another. Why didn’t I clean my room? Why is my hair a mess? Why am I eating again? While other kids were out playing with each other I was at home alone and hiding in the closet of my room.

It was there that I would create my life of fantasy. I would imagine a handsome prince who would find me alone in the forest. He would take one look at me and tell me I was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. He would not point out that I was a little overweight or point at the large round pimple that had shown up on my nose.

He would sit and talk with me for a few hours then he would tell me that he cannot bear to be without my company. He'd ask me to come to his castle. I will not even return home to get my belongings because he will buy everything for me. My mother will wonder where I went and then she would receive a wedding announcement in the mail. It would state that the prince and I are getting married. It would all be so perfect. Of course as I got older my fantasies changed a little bit. I’m no longer looking for the prince or the castle.

I sign off the computer and head to bed. I turn out the lights and snuggle in down under the comforter. It has been another long day. I am always struck at night by how my day has changed my view on things. With that I drift off into a deep sleep.

I start out in the morning only thinking of how nice it will be to get back into bed at night. I wish I could just spend the day in the security of my bed. It never happens though. I eventually crawl out of bed and head toward the shower. Tripping over my clothes from the night before. I really do need to learn how to keep things a little more organized. There is never time though because I am always running late.

I turn the shower on and wait for it to warm up a little before jumping in for a quick once over. I avoid looking into the mirror at all costs. No need to remind myself that I’m not a super model.

After the shower I head back into my room to try to find something to wear. I always start out trying to find something cute, sexy and professional. I end up with something that fits and doesn't look too horrifying. I wish I was born with some fashion sense but alas that gift was never given to me.

I go through my work day with a dreariness that comes from doing the same thing all the time. I am on automatic pilot until it's time to go home. It's when I get home that I realize it's finally time for myself. I sign online and start reading my email.

Its like I join another world. One that is just for people like me. Those of us who don't fit into the stereotypical beautiful people category. It's online that my true personality can come out. I get to show that I'm an amazing person, or at least I can convince people that I might be.

I know that I sound like I'm just a depressing person. I'm not really. I have my good days. I prefer to think that I'm just realistic sometimes. I have a great fantasy life but when I have to think about it, I realize that there are great contrasts between my fantasy and my reality.