Pornography

I want you so much, oh my god it hurts, my eyes water from the hurt
The wanting is the most painful thing, knowing I can’t have I thing you most desire
I have resorted to crying myself to sleep at night, because that’s when it hurts most
When I am alone in bed, and I realize your not alone in bed
That’s when I think about my you, and once the thought process starts
It does not stop

One bad thought breeds into another bad thought
And then I am tortured by mental images of you
Of you telling me that it would never work between us
Of you telling me I shall never hold you

My god I must break these thoughts, and it doesn’t help me any that I’m horny now
Yes, I might be a romantic but I too suffer the same wants and cravings as everyone
I want to be touched so bad, I want to be told I’m beautiful, I want to be held
I want you to love me

The night aches on painfully with no help from drugs to help me sleep
I picture you, you so beautiful, with smiling eyes, and gleaming lips
You kiss me, and I can feel the faint touch of your tongue
My eyes water at this image
I plunge my hand into my pajamas, working furiously
But it’s not working
I lack the perversion to get off

I just want to get it over with
I want to sleep and forget you, but I need to get this over with
I feel awful at the idea of looking at pornography
I feel like I’m being exploited, or worse I’m exploiting someone else
But I’m not sleeping until I get these hormones out of my system

I walk out of the darkness in my room, the house sits still
I am the only creature moving here, I’m walking slowly to the computer
Hoping no on will here me
Please I just want to get this done, I can’t sleep like this

I turn on the computer and get online, and I click in “porn”
My computer lights up with millions of websites
God, I think this is awful, millions of people, living in a void, their life dominated by sex
Is this our advanced civilization, a planet obsessed with fucking
Living like filthy animals, the only reason we want to be cool is to get more sex
that’s all our actions add up to, sex, sex, awful sex, I am guilty of wanting it

I hate this, please I don’t want to do this, why why am I doing this I want these feelings gone
I look at all the obvious sites to go to, there are so many to chose
I just want a minute to get off, nothing spectacular, just something to get off to
I won’t feel as guilty if I get it done quickly
I click on the website and then go into the site

Oh, my god, there are tons of beautiful women here, with beautiful bodies
But they have ugly minds, minds of corruption, hate, prejudice, and desolation
Their not here because they want to fulfill your fantasies, their here because this is how they make their living
They make it from perverts like me, who can’t have people like you
People who can’t get off with out the aid of perversion
And I am sick thinking about it, but I can’t stop

I click one of the girls and I concentrate hard
My hand is getting tired but I keep on, I’m this much close to relaxation
I’m this much closer to being happier

I can feel I’m close, my breathing deepens
And my legs tingle with and odd satisfaction
I start feeling the orgasm rip through me
And now my eyes are tears, and my legs feel a heavenly light

I am crying at the same time, because it feels so good, I shouldn’t enjoy this
But I am, and this is why I’m in even more pain
I feel so exploited, I don’t want her I promise everything that I won’t ever look at porn again

If I can just have you, If you’ll be the one who will touch me, the one to hold me
The one who will love me

I finally sleep
and I have dreams
Dreams that I’m in your arms
at peace and sleeping