the rain and the stars

Maybe I should just hate her. Maybe I should dismiss her as a tease and a flirt. Women have all the power. That would be easier. Just hate her. Because I can't forget her. Despise her for hurting me. I'm such a weakling. Why do I let people manipulate me? What's in it for her? Power. Typical woman. All they want is power.

I wonder what he is doing. Why does he care? Why does he still care about me? Haven't I hurt him enough? Why does he care and why do I care, and why does everything have to be so complicated? I don't know what to do. Again. Give me an answer. I can't forget him.

God I wish she were here. The stars. She once told me that if light can pass through so much darkness, and reach us here on earth, then that means there is hope in the universe. She did. She is so right. She is so beautiful. God I wish she were here, blowing my mind all over again. What I wouldn't give to kiss her.

It's so messed up, life. I wish he would just leave me alone. But I wish he were here. It's raining and he would love it. We could sit here and let ourselves be bathed in the fresh spring rain. He would smile that smile he does. He would kiss me. I'm getting soaked. Oh well.

Maybe I should just hate her. But that wouldn't stop me from thinking about her. Thinking thinking THINKING about her. I could pretend she was here with me. I could wrap my body around hers, and watch the stars in her almond eyes. Okay I gotta stop thinking. What do I do? How does SHE feel? How, really, does she feel about love?

I'm tired. Love is a problem. I just need someone to care for me, someone to clean me. I want to be a girl again. What does he want from me? Doesn't he KNOW me? Obviously he doesn't, or he would just stop STOP. Why does he have to love me so much? It's more than I can bear.

Love is so strange. A shadow in the forest. I can't stop thinking, can't stop wishing. She is so beautiful. She is my fantasy. That's it--maybe we WEREN'T meant for each other, and that's exactly why I think I need her so much. Because she's NOT meant for me. I always want what I can't have. What's the matter with me? I don't NEED anyone. It's my mind. I gotta stop my mind. I gotta stop my heart.

I wish he would stop. I was not meant for him. It's not meant to be. There's nothing between us. I would only HURT him. I hope he quits. I hate it when people try to figure me out. There's nothing to figure out. There's nothing to love. I wonder if he remembers the stars.

I gotta stop STOP. She's nothing. Another girl. A fantasy. It would never last. I'm too stupid. I'm too much of a male--too stupid--not man enough to have her. She's just a girl. Stop. I can't. Why? I don't know. It would be my honor to hurt for her.