Essay on Self-Reliance

Re-write based on kind, helpful reviews. Thank you.

Revised: 10-24-04, 07-25-06
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          When does self-reliance stop working? This may be the hardest lesson of all when forming a life or death decision. Growing up in Colorado, I learned from my father the virtues of living by certain principles. He would hammer home, literally by the back of his hand, the ideals of responsibility, honesty, commitment, and personal initiative.

         Regardless of the peril and in complete defiance of the problem, my father never wavered from his steadfast resolve that he would prevail with self-reliance and principle. I never remember him asking for help, not once. He was as self-reliant as any man I have ever known. In this regard, I recently came to a point in my life when steadfast self-reliance made a difference between my success and ultimate failure.

         An example in my own life was an incident that occurred during a wild ride of downhill mountain biking. I focused on the trail ahead as it twisted and turned, calculating a smooth route through the rocks, my weight shifted back, head up. In my mind, I was making a textbook run down the mountain.

         Seven miles of creek crossings, boulder fields, hairpin curves, and the trail leveled out across a ridge, wide and smooth from a thousand bikes and hiker's boots. Seeing the soft earth, free of rocks and boulders, I released the brake in defiance of caution and became one with the trail. Nearing the end of the ride, smiling at the feeling of accomplishment, like Sylvester Stallone in the movie "Rocky" dancing in victory at the top the stairs, I had met my challenge and won.

         How suddenly is defeat visited upon those who toy with destiny?

         Glasses askew and covered in mud and a mouth full of sagebrush, I am puzzled, lying on my back and looking up at the sky. I blink; searing agony wracks my body. Rolling back and forth I hear myself in a pitiful moan, "Oh God!” My lips feel dry and I taste sage in my mouth; I am alive. Slowly becoming aware of my legs, my arms, my neck, which is not broken, I am thankful. Thinking to myself, if a man can stand; he will live. , I crawl onto my knees and then my feet. I feel faint, almost toppling; I regain my balance and finally stand. I can’t move my right arm. I think my shoulder is broken. I am not sure, it might be a re-injured clavicle from a childhood fall. My chest burns when I breathe. I squint down a mile of steep trail to my pickup. With a resolve to be self-reliant, I lift the bike with my good arm and walk slowly down the mountain. My glasses are still askew, my head swimming in pain and I am thirsty. However, the mile passes quickly and I find myself seated behind the wheel of the truck and ask myself, “Do I wait for someone to pass and lend a hand, call 911 on my cell phone, or perhaps drive to the hospital?: Yes, I can drive myself to the hospital!

          Two weeks have passed, the broken collarbone, the cracked ribs and the bruises are healing. I reflect on self-reliance and valuable lessons in life. Over many years of experience and regardless of training, ability, or principles I have learned that I cannot always do things by myself. For example, I simply could not resolve one of life’s more unpleasant problems with self-reliance. A personal problem, where defeat is death and victory leads to unimaginable joy and freedom.

          I remember a distant Saturday morning, the sixth day of May, 1988. I stumbled into my home in a drunken stupor and passed out on the kitchen floor. Awakened by the light of a breaking dawn, I see my wife, with our newborn baby in her arms. She is sitting in a rocking chair, waiting quietly for me to regain consciousness. Her face that morning - her look of total despair - will never die in my mind. I see shame mirrored in her eyes, an image of hopelessness etched in my brain. Words spoken that day have long since faded from memory. In a steadfast belief that self-reliance would prevail; I had made another promise to change my behavior and stop drinking. I had cheated again and now stood in front of my victims. At that moment, I knew I could not continue living. As my family turned their backs and walked out, I found myself on my knees, moaning a desperate prayer, "God help me!" Bleak humiliation swallows me with guilt. I knew that my egotistic self-reliance, comfortable in immoral and irresponsible behavior, had stopped working. I could not continue living with the shame.

          That baby boy is now pitching high school baseball and my wife, an RN, is nursing my broken shoulder. God heard my prayer that day and humbled me to a point where self-reliance conceded and I made a desperate call for help. I dialed Alcoholics Anonymous and spoke to an unknown man who simply said, “Don’t drink, and go to an AA meeting.” Sixteen years later, I still go to AA meetings. Daily, I hear a message of the false promise called self-reliance. I now live and love each day filled with a reliance on God,as I understand Him.