The Defective Detective

BLACK SCREEN
A cigarette is heard being lit. White letters appear on the screen, in the style and to the sound of an old-fashioned typewriter. They read:

“Sammy
I’ll never let you go”

As the dedication appears there is a long inhale. Pause. A long exhale. It is repeated. Then this is followed by the sound of someone moving and ends with a door slamming. As the door slams the letters fly off the screen to reveal the now vacated office.


INT. BLACK AND WHITE – AN OFFICE.
Paper litters an old yet sturdy desk. The room is claustrophobic and rundown. A lit cigarette, which has just missed the ashtray, allows smoke to dance up to the ceiling. Cabinets and other typical office furniture stand messily in place. The room appears to be in general confusion. Empty bottles of alcohol stand wherever there is space. A half empty bottle of cheap vodka lies across the desk leaking its contents. A lonely hat stand is propped up in a corner surrounded by dull, decrepit walls. As the room is revealed a man speaks.

MAN’S VOICE (V.O.)
It wasn’t my first day on the job. It was just the same
shit as any other day. Who am I? I’m your modern
day Sam Spade. A private investigator of sorts with a
modern day dull life. Intoxicated, mind-numbed and
reeking of alcohol. I welcome you all personally to
the place they call “Rock Bottom”. Do excuse me, I’m
having a bit of a bad day.

As he mentions his occupation focus on the door. The opaque glass has vague writing on which cannot be read from the inside. Our man’s name is too faded to be legible and as the monologue continues the disarray is visible once more. When the monologue ends ‘our hero’ rushes back hastily opening the door. He is your typical down and out. Rugged stubble, and the inconspicuous Sam Spade trench coat and hat are his clothes. Scuffed, muddy slip on shoes adorn his feet but as the audience we don’t get a particularly good look at him. He has returned to prevent his haphazard office from becoming a haphazard fire scene.


BLACK AND WHITE CU OF DESK
‘The man’ reaches, stands the half empty vodka bottle upright, vodka sloshes everywhere, and puts the cigarette in the ashtray. Ink has run across his papers and a small hole has burnt through a file but everything is dog-eared so it seems to fit in place. The camera scans the desk as a sly swig is heard being taken from the bottle as if he believes the audience weren’t looking at the vodka bottle. The swig is ignored as a small silver ring enters the frame that might be in colour. It’s silver though so it could be in black and white too. The ‘clues’ begin as the door is again slammed shut and the precariously balanced bottle falls over again.

MAN’S VOICE (V.O.)
I can’t be bothered, but then you don’t need me to
tell you that. There’s been a burglary at a local pet
shop, the highlight of my career. [Chuckles mockingly
at the word career] I’m not delusional, I wont get a
‘big case’… but I can try. Maybe my big case is
just around the corner… where there’s smoke
there’s fire, right?

EXT. BLACK AND WHITE – A BUSY LONDON STREET
‘Our Hero’ runs through the hustle and bustle of this huge city. He might as well not be there as everybody ignores his attempts to surge past them. On his eventual arrival at the pet shop inside are both an attractive shop assistant chatting and a particularly suave, navy blue suit clad man. He’s wearing a similar hat to ‘our hero’ but it’s both stylish and new.

MAN’S VOICE (V.O.)
Of all the people, it had to be him. Bastard! It was
pointless me going in. [childishly] Just because I
get the call doesn’t mean I get the client.

EXT. BLACK AND WHITE – PET SHOP
‘Our Dejected Hero’ props himself up against the glass shop front. Using his hat to shield the flame from the London breeze he attempts to light his cigarette. Even at this he is still unsuccessful. A figure approaches.

AMERICAN (O.S.)
Allow me.

EXT. BLACK AND WHITE – PET SHOP
A hand with a light appears. The sleeve comes into view and is well tailored. As he reaches further forward the sleeve slides up his arm to reveal the finest quality watch. The trail of fire traces up the cigarette and the cigarette enters ‘Our Hero’s’ mouth and then quickly drops to the floor. The American’s shoe steps on the lit cigarette and the camera pans up the second man. He’s in a familiar suit. As both men are left facing each other the American smirks and walks into the bustling street. People let him get through the crowd. ‘Our Hero’ enters the pet shop anyway.


INT. BLACK AND WHITE – PET SHOP
This place is a state too, it’s not as bad as the office but it’s not far off but then it has been burgled bizarre though it is. The shop owner is in her late 20s. She’s in jeans and a t-shirt and she looks slightly irritated by a second detective and a little amused by his attire. Throughout the second interrogation though she seems to warm to him.

OUR HERO
Hi, I was…

SHOP OWNER
Hey, I’m afraid you were beaten to it! [She continues
even though ‘Our hero’ attempts to speak] But if it’s any
consolation next time thieves want to have my bird
feed or mess with my rodents I’ll be sure to call you.