Fallen Angel

The blank page to a writer is like the open canvas of a painter. For a moment they look down at it and think; where shall I begin? Cynically we all respond with the same answer, at the beginning. But what if you are unsure of the beginning? What if even a question as simple as that eludes you? Does it begin with the light, that brilliant flash that sparks the imagination and stimulates the soul?

Listen to me ramble. No one will ever want to read the ramblings of whom they consider a madman. So maybe I should begin at my conception here, and retreat to why after you first understand me.

My name is Ardeo and I am a child of God.

Or at least I was once, I am no longer sure. My first memory after my fall is standing up on unsteady limbs, blinded by the light of the sun and the heat beating down against my naked flesh. My wings unfolded behind me, to my absolute astonishment. That was my first complete thought, why would He allow me to keep the mark of his children after he cast me away?

Upon a momentary survey of my surroundings I discovered I was alone in the forest. At first I believed this solitude would be a sanctuary where I could repent my sins against my father to seek redemption, but that thought was short lived. He sent me here for a purpose, not only for punishment. But what was that purpose? I could not remember. In fact, I was quickly forgetting everything my father had endowed me with. I had seen him do this to others who had fallen from him in the past. So in a moment of desperation I grabbed a twig from the ground and wrote in the soft earth before me. ‘My name is Ardeo and I am a child of God.’

Funny that is what I chose? I had seen others who forgot everything and had greatly pitied those who lost the name the father had given them. My tears had gone out to them, those he had forgotten. For those who lost their given name were lost to him because they could not call up to him and be distinguished between the continuous outcries of the mortals. The father chose names for us that he could hear above the roar. No sooner did I finish this statement and drop the primitive pen then I forgot what I had written. The sun was setting in the horizon and it was time to find a place to protect myself from the elements. I knew by morning I would remember nothing, he always did that to those he cast away. But listen to me rambling on again. I must focus better to maintain your attentions don’t I?

I climbed into a tree next to where I had written in the dirt and perched myself on a branch. Here I attempted to sleep, but the noises of the wilderness gave me no peace. With the sun I rose to admire what I had written the night before, committing it to memory before I left this place to find what it was I was supposed to. To find what I had forgotten. The sun beat down on me and the wind brushed against my supple skin and I walked toward it. After all, when you have nothing to seek what better companion does one have than the light? That which is our beginning is the light. So, here is where I should begin.

I walked on directly toward the sun as I said a moment ago, and found myself standing before a small stream. Without regard, I stepped into it, enjoying the tingling cool sensations that I had been so long denied, and soon found myself waist deep. My wings reached for the sky I as continued they do that instinctively because they do not want to be wet. When what would cross my path? It was a young female human on the other side. She saw me before I had looked up to see her and dropped the basket which she carried and had been collecting foliage. Her waist length hair blew freely in the wind and she stood paralyzed by the sight of me; naked and winged.

I smiled; my father had given me male endowments. With open arms I walked toward her. She pulled a cloth out of the bottom of the basket with which to cover myself. Momentarily I had forgotten that was necessary and blushed at the gesture. But this was to be my future, I had to become what I had looked down over for centuries. She spoke not a word, I wasn’t sure what to make of it, but she gestured for me to follow. Possibly she was who I was intended to find and help. Maybe it was her time of need. But the other option was that nothing was planned. I didn’t really remember what was going on, what I was supposed to do, who I was here to effect.

So I did what any rational being would in my position and followed her lead. I walk half a step behind her to a modest little dwelling in a very small man made grotto. The structure was primitive at best but sound and sturdy; being made of dried mud and thatched straw. Upon reaching the inside, I discovered several human materials I had always enjoyed and reveled in. There were no divided rooms, only the necessities of life. The bricked fire was in the back left corner with the bed directly next to it. To my immediate right were two wooden chairs and a crude table. A few wildflowers lay delicately on the table, cut from where I was found I assume. Without any words she went to a chest at the bottom of the bed. I was still unsure that I even spoke her language; did my father allow me to even keep my tongue? This was truly a beautiful creature. She was not afraid of me, in fact, she appeared happy. Then she pulled a pair of pants out of the chest and held them up to me with a smile. Surprisingly they fit perfectly; she must have had a husband. I was pleased to be covered, mortals always feel better if at least some part of them is covered. Then she reached in again to retrieve a shirt. Obviously I could not wear one; my wings would not fit into any such thing. But she quietly dug a pair of scissors out and proceeded to cut holes into the back so my wings would go through. Verbally I protested, “No don’t. That isn’t necessary. Don’t ruin your husband’s things.”

She looked up at me puzzled, “But Ardeo, I have no husband.”

Now I was truly confused, she knew who I was, but I had never met this woman. “How do you know me?”

Her eyes went to the floor, a small smile spread across her face for a split second. “This is how I get you.” She spoke meekly, not intending for me to hear what she was saying. “Do you remember anything?”

“My name is Ardeo, I am a child of God. I do not remember you. I do not know why I am here. I do not know for how long. All I know is my name. But you must know because you know who I am. Who are you?”

Her eyes fell to the floor again. I was hurting her. Softly I padded over to where she was crouched on the floor and bent over to hold the woman in an embrace. With the breath of the air my wings also enfolded the delicate woman as she began to cry. “My name is Devon, Devon Belinda Myth.”

I carried her the couple of steps up onto the bed and crawled in behind to cradle her for a moment. Devon was so pleasantly, peasantly, perfect. This woman is not anyone that would be the first picked out of a crowd, she would blend and remain unnoticed, but suddenly she was infinitely beautiful to me. Her waist length mouse brown hair, cloudy blue eyes, average height, average weight was all too normal. But something behind her eyes was golden. If you looked, you could find a genuine beauty and incredible intellect. I developed a rushing desire to have her completely. I could feel her figure heaving against me in giant sobs, her breasts pushing tighter against my naked chest. I cooed her and ran my fingertips through her hair telling her that everything would be okay and that I was sorry for making her cry with all my questions. Everything was going to be just fine.

But my mounting desire would not vanish. Suddenly she stopped crying, feeling my physical display of lust, and I attempted to withdraw. Without a word she reached out for me and I reached back. This woman was amazing and everything that I wanted in that single moment. I kissed her eyes, the bridge of her nose, her slightly parted and quivering lips. This moment was so blissful and simple. I remembered that once nothing was simple. Somehow I knew that this was wrong. But I wanted it anyway. My body wanted it. I wanted it. After all, when in Rome do as the Romans…

I held her at the end. She was sticky and hot, but very happy. An eternal smile washed onto her face as she breathed heavy. I noticed myself doing the same.

“I never thought that you and I would ever be. I am so glad to have you again, rather actually. I was so worried that you really wouldn’t ever remember me.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t.”

The color drained from her face, and that smile fell.

She pushed me away and I got up off the bed. She instructed me to put on my pants and I did. She wept and I tried to console her. She screamed at me and I cried. Crystal tears fell from my eyes and I turned to walk away. She threw a shirt at me, it was getting cold. Holes were cut in the back to slip my wings through. But I am speaking too clipped, forgive me. Everything she asked I did. Everything she wanted I gave. But it simply was not enough. My tears fell as I silently padded into the night. I prayed to my father for forgiveness for whatever I had done because nothing was worth this great and undying pain. Then He called back to me.

“Ardeo, my boy, this was not a punishment. You asked for this. You wanted Devon to have the companion that she had prayed to you for. Child you have been her guardian angel. You have been there for this woman through everything. Born in sin to a mother out of wedlock she was abandoned and orphaned to the church. She grew in their care until she was old enough to go and choose her life. You showed yourself to her the first time to convince her to become a nun. Instead, she ran off with the illegitimate son of the bishop. Here they resided for a blissfully halppy three years before he took ill. He built this for them, under your protection. After his death you stayed closer and closer to her, despite my warnings to keep your emotional distance. I have always loved you for that Ardeo, you are the most compassionate of all my dear guardian children. You would accompany her on her daily walks, and sit on the bed as she performed her chores. I told you to back away, that you were getting too close. She started to get too fond of you and I ordered you to back off."

"I told you that I would take care of that in time but that was not an acceptable answer. You showed yourself to her, on multiple occasions. You would walk and talk with her as she carried out her daily tasks. But a guardian angel cannot be felt physically by their protected. Both of you longed for that physical connection so you asked for permission. Once more I told you no, that I would handle her problems. So you went around me and made a deal behind my back. You would not remember her or anything about your past but you could go. In the fall your wings burned so deeply that they will never be able to bring you back of your own accord. You will be locked on earth.”

“Father forgive me. I was selfish. I understand what I have done and now understand that I truly deserve this punishment. But please don’t turn you back on me. I don’t know what I would do without you. Please don’t leave my side.”

“I do forgive you child. But you do not belong there, come to me. I know that you have learned from your mistake. You truly have repented for your sin and pained over the mistakes that you have made. Rise to me child, come to me Ardeo.”

With that my wings glistened again and I soared on the clouds and above into the loving arms of my Father. He was warm and the embrace was tight and safe. “Father, what would have happened to her if I had not disobeyed you?”

“She would die peacefully in her sleep and you would have carried her to me with the great pain that only my purest children can feel. You would have pleaded for me to allow her into heaven even for her indiscretions. I would have but her at your side, working with you. Rewarding her for her worldly denial with the pure wings that only my angels own.”

“I have ruined everything for her! Please do not deny her this.”

He smiled, “we shall see.”

My Father allowed me the opportunity to redeem myself with Devon, which was the greatest challenge of all. I would continue to be Devon’s guardian but would never be permitted to show myself to her again. I was forced to bend my ear down to hear her desperate cries for her lover to return to her and begging forgiveness for the anger she had so foolishly displayed when the Father had finally answered her prayers. For a solid year she prayed several hours a day, seeking absolution for her sins against me and the Father came to her side only periodically to say that she would not see him now. Quickly her health began to fade, my tears at the foot of the Father fell deaf. Within two years she could not leave the bed for lack of strength. Without being seen I spent day and night at her side; breathing the cool breezes on her brow and sheltering from the beatings of the sun with the bending boughs of the neighboring trees. But for all I could do, she passed one mid-afternoon alone save for me. She smiled and called my name with her last breath and her eyes closed. All my emotion came to full circle, a rainstorm clustered above the home. I carried her lifeless soul toward the heavens. Tears streaked my face as I walked through the throngs of my companions. They stared, saying nothing as angels will not judge. I did not care at all what they thought of me crying as I walked forward to present her to Him. They only questioned how the Father would punish me and so did I.

As I reached His alter, I placed her at His feet.

“Father, I know that I wronged you. I understand that I do not deserve your grace. But this woman was loyal and good. She came to the truth and never looked back. I caused her only flaws. Please give her the love and tenderness that she never received in mortal life.

He smiled, “Do you trust me now, undyingly? Will you accept what I say in the future?”

“Yes sir. I will never question you again.”

Then I trust that you should be the keeper of the keepers. The one my young angels should come to for everything. The first student that I want at your side is this young woman once Devon Belinda Myth, I call you to rise as my child Lucia and into the arms of your teacher and lifetime companion Ardeo. For you see, this is the true plan that I had intended for the two of you from the beginning.

And so it was. And so we are. And so we will continue to be. Nothing has changed, nor will it. For you see I am Ardeo, a child of God. So as my tale comes to a great end, I turn once more to my love, my Lucia, who laughs a crystal laugh at the sweeping journey we have been through that draws a deeper and larger smile to my lips. I see that the greatest things in life are what lies ahead. It resides in the unexpected, just around the corner. In that dark and wonderful place the Father gave us that He calls free will.