Snow Yellow

Snow Yellow and the Seven Vertically-Challenged People

Once upon a time, there was daughter of a prince, who was somewhat attractive. Her name was Snow Yellow, which she was named for her love of giving people yellow-snow cones when winter came around.

All was not well, as Snow Yellow had an evil second cousin, named Bertha Louise. Bertha was very self-conscious about her image and always carried a magic eight-ball with her. Whenever she had any doubts of what people thought about her appearance, which was very often, she would ask the magic eight-ball if she was the most beautiful woman in the land. Then she would shake it and it would reveal the answer through it’s transparent window, sometimes saying “yes”, “all signs point to yes”, and “it is decidedly so”, but it would never give a negative answer.

After some years, Snow Yellow reached womanhood, and Bertha soon found the eight-ball’s answers somewhat annoying. She asked if she was the most beautiful in the land, and the eight-ball replied, “my sources say no.”

This angered Bertha and she asked it who the most beautiful in the land was, only to be reminded that the eight-ball only answers yes and no questions. But this did not intimidate Bertha. “I’m a well-educated woman!” she exclaimed, “I will simply use the process of elimination to find out who is more beautiful than me!”

So Bertha grabbed a phone book and began asking whether or not each person listed was the most beautiful person in the land. She kept on getting answers like “my reply is no” and “Outlook not so good”. But then she finally came to the name “Snow Yellow…..555-4925”. So, she asked the magic eight-ball, “is Snow Yellow the most beautiful in the land?” but unlike all the other 900,161 answers, this one came up “yes”.

“Bahh! It’s my second cousin!” Bertha announced to no one, since she lived alone with her cat, “she must be killed!” So Bertha hired some mob hit-men to shoot her.

In the woods, Snow Yellow was singing a song that didn’t have any real words. Despite this, she sang her song so beautifully that anyone walking by would feel necessary to give at least five dollars in loose change or feel like a jerk and go jump off a cliff. As she sang her beautiful song with no real words, all the animals came out of their trees and burrows to listen. This left their guard down and they were all shot and killed by hunters. While this all occurred, the mob hit-men dressed up like deer to try to trick Snow Yellow so that they could shoot her easily. They went out into the clearing one by one and were shot just like all the other animals. Snow Yellow found this all to be a very grotesque site, and ran deep into the woods where no hunter dare went, for it was off limits by the law of Seattle, Washington. Soon, she ran into a clearing. In this clearing was a very small house. The house was proportional, but it was about one-eighth the size of a normal house. Snow Yellow decided to crawl in through the door, hoping there was no porridge inside.

Back at Bertha’s castle, the mob godfather went ahead and told Bertha that the job was done because he needed the money. Bertha believed him with no evidence at all and gave him all the money she said she would, which was $19.95 with tax. The godfather was happy as can be and left Bertha’s house. He later spent the money on a horse so that he could leave its head in someone’s bed.

While Snow Yellow found some one-eighth sized beds and fell asleep on all of them after they were placed next to each other, the owners of the house were just getting done with work for the day. They were seven one-eighth sized midgets working in the mines. The leader of the midgets, whose name was Whitey, looked up at the clock as it struck 4 o’clock. He then turned to the other midgets and began yelling at them.

“Hey! Murky, Spazzy, Ugly, Druggy, Drunky, and Mentally-Challenged! It’s quitting time!” So they all began cleaning up and they all grabbed their pick-axes and began walking home in single file. As they walked, they began singing, but unlike Snow Yellow’s song, their song had words.

“How low? How low? How low can you go!? When you’re a midget playing limbo, it’s easy to go very low!…” They continued with various lyrics on how it was great to be short until they got home. Upon entering the house, they saw a tall, beautiful girl sleeping on their beds.

“There is a tall, beautiful man sleeping in our beds!” announced Mentally-Challenged. Whitey smacked him for being stupid.

“That’s no man, you idiot. That there is a girl!”

“What should we do with her?” asked Ugly.

“Lets throw her in the river!” suggested Murky.

“We cant do that! What if the cops catch us or she dies, turns into a zombie, and comes back to kill us!?” said Spazzy.

“Don’t be dense,” answered Whitey, “we simply wait for her to wake up and then we throw her out of our house.” So the midgets waited for three-hours for Snow Yellow to wake up. When she finally did, the first thing she saw were seven really short people.

“Wow, there are seven really short people,” said Snow Yellow, “you all must be midgets!”

“Now hold on there!” began Whitey, “That is our word, no vertically-correct person can ever use our word!” All the other midgets nodded in agreement.

“Will if I cant call you midgets, can I call you dwarves?” asked Snow Yellow.

“What the heck do you take us for, minimum wage Disney Land losers!? That is it! If you are not going to use the politically correct terms, either vertically-challenged people or abbreviated Americans, then we’re going to have to take you to court!”

So there was a trial against Snow Yellow on the charge of discrimination against the vertically challenged and the abbreviated Americans. But the judge didn’t much care for short people and Snow Yellow was found innocent by the court of Seattle, Washington.

Back at Bertha’s castle, Bertha was reading the Daily Seattle, and came upon an article about a recent court case between short people and a beautiful girl who likes making yellow snow cones when winter came around. At first she found the entire story amusing, but then she noticed something odd.

“Wait a minute! That’s my beautiful second cousin, Snow Yellow! No wonder my eight-ball still didn’t work! If you want a job done right, than you got to do it yourself!”
Bertha sent for her local wizard named Larry, who came in with his supplies and his degree in bio-chemistry.

“Oh great wizard of this great land, I need a magic potion that will kill a beautiful girl that likes making yellow snow cones,” requested Bertha.

“Bertha, I keep telling you, I am not a wizard. I am a bio-chemist,” replied Larry.

“Whatever, just put the magical potion into something edible for me.”

Larry sighed and injected a toxin, which he uses to put elephants to sleep, into a banana and he handed it to Bertha.

“One bite will kill a man, but do not touch the dead man, for this toxin is very contagious,” Larry warned.

So Bertha dressed up like a nun and went to midgets house with the banana in a basket. According to the article she had read, Snow Yellow was living with the midgets, despite the lawsuit. Bertha came up to the house and knocked on the door.

“Who’s there?” answered Snow Yellow.

“A nun trying to sell fruit to help fund our church,” replied Bertha in a disguised voice.

“Fruit from a stranger!?” Snow Yellow began with excitement, “Gimme! gimme!” And she wrenched the basket from Bertha’s grasp and began to eat all of it’s contents. An apple and some grapefruit after the poison banana, Snow Yellow began to feel woozy.

“I don’t feel so good,” she said, and she fell to the ground unconscious. Bertha began laughing hysterically and continued to laugh as she walked away into the woods. She was later shot by hunters who thought she was a hyena.

The midgets came home and found Snow Yellow on the floor. They were shocked and decided to put her in a crystal casket and put roses around it. To afford this, Whitey had an insurance scheme which they would all be later arrested for and thrown in prison. But right now, they sadly look upon Snow Yellow as she lay in her casket not moving.

All of a sudden, Prince Moderately Charming came out of the woods and into the midget’s clearing. He opened the casket and kissed Snow Yellow. Nothing happened and he went to see the doctor because he felt ill.

“Have you done anything odd lately?” asked the doctor.

“I kissed Snow Yellow,” replied the Prince.

“You kissed a dead woman? What were you thinking?”

“I thought I could awaken her from her eternal slumber.”

“But, that’s just stupid,” scolded the doctor.

So Prince Moderately Charming died and was buried next to Snow Yellow, and they didn’t live happily ever after.

The End.