If I Were President: The Q-Plan

Hello, America! Thank you for allowing me the opportunity -- and the freedom -- to share my voice -- my dreams -- in the words of my choosing -- with you.

As I see it, we, the people of the United States, are an incredible bunch. As I stand before you today, I feel as though I am surrounded by potential. You and I -- and every human -- we all have the potential to give and receive -- to exchange love, generosity, peace, energy, purposefulness, and most of all, happiness... We, together, can make this a happier America... and a happier world!

That's right. I said it! Happier. That's because happiness, not betterment, is what I am looking for... I am officially in pursuit of happiness!

Here's what I mean... Just look at happiness vs. betterment. Does better imply richer? Smarter? More productive? I don't know -- it depends on whom you ask. Happiness, on the other hand, is something we all know and love! It's universal!

But don't get me wrong... I think better is a great word for politics. It's a great word for avoiding the quantification of success and for shifting metrics down the road. The term better is a clever one, because with hindsight, it almost guarantees one the illusion of victory. Only those who remembered the exact terms of the original objective would be able to tell if we turned our backs on it. Who has time for this?

Well, America, I don't want to fool around and offer to make this a better place. I just want to make it a happy place. I want you -- and everyone on Earth -- to pursue the happiness that our forefathers mentioned so many years ago. When you pursue your own happiness, you will inspire the rest of us. Happiness -- our common goal -- will unite us! Happiness will bring us peace, joy, and appreciation for life and this is what I want.

As president, I believe that my number one job is to provide you with as many opportunities for happiness as I can... You need choices -- and, for this, I've devised a four-legged platform. Yes! Four legs... like a table! ... Four legs... for stability! Four legs... which I summarize with four words that begin with the letter T: Technology, Togetherness, Timeliness, and Treadmills. I appropriately call this my Q-Plan, where 'Q' stands for "Quaternary".

Now that I've set the Q-Plan table, I'm ready to serve. Let's look at the legs one at a time, starting with Technology.

Technology... Where would we be without it? My guess is that we'd all be sitting around campfires eating bison and ground corn... Imagine yourself... there... at the campfire. Poof! Technology enters! Suddenly, you're eating hot dogs and marshmallows! Poof! Technology Returns! You are now sitting in front of a television eating frozen dinners... Poof! Bride of Technology! Videogames and chicken nuggets... Poof! Son of Technology! Computers... Hot Pockets... Poof! Retrology: The Technology Prequel! Pay-Per-View... Lunchables... Poof! Technology MCMXCIX: Fight for the New Millennium! DVD's... Power Bars... Poof! TIVO... Veggie-burgers... Poof! Wireless internet... Low-carb bread... Poof! iPods... Poof! ... Poof! ... Poof! ... Poof! ...

Better? Happier? I certainly hope so... but if not, at least you were busy.

My point is that we, as Americans, pride ourselves on hard work and achievement. We are obsessed with the perception of progress. We have big dreams, big goals, and lots of trophies to show for it. Who isn't the proud parent of an honor student? Why do we now allow grades to exceed 4.0 on a 4.0 scale? Why have Ebert and Ropert started giving ratings of two thumbs way up? Have we really surpassed our historic threshold of perfection? I think not.

I would, however, say that we have been so busy patting ourselves on the back that we haven't even noticed how severely we've distorted our dimensions. We've moved from the great outdoors to the living room to the computer. Economic advisors, city planners, and school counselors agree that nano-technology and bio-technology are the fields of the future. Cities have been replaced with gated communities, front porches with automatic garage doors. Are we collapsing into a nation of isolated singularities? Well, hold up! We might just be diverging into nothingness!

What I think we need is a large-scale project -- a global community project -- that provides opportunities for not just Americans, but for everyone on the planet. I think we need a goal that is Great Pyramid big -- or even bigger! We need something that we will all want to get out of bed for -- something colossal -- a purpose that extends beyond five o'clock or Friday afternoon -- beyond one financial quarter or the next presidential election. We need something that we do not even expect to finish in our lifetimes -- a leap of faith -- a promise to our children that reaches beyond the instant gratification of here and now.

So enters Togetherness, the second leg of my Q-Plan.

As I see it, we are humans, first, and Americans, second. I believe that no one -- in any part of the world -- should die from dysentery or starvation when I have access to 72 oz. steaks and reality TV. I'm fortunate to have this computer, but beyond the cultural conditioning that has me wired to care about 2005 Toyotas, Intel's stock price, and digital cameras, I know that there are "upper class" people in other countries who are building their houses out of mud squares and straw. I think that we humans -- 6.2 billion of us -- are in this thing together and that we all bear the responsibility of making sure that our neighbors have, at minimum, access to food and potable water -- whether we like their opinions or not.

If I were president, I would work with the other leaders of the world to establish global projects that would encourage togetherness and support our global economy. One suggestion: Wal-Marctica, a factory continent. I would turn present-day Antarctica into the focal point for hundreds of thousands of contractors, engineers, laborers, and ecologists, all of whom would be encouraged to telecommute, think responsibly, and build efficiently. Universities and private companies around the world could participate in the program through competitions and co-ops. Independent consultants could be hired to review all plans. Luxury liners could be used as dormitories for organizations like Doctors without Borders and Habitat for Humanity, who would be encouraged to join in.

A large-scale project like Wal-Marctica would provide equal-opportunity jobs for the entire world. We could globalize minimum wage and basic health care standards. Existing factories could be transformed into distribution centers, shopping malls, and skating rinks. No jobs would be phased out, although some would naturally evolve. Asia, Europe, and North America, being roughly equidistant from Wal-Marctica, would have competitive shipping schedules. Strategic marketing analysts in South America, Africa, and Australia would assist with product research, consumer polls, clinical trials, and beta-site testing before new items were introduced to the general public.

The media would surely compete to cover our world projects, but there would be plenty of opportunities for all -- anyone could report on community involvement. Imagine having access to hundreds of live shots and free-lance reports as our project began taking shape. We could cover engineering challenges, celebrations of milestones, budgetary plans, and regional issues. Spin-off channels could run stories on human interests, athletic events, and game shows -- all with project-related themes.

Wouldn't a project like this be worthwhile if it meant that everyone would have access to food and potable water? Sure... not everyone would have bottled water -- at least not in the beginning -- but we would all have tap water, at the very least.

I'd be willing to bet that anyone, given the opportunity to work for food and water, would go on to pursue happiness in his or her free time. Isn't that inspiring? I get happy just thinking about wanting to be happy!

Ah, but my digression brings me to Timeliness, the third leg of my Q-Plan.

I believe that it is essential that we maintain our timescales as effectively as we can -- not only in our global projects, but in everything we do. Our timelines should be as realistic as we can possibly make them, for inside of our commitments to Technology and Togetherness, we have made promises to each other and to our children. Timeliness factors into our expectations and these have been proven to significantly affect a person's happiness. Accurate timelines will strengthen relationships, build trust, and reduce our chances of being disappointed.

This is where I think the global standardization of time would work to our advantage. Standing on the platforms of Technology, Togetherness, and Timeliness, I present what I call my "Winks for Blinks" program. Under this plan, we take advantage of time in a radical new way -- we shift it as needed. With the systems we already have in place -- currently standard issue on the latest cellphones, clock radios, GPS navigation systems, and VCRs that set their own times -- we self-correct. We keep ourselves on schedule!

Would you be able to tell if your sleep had been cut five seconds short, or if your workday had been stretched by five seconds? Probably not... Imagine, though, how much we could standardize our productivity if everyone in the world exchanged a few seconds of sleep for a few seconds of work every now and then. It would add up! Using the same principle by which penny-rounding computer scams work, we could revolutionize the consistency of our output. Imagine staying on schedule without even trying -- one less thing that you'd have to worry about -- and that would allow you to take the pursuit of happiness to an entirely new level!

Beyond this, I see even greater potential for the revolutionary re-ordering of time. Once we have shown success with our Wal-Marctica project, demonstrating that we can clearly work together as a global community, I believe that we should immediately begin work on my "Deci-Days" plan. Under this program, we will build a massive ring-like structure around the earth at the equator. By moving huge amounts of mass from the hemispheres to the equatorial ring at 0 degrees latitude, we will slow the rotation of the earth so that there are exactly -- dead nuts on -- 100 rotations of the earth for every revolution around the sun -- one hundred days per year!

By revising our units of time, we can convert to the metric International System (SI) of units. We could adopt a base-10 calendar and clock: there would be 10 meeks in a year, 10 days in a meek, 100 hours in a day, 100 minutes in an hour, and so forth... Note that we would no longer need both months and weeks, so we could merge the two units into a single unit called a meek.

With our new rotational schedule, each joyous day would be equivalent to 88 of our current Earth hours. New hours would stay roughly the same as the old ones, with each new one equivalent to 53 current Earth minutes. New minutes, on the other hand, would seem half as long as the existing ones, since each new minute is equivalent to 31 current Earth seconds.

Our new rotational schedule would be environmentally friendly -- we would change clothes and take showers at roughly one-third of the current rate. We would experience a renaissance in learning as we re-engineered fields like farming, landscaping, heating, and air conditioning. We would also enjoy extended sunrises and sunsets, as they would last almost four times longer than they do now -- we would just experience three times fewer over a lifetime.

The best part of my Deci-Days program is that we will all have plenty of extra time to enjoy the new world around us. With our Wal-Marctica and Winks for Blinks programs already in place, we will have achieved optimum manufacturing efficiency and acquired the ability to adjust time to make up for any unforeseen delays. This should allow us to maintain a 40-hour workweek -- or 46-hour workmeek, which means that we would all be able to spend 954 hours of every 1000-hour meek at leisure!

Statisticians anticipate that life expectancy under the new plan should remain unchanged. Physicists have determined, however, that we should expect to weigh 0.3% more due to the reduction in Earth's centrifugal force. While the subsequent increase in the effects of gravity may cause some additional settling, it will also mean that you can expect to get ever-so-slightly-more muscular. Just think of it -- more exercise and you won't even have to join a health club!

Which brings me to the final leg of my Q-Plan: treadmills.

I see treadmills -- specifically, Compu-tread brand treadmills -- as the next great equalizer. Compu-treads -- which we will manufacture in Wal-Marctica -- will store energy, purify water, and provide Internet access. For those who want portability, we will also offer the Compu-bike stationary bicycle. These bikes will do everything that Compu-tread can do, but also transform into cross-country bicycles with the flip of a switch. And Compu-bikes not only travel well -- they also make great seats for those times when you find yourself just wanting to enjoy a moment of relaxation.

As president, I promise to provide a Compu-tread treadmill or Compu-bike stationary bicycle to each and every person on Earth. Each unit will come with five universal battery packs, which will also serve as a secondary form of currency. Anyone on the planet can pedal up a few packs, ride to the store, and exchange these charged packs for food, supplies, and new packs to charge.

Compu-treads and Compu-bikes will provide everyone with access to basic human rights, not only in other countries, but here at home, too. Prisoners will be able to walk their way to higher educations, college students will pedal for beer, and kids will earn extra CD's and clothing. Compu-treads and Compu-bikes will reward everyone with self-sufficiency, education, fitness, and entertainment -- and that adds up to plenty of opportunities for us all to pursue happiness.

And that, America, summarizes my commitment to you, to this great country, and to the world. As your president, I will offer the promise of opportunity -- and with it, the happiness that comes with the search for happiness. With our shared commitment to Technology, Togetherness, Timeliness, and Treadmills, we can make the Q-Plan a reality for everyone!

Thank you, America. Thank you for listening! I hope to see all of you at the polls in November!