Je t'aime part 2

“She can’t lie to herself.” They were in the car, and after a few minutes of silence, Miguel had to communicate his concerns.
“I know but it’s the only thing she has to cling onto right now. If we take that away, she has nothing.” Kami knew he was right but she also had to make him understand from Amana’s perspective.
“She has us.”
“I know but for the first time in my life, I’m not sure that will be enough.” Their eyes met with this, and Miguel wanted to hold Kami and shelter her from all the pain the world contained, but he couldn’t.
“It is enough.” He reassured.
“I hope you’re right.”
“You trust me, right?”
“Of course.”
He took his hand and brushed the side of her face, “Everything is going to be okay.”
Kami leaned into his strength and believed.
**************
Amana rehearsed how she would tell her dad. Her thoughts were nebulous and drifted vaguely to her mother. She had died while giving birth to her. Was it genetic? Would the same thing happen with her child? The thought couldn’t help but cross her mind. That was all she was right now anyway, a mass of thoughts and emotions, nothing more and nothing less. All she could do was feel the world and analyze these feelings to produce thoughts. She was no longer there and there was no baby, no boyfriend, no father, only her feelings and thoughts floating across the universe, colliding with the stars she had wished upon as a child, the stars that contained her hopes and dreams. Her delusion was shattered when her father arrived.
“Hey honey. How was school?” He gave her a peck on the cheek, going to relieve himself of his briefcase and coat.
She opened her mouth, but no words emerged. Her soul was heavy and she sighed.
“Is something the matter sweetheart?” Shortly after her mother died, he had taken to calling her by pet names to show his affection for her, trying to play both roles. Ever since she could remember, she was his sweetheart, honey, cupcake, baby doll, etc.
“Daddy.” She whimpered as tears slid down her cheek.
“What’s wrong sweetheart?” he asked, running to her.
“Daddy, I have something to tell you. Please don’t be mad. I’m sorry.”
“No, no, I won’t be mad, just tell me baby.”
“Daddy, I tried to be a good girl. I did. But I— “ She broke down for what seemed the millionth time that day. She had been crying for an eternity and had only lived a lifetime.
“Shh, Shh, it’s okay baby, it’s all right, tell daddy what’s going on.” He held her and rocked her and she felt like the six year old who needed her dad to rock her to sleep because monsters were in the closet. As a child, she’d had nightmares about her mother and her dad would place his strong, protective arms around her and shield her from the world. This was what she leaned into now.
“Daddy, someone hurt me.” she cried into his shoulder. “I’m sorry, I know I should have called but the night was so nice and I just thought—“ she faltered and cried. He soothed her and decided not to push, to let her take her time although every muscle in his body tensed at the thought of someone hurting his sweet pea. He would rip them apart, but first he had to know who hurt her.
“It’s okay baby. Tell daddy what happened. Who hurt you?”
She tried to compose herself as she began.
****************
Troy was irritable, frustrated, worried and so he had gone to the only place he could think to go- the pool hall. Pool was not only his hobby, it was his love, his passion. It was his escape hatch from the world. While some had beer and drugs and others had television and novels, playing pool allowed him to enter an altered state of reality. A place where nothing was real, nothing was wrong, and nothing mattered. In this world, there was no Amana, no conspiracy, no loneliness, only him and sometimes that was too much. He loved her, he knew, but with this love came vulnerability. She could touch him, could hurt him, could make him jealous. She was his Achilles heel and he felt at this moment it had been pricked. He didn’t know how to pick up the shattered pieces of his existence because he didn’t know the object used to shatter it, he knew nothing, and so he lined up his cue stick with the white ball and with a quick jab, the balls scattered across the table mirroring his randomly scattered thoughts.
**************
“What time is it?” Kami asked as Miguel pulled up in her driveway.
“Oh man, it’s eleven o’clock, my parents are going to kill me. It was my night to make dinner and I forgot to call.” Miguel groaned, his brow furrowing.
“I’m sure they’ll understand.”
“How? I can’t tell them what’s going on.”
“Right. I don’t know. I just don’t know.” She began to cry for the first time that day.
Miguel took her into his arms. “Look, everything will be fine, okay. Listen to me. Everything will work out.”
She cried on his shoulder for a few minutes, holding him tight. “How do you know?”
He took her head in his hands and made her gaze meet his, staring directly in her eyes he said with conviction, “Kami, you love Amana and I love Amana. You love me and I love you. Amana loves us both. We all love each other and that’s how I know everything will be okay. Love is stronger than anything. Because of the love we all have for each other, we can get through anything. Our bond of friendship is stronger than anything, any circumstances that occur. We can get through this. We will get through this. Believe and trust in our love.” He pecked her forehead and held her protectively. He felt like it was his job to protect her and Amana, almost like their father. He wished he could take all the pain in the world, seal it in a glass jar, and cast it to the bottom of the sea so they would only know the joy and happiness of life. But he couldn’t, so he did what he could do. He reassured them, and he stayed strong for them. “Do you believe that?”
“Yes.” She sighed, relieved.
“Okay then, stop crying and be strong.”
She gave a small nod and they shared a quick, tight hug before she got out the car. As she walked into the house and he drove off, stars twinkled overhead.
***************
The Scrabble board was out. “Family Night,” she mumbled to herself and groaned at the realization. Only once before had she forgotten Family Night.
This was the second thing that reminded her of Charlie. Thirteen and adjusting to her new body which was not yet a woman’s but far from a girl’s, she was irritable, moody, slightly rebellious, and hormone-driven; so when Charlie Davis, a pinkish boy, frail and tall with freckles and stringy, dusty brown hair asked if she wanted to be his girlfriend, she accepted. Kami still remembered that Wednesday in his tree house. It was hot, with the July sun beating down upon them. It was the kind of hot where the air stifles and suffocates the living, visiting them with wishful thoughts of death. A hot where people couldn’t decide rather to suffer and endure the heat or risk passing out as they ventured out for ice. A hot that made wild things docile and docile things wild. The heat made people feral and it made them lustful. It was this heat she found herself walking to the ice cream parlor with Charlie in. She didn’t know what flirting was at the time, but she was sure she was doing it. She held his hand, stayed close to him, touched him in little ways, whispered in his ear. She could not understand why she was doing these things, she had never even thought about it, it was as if her body had a mind and a will of its own that she was involuntarily subject to. It was too hot to want to be close to anyone, especially Charlie, but today she didn’t see the scraggly frame that barely filled up his homeroom seat, she saw a guy, someone of the opposite sex, and her body responded. So it was with these confused thoughts and unaccustomed behavior she consumed her Popsicle stick. She devoured every drop of it, lapping up its sweet juices with her dry palate, not allowing any of its sticky substance to make contact with the ground; she watched Charlie lick his ice cream cone into oblivion- he circled it, teased it, let its creaminess almost waste, then he darted out and let it caress his tongue- as they sat next to each other in the tree house, legs dangling. She thought briefly of Amana and Miguel. She didn’t know where they were and for once, she didn’t want to find them. She wanted to be here with Charlie. To watch him eat his ice cream cone, to see the glistening sweat drip from his face. And then he was finished. She felt empty. They sat in silence, heat radiating from their bodies, each lost in their own thoughts, thoughts they didn’t understand but enjoyed. He watched her. He saw each blink of her eyes and the muscles in her face tighten and relax as different thoughts fluttered across her mind. He felt like two different people—Charlie the shy boy who loved baseball and playing with his dog Rover, and then this new Charlie, whom he had never before met. It was the latter person who leaned over and gingerly grabbed Kami’s face and kissed her. It was this Charlie that began to roam and explore. It was the latter who began to unbutton her shirt and taste her salty flesh normally hidden beneath the confines of her clothes. Only the former Charlie, the shy one, was scared, nervous, ashamed. Only he was unsure of what he was doing. But shy Charlie was not in control. He was repressed and disregarded, his thoughts forgotten. He was subjected to the will of his other self.
Kami was confused. The sensations running through her body were new and pleasant. She knew she felt this way because of Charlie, but she knew something was wrong with what she was doing. She enjoyed the feel of his body against her. An aching feeling grew inside her, tightening many parts of her body. It was dark now. She and Charlie were so engrossed with these new feelings and sensations that they hadn’t noticed the sun beginning to set as he had leaned over to kiss her. The stars were overhead and a hot breeze stirred her from the part of her mind lingering over the sensations invading her body. Suddenly she realized what was happening.
“Charlie. Wait. No. We can’t do this.” She was breathing heavy, gasping, afraid.
“Why not?” He had completely given over to his other self and wanted nothing other than her body, wanted only to satisfy the aching in his pants.
“Charlie, we aren’t supposed to have sex.” She emphasized ‘sex’, thinking he would understand what she was saying.
He started kissing her again and moved to pull down her floral print capris.
“No Charlie. Stop. This is wrong.” She had found her bearings and moved away. He watched her. She buttoned her shirt and righted herself in a corner of the tree house. When she was finished, he moved to her and kissed her again. He placed his hand down her shirt and began to feel her tender aching flesh that was forming a breast. His other hand moved to press her body down. He laid on top of her. She fought and screamed.
“Stop. No. No.” She kicked and shouted.
He didn’t understand the animal that had taken over his body, he only obeyed him. He raised his hand and formed his mouth to say ‘Shut up’ when his mother called up.
“Charlie, is everything okay. I thought I heard screaming or crying. Is Kami still there?”
“Yeah mom, we’re just playing a game.”
“Well it’s time for Kami to be getting home, it’s late.”
“Okay, mom.”
He’d given Kami a threatening glance, one that terrified her into silence. He arose. Weeping, she flew down the tree and ran. She ran from Charlie, ran from fear, ran from girlhood. She ran until she could run no more and then she let the tears fall. Head in hands, crouched against a building, she cried. Her cry enveloped all her pain and fear, the pain and fear of the world. It had seemed like an eternity that she was trapped in Charlie’s tree house, but it was only an hour. Her cry reached the edge of the universe and echoed in the depths of her soul, then she stood. With a deep sigh, she composed herself. She strode home as a queen, not allowing herself to cry.
Her parents met her at the doorstep. She was prepared to be scolded, whipped, grounded. She was prepared for everything except what happened. Her mother swept her up in her arms and enveloped her in love. Her dad joined in. Safe in their arms, she cried. A heart-piercing cry mingled with bitter pain, and so came the questions. Where was she? Was she hurt? Lost? Why didn’t she call? Didn’t she know not to be out so late?
They were concerned she knew but she didn’t respond to her parents’ inquiries. Alone, she balled up in a corner in her room and wept. She knew her parents didn’t know how to handle the situation. They ultimately decided that given she was out late, missed Family Night, didn’t call, didn’t appear hurt, was unwilling to share her pain, and that there were no signs of her absence being anyone else’s fault, she would be grounded. She was confined to the house for a week where she could have no phone calls and no visits, not even from Amana and Miguel. Kami was secretly elated. She wanted no contact with the outside world, she only wanted to be alone with her thoughts and so the week passed, days drifted in and out of her consciousness and weaved endlessly together. Of course, Amana and Miguel wanted to know what happened, but she never told them. Not ever. It was her only secret. And now, four years later, she had missed another Family Night and again, she could not explain why. She didn’t know what to do, but she didn’t have much of a choice.
She entered the den where she knew they would be waiting. A part of her hoped they would react as they had so many summers ago, but she knew better. Their eyes said they were waiting. She prepared herself.
”I have no excuse for missing Family Night and not calling, but I have something along the lines of an explanation.” She leaned against the door post then thought better of her position, took one step forward, and stood firm before the doorway as her mother sat facing her on the sofa and her father leaned forward in the armchair off to her left.
“Okay.” Mrs. Johnson was upset, but put on a composed front.
“Mom, dad, you guys always taught me how important friendship was and how you always need to be there for your friends, especially when they need you most.” The nod of confirmation encouraged her to continue, “Well, tonight one of my friends needed me—”
“Yes but—”
“Please let me finish.”
“Okay.”
“I had to be there. Now I can’t tell you what’ going on but I just need you to trust me. I had to be there and I was so caught up in the situation and concerned with her, calling here didn’t occur to me. Amana really needed me and I couldn’t abandon her and if it’s between her suffering and mine, I‘ll take the punishment. So, that’s about it. I was wrong, I admit, but I committed the lesser of the two evils.”
“Well, I see. I think your father and I need to talk this over before deciding on your punishment.”
“Yes ma’am.”
“But, is Amana okay?”
“Honestly, I don’t know.”
“What is it? I mean can we help?”
“Mom, I can’t. And please don’t say anything, her name just slipped.”
“Okay dear.” She beckoned to Kami, who came over and kissed her and then her dad.
“Night.”
“Good night honey.”
***************
Miguel knew what to expect.
His mother possessed no tolerance and his father was never one to sympathize. His parents gave him a responsibility and he didn’t fulfill it nor did he give notice on his inability to fulfill it. He was in trouble.
“Miguel Alonzo Ramirez.”
“Yes mama.”
“(translate to Spanish) Where have you been? We were worried? Why didn’t you call? Are you hurt?”
“No mama.”
“(in Spanish) To your room. (in English) Now.”
“Mama, I can explain.”
“Miguel.” She glared at him and protested no further. He knew she would wait for his father to return home and then he would receive his tongue-lashing and punishment in one fowl swoop. There were no protestations, no explanations, no apologies, only punishments. He had learned to accept it. On only a few occasions, he had defied his parents, occasions that he clearly remembered and sorely regretted, bar one. Older boys were harassing Kami, picking with her and pulling her hair and he stood up for her. He fought with them and was suspended from school for three days. His parents said they were disappointed in him, fighting like a regular (in Spanish) hooligan. But he was proud. Kami needed him and he was there for her, he had accepted his punishment graciously and now fate had dealt him a similar hand. Amana needed him and he was there for her. Yes, he would be punished, but he was proud. It was these thoughts that drifted through his head as he shut his door and lied upon his bed, inviting sleep.
************
Her stomach began to grow uncontrollably. Suddenly she saw flames, behind which Jason was trapped. She tried calling out to him. “Jason.” He turned to her though she heard no sound escape her mouth and he instantaneously became Miguel. She glanced at her belly then began to sob uncontrollably. When she glanced up again, she was alone. Frantic, staring at the eternal flames licking at her face, she worried for the thing growing within her. She ran her hands down her torso and found her stomach flat again. She looked to confirm this but as she did, she heard screaming. A child, her child, was in the flames, screaming, burning, dying. Kami awoke with a start. In a momentary daze, she flailed her arms, disoriented and still seeing flames. The room was distorted. In a state of semi-awareness, she fumbled for the picture. She smiled; reassured at the picture she, Amana, and Miguel had taken together at the carnival they attended the day before they began their sophomore year. Swiftly falling from the world of dreams and fantasies into the bitter chill of reality, she realized she was late. She quickly ordered her mind and became aware of the small cut on her finger, dripping blood. She thought briefly of the dream and shivered at the apparent omen.
***********
She groaned. No one except underclassmen went to school on half-days, but she knew she shouldn’t try her luck. Pulling out her cell, she remembered how late she was. They might be in class, so she refrained from calling them. But she needed to check on Amana. She called the house.
“Mr. Hale!” She was surprised to hear his voice; he was usually at work. She wondered if that meant he knew. “Is Amana home?”
“Yeah, she slept in today. She’s not feeling too well.” It sounded like he was the one feeling unwell, his voice was a dry whisper.
“Is it alright if I stop by and check on her?” He seemed to consider the thought deeply, then replied, hesitantly, “I’m not so sure that’d be a good idea.” Kami momentarily succumbed. “Goodbye Kami.”
“Wait Mr. Hale. I want to help. I need to help. She’s my sister.” She had to make him understand.
“No one can help now.”
“That’s not true and you know it.”
“It has to come from her.”
“I know. I know. But I can help bring it out or at the very least, just be there to let her know she’s not alone.”
“You’re a good friend Kami.”
“I’m on my way.” Hanging up the phone, she surveyed herself quickly, frowning at the reflection the mirror supplied.
“Amana needs me.” She said aloud, letting the words permeate her mind. “And I’ll be there.” She gathered her auburn hair into a high ponytail and changed into her orange Nike tracksuit, thinking the blue one was too depressing. At 9:30 am, she expected her parents to be gone but she knew that her mother, an on-call pediatrician, had varied hours. So, she stealthily scooped the keys up off the dining room table justifying her actions by noting that her parents hadn’t actually said she couldn’t take the car; they hadn’t actually said anything about restrictions, so technically she wasn’t grounded, and thus, she was not doing anything wrong.
*********
He never got up before ten on half days or weekends unless he had to work. Everyone knew that. So, at a quarter past nine, responding to the banging at his door, he mused over how he would kill whomever it was. Besides, he’d had a long night. “Too long.” He thought, reflecting.
“Amana!”
“Hey, sorry it’s so early.” She looked dowdy. He’d never seen her that way.
“No, no. I was up.”
“Yeah, right.” She cracked a small smile, “You’re a terrible liar.”
“Yeah I am, aren’t I?” He chuckled. “So what’s going on?”
“Let’s sit down and talk.”
“Okay.”
“I know I’ve been acting very strange and pulling away and I’m sorry. Thank you for being patient with me. Something really big is going on though.” She took a deep breath and paused, “I’m pregnant.” She tried to gauge his reaction but his face was blank. She feared looking into his eyes but she knew they would reveal his thoughts. As she ventured her eyes in that direction, he averted his gaze. She was disappointed. “It’s okay if you don’t have anything to say right now because there’s more.” She was amazed at how composed she was. She wished she could have been that way with everyone. “I was raped. In September. I’m not 100% sure whose baby I’m carrying. I didn’t tell you, I didn’t tell anyone, because I was ashamed. Please don’t hate me.” She held her breath for what seemed an eternity.
“I’m feeling a lot of things right now, and hate is one of them, but it’s not towards you. It’s hatred for the man who could have done that to you. Do you know who he is?”
“No. No. And it’s better that way. I just want to put the whole thing behind me.”
“Can you? I mean, if that’s his child – ”
“Stop.” She shouted abruptly. “Stop it right now. That’s not the case so there’s no point in even saying something like that.”
“But you just said— ”
“I know what I said and technically it’s true, medically I don’t know but I know in my heart this can’t be his, it can’t be.” Her voice began to break up as she conceived the possibility.
He took her hand. “Amana.” He gently tugged at her hand and dipped his head to make her eyes rise and meet his. “Amana I love you. And I love the child you’re carrying. Our child. I will be here for you. You know I will never leave you. But you do have to face the very real possibility that this child may not be mine. Oh, I wish to God that it is but Amana, you can’t live in a dream world. You have to find out for sure. It’s the only way you’ll have closure.” She nodded silently. “And whatever the results, I will be a father to this child. You are not alone.”
She held him tight and whispered hoarsely, “I’m so glad you feel that way. I was so scared. Scared of how you’d feel, how you’d react. Scared of losing you. I was hoping, praying…” She began to cry.
“Shh. Shh. Everything is going to be okay. You hear me. I promise you. I’m not going to let anything hurt you.” He placed a small kiss on her forehead. “Okay.”
“Yeah,” she sniffed.
“Look, let me make you some tea and we can talk some more.”
“Yeah, but not right this minute. Just stay here with me a little longer okay.”
“As long as you want,” he said, holding her tight, no longer thinking, only feeling.
********
“I have no idea where she is.” He was frantic, worried. “I didn’t hear her leave. I was sure she was here. Do you think she ran away?”
“No. No, Mr. Hale. I know Amana; she wouldn’t do something like that. She probably just went for a walk, to get some fresh air. Clear her head, she does that a lot. Or she may have even gone to school. You know, throwing herself into her work would get her mind off her stresses.”
“Yeah, yeah, you’re right. I’m going to call the school to see.”
Kami didn’t think he should but she knew he needed to. “Alright. Is it okay if I just wait here until she comes?”
“Sure.”
Kami felt like two people; two people who were always wrestling with each other. One person believed everything she had just told Mr. Hale, but the other person was skeptical. She didn’t know what to believe, what Amana was capable of, what she was thinking. But she subdued this doubtful devil and forced herself to believe.
“She’s not at the school.”
“Well, that’s fine, she probably went for a walk. She was probably restless and just needed a break.”
“You’re right.” He sat down and sighed with the heaviness of a thousand years. “How could this have happened?”
She should console him, she knew, reassure him, but she could not even reassure herself. “I believe everything happens for a reason. Hey, you want to know my philosophy for life: Everything is okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, it’s not end. I don’t know who said that but he/she was never more right. You have to believe that. You have to; what is this world without hope?”
When he didn’t reply, she glanced over at the mahogany chair he was in and noted his posture. Sitting upright with his head bowed and arms hanging limply between his legs, she thought he might have fallen asleep. But somehow, even without being on his knees and having his hands clasped and mouthing words, she had a feeling he was praying.
**********
“So how many people know?”
“Kami, Miguel, and my dad found out last night.”
Sipping tea, Troy and Amana sat comfortably with each other, and Amana felt at ease for the first time since she suspected she was pregnant.
“So I was the last to know.”
“Troy I—”
“Don’t worry about it.” He was hurt but he knew she didn’t need the guilt trip at the moment.
“I’m sorry.”
“Really don’t worry about it, it’s okay.” He wanted to change topic but it couldn’t be drastic. “So how’d everyone take it?”
“By everyone, you mean my dad?”
He nodded.
“I can tell he was trying to be strong for me but he seemed more hurt than I was.”
“He knows everything?”
“Somewhat.” She hesitated, fearing his reaction.
“Amana?”
“He doesn’t know that there is a possibility this is your child.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, when I told him I was pregnant, he went ballistic talking about how you’d destroyed my life and you were going to pay. I mean, he was crazy. I was scared of what he would really do if he knew so I told him that he’d misunderstood and that, you know.”
“So, he thinks that you and I were never together?” She gave a small nod of affirmation. “You have to tell him the truth. I mean if this is my child I am going to raise it and be a part of its life so he’s going to find out sooner or later.”
“I know, it’s just, I was just… Look, I didn’t know what to say or do, this is hard enough without every decision I make being criticized and condemned.” She was upset. “Isn’t it enough that I was raped, that I’m carrying a bastard child, and that it may be his. Man! Did you ever stop to think about how this is affecting me? All you can talk about is you and your baby and you haven’t stopped telling me what to do since I got here.”
“Amana, I’m just trying to help.”
“No,” she breathed, crying, hysterical, “You don’t care about anyone but yourself. As long as Troy is taken care of, nothing else matters. Why didn’t I see this before?! You know, a part of me knew better, that’s why I was pulling away, but I let my emotions get the better of me. I wanted to believe that you loved me and cared about me, but I see now that that’s not the case, it’s all about Troy. Well, I’m sorry I disturbed your beauty sleep, but never again because I don’t ever want to see you again. You know, I don’t know what’s worse, having that rapist SOB as the father of my child or you. But know this, if this child is yours, it will never know its selfish callous father, that’s for sure. Good bye Troy and have a nice life.” She strode quickly towards the door.
“Amana you don’t mean that. You’re not in the right place to make this type of decision. You know, pregnancy affects your emotions.” She continued to walk towards the door and he grabbed her wrist, mid-stride just as she reached the entranceway; pivoting, she slapped him. “For once I’m seeing everything crystal. Don’t touch me.”
As she walked away, Troy looked on, dejected and heart-wrenched, with his right arm outstretched, praying she would take it.
**********
Miguel needed to think and so he knew only one place to go. He wondered briefly if he was corrupted but the thought was transient. His parents thought he was going to school and honestly, he himself had thought he was going to school until he ended up at Lake Champlain. He had not meant to deceive them or himself and so thoughts of corruption were ridiculous.
It was placid and deserted at 10 a.m.- the sight surprised him. He was accustomed to seeing at least a dozen boats, a couple making out, or at the very least having Kami and Amana with him but there was no one. For once, he was alone; the realization intrigued him.
Sitting on the bank, he stared absently across the water, letting his mind wander to far away places he dared not voice, dared not consciously think about, and yet dared not leave. Places where the future was bleak and the lives of everyone he knew were destroyed. He mind took him to a place where sadness, hurt, pain, poverty, grief, and sickness were basic realities. His mind led him to a place that caused a tear to slide down his face.
Quickly brushing it away, he noticed blood. It was another nosebleed. “Shoot. This is the third one this week.” Miguel was worried but he hated doctors and hospitals. They were ominous, foreboding and he suspected he wouldn’t come back alive if he went. A part of him knew it was ridiculous, but he was a [phobia of doctors/hospitals]. He glanced up at the birds, following their formation in the sky, wondering if they were late migrates who had been left. Though his gaze was fixed upon them, he saw the water rising to meet them and the trees bowing gracefully, while the sun seemed to hurtle towards him and the fall colors swam around him. He felt light and tipsy and momentarily thought he was flying. It reminded him of the time Kami, Amana, and he tried to drink beer. He had felt sick and off-balance while wispy and free falling. Reds, greens, blues, and yellows blurred across his mind, and his name rang in his ears, as he plunged into the intensity of the white light in his mind that led him to a world of blackness.
*******
When he opened his eyes, the world was bathed in white. He lay confused, feverish with sweat pouring down his face and chills running down his spine. His chest hurt and trying to prop himself up, he found he was weak and fatigued. He tried to call out but only racking coughs escaped his lips followed by a gasp for air. He was disoriented and from some part of his mind an amorphous thought, a memory, a deja vu of sorts tried to take shape. From somewhere else a voice, without face or body, touched him. It sounded familiar like everything he was experiencing. He tried to turn toward it, but found it painful. He caught snatches of words as he slowly landed to reality.
“…you…worried….okay…” that came from a sweet, melodious voice filled with fear.
“Mig…happened…love…sick…” this sounded maternal and caring and he wanted to lay on the bosom of that voice and drift.
“…glad…okay…son…” this voice was hard, edgy, with a trace of concern.
Then someone was hugging him and though his chest hurt, he was glad. Her voice sounded like none of the others, “…best…friend…love…care…worried about…afraid…can’t lose…not serious…” she was crying and it was this voice he loved the most, this voice he wanted to cradle and console him. It was this voice he wanted to love forever. And then, they were all crying, and overwhelmed, Miguel drifted back to sleep.
*******
“So tell me again, what happened exactly.” The doctor whispered to Amana as Miguel slept three feet away, breathing easily with the help of a machine.
“Well, I was walking to Lake Champlain and as I walking up towards the bank, I saw Miguel. There was no one else around. I probably would have noticed him sooner but I was lost in thought. I called to him but it didn’t seem like he heard me. He was swaying, like he was off balance and he was really pale so I ran over to him. Before I reached him, he had collapsed. I wasn’t really sure what to do. I was so scared. I checked to see if he had hit his head but he hadn’t. I shook him, lightly at first, and I kept calling his name but he didn’t respond. I shook him harder but he still didn’t move. Then I stopped shaking him and I called an ambulance. I checked to see if he had a pulse, it was very weak. I didn’t know what to do. He seemed to be breathing. I didn’t know what to do. Then the ambulance came and I told them what I just told you. I tried to do everything I could think of, I was just so scared.” She was sobbing now and Kami went to her.
“Amana, it’s okay. He’ll be alright. There was nothing else you could have done.” Amana gave a small nod and tried to control herself so she wouldn’t wake Miguel or upset his parents.
“May I see you outside for a moment?” The doctored sounded grim as he addressed Mr. and Mrs. Ramirez.
Amana’s father took her in his arms and sat with her as she cried, while Kami went to Miguel’s side as the doctor ushered his parents from the room.
“I noticed Miguel has a lot of small bruises under his skin. Can you explain those?” The doctor shifted from his right to his left foot as he tried to ask them noncommittally.
“Are you suggesting we are in some way responsible for this, that we hit our son?” The six foot, three inch tall Mr. Ramirez, glared down angrily at the five and one-half foot, brown haired, brown-eyed, tanned to a golden brown stature.
“Sir, I’m not insinuating anything, but I do need to know where those bruises came from, they could important factors in diagnosing his problem and I may have to report them.” He said problem, hesitantly for though he suspected a serious illness or quite possibly a disease, he had learned it was best not to unduly alert parents.
Mrs. Ramirez tugged gently on her husband’s arm, giving him an imploring look. “I’m sorry, I’m just upset. We don’t know where those bruises came from, we didn’t even know they were there; he always wears pants and long sleeve shirts. We haven’t heard about any fights or anything.” The doctor glanced at the Mrs. Ramirez to gauge her reaction to her husband’s words. She seemed in total agreement.
“Have you noticed anything out of the ordinary with his eating habits?”
“Well, I noticed about a month ago he started eating less than usual. I asked him about it, but he just shrugged and said he ate a lot during the day. I didn’t really think more of it, though now that I think about it, he seems to be losing weight. Is he going to be okay?” Mrs. Ramirez was grief-stricken with these revelations.
“Well, right now he is simply sleeping. I’ll need to talk to him about those bruises and a few other things before I know for certain why he fainted. But until then, I don’t think you have much to worry about. I’ll let you know when I know more.” Re-entering the room, he noticed Miguel was awake and seemed coherent. Kami and Amana were talking softly with him, while Amana’s father smiled at him encouragingly from his chair. “I’m sorry, but I’ll have to ask you all to leave for awhile while I speak with Miguel.” the doctor said.
Dr. Grave gently closed the door behind them and unhooked the breathing machine. “Can you take a deep breath?” He positioned the stethoscope on his chest. “Now exhale.” He removed the stethoscope. “How is your breathing?”
“Fine now, thanks.” Miguel whispered hoarsely.
“Can you speak above a whisper?” The doctor asked as he shined a light into Miguel’s eyes.
“Um…yes.” It was a small whisper.
“It’s okay if you can’t.”
Miguel cleared his voice. “Yes. There. I can.”
“That’s good. Are you feeling tired?”
“A little.”
“Okay. Can you tell me about those bruises?”
“Oh, I bruise easily. They appear all the time, when I do just about anything, like graze the table or someone taps me with medium force.”
“I see. And how long has this been happening?”
“About two years now.”
“And you never told you parents or saw a doctor?”
“I didn’t think it was a big deal and I hate doctors. No offense.”
“None taken. So, can you tell me what happened today?”
“Well, I don’t remember exactly. All I know is that I was at Lake Champlain, staring at the birds and thinking, all of a suddenly, everything got hazy, sort of like seeing everything through fog, things got blurry, everything went white then everything went black. Then I woke up here and it hurt to move and I heard voices but I didn’t really know whose they were.”
“Okay, has this ever happened before.”
“No…well, sort of. I was in my room, and everything got sort of blurry then everything went black. When I woke up it was about six hours later and I just figured I’d fallen asleep and the blurry images were part of a dream.”
“And how long ago was this?”
“About six months.”
“Do you get nosebleeds or bleed easily?”
“Well, right before it happened, I got a nosebleed. Sorry I forgot about that.”
“It’s okay. Do you get a lot? Of nosebleeds I mean.”
“Well, at first I never got them, then about a year ago, I started having them. Only about two, a month, I figured it was too dry in the house or something. But, last month I had about five and the one today was the third this week.”
“And how is your appetite.”
“It’s fine.”
“Your mother said you haven’t been eating as much and you’re losing weight.”
“No. She’s just being worried.”
“Okay, I’m about to press down on different parts of your stomach, not hard, but just lightly and tell me if it feels tender or sore. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Feel anything, tenderness, soreness, anything?” He asked as he pressed.
“Nope, nothing.”
“Alright, I’m all done here. I’ll be back in a little while to check on you.”
“Okay. Um…is everything alright.”
“Well, I’ll have to get an urine and blood sample to test for some things, so everything’s speculative.
“Okay, will my family and friends be able to come back in.”
“Sure, but only for a little while, you need to get some rest.”
“Okay. Um, how long will I have to stay here.”
“You’ll probably be able to go home tonight depending on the test results.” With that he left and Kami, Amana, and his parents returned.
“Hey.” Kami whispered. “You doing okay?”
“I’m fine, cheer up.”
“What did the doctor say?”
“They won’t really know anything until they do some basic blood and urine tests.”
“But you’re feeling okay?”
“Great.”
Everyone heaved a great sigh of relief.
“Oh, my dad sends you his best, but he had to go and take care of some business.” Amana said.
“Alright, send my thanks.”
“Oh, I need to call my parents, I’m already semi-grounded, and they don’t know where I am.” Kami shifted her eyes anxiously as she left the room.
“So what were you doing out there all alone anyway?” Amana was just overcoming her disbelief.
“I guess I could ask you the same thing,” Miguel quipped with a smirk. Becoming more grave, “how are you holding up?”
“I’m good. I’m surprisingly good. I’ve decided to keep it, but um- Troy is not going to be a part of its life.”
“You told him?”
“This morning.”
“And he just abandoned you, left you to deal with this solely even though it might be his? What the-” Miguel reddened, too angry to speak.
“Look, don’t upset yourself. That’s not how it went down. I told him and at first he was cool but then…” her eyes watered, “when I told him I didn’t tell daddy that it could be his, he was really upset.”
Miguel was pensive, trying to assess the situation. “Are you going to tell you dad?”
“I don’t know, he was so crazy when I told him I was pregnant I seriously thought he would hurt Troy so I told him about the…incident.”
“So, did Troy give you some sort of ultimatum, like not supporting you if your dad didn’t know it could be his?”
“Um, no. I told him I didn’t want him to be a part of its life.” She bowed her head.
“And you meant it?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know. I was confused. I still am. I’m really not thinking straight.”
Miguel wasn’t sure which route to take. He knew Amana was hurting and sensitive currently and she didn’t need a lot of criticism but he also saw she was making a bigger mess of the situation. “Okay, look Amana, you know I love you right,” Miguel was growing fatigued, “and I only want to help you and do what’s best for you. So please listen to me and don’t- Do Not- take this and get all crazy. Just listen and really try to hear what I’m saying. Troy loves you. He wants to help and support you. Do not push him away at this critical stage. Talk to him calmly and rationally and try to help him understand your decision. Be open to his perspective. Maybe offer something neutral like having a paternity test and telling your father if Troy is in fact the father. However, that is only if you are really ready for the possibility that he isn’t. Also, check-in here. You need to be examined to ensure everything is normal.”
“You’re right.” She was humbled. “I’m going to call my dad and let him know I’m checking in.”
“Alright. I need some rest and my parents are probably finished with the paperwork so that’s cool.”
Amana dragged out of the room and Kami entered.
“Hey, I hope you don’t mind but I heard. I was at the doorway.”
“That’s fine but I’m very weak and tired now so I just want to rest.”
“Okay. My parents said it’s okay for me to stay here and they’ll let yesterday slide. They said they might come to be with your parents but they wish you the best.”
Miguel nodded silently.
“Is it okay if I just sit with you? I just want to be here.”
“Sure.” He smiled faintly.
She gingerly took his hand in her own and sat, watching him sleep.