The Stantenburg Party

Characters
Willard Stantenburg – The host of the party, pretty nerdy and a huge fan on Dungeons & Dragons. Wears a white dress shirt and khaki pants.
Frank Stevens – Willard’s best friends, a cool guy who is Willard’s friend because they’ve known each other so long. He wears a wifebeater, an open overshirt, and jeans.
Mr. Stantenburg – Willard’s father, very concerned about Willard’s well being and tries to be a good father to him. Wears suspenders with paint blotches on them.
Donald Peterson – Sort of a goofball, he has common sense but when he gets into something he likes he gets addicted to it. Wears average clothing.
Jeremy Montgomery – Rather normal friend who commits to a lot of bets and pacts. Wears average clothing.
Rebecca Field – The girl of Willard’s dreams. Wears average/sassy clothes.
Random Classmate #1 – (Male) as name says, no distinct personality, just sort of drunk sounding.
Random Classmate #2 – (Female) as name says, no distinct personality, just sort of drunk sounding.
Jockie McJockerstien – The big bad bully everybody fears. Wears shoulder pads over ripped t-shirt, and jeans.

Scene 1 – Interior, large white room. It has a large couch facing the audience with a table resting in front of it. Aside from the couch is a wooden chair. Walls are plain except for a family photo on the side wall and two swords crossed behind a shield on the back wall. Right below the shield is a large rectangular table with nothing on it. A phone hangs on the side wall. There are two distinct doors, one to the very left of the stage, perpendicular to the audience’s view. Another is placed in the back-right area, parallel to the audience’s view. Behind the couch we see a man standing all dressed up fixing his bowtie.

Willard – Oh boy, I’ve been waiting for this for months and now, a party with me as the host. This is so very exciting.
(We hear knocks from the door on the left. Willard walks to it and opens the door.)
Willard – Hey dad.
(Mr. Stantenburg enters the room)
Mr. Stantenburg – Hey son. Well, this place sure doesn’t look like a party and your friends should be arriving any minute.
Willard – Yeah, you’re right dad, I need to get some carrot sticks and apple cider.
Mr. Stantenburg – Well son, why don’t you live a little? When you told me that you’d be having a party, I was shocked, you having friends out of your Dungeons & Dragon’s group, that’s crazy.
Willard – Well, that’s not all. I’ve got Jeremy, Donald, Frank, and that one girl that calls me for homework help.
Mr. Stantenburg – Well, the point is I’ve got you chips, dip, coke, the works for this little shindig of yours.
Willard – Gee dad, that sounds like a darn hootenanny!
Mr. Stantenburg – …and this is why I already brought the food down.(Mr. Stantenburg walks offstage and brings in a wagon of junk food and chips. Willard and Mr. S place the food up on the table beneath the shield.) And you know, maybe if you’re lucky enough, I’ll bring old Mabel down here.
Willard – The TV down here? Sheesh, it weighs like 1.8625931 tons and I’m rounding DOWN!
Mr. Stantenburg – That’s why I said maybe, jackass.
Willard – All right dad, but be sure not to interrupt the party, there may be girls here.
Mr. Stantenburg – Well son, (Mr. Stantenburg reaches into his pocket and pulls out something, which is concealed due to his hand being palmed. Mr. Stantenburg sits down) Well, I know this is your first party and all, so have a good time. (Mr. Stantenburg shakes hands with Willard, thus transferring the concealed item.)
Willard – Dad!
Mr. Stantenburg – Look son, I’m really concerned, you know your Uncle Milton? Well, he once had a party unprotected and got AIDS, just look where he is now.
Willard – You’re right, working at a burger shack and being 38 can not be a good thing.
Mr. Stantenburg – He’s dead you dope! Your mother just told you that story so we would never go visit him.
(The right door opens and Frank enters.)
Willard – (To Mr. Stantenburg) Oh golly, my first guest. (Aloud) Welcome, Frank!
Frank – Hey hey ho, the party has officially begun. WOOH! (Frank looks around, noticed that nobody is there, and calms down a bit.) Oh…so I guess all the people are in the bathroom, or we’re moving to the garage now.
Willard – Well, no. You’re the first!
Frank – Oh, how very exciting.
Mr. Stantenburg – Well, I guess it’s about time I mosey on out of this residence (Mr. Stantenburg gets up from the couch.)
Frank – Alright, I’ll be seeing you, Mister S.
Mr. Stantenburg – Goodbye Francis.
(Mr. Stantenburg exits; Frank grabs a box of Nilla Wafers from the table and takes a seat on the couch, periodically eating a wafer.)
Frank – Alright Willard, so when does this party begin to start?
Willard – Well, that’s the thing. Those flyers that I posted a few months back. I had an address, phone number, times, dates, even RSVPs. That’s where I went wrong, some dirty pranksters decided to RSVP me a couple of mail bombs, good thing was, it was made by the whole group of Jockie McJockerstiens a.k.a. the large group of dumb people who tackle people in the halls and spit up their nostrils. So needless to say, they weren’t the highest of caliber or design.
Frank – Aw man that sucks. Did you call anybody yet?
Willard – Just you, Donald, and Jeremy.
Frank – What about your (Frank makes a child-like voice) girlfriend?
Willard – Hey SHUT UP, she’s not my girlfriend. GOD!
Frank – Oh yeah, because having a girlfriend is something to be ashamed of. I completely forgot that.
Willard – So why didn’t you bring Lyla here?
Frank – Because you are something to be ashamed of.
Willard – Okay that’s it, no more cookies for you! (Willard takes the box of Nilla Wafers away from Frank and tosses them on the ground.)
Frank – Not my wafers! (Frank dashes over to the spot in which they spilled and picks them up.) Come here my children, it will be all right. (After Frank’s done he gets up and stares evilly at Willard.) Okay, you fink, I’ll have my revenge, someday. (Frank sits down, pulls out a cookie that has dirt on it, he dusts it off, and eats it. Frank stares blankly for a few seconds.) In fact... (Frank gets up, walks towards the telephone, trips, and gets back up as if nothing happened. Frank takes the phone, walks back to Willard, grabs a slip of paper from Willard’s pocket.)
Willard – NO! (Willard gets up next to Frank and tries taking the phone, but fails.)
Frank – OH YES! (Frank starts dialing a number.) Nine Five Eight, Two Two Two Two. (Frank giggles.) Hello is Rebecca there? Hi, it’s Frank. Yeah I’m fine, how about yourself? (Waits a few seconds.) Okay, shut up for a minute. I’ve got a proposition for you. Would you like to come to a fun wacky party at Willard’s house? Oh yeah, it’s great. Willard specifically wanted you to come. Great. Okay. Bye! (Frank hangs up.)
Willard – You’re such a freakin’….face..head! (Willard punches Frank softly in the shoulder.)
(Donald and Jeremy enter via the right door.)
Donald – Party hardy guys, Donald has arrived!
Willard – Welcome second and third guest. Have a seat. (Willard sits down on the wooden chair, as Donald, Jeremy, and Frank take the couch.)
Jeremy – Hey guys.
Willard – What’s up?
Jeremy – Not much.
Donald – Heh, heh, Jeremy, what grade are you in?
(Jeremy hesitates, then sighs)
Jeremy – Ten plus two.
Willard – What?
Donald – (Laughs) Oh it’s great. I made a bet with Jeremy that he couldn’t last two days by only using only 1 vowel per word. Sure it sounds pretty stupid, but it’s fun to watch him squirm to think of words.
(Silence, Willard points to Jeremy.)
Willard – You, what’s your name?
Jeremy – Jam.
Willard – Why Jam?
Donald – Jeremy Arthur Montgomery.
Willard – Woah! 3 first names, that is the epitome of WHACK.
Donald – I know, I’d totally expect his middle name to be “Adams.”
Willard – Well, Adam is a first name.
Donald – Adams (Accentuates the “S”), you know, with an S at the end?
Willard – Hey (Pause) shut up.
(Mr. Stantenburg enters.)
Donald, Frank – Hey, Mister S.
Mr. Stantenburg – Hey Donald, Frank. Guess WHAT?
All – What?
(Mr. Stantenburg goes offstage and rolls in a television set.)
Mr. Stantenburg – I’ve got old Mabel!
(Everybody sans Mr. Stantenburg jumps in the air and yells)
All – Yay!
Mr. Stantenburg – Now, Mabel is a very special television, you don’t need any plugs for her to work, and thus you can’t trip over anything. (Mr. Stantenburg places the television in front of the couch.)
Willard – Now Dad, are you sure that’s not just a loophole in the whole play just to save some time and space?
Mr. Stantenburg – Well son, that’s exactly it. (Mr. Stantenburg leaves. A few seconds later, bass pumped rap music grows louder. Silence sans the music for a few seconds.)
Frank – (Yelling) What’s that?
(Willard mouths “What?” and gestures a confused face.)
Frank – I said (voice increases) What’s (rap music stops) that?
Willard – Oh, that means that mom’s home.
Donald – Great, no more noise. Now I can watch my cartoons.
(Donald fiddles with the television and cartoons are turned on.)
Frank – Hahaha, so you’re mom’s a wigger? What a f- (Computer VO – “nice person.”)…Wait, what the h- (Computer VO – “bacon”) is that?
Willard – Well, my parent’s developed a real time word filter, and you guys call me a nerd. What is does is prematurely guesses words you’re going to say, and if it’s offensive, it is overwritten by a computer voice spouting a non-offensive word or phrase.
Frank – (Sounding as if he understands) Ooh. Well you can go ahead and eat my c- (Computer VO – “potato salad.”)
Jeremy – That is so RAD! Heh, heh, Don is such a t- (Computer VO – “torso.”)
(Donald, so zoned out in the cartoons, doesn’t realize that Jeremy is talking to him. Seconds pass.)
Donald – Oh that Daffy Duck, when will you ever learn? (Donald sighs enjoyably)
(Silence.)
Willard – Um, guys, this is a pretty boring party. How about we liven it up with some D&D action? (Willard gets punched in the face by Frank immediately, knocking him out of the chair. Willard gets back up.) I’d bet if Gallelon, The Dark Elf Wizard, were here all your health points would be depleted.
Frank – Oh yeah, well I have +20 Magic defense, so your Dark Elf Wizard couldn’t even penetrate my field…nerdo.
Jeremy – Guys, calm down.
Frank – I’ll calm you down!
Jeremy – Is that so?
Frank – Yeah!
Donald – Come on guys, just chill out. (Looks at table, grabs wafers.) Here, take some wafers. (Everybody grabs a handful of wafers and calms down.)
Frank – (Mouth full of wafers.) You know what? I’ll make some calls and turn this into a decent party! (Somebody knocks on the door.)
Willard – Wow, you didn’t even pick up the phone and already somebody arrives. I’ll get it. (Willard opens the door and sees Rebecca. Willard is befuddled) a homina homina homina.
(Lights dim.)

Scene 2 – The same “scene” basically but about 10 people in there. Cheesy lounge music is blasting in the background. Frank and Willard are standing next to the rectangular table.
(Lights undim)

Willard – Hey, thanks a lot Frank, you’ve really turned this party around, like before my popularity was 2 times radical 5, but oh gee whiz, my popularity is now at 2 times radical 23. Thank you so much Frank.
Frank – Start speaking like that some more and I’ll radical your ass.
Willard – Oh…how dandy, I’m going to go get a drink. (Willard turns around and fixes himself a soda.)
Random Classmate #1 – WOAH FRANKIE! (Random Classmate #1 tries to high-five Frankie but falls.) Man I am so wasted. (RC#1 walks away from Frank.)
Random Classmate #2 – Oh, Frankie, you are so handsome. Just because you’re so handsome…I’ll let you have me, any single way you want.
Frank – I have a girlfriend.
Random Classmate #2 – Come on Frankie. (Random Classmate #`2 pulls Frank close to her) guess what? I spiked the dip. (Frank pushes RC#2 near Donald, who is still watching cartoons.) Call me, Frankie!
(RC#1 Takes the dip and starts guzzling it down, he puts down the dip leaving little left, and exits through the back-right door. Willard turns around.)
Frank – Took long enough to prepare one glass of coke.
Willard – I just like the right amount of ice and beverage in my drink.
Frank – Come on guy, talk to Rebecca. I mean come on, Jeremy’s making a pass on her and he can barely speak!
Jeremy – So, Becky, I think that pretty is thy.
Rebecca – That’s sweet of you, Jeremy.
Jeremy – Why, thanks. Becky is a hot girl.
Frank – (To Willard) Dude, honestly. He’s talking like a shakespearian foreigner.
Willard – Alright. (Willard walks towards Rebecca and walks back.) I need dip in this drink. I hear it’s spiked. (Willard puts some Walks towards Rebecca.) Rebecca.
Frank – Oh my freakin’ no! Willard you have a low tolerance for alcohol!
Rebecca – Oh, hi Willard. (Rebecca smiles at Willard. Willard takes a sip of his drink.)
Willard – How would you enjoy being courted by myself? For I am Willard, The Dungeon Master, with my trusty Long Blade and +20 Steel armor I can defeat any wrong-doer.
Rebecca – Come again, Willard?
Willard – Fair maiden, I shall be your hero!
Frank – (Whisper’s to Willard) This may be the way Gallelon, The Dark Elf Wizard, picks up chicks, but it doesn’t work out of fantasy land.
Willard – Fear not! I shall defeat anybody who challenges me.
(Tense music plays as Jockie McJockerstien enters through the left door. Snarling and foaming at the mouth, scaring away everybody but Jeremy, Frank, Willard, and Rebecca.)
Willard – Hahaha, this is the tame beast that wishes to challenge me? Just let me get my Long Blade (Takes sword from sword and shield collection. Jockie grabs Rebecca, Rebecca screams.)
Jeremy – Kill the man, Willard. (Everybody quiets down.)….oh…crap. I DIDN’T MEAN TO! (Jeremy slaps himself and he falls unconscious)
Willard – AHHH, YOU! VILE PERSON! (Willard lunges at Jockie, successfully stabbing him. Jockie falls to his knees.)
Jockie McJockerstien – I…have…fallen. (Jockie falls face down.)
Rebecca – Willard! (Rebecca hugs Willard)
Willard – (Turns to Frank.) Frank, my friend, you have been with me time and time again. Since I could remember, I’ve had you by my side. (Turns to Rebecca), and Rebecca, though I’ve barely knew ye, I believe I will spend the rest of my life with you.
Rebecca – Oh, Willard!
(Rebecca and Willard spin around in a circle and close next to each other, everybody freezes and the lights Dim.)

Scene 3 – Set to be exactly before Rebecca enters scene two.

Willard – Oh, Rebecca!
(Everybody sans Willard laughs)
Donald – That was the lamest thing I’ve ever heard.
Willard – Hey, come on, shut up. I can have my dreams. LET ME HAVE MY DREAMS.
Frank – Guys, come on. I thought it was sweet. What would make it perfect though is if all your orc and wizard friends were there, and after you defeated the evil jock, you leveled up.
Willard – Well I mean what else can you do? All your friends never showed up and this party was a complete failure.
Donald – Well, I was satisfied, cartoons and free food. How great? Jeremy, come on let’s hit the road. (Donald gets up)
Jeremy – Right. (Jeremy gets up)
Willard – I’ll see you guys, thanks for stopping bye.
Jeremy – (walks towards the door with Donald.) Later.
Donald – Hah! (Walks out the door with Jeremy) You totally lost the bet, now payup!
(Jeremy and Donald exit. Seconds pass of silence.)
Frank – So…
Willard – So…
Frank – Wanna play a game?
Willard – (Very anxiously) D&D?!
Frank – Nah, how about Trouble?
Willard – Popamatic Trouble?! YOU BET! (Willard gets out the trouble set from underneath the couch and places it on the table in front.)
(Mr. Stantenburg enters.)
Mr. Stantenburg – Hey, what are you kids doing?
Frank, Willard – Getting into trouble!
Mr. Stantenburg – Oh, you!
(Mr. Stantenburg exits.)
Frank, Willard – It’s fun getting in to trouble!
(Lights Dim.)