The Politics Of Piracy

Characters
Blackbeard The 3rd-The Captain of The Malicious Marty Pirate Ship, he's a good guy at heart. Just a tad over assertive. Wears the typical Captain outfit.
One Eyed Jacklyn-Captain's right hand woman. Also the person who sails the ship. Sort of uptight being that she is much higher than the other pirates. Wearing new and fresh pirate clothing, has a patch.
Lonesome Tom-Doesn't make any on stage appearances. He controls the Crow's Nest and makes rude comments.
Myron Gordon- Not really fit to be on a pirate ship, just a british sophisticate who just wants to get to a new land. Wears a nice suit.
Common Pirate #1-Just a typical pirate who adds really nothing to the conversation but a Yarr here or there. Wears raggedy old pirate clothes.
Common Pirate #2-Just a typical pirate who adds really nothing to the conversation but a Yarr here or there. Wears raggedy old pirate clothes.
Captain Kate Mordecai-Captains an opposing pirate ship, who board The Malicious Marty. Vicous and seductive. Wears a sexy captain's outfit.
Handsome Gregory-Captain Kate's lackey who board the ship as well. Doesn't do much but swordfight. Wearing high furbished pirate clothing, has long blonde hair and very narcissitic.

Scene:
(A very typical pirate set, two masts with sails folded down. The bowsprit is to the right of the stage and the quarterdeck is to the left. On the main deck is One Eyed Jacklyn passed out and bleeding. One cannon is on the main deck, facing the audience. On the quarterdeck is Blackbeard The Third and Captain Kate in the middle of a swordfight.)
Kate-My skills with a sword are highly venerated!
Blackbeard-Too bad they're all FABRICATED.
(Blackbeard knocks Kate's sword out of her hand.)
Kate-Why...NO, I can't! You shall rue the day you defeat Captain Kate Mordecai!(Kate jumps off stage)
Myron(Offstage)-Is she gone?
Blackbeard-Yes, Myron, she's gone.(Blackbeard places his sword back in his sheath)
Myron(walks on stage)-Oh, good show captain! Good show.(Walks up to Blackbeard and shakes his hand nervously)
Blackbeard(Walks towards Jacklyn)-Jacklyn, are you okay?(Taps Jacklyn's face a few times, she turns over and becomes conscious) Jacklyn, that was a hell of a fight you put up.
Jacklyn-Thanks Captain.
Blackbeard(Grabs Jacklyn and helps her up)-Here, let's get this blood cleaned off of you.(Jacklyn puts her arm around Blackbeard's shoulder as they go offstage, Blackbeard re-enters) As for the rest of you. Myron, get some of the crew out here. Tom, what's our position?(Myron walks offstage sort of displeased)
Tom-Well, there's water all around us. If I look hard enough I can see Captain Kate's ship leaving our vision.
Blackbeard-Yeah yeah, sarcasm. I get it. You're just as useless as the other members of this ship.
Tom(Mutters)-Why thank you, you dirty fink of a Captain.
Blackbeard-What was that?
Tom-Uh, it was a bird, CAW, CAW!
Blackbeard-Oh, okay.
(Enter Myron with Common Pirate #1 and #2)
Myron-Well it seems these two would be the only ones who'd come up.
Blackbeard-Well, you two tell the rest of the crew that what just happened was a small taste of what sailing these seas can bring. I want them prepared or they'll be living the rest of their lives on our keel!
Common Pirate #1-Yarrr, we can't do that Captain.
Blackbeard-...and why is that, Common Pirate #1?
Common Pirate #1-Frankly Captain, you're a real ass.
Blackbeard-BWHAT?!
Common Pirate #2-It's true Captain, you give us barely enough to live on. While you and your Ladyfriend eat fancy. You give us Lucky Charms. WITH NO MILK! Tell me, what's so good about cereal if you can't eat it with MILK? Yarr, that's like having steak without some delicious A1 Steak Sauce. (A brief pause as Common Pirate #2 turns to the audience and gives a thumbs up). We want a say in what goes on on this ship!
Blackbeard(Laughing Hysterically)-BAHAHAHAAH, OH, oh my god. You, you want sa-hahahaha, hold on this is too good. (Yells) JACKLYN! Come here, you've gotta hear this.(Blackbeard dashes offstage and returns quickly dragging Jacklyn by the hand. Jacklyn has a bandage from where she was bleeding earlier.) Go on, Fancy Pants, tell the lady what you told me.
Common Pirate #2-We want a say in what goes on on this ship!(Blackbeard and Jacklyn start laughing)
Jacklyn-Oh, and what are you gonna do? You just saw how captain easily took care of that skilled Captain Kate. He could take all of you down with just as ease.
Blackbeard(Turns to Jacklyn)-I could get more use out of them as cannonballs
Common Pirate #1-Yarrr. We've got weapons too, you know. One shank to the face and you'd be out of our way. We're just trying to be a bit nice to you instead of with the killing. Oh but we will kill ye if we have to.(Common Pirate #1 & #2 pull out swords and walk closely towards blackbeard)
Myron-AHH!(Cowers near the mast)
Blackbeard(Raises hands to shoulder height and takes small steps backwards)-Woah whoa woah. There doesn't need to be any killing going on in here. What is it that you want?
Common Pirate #2-We want to choose our captain.
Blackbeard-But, that's completely unfair, this is MY SHIP. I bought it with my booty. Therefore I should be the one to Captain it.
Common Pirate #1-Yarright, we'll have it this way. We choose one person, and you. We vote for who shall captain the ship. That's all ye get, ye infectious grog drinking haggard!
Blackbeard-Fine fine, okay. Just put ye swords away.(Mutters as Common Pirates put their swords away) Ye dirty landlubbers.
Common Pirate #2-Yarr, we want Myron chosen to be captain. (Myrons eyes open wide.)
Blackbeard-MYRON?!
Common Pirate #2-YARRR.
Blackbeard(Walks over to Myron)-Look at him, he ain't fit to be a pirate. He's just along with us because he payed me so.
Myron-I believe I can speak for myself, mate. Look, I am willing to captain The Malicious Marty. Changes will be made for the good of the pirates!
Common Pirate #1 & #2-Hoorah!
Myron-I will turn your scurvy ridden bodies to..more..healthy...bodies!
Common Pirate #1 & #2-Hoorah!(Blackbeard pulls his sword out from the sheath, Myron screams and cowers)
Blackbeard-He will also flee in any sense of danger, but what can I say. You filthy scum chose him. Now if you want a true leader, somebody who knows what he's doing. You'd leave it with me.
Myron-Hey, I can be just as fearless as the next guy! All you bloody wankers do is sit around the ship and get drunk off ye arse. You're all too pissed to even remember what you're being fearless about. I could easily replace our hold of...NOTHING, with booty galore!
Tom-Mmmm, booty galore.
Jacklyn-Oh would you shut up!
Tom(Mutters)-Yeah, why don't you.
Jacklyn-What was that?
Tom-It was a bird.CAW, CAW!
Jacklyn-I don't see any birds
Tom-Well...they fly fast.
Jacklyn-Oh.
Myron-Back to what I was saying. I say we settle this now. We set up a voting booth and we'll get the pirates out to vote.
Blackbeard-Then let's do it, MYRON.
(Lights dim)
Tom-Great, this will be like choosing the lesser of two evils. A pompus british prick, or a bossy half wit pirate.
(Lights brighten as on the main deck Myron and Blackbeard are sitting down on stools, with a porto potty inbetween the two masts. Next to Blackbeards stool is a mug. Common Pirate #2 exits the porto potty)
Common Pirate #2-Yarrr, I'm done voting.(Blackbeard gets up from the chair.)
Blackbeard-Well, let's go tally the votes. (Blackbeard goes into the porto potty and brings out a bucket with papers in it. He sits it on a stool, Common Pirate #1 & 2, Jacklyn, and Myron gather around. Blackbeard takes the lid off the bucket and begins revealing names.) The first vote is, Blackbeard. The second vote is, Myron. The third vote is, Blackbeard. The fourth vote is, Myron. The fifth vote is, Myron. The sixth vote is, Blackbeard. The seventh vote and our new captain is...BLACKBEARD!(Myron, and both Common Pirates sigh loudly)
Common Pirate #2-Now wait just a mi-
Blackbeard(Shouts)-Blackbeard is the captain!(Blackbeard picks up his mug)
Jacklyn-To Captain Blackbeard
All-Hoorah!(Jacklyn, Blackbeard, & Common Pirate #1 exit stage)
Myron-Well, that accomplished nothing.
Common Pirate #2-Yarr. Well at least the Malicious Marty is not under his complete control. We have a say on the decisions that go on. Else we don't I'll be shanking his shank so full of shank he wont know what shanked him.
Myron-Righto, mate.
Common Pirate #2-Yarr, so why do ye Britans talk all fancy?
Myron-I don't know, Common Pirate #2, why do you pirates talk so terribly?
Common Pirate #2-Yarr, well, me mother and father both died when I was eight. They had the bubonic plague. So I was raised by me Aunt and Uncle. They were both very poor people. Yarr, but they kept me around as long as they could. When I was nine they sold me into labor. I was building shops and working hard until one day. I was working on building a dock when I look me eyes out to sea and see a real live pirate. That's when I knew I wanted to be on a boat like that one day, but not then. I was too young. So I worked as a slave for a few years until I met a girl. Her name was Donald. Her parent's named her Donald because they really wanted a son, and they could never come to the belief that they birthed a female. Donald and I became quick friends and both shared the same aspiration for piracy. Then one day, a piano fell on her and she died. That's when I knew I had to become a pirate, for herself and for me.
Myron-You're bloody bonkers! That story explained nothing about why you pirates speak like that.
Common Pirate #2-Yarr, I know. I just needed to tell somebody.
Tom-Guys, I've got some bad news.
Myron-What's that?
Tom-Well, it looks like Kate Mordecai is on her way back here.
Myron-WHAAA?! (Myron runs to the exit door) Blackbeard, Jacklyn, Common Pirate #1. COME OUT HERE!(Jacklyn and Common Pirate #1 runs on stage)
Jacklyn-What's wrong?(Blackbeard staggers in)
Tom-Hey look, Captain's drunk again. How new.
Blackbeard(drunk sounding)-Don't worry Myron. Everything is all under control.
Myron-I knew all you were was a grog swallowing pig. We need to fire at them!
Blackbeard(drunk)-Hey, you're not in control, HIC, we've gotta vote about it.
Myron-There's no time to vote! If we don't sink her now she'll board our ship and we'll all be in trouble
Blackbeard(drunk)-Everybody needs to vote. Jacklyn, get in HIC. Get in there and start the voting. (Jacklyn dashes inside the porto potty and comes out seconds later.) Now everybody else. Go as you please. (Everybody else proceeds to vote)
Jacklyn-You guys count the votes. Common Pirate #2, come with me. We need to sober Captain up. (Blackbeard, Jacklyn, and Common Pirate #2 walk offstage. Myron goes into the porto potty and comes out with the bucket and tosses it on the ground)
Myron-Common Pirate #1, get the cannon ready! (Common Pirate #1 runs towards the cannon and fools around with it as if getting the cannon prepared)
Tom-But you didn't count the votes, I refuse to fight in this battle!(a telescope falls from one of the masts)
Myron-Like you should have any say in this process at all. You couldn't even be considerate enough to vote this time around.
Tom-Bah at you.
Myron-Common Pirate #1, FIRE THE CANNON!
Common Pirate #1-I only take orders from my captain.
Myron-Pah. (Mutters)Bloody pirate will only take orders from a captain even if his mingin' life is in danger, I swear all a bunch of wankers on this ship.
Tom-What was that?
Myron(Starts walking offstage speaking in a really sarcastic voice)-It was a bird, caw caw. Okay? (Myron walks on stage a few mintes afterwards)
Blackbeard(drunk)-Common Pirate #1, fire the machine.
Common Pirate #1-Aye Aye, Captain!(Common Pirate #1 fires the cannon and misses.)
Myron-Oh, great job dead-eye. That was our only cannonball!
Common Pirate #1-Well, in my opinion. It wasn't too smart to only have one cannonball in the first place.
Myron-Aw bug off, you poof.
Tom(Sounding really unenthusiastic)-Hey look. It seems as if Kate and some other guy might be trying to board this ship.(Kate and Handsome Gregory board the ship. Myron screams and hides behind a mast.)
Kate-Well it seems as if we meet again, Malicious Marvin.
Tom(Sounding high pitched)-Why hello Kate, I do prefer you don't get your ugly little patsy off myself.(Myron creeps offstage.)
Gregory-Ugly? Well I never thought a ship could be so mean! (Gregory pulls out a mirror and begins powdering himself.)
Kate-You blundering idiot. Ships can't talk. It's that bafoon up there who had you fooled. (Gregory looks up and waves. Kate smacks herself in the head.)
Tom-Hello Kate, what a nice outfit you have. I love being able to see right down it.
Kate-Hmph(Kate folds her arms in an attempt to conceal her cleavage. Jacklyn and Common Pirate #2 run onstage with swords in their hands.)
Jacklyn-Well, well, well, if it isn't Kate the Plate.
Kate-My, don't you have a knack at coming up with insulting names? Gregory, take care of these common pirates.
Gregory-Aye Aye. Captain. (Puts away mirror and pulls out his sword. As do Common Pirate #1 & #2. They engage in combat.)
Kate-Now that they're occupied. I suppose your Captain's drunk as usual. So it's me and you.
Jacklyn-You and I, Kate. You and I, me and you is not correct grammar, and it makes you seem even stupider than you really are. (Jacklyn and Kate both swing their swords and they clash together.)
Kate-Your looks would make pigs nauseated.
Jacklyn-If you don't count the ones you've dated. (Jacklyn and Kate's swords clash some more as Kate retreats a few steps.) I'll leave you devastated, mutilated and perforated.
Kate-Your odor alone makes me aggravated, agitated, and infuriated! (Jacklyn and Kate's swords clash again as Jacklyn retreats a few steps.)You can't match my witty repartee.
Jacklyn-I could, if you would use some breath spray.(Jacklyn and Kate's swords clash as Kate retreats a few steps.) Coming face to face with me must leave you petrified.
Kate-I...uhh....come again?(Jacklyn knocks Kate's sword out of her hand. Common Pirate #1 cuts a piece of hair off of Handsome Gregory.)
Gregory-AHHH!(Kate and Jacklyn turn to look at Gregory) You vile person. You cut my favorite lock of hair. My..favorite...lock.(Gregory walks next to a mast, sits down and starts crying. Common Pirate #1 & #2 go to comfort him. Kate picks up her sword and stabs Jacklyn as she turns back to face Kate. Jacklyn falls to the ground.)
Kate-Is that your face? I thought it was your backside!(Blackbeard walks on stage.)
Blackbeard-Now now just hold on a minute. You can't just stab my crew unexpectingly like that. That may be dirty, rotten, and a low down thing to do, but it's not the pirates way. You know what I think of you Kate? (Blackbeard takes Kate's sword and tosses it offstage) Now, Kate, leave. (Kate exits stage. Blackbeard walks to Gregory). You, you've gotta go as well.
Gregory(Shakes his hair)-Hmph. (Gregory exits stage looking very depressed. Myron slowly enters stage.)
Myron-Is...is she gone?
Blackbeard-Yes, she's gone.
Myron-Hoorah! Good show captain, another good show.
Blackbeard(Walks towards Common Pirate #1)-And you see (grabs Common Pirate #1 by the collar) That's why you don't do democracy on a pirate ship!(A cawing sound is made. Blackbeard tosses Common Pirate #1 to the ground.) Dammit Tom we know that's you!
Tom-It wasn't me this time! (a stabbing sound is heard and a dead bird falls from the mast) You see?
All-That's Tom!(Cue cheesy ending music)

The End