My husband is hilarious!

The following is a list of hilarious things my husband has said. My nickname for him is "Mr. J" so I call this list:

Mr. J-isms
(pun intended)

If you like these, add this to your Favorites list. It will be updated as often as I can write them down!

I'll be adding to this frequently. I'm going to start adding to these as often as I can, hopefully one per day. I'll put the new ones on the top, along with the date I've added them, for me to keep track.

Warning
Some of these may be offensive to some people. It is not my intention to offend anyone. You have been warned!

Hey! If you like what you read here (or not), check out Mr. J's portfolio!

Mr. J
12.14.05
"Shut up, you're so in my face!"

12.13.05
"Sorry, Star Wars is on."

12.12.05
"There is a God, and he loves curly fries."

12.11.05
"I can't wait till this whole area is on fire."

12.10.05
"You're about as honest as a dishonest person....with cheese.....and someone else's money."

12.9.05
"Even a person who's worthless can work a blind."

12.8.05
spidey: I don't do anything I'm dared to do.
Mr. J: Yeah, I'm like, "I dare you to pick up those sticks," and you're like, "No! I can't believe it!! You're crazy!!"

12.7.05
"I'm not as excited now that I know that I used to know but I forgot that I knew."

12.6.05
"She's like a 90 year old woman with a 10 year old haircut."

12.5.05
spidey: I'd want to make someone I don't like out of cheese, so I can bite him! ....Then I'd want to make someone I like out of cheese...

spidey & Mr. J in unison: so I can bite him!

12.4.05
"I'm like, 'Fuck you, nuns!'"

12.3.05
"You're cool this week."

12.2.05
spidey: We're supposed to get snow.
Mr. J: You're getting snow. I'm not.

12.1.05
Mr. J was taking a very worried patient to surgery yesterday. Immediately, she started asking him all kinds of questions. He finally interrupted her and said, "Ma'am, my name is Shaun Jordan and I have no medical training." She looked at him and said, "Oh, great!"

Nurses nearby looked horrified.


11.29.05
"I'm going to Wal*Mart. They must be giving out free blowjobs and Star Wars guys!"

11.28.05
(a conversation between Mr. J and his Mom)
Shaun: I don't celebrate Christmas.
Mom: What's your problem?
Shaun: What's your problem?
Mom: I don't have a problem, I celebrate it!

11.27.05
"I hate the Kennedys."

11.26.05
"Just give the fucking' Coke to the baby!"

11.25.05
"You think you're hot, but you're not! You're cold, rice pudding."

11.24.05
spidey: Stop acting like a llama and you'll stop crying!
Mr. J: I can't!


11.23.05
"Rice pudding and dogs don't mix! Well... they do if you have one of those blendy things . . . and a small enough dog."

11.22.05

"Man, I'm the stupidest hooker in the world!"

11.21.05

"I can't stand babies sometimes."

11.20.05

"You can date-rape babies and as long as you believe, you'll go to Heaven."

11.19.05

"People take things too seriously. Like babies. Who give a shit?"

11.18.05

"I like Jesus, but I'm gonna judge everybody and kick them in the face."

11.17.05 (2 parts)
"You're no longer a knight of the Ron Jeremy Square Table."

"Welcome to Ron Jeremy-alot."


11.16.05
"You know what I hate? Rubber scrapers.

I mean, ya get all the stuff out of the bowl but then there's still stuff on the rubber scraper. So you get another rubber scraper to scrape your rubber scraper.

Then you use the original rubber scraper to scrape the new rubber scraper, etc.

It's the catch 22 situation of rubber scrapers.

Then some housewife from Ohio in 1953 said, "fuck this. Momma died in this rubber scraper situation." She licked the fucker. She died of dysentary. That's why parents give the rubber scraper to their kids to lick. Checking for infection. You just can't win with rubber scrapers."



11.15.05
Mr. J explaining how The Drama Club will steal me away from him:

TDC: We'll play for you every single day. You just have to come over to our side.

Tonia: ....um....wait...but I'm married.

TDC: But we have cake and chips!

Tonia: Where do I sign?

A week later, Mr. J says, "I wonder where Tonia is...."

11.13.05 "I think I'm having a mid-life crisis......at least I know when I'm going to die now."

11.11.05 "Stupid idiot in a fountain can't get out of a fountain"


May the fires of Troy burn in your pants.


I was making popcorn in the microwave the other night, and Mr. J didn't realize that I was. He heard the popping and calmly said:
"There's something blowing up in the kitchen."


Don’t be a jack-ass, and would you stop being a jack-ass for 10 minutes?


(As I was at the grocery store, trying to pick out juice) “Would you stop being a Nazi soldier and pick something?”


Fuck you lady! We don’t want the cheese now!


Stop that, you’ll grow frogs!


They’re not all women, but this is the slums, so it’s mostly women.


Watch out, it’s dead Betty Boop! Rargh!!!


If you ever exploded, how do you think it would happen?


I love pie. Never did mathematics taste so good!


Let's go running up some ladders!


I'm sweating my bags off!


I don't need energy. I'm fabulous!


Cheese is Christ.


If I were Japanese, you'd think I was cool.


You really need to learn how to blow a bottle. (I mean that in the hoe-down sense)


I'm hallucinating!


Sometimes I'm a movie. Have you ever been a movie?


Video games are like life. They're so much harder when you're not telling me what to do.


I'm the nonsense to your content.


I should win an award for talking out my ass.


I got an instant camera and a vagina full of crabs.


Fear my pudding face!


I hate being fat. It makes me feel fat.


Water is a gateway drink.


Me and the cheeseballs are taking over the world.


Fickly juice!


They must really like me, the people who created this game, with everything looking like penises.


Whoever created noodles is a genius!


I kill people like you for breakfast!


You're so full of lies . . . Um . . . Jesus cries!


Death to all booty-things that don't like me!


You eat crabs! . . . And that's how I feel.


I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over my gyrating hips.


Robert Englund in drag! It doesn't get any better than that.


I was really good at giving speeches. You know, besides the shaking and stuff.


I'm about as funny as a one-eyed veteran in a wheel chair eating a donut.


Diagnose me as a goofball!

I'd rather be a Chinese corpse than a French lizard.

Okay, get dressed in sexy clothes and crawl on top of the car.

<singing to the tune of a Talking Heads song that goes "Home is where I want to be, lift me and turn me round"> Homo is what I want to be, but I have a wife so I can't . . . That's pretty good for making it out of my head.

You're going to bed . . . I mean I'm going to bed.

Who did this song originally? Was it Billy Springsteen?

This is what I'm going to look like when I'm gay.

This is what happens when Mr. J hasn't had a cigarette for a few days and tries to say "clam chowder":
Ch . . . um . . choop? . . . Something that starts with "c" and ends with "soup."
Then a day later, out of the blue, he says, "Clam Chowder doesn't have 'soup' in it!"

Ooh! Cold mouse hand.

Don't marsh my mallow!

Sometimes I wish I was Groucho Marx. But then I wouldn't be me, I'd be Groucho Marx and I don't know how I'd feel about that.

There's a video game for Playboy the Mansion? That's so gay! . . . In a very manly way.

Oh my God, Sheri Moon, I want to bear your children.

It's a punk rock tree and it doesn't like you! It's gonna throw that truck at you! . . . Trees are strong.

Take off your pants and make me some soup! . . . And that's how I feel.

The following are conversations that took place between Mr. J and myself:


A little background: My husband loves to make his own shirts. He has one shirt, it's black with the word "abomination" written in red paint.
We were at a convenience store, Mr. J was wearing the aforementioned shirt. As we came out of the store, for no reason at all, Mr. J said: "I think this should be my 'church shirt'."
To which I replied: "And that's why we don't go to church."


Mr. J: It must suck for you.
spidey: Hm?
Mr. J: Having to sleep next to an anaconda every night.


Mr. J: I'm Japanese.
spidey: Really?
Mr. J: Yep. My dad slept with a lady when he was in the war. Then he came back and had me.


Mr. J: I'm feeling trippy! [Ed. note: from having no sleep]
spidey: Maybe you should lie down.
Mr. J: I am lying down! I'm lying down like a clown, brown!


Mr. J: I think I'm going to change my name to Jack Off.
spidey: Why?
Mr. J: Because then my name would be a verb!
spidey: But why "Jack Off"?
Mr. J: Because I think "Fuck" would be inappropriate.


Mr. J: There's one piece of pizza left. What should I do with it?
spidey: Put it in the fridge.
Mr. J: What if I don't want to?


Mr. J: [said slowly, obviously having trouble expressing himself] My tied . . . shoed . . . unready.
spidey: Are you trying to tell me your shoe is untied?
Mr. J: Uh-huh.


Mr. J: I'm the king of the world!
spidey: King of the world? You're lucky if you're the king of your own pants! [Okay, that's sort of a Mrs. J-ism.]


Mr. J: HA-HA (fake laugh)
spidey: Are you being condescending?
Mr. J: conde-whating?
spidey: Oh, that's right. You can't be condescending. You don't know what the word means.
Mr. J: Condom setting?

Mr. J: Do you know what I like more than jello?
spidey: hm?
Mr. J: Yellow!


And lastly, a conversation between Mr. J and himself:

Mr. J: I'm silent Bill
Mr. J: Then shut up!


Mr. J: Sing "C is for cookie." It will make you feel better.
spidey: <silence>
Mr. J: <singing> C is for cookie and that's good enough for me.
spidey: <silence>
Mr. J: Hey! You're not singing!
spidey: <silence>
Mr. J: Ohhhhhhhh, Cookie, cookie, cookie starts with C!


spidey: I can't believe I went outside 3 times today. (freezing weather)
Mr. J: Why did you go out the first time?
spidey: To get the mail.
Mr. J: I got all the male for you right here! <grabs himself>


A conversation between Mr. J and the fiance of my sister, poisonivy :

Mr. J calls the fiance on Christmas Eve:

fiance: Hello?
Mr. J: Are you worshipping Jesus?
fiance: um...no...
Mr. J: Is poisonivy worshipping Jesus?
fiance: ....no
Mr. J: Well, tell her to worship Jesus, Goddammit!

Mr. J: I don't want to join a fraternity!
spidey: huh?
Mr. J: I said that to the bottle of Pledge.

spidey: I've never heard that before!
Mr. J: That's cause I never said it before . . . That was a total Groucho Marx moment.

The Lint Brush Series

Could we bring the lint brush to bed with us?

You didn't say Merry Christmas for me and the lint brush. I'm okay, but the lint brush is pretty pissed!

Ah, sorry, buddy . . . I just apologized to the lint brush.

A conversation:

spidey: We're lonely.
Mr. J: Hey, you've got me and the lint brush!
spidey: Yeah, you've got the lint brush. What do I have?
Mr. J: You have the computer! All I have is a fuckin' lint brush!

(Christmas morning) Merry Christmas, lint brush.

Mr. J:I'm gonna sing to the lint brush.
spidey: That's #6! (in the lint brush series)
Mr. J: Well, I love the lint brush.

The Cabbage-head Series

(all of these were said by Mr. J while wearing a cabbage leaf on his head!)
I was injured at work today. Now I'm a cabbage head. It's a full-blown vegetable catastrophe!

Frank Sinatra cabbage-head.

I'm a hard-core cabbage-head!

I'm a cabbage satellite dish!