First script I have even attempted, hope it turned out well. |
Fade In Int. apartment - morning JOHN (Checks his e-mail) Subject line reads "Get any girl you want guaranteed". Hmmmmm Int. office - morning JOHN (walks into the office) ROB (working on a computer) Hey John. Where've you been JOHN I couldn't find my keys so I had to take the bus ROB (gives John his keys) Oh, here.You remember how much trouble I went through last time to open that Anti-Virus software box, so I brought your keys with me to open it. John (looks at Rob dumbfounded, then hits him) ROB Owwww JOHN Did you at least remove the virus' from my computer ROB (points to the computer screen) Yeah, it says right here that one of the sites you went to had a virus JOHN Sites? Let me see As John tries to look at the screen Rob covers it with his chest, until John pushes him to the floor. JOHN Amazons-in-thongs.com! Is this old Larry's work he asks while looking at Rob. ROB As big as this place is, you would think it would take him a long time to clean, but not old Larry. I guess the anticipation of seeing GUILT-FREE PEEKS at HOT, SWEATY..... JOHN Alright cut it out, old Larry ROB How did you know? JOHN Do you think that fake mustache that you put on would fool me, I live with you. I'm surprised no-onelse noticed. I mean, you don't even disguise your voice. ROB Well don't tell anyone. I need the job to pay for my car JOHN I won't. Hey I got an e-mail from da love... ROB doctor JOHN Yeah, how did you know ROB I signed you up. Ohh, I forgot to tell you, my e-mail had too much crap in it so I sent it to yours JOHN (he begins to work) Under normal circumstances I would hit you, but he gave me an interesting technique for picking up the ladies ROB Well? JOHN Well what? ROB What was it? JOHN Nothing ROB (grabs onto John's shirt) Nothing! What do you mean nothing. My love life is what you could call nothing, but this, no, it must be a breakthrough, a secret weapon, the answer to my prayers. John what is it? You gotta tell me, WHAT IS IT? JOHN (pushes Rob off him) Okay. Well in a nutshell, it said in order to get women, you must be rude to them, make them feel like there's no way you would be interested in them, then they'll become interested in you ROB Wait a minute, wait a minute Rob picks up a marker and writes on the board:Uninterested + interested = Uninterested + interested ROB (mumbles) The 2 Uninterested's cancel out Genius,....... Yes GENIUS! JOHN (disbelief) What? ROB We have to try this tonight, in the hardest venue JOHN & ROB Club boom boom ROB Only thing is Larry will have to leave work early and finish it off in the morning ROB walks off mumbling to himself John "There is something really wrong with him" Int. Club Boom Boom - evening John is dressed normally, but Rob has dressed in a 70's get up, with the hairs on his chest showing. They both stand by the bar, and scope out the women. ROB There is a lot of beauty in here tonight One girl walks past ROB Wooow. Did you see how beautiful she is. I'm gonna go try her Another girl walks past ROB Oh gosh. Did you see her legs. I'm gonna try her Another girl walks past ROB Did you see her... ROB (makes the shape of an ass with his hands) JOHN (smiling) What? Rob turns around and points to his ass, and John pushes him away. ROB How is this going to work John? I'm leaving John pulls Rob back to his chair JOHN Whats wrong? ROB These girls are way out of our leagues.... Another girl walks past ROB (looking at the girl) Way, way out of our leagues ROB We are not exactly the cream of the crop. We are like the little bat boys. These type of women they don't date bat boys, they date all-stars John, all-stars! John throws a drink in Robs face. JOHN Snap out of it man. You're showing weakness. If you're not ready, sit back and have a drink ROB Well technically you just gave me a ... JOHN Shhhh. Just get another drink, while I go first. Then if it works, you try ROB Ok Rob sits down and drinks while John begins to walk over to a girl. JOHN (thinking) Is this really gonna work, well I'm about to find out JOHN Excuse me miss. I come here often and have seen a lot of women in my time.... JOHN (pauses for a second) But just looking at you is disturbing me. You would think that any women brought up properly would be able to adequately present themselves in public. Maybe you're not a woman! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go in the bathroom and throw up, because just knowing that I'm in the same room as you repulses me. Hopefully when I'm finished you'll be gone John then goes into the restroom. While peeing,as another guy pees beside him, he looks down JOHN (he says out loud, as he bangs his head against the wall) I don't think it worked. I'm stupid! The guy next to him sees this and says RESTROOM GUY You're not stupid alright. You just have to hold it at the right angle, here let me help you RESTROOM GUY (reaches toward John's zipper area) JOHN What? He pushes the guy's hands away, quickly washes his hands and leaves the restroom and is surprised to see the girl waiting for him HOTGIRL I guess you can't fool everybody JOHN Hmmm he replies, surprised she is even talking to him HOTGIRL I'm stupid, it's obvious, I knew I should've got that operation JOHN No, no forget..... what? HOTGIRL Look I don't know you, and you seem honest. How about if you came back to my place, I try on some different looks, and you tell me which ones work? JOHN Huh....okay. Whats your name? HOTGIRL Chrisie. And yours? JOHN John Chrisie Okay John. Lets go She grabs his arm, and leads him out of the club. As they walk by Rob, Rob spits out his drink in amazement, and John winks at him. Int. Chrisie's apartment - late evening John is on the couch waiting for her to finish changing, so he can tell her how she looks. Chrisie How about this look She comes out with her face full of make-up, she looks like a clown, but doesn't seem to realize as she does her best model walk. JOHN Hmmm. I think you should go for a more natural look Chrisie Natural. Ohhh I see what you mean She then goes back to changing in the other room, but they continue to talk while she changes. JOHN (looks at her various signed sports items) So I see you have a lot of sports memorabilia Chrisie Yeah, I love sports, but my passion is basketball JOHN Really. Can you play? Chrisie Not as much now, but I used be able to do it all. Steal, Rebound, Shoot, Block, Dunk JOHN Dunk! The girl returns revealing she is actually a man. He has returned in lingerie. JOHN (disbelief) Who are you? Chrisie (grabs JOHN's hand) Stop being silly, this is the natural look you wanted JOHN (drops his hand, and pushes him away) What.... wait a minute JOHN So you are the hot girl, errr guy, I mean not hot guy. It can't be you cause that girl had an ass Chrisie (rubs his ass on JOHN's leg) Yeah look. Heres the ass right here JOHN (runs to the door) Ahhhhhh Chrisie You knew I was a guy, thats why you said all those things. You were just mad that I was hiding my real self. Thats why you asked for the natural look JOHN Yeah, well after further inspection, you need to keep this version of yourself covered up. In fact bury it John says, then closes the door. After a few seconds, John opens the door. JOHN Just for the record can you turn yourself into that hot girl anytime? Chrisie Yeah JOHN takes off his shirt "okay, lets go" John says leading Chrisie by hand into his bedroom. Int. apartment - late night (almost morning) John walks into the apartment and the lights are off, so he tries to sneak into the apartment unnoticed, when all of a sudden the lights turn on to reveal Rob standing there with bandages around his head and sunglasses on. ROB So how did you do it? JOHN How did I do what? Rob walks up to him slowly and shouts ROB How did you get that girl! Cause I know you didn't do what DA-LOVE-DOCTOR said, cause I tried, and ended up with this ROB takes off his sunglasses to reveal a black eye JOHN Who did that? ROB The one that walked past, with those legs JOHN What. What happened? ROB I went up to her, and I was real rude, you know, and I made sure I insulted her loud enough that everyone could hear JOHN Why? ROB Well I thought I needed to be even more rude than you to get her even more interested, because I aint exactly a babe magnet, I mean look at me JOHN Yeah, evidently ROB Anyway I guess I was too rude because she punched me JOHN She punched you? ROB Yeah and it knocked me out." JOHN Wow ROB Yeah. And I'm pretty sure it wasn't just her though. JOHN How do you know? ROB I woke up about an hour ago in an alley, with enough shoes up my ass, I could've opened a shoe store. I'm not going to get any action in this city again. JOHN Well you must've done it wrong, because I hit a home run ROB Are you...., gonna stay with her, cause now that you have that technique you don't need her. Maybe I could.... JOHN You're in luck, cause I wasn't planning on calling her. In fact I told her about you and she said she wanted to meet you ROB Why, I knew something was wrong with her JOHN No, it's just.... ROB Just what? What? Cause I don't care, you know I don't care. I have low standards, what? Is she really bald? Does she have a fake leg? Is she related to Hitler? She doesn't shave ? JOHN She shaves alright. It's just that she......... wore boxers ROB Boxers? JOHN (hands ROB the number) Yeah I make it a rule not to date girls that wear.... boxers. Theres only enough room for one boxer wearer in my bed ROB (he grabs the number) Your loss JOHN Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the shower for the next two hours. We still have bleach right? ROB Yeah in the bottom cabinet. I have to go finish Old Larry's work anyway. Night Int. Office - early morning Rob has his Ol' Larry costume on ( a old mustache, and blue janitor uniform), but still has on the bandages, and sunglasses. He is sweeping up the place, when his eyes lock on to John's computer. He tries to ignore it, but can't resist, drops the broom, removes his mustache, and goes on the interent. He goes to a website called Websex.com, and sets up a webcam. A lady in lingerie comes up onto the screen. ROB Hi INTERNET LADY Hi. Are you ready to ...... wait a minute, aren't you that idiot from the club. You should be locked up She says as she exits the site. ROB Damn, damn, damn! This is going to haunt me for the rest of my life!" he says as he goes back to sweeping, and begins to cry. Fade Out |