Oh God (Chapters 1-6)

Oh God!
A Stephanie Richter Original




Prologue
“Holy Shit Batman!” Ally said looking up at him with wondrous blue eyes. “Is that really what happened?”
“Yes.” Batman said, with a slight sigh.
“Really really?”
“Yes.”
“Really really really?”
“Yes.”
“Really really really rea-“
“YES! Now please untie me!” Batman said, struggling against the ropes binding him to the chair.
“Tell me another story Batman.” Ally said smiling innocently and rocking back and forth on the floor with her legs hugged tight to her chest. When Batman had come to save her, she had hit him over the head with a frying pan and tied him to a chair. Look where you could end up when you help people.
Ally was a young girl, 13 going on 14. She was tall and strongly built, with blondish brown hair, pale skin and eyes bluer than the sky itself. She wasn’t weird at all; you’re the weird one.
Ally led a pretty sheltered life. This wasn’t because of the weirdness, or even because other kids didn’t like her. She flat out refused to associate herself with ‘muggles’. She also left her mom to live with her aunt and uncle whom she referred to as “Uncle Vernon” and “Aunt Petunia”. She also insisted on living under the stairs. She figured if she made her aunt and uncle look really mean that someone would whisk her away to Hogwarts and make her into a witch. She hadn’t found that she possessed any magical powers, but come on; no one that good looking could possibly be normal ;)

Ally’s 14th birthday drew closer every day. Finally, on the 12 of November she turned the big 1-4.
Her aunt and uncle threw her a party, but Ally insisted on sitting in a dark corner saying that her cousin “Dudley” would steal all her presents anyways. Little kids ran around tugging on canary yellow and robin egg blue streamers, playing games of badminton and croquet, and stealing candy and cookies while their parents weren’t watching. Ally walked around with Batman still tied to the chair, but being pulled in her little yellow wagon, introducing him to all her relatives, but still keeping her sad face on.
“Hey kid, I really got to pee.” Batman whispered, face twisted up in pain.
“Can’t you untie me for one minute?”
“No deal buck-o.” Ally said with her little hillbilly grin. “You tried breaking into my house, you shall pay the price. MUAHAHAHA!” she said, giggling in an insanely high pitch voice.
“I’ll take you to the Bat Cave.” Batman tempted her.
“Really?” Ally said, her blue eyes growing to the size of saucer plates.
“Yes.” Batman said.
“Really really?”
“Look kid, don’t start that shit with me agai-“
“Really really really?”
“YES! NOW LET MY USE THE FREAKING BATHROOM!”
“Geez-“
“Cake time!” Ally’s aunt called out, exiting the house with a three layer chocolate cake. It had snow white frosting, and little miniature Batman Figures around each layer, causing the real Batman to blush. Her aunt lit the 14 candles.
“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR ALLY, happy birthday to you!“
Ally blew out the candles and made her wish, her wish of going to Hogwarts.
Then there was total chaos. Ally heard a window brake, the little children had started crying, and there were shrieks of alarm coming from the adults. Ally had no clue what was going on till she saw a large black silhouette against the night sky.
“OH MEH GAWD! IT’S HAGRID! IT’S HAGRID!” she yelled out. The darkened figure walked over to her, tripping and stumbling over the abandoned toys.
“You idiotic little girl.” It said in a low gruff voice. “My name is not Hagrid.”
Tears leaked out of the corners of Ally’s eyes.
“You mean…you’re not taking me away…to Hogwarts?” She asked in a tiny sniveling voice.
“Hogwarts isn’t real.” The giant-sized man said.
“Is too.” Ally said shaking her head up and down vigorously.
“Is not.”
“Is too.”
“Is not.”
“IS TOO! I CAN’T HEAR YOU! BLAH BLAH BLAH!” Ally yelled at the top of her lungs covering her ears and still shaking her head.
“THAT’S ENOUGH!” the man bellowed, and Ally stopped.
“If Hogwarts isn’t real, then your not part giant…geez, you need to lose some weight.” Ally added under her breath.
“My name is Mr. Rubecca and I’m hear to keep you away from the forces of evil.” He said straightening out his tie.
“Will I be like Batman?” she asked, looking over to her companion who had fallen out of the wagon and lay on the patio, still tied to the chair.
“No.” he said.
“I am taking you away, because some day you will save the world from evil.” Mr. Rubecca told her. “As it has been told by the prophet of Broccoli.”
“Broccoli?” she said twisting her face up in disgust. “No one likes Broccoli.”
“Yeah, I agree with her.” Came the muffled sound of Batman’s voice.
“Both of you just shut up and please make my life a little easier,” hissed Mr. Rubecca.
“Now, little girl, will you please come with me?” the man said, massaging his temples.
“Why?” Ally said eyeing him suspiciously. “How do I know you aren’t teamed up with the forces of evil?”
“I’ll give you cookies.”
“COOKIES! Why didn’t you say so!” Ally said running over to Batman. Batman beamed with joy.
“I knew you’d come to you senses and untie m-“ Ally had untied him, but only partially. She now led him on the rope, his hands still bound.
“C’mon Bat boy! Time to save the world! TO THE BAT CAVE!” she bellowed.
“Ugh this is going to be one long day.” Mr. Rubecca said to himself as he followed the little girl dragging batman to his car.


“The wheels on the bus go ‘round and ‘round, ‘round and ‘round, ‘round and ‘round, the wheels on the bus go ‘round and ‘round, all through the town.” Ally belted out from the back seat of the car.
“What’d you say about her saving the world?” Batman asked Mr. Rubecca from the front seat.
“I don’t know, it’s just some prophecy, and I was ordered to come retrieve her.” He responded. “Can’t possibly see why anyone would want that little brat.”
“How can she possibly save the whole world? Who would leave the whole world in her hands?” Batman asked, highly puzzled.
“I don’t know, the prophet said tha-“
“THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO-“
“SHUT UP!” Mr. Rubecca and Batman screamed at the child in the back seat.
“Is it that time of the month?” Ally asked with honest innocence.
“Ugh.” Mr. Rubecca said hitting his head against the dashboard. “Why me, why me, why me.”
“Hey, you told me I’d get cookies!” Ally said, putting her hands on her hips.
“I will.” responded Mr. Rubecca.
“When will I get these co called ‘cookies’, Mr. R”
“When we reach the Bat Cave, and my name isn’t Mr. R, it’s Mr. Rubecca.” He said, face turning red with increasing anger.
“We’re going to the Bat Cave?!?!” Ally squealed with excitement. Batman turned to him, his face the perfect portrait of horror.
“Please, no! No! I’ve worked so long on the Bat Cave don’t take her there!” Batman said in near hysteria, tears forming in his eyes. “She’ll destroy it, she’ll-“
“Relax, I’m not taking her there, stupid.” He hissed at him.
“Going to the Bat Cave, going to the bat cave…” Ally sung as they made their way to the Secret Underground Good Guy Federation HQ.

“Whoa, this place is HUGE!” Ally said running into the main control room.
“Don’t touch anything, I’m going to talk to Batman in private.” Mr. Rubecca said, gazing wearily at the girl.
“Can I talk too? Pleeeeeease?” Ally said jumping up and down.
“Shouldn’t have given her those damn cookies.” Batman said, growling.
“No Ally, this is boring adult conversation. Now remember, don’t touch anything.” He said, leading Batman away by the rope.
“Boring,” Ally said, her face twisted up in disgust. “Eww…”

After they situated themselves and had a plate of Oreos and milk, Batman and Mr. Rubecca got to business.
“Okay, so tell me more about this prophecy.” Batman said, leaning back into the leather seat of the chair.
“The Broccoli Prophecy.” Mr. Rubecca said. “It was told by someone in a mental hospital.”
“Which is exactly why you listened, right?” Batman asked, smirking. “It’s something a mental patient said, why the hell would you listen to some psycho?”
“Well he was preceded by generations of Prophets and Fortune-tellers.” Mr. Rubecca said. “And so far the prophecy has been right, so we have no reason to doubt it.”
“The prophecy was made exactly 14 years ago on this day,” He started. “Sir Knight Broccoli sat in room #666, and proclaimed to the video camera that a girl had just born, a girl that would change the world forever. Her name was Alexandria Leigh Page, but she’d go her whole life by the nickname of Ally. Most people would think she was just a weird, annoying child, but there was more to her than what met the eye. During the Great War, one that would go unnoticed and unrecorded in history, a war with real magic, gods and goddesses, immortals and much more than humans knew about. Whichever side Ally joined would be victorious. The outcome of this war would determine if our world would go on existing, or have it’s walls fall don on our heads.”

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!” came a loud shriek from the main control room.
“I was just pressing the red butto-“
“What’s wrong?” Mr. Rubecca asked, dashing out of the room with Batman hot on his heels.
“That, that thing,” a nerdy looking man said while pointing at Ally, who was spinning on a swivel chair. “It pressed the nuclear bomb button, we just blew up Australia!” he added, a look of complete and utter disbelief on his face.”
“I only pressed the red button!” Ally argued, giving icy glares at the man.
“You mean this little girl has the fate of the world in her hands?” Batman asked gaping.
Mr. Rubecca nodded gravely.
“Oh God.” Batman said, hiding his face in his hands. “Oh God.”


Chapter 1: Popcorn doesn’t hurt anyone
“What day is it?” asked Ally, her voice muffled coming from the trunk of the car.
“Tuesday, November 3.” Mr. Rubecca answered.
“Great, only 27 days left.” Ally grumbled, voice inaudible to Batman and Mr. Rubecca in the front seat.
They had been driving most of the day once again. They needed to bring Ally somewhere where no one would find her, somewhere where they could live in secrecy…and somewhere Ally would cause any more destruction.
Ally gazed out of the keyhole in the trunk to get a better view of where they were. From the tiny hole in the car, she saw a strange place she had never been to before. The drove upon a worn dirt path, that once could’ve been a road. There were no living plants what so ever, only weird dead shrubs and even the cacti were dried up. The sun was directly above them in the cloudless blue sky, sucking out every bit of moisture that this desert place had.
“So, where are we going?” Ally asked, lying back down.
“A place where you can’t get hurt.” Mr. Rubecca said.
“You mean a place where she can’t hurt others.” Batman said snippily, taking out his crossword puzzle. Ally glared daggers at him, despite the fact he couldn’t see her. Determined to make Batman feel bad for what he said about her, Ally lay sprawled in the back of the trunk.
“You guys? I think I might be dead.” Ally whispered in a sad, mournful voice.
“Thank God for small favors.” Muttered Batman, peering down his glasses, trying to think of a word that rhymed with Rally, had four letters, and was going to save the world.
Ally mumbled something about ungrateful super heroes, how they always had to have the limelight.
They had driven several more hours before coming to a final stop. They had finally reached the ‘safe’ house.
“You mean I get to come out of the car?!?!?” Ally asked excitedly, bouncing in the back of the old black Buick 98.
“No, we still aren’t there.” Batman said. “A few more days, hey, it’s might even be a few more weeks before we get-“ he added before Mr. Rubecca elbowed him in the stomach, causing him to keel over on the ground.
“Yes Ally, you can come out.” Mr. Rubecca said, opening the car trunk and allowing the girl to scramble out of the tiny trunk. She noticed Batman was on the floor and shouted out
“OH MEH GAWD! THIS IS SO GREAT! OUR OWN SUMMER HOUSE!” and proceeded to bounce on the injured Batman, then dragged him by the rope into the house.
It’s simple outside was nowhere close to how the inside looked. Everything was so, high-tech. The floors were white and spotless, not even a speck of dust tainted the tiles. The walls were painted a simple metallic grey, with numerous nooks and crannies filled with odd objects. The kitchen had counter of chrome and large silver appliances, some that Ally had never even seen before. It had a cozy looking living room, with an Ice Place (the opposite of a fire place, used for cooling down) and black leather armchairs, and a large plasma screen TV completed with a Game Cube.
Outside the house looked like any ordinary house in the desert regions. It had a pale cream stucco walls, only four windows, small and wooden with dusty glass. There were no flowers, there was no hope in growing any out here, and not even weeds grew. And it was in the middle of nowhere; there was no house around for at least 10 miles. Definitely safe for Ally.
“Okay Ally, me and Batman are going into the living room so he can knit.” Mr. Rubecca said, shooting a weird glance at the super hero with knitting needles in his hands. “Be good, we’ll come check on you in an hour.”
“Ay, ay, Captain.” Ally said, acting like a robot and moving mechanically away to the kitchen. She was all alone now, no one to bother and play with. She had a craving for popcorn, and popcorn didn’t cause trouble. Popcorn was a good guy, just like Batman. She unwrapped it, shoved it into the silver metal box and pressed the popcorn button.






Chapter 2: The Popcorn Song
Oh kernel-y balls of butter,
When I bite you how you mutter,
You melt in my mouth,
Out here in the south,
So far away from civility,
We went with agility,
To eat you,
Delicious popcorn.


OOOO Popcorn!
How I loooooove you.
I shall name you all Sueeee,
Oh whoop-deee-doo.
OOOO Popcorn!
How I looooove you,
Through and through,
Just me and you.
OOOO Popcorn! How I doooo loooooooooooooove youuuuuuuuuu


Chapter 3: Concerning Punishment of the Odd Type

KABOOM! Batman and Mr. Rubecca rushed into the kitchen, figuring it had something to do with Ally as usual. Ally sat before the microwave, her hair blown back, standing erect in all sorts of places. Her face was covered in black, the microwave door hanging off its hinges creaking noisily.
“What’d you do Ally?” Mr. Rubecca asked, putting his hands to his temples.
“I was making popcorn.” Ally said. “Duh.”
Mr. Rubecca went over to the microwave and removed the partially blow up popcorn bag.
“Ally, it has a ‘This End Up’ sign for a reason.” He said, trying to keep his cool while Batman watched on in amusement.
“No one actually reads those.” She said in an exasperated tone. “Unless they’re nerds.”
“What was that you were saying about a ‘safe house’?” Batman asked, a smug little smirk on his face.
“I’m not the one who knits.” Mr. Rubecca snapped as Batman left the kitchen. “Ally, why don’t you go play outside? Maybe find a nice snake that has a rattle on it to play with?”
“Okay!” Ally said, running outside in excitement.
As Mr. Rubecca watched Ally run through the rock filled sand, looking for something to do, he banged his head repetitively on the counter, whispering in a barely audible voice
“Oh God.”


Chapter 4:That of Pets and Things of Fuzz

Ally walked through the desert wasteland, wearing a little safari outfit. She wore plain khaki shorts and a white shirt, complete with hat and binoculars around her neck. She hadn’t come across anything except rocks for the last hour. She sat down on a rock and took a swig from her water bottle, draining the whole thing. All she wanted was someone to play with.
She continued her venture through the dessert when she saw a huge blue lake ahead. The cool water in this hot place would feel good about now. She started to run towards the great lake, but no matter how much she ran she never seemed to get closer. She took a short break, thinking maybe the lake was shy, but when she started to run again, the lake continued to run away!
“Damnit! Come back! I want to be your friend!” Ally shouted, panting heavily. But alas, even after trying to befriend the body of water, it still ran away from her. When she was running towards the lake, she tripped over a knapsack. She stood up, brushing off the hot sand, and picked the thing up.
“What are you doing here little buddy?” she asked, cooing and tickling the knapsack. The knapsack giggled.
“Yes you like that don’t you?” Ally asked it, and out popped a ferret, landing beside Ally’s feet.
“Look! You’re a mommy!” Ally told the knapsack, hugging it tightly. “I knew there was something special about you.”
The ferret gave the girl a look of confusion and shook his head. He was small, even for a ferret. He had a honey brown coat with whit spots around his eyes, looking much like glasses.
“I love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest.” He said to Ally, smiling innocently.
“Awww! I have a new friend!” Ally shouted and picked up the ferret, squishing him in a tight hug. “What’s your name?” Ally asked in that baby voice, pinching the ferret’s cheeks.
“Me Puck, you Ally, me Puck.” He said, trying to squirm out of her tight grip. “What’s in a name?”
“Umm…an A, two L’s, and a Y…”said Ally staring at her new pet with a slightly confused look. “I’m going t take you home Puck-y!” she added, running off in the direction she figured was home.


Sadly, Ally did get back to the safe house. She raced into the living room, where Batman had returned to knitting (something pink and oddly shaped) and Mr. Rubecca was doing workouts from a Buns of Steel tape.
“I got a new pet!” Ally chirped happily. Batman and Mr. Rubecca stared at Ally in amazement. They hadn’t expected her back so soon. In fact, they hadn’t expected her to come back at all. Batman’s amazed expression turned into one of shock.
“Ally, what’d you bring?” he asked the young girl, not really wanting an answer.
“I brought a…PUCK!” Ally said, shoving the little ferret in Batman’s face.
”How beauteous mankind is!” Puck shouted. Batman’s jaw dropped. Mr. Rubecca stared at the thing, wondering where she got that thing from, and even more how she got back to the house.
“Oh God.” They both said in unison. Mr. Rubecca fainted to the floor and Batman started to cry.



Chapter 5: WTF? Orange Juice?!?!

Mr. Rubecca came around about a half a hour after Ally came home. Batman was in the kitchen. Mr. Rubecca walked in, rubbing the back of his head where it had hit the floor. What he found had not truly comforted him. Batman was wearing a floral patterned apron, prancing around the room using the soup ladle as a microphone.
“THE BEST THING ABOUT A-BEING A WOMA-“ he belted out-not exactly in a melodic voice-before noticing the gaping Mr. Rubecca at the kitchen door.
“I’m not even going to ask.” He said, walking straight past the frozen Batman to the bar. He poured himself a virgin martini with to olives on a spear. “How’d she get back?” he whispered, still a bit awestruck by the young girl.
“Don’t ask me, I thought she was long gone when you sent her outside.” Batman said, returning to the wonton soup he was preparing. “At least she didn’t stick a giant rat in your face. And since when do those things talk?” he asked, shaking his head. “I’m telling you, that girl is odd. Maybe she’s possessed by the devil? That would explain a lot. Maybe a priest will come out here? Maybe we can-“
“There’s nothing wrong with the girl. She’s exactly how she’s supposed to be.” Mr. Rubecca muttered. “She’s supposed to protect us all from a great evil. There’s supposed to be some great war. She’s the savior, and we have to put up with her.”
“Doesn’t mean we have to like it.” Batman said with a pout.
“That’s the sad part,” Mr. Rubecca told him gravely. “No one said we had to.”

Ally sat in her room with Puck, the magical talking Shakespeare-reciting ferret. Her room was a lot different than the rest of the electronic based house. It was bright vibrant neon green with pink trim. Yum, watermelon. Her room was like Funk Central. She had lava lamps, and even a dolphin shaped lamps that vented off electricity. There was a constant blare of music from behind her doors, usually something she could dance to.
“Puck hungry.” Puck told Ally after she had stopped scratching his pure white belly. “Young ravens must have food.” He told her.
“I thought you were a ferret?” Ally asked him. This pet was less fun then she thought he would be. He made her think, and thinking isn’t good. Especially when you’re Ally.
“Puck hungry.” He repeated, running out of her room and into the kitchen where he jumped onto the counter. He looked around the area, looking for something edible, but only seeing the martini glass. He noticed Batman in the room and grinned maliciously.
“HOW BEAUTIOUS MANKIND IS!” the small ferret shouted at the top of his tiny lungs. He had taken to saying that as loud as he could when the man dressed as a bat was there, for he emitted an amusingly high shriek. This time was no exception.
“You dumb little rat!” Batman hissed, taking the cleaver he was using to chop up meat for the soup and lunging at the small animal.
“NOOO!” Ally screamed, appearing in the doorway. Puck dodged out of the angry hero’s way nimbly, it wasn’t the first time someone had taken a stab at him.
“Puck hungry.” He repeated, nodding his head vigorously.
“See?” Ally said scooping her small friend up. “He’s just hungry. Stop being such a Drama Queen.” Ally walked over to the refrigerator and opened it. “Want some whipped cream?” she asked her companion.
“Puck want orange…juicy orange.” He said, eyebrows knotted together stubbornly. “Give not this rotten orange to your friend” he added.
“What the hell are you talking about?” Ally asked the odd creature, becoming increasingly frustrated every moment.
“I WANT ORANGE JUICE DAMNIT!” Puck creamed at the girl.
“Why didn’t you just say so?” Ally grumbled, pulling the orange juice from the fridge. The two adults just stood there staring at the girl and her companion.
“What’s wrong with you two?” she snapped. They just continued to stare in awe, not saying a word.
“Oh Gawd.” She mumbled and walked away with the carton of orange juice.




Chapter 6: A Caterpillar With Dreams Man!

The tree was huge. Not big, huge. It had rough sepia bark; most of it rotted and hollowed out by bugs that lived in the huge home of the redwood tree. The tree was the tallest in the forest, and had the best view for bugs looking for somewhere to live. Marty the caterpillar had decided to buy a loft in the tree, which proved costly but had an awe-inspiring view.
Mr. Marty Caterpillar promptly crawled over to the tree entrance, a small hole at the base of the giant tree. There were busy bugs everywhere. People ran left and right, caters raced by with carts of food and employees tried to keep it from getting too chaotic. They weren’t doing their job very well. Marty inched his way towards the elevator, nobody in their right mind would climb the tree, and Marty didn’t have any beetles to ride on. When he reached the wooden elevator, an employee stopped him.
“I’m sorry sir, the elevator is broken.” He told him.
“What? When will it be fixed?” Marty asked, getting slightly annoyed.
“Sometime next week I’m afraid.” He told him then walked away.
“Grr, I need to get there today.” Marty said aloud to himself. “I guess I could walk.”
Marty walked back outside and looked up. The redwood tree was 700 feet tall, which was extremely tall for a human. Think of how it would be for a tiny yellow caterpillar. Marty followed the tree all the way with his gaze till he could see it no longer, and yet it was still taller.
“Oh God.” He squeaked and started his climb.