On Coldness

On Coldness

Ice frosts your hair and spreads to your skin as you kneel in the snow. Something is wrong... very wrong. You should not be out here, not now. The world seems to be tied into your body, throbbing with every movement. The snow flies and you can hear voices... voices hating and taunting. That's the way things are now... no one loves, there is no laughter, no music. You are hated for the way you view the world. As a place of agony. Childhood taunts about the way you look, the clothes you wear, the people you love. It all develops into so much more and visions of your hunched form, ripping at your clothes, sobbing from memories, banging your head against the wall in hopes of ending the thoughts... and now you know. What else can you do but play the part?

They sent you to someone once. Someone to talk to. To put you in a box. To be told why you are the way you are. The someone saw your mask and nothing more. Wondered at the reasoning of your captors. And you were let back into the world. Wanting to love. Wanting to know why you could fool only those who could help. Then you found the way out. And took it. Or tried to. But now you feel the snow swirling around your face, your hair caught up in the wind, flying, dying to flee and be free. You hate them all. Pitiful existences... everyone is lost. To feel them cry hurts deep within your soul, echos off you heart, and reverberates throughout the woods. Blank.

Everything stops... the words are gone, the images fade, and you are left all alone to wipe away the tears you didn't know were falling. Every thing is a game now. You mustn’t let them know you know they hate you. You must hide your feelings from the world, don't let them know you care what they think. Because when they find out... you fail. You fail and you have to start over with a new life, in a new place. Rush through what you can once you fail or you must live with the knowledge that they can hurt you. And they will hurt you.

Power over anyone is corrupting. You let people know your secrets and they'll tell them just so they can bring you down. Let people into you heart and they'll break it as fast as they can. Apathy. It's an avoidance measure that works as long as you can survive on your own. You don't need people. People cause pain. You always have to be aware of the danger of that. You can survive with thought of not caring. You've done it before and you can do it again. But eventually people chip away at your walls of ice and once you risk the trust to these caring people you fail and you fall.

Unfortunately you can't bring yourself to not care, to not worry for those people who hurt you with their every thought. Wind blows through the field and a gust of snow wraps itself around your bare arms. You begin to shiver. Nutrients are lacking... spilling from your fingertips to the greedy earth. Looking around you can feel eyes watching every move your body makes. As you fall you see a person standing in the distance. You see the person smile. Frown. Turn and walk away from you. No one is left to help you but yourself. And now comes the apathy you could not get. Curl up, you cry... your tears run with life. And then you can sleep.