The Supposed 20 something Disease

It is when you start realizing that there are so many things about yourself that you didn't know and maybe aren't the fondest of. You wake up and start feeling a little out of sorts and wonder where you will be in the next five years, but then get even more scared because you realize you barely know where you are now-literally- b/c you know damn well that isn't your arm wrapped around you- and it prolly didn't help that you decided to have that 11th shot of tequila last night....and now all you can think about is how badly you need to pee- and don't you have to be at work in like 10 minutes? The truth is you prolly don't have anymore than 5 seconds to think about the next five years- your too busy living the now and trying not to fuck that up.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. There are few people in this life time that you meet that you can form a real connection with and as you get older and you become less judgmental and more understanding- and make more mistakes yourself- the more you begin to realize that in your past you prolly cut people out of your life that you had a legitimate bond with- for reasons that were more based on your own sense of pride and lack of life experience- and an un-willingness to forgive- and now you find yourself missing the way that those people really knew you and had an unsaid understanding of who you were- and the uncanny ability to always know what to say and when to say it.

Your harsh views soften a bit- you see what others are doing and find yourself judging less because suddenly you realize that you don't have all the answers and you don't have it all figured out like you used to think you did- b/c one minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You can laugh and be having a great time one minute and be sad and feel all weird the next- both with a force that seems uncontrollable and you have no idea exactly why. You feel really amazing sometimes...almost invincible- like your really grabbing life by the balls and making the most of everything that is coming your way- but you also feel scared and trapped sometimes- like your life is passing you by and all you can do is sit there and watch- but mostly your just confused- but would never admit it. You then discover that all the worrying you do isn't worth it b/c change is inevitable and that most things will only stay the same right up until the point that they become comfortable and when they become too comfortable-thats when they will change- so you learn to stop sweating the small stuff and begin to embrace the present- for as long as you have it and life begins to run much more smoothly that way.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do so much damage to you- and how another person can seem to have more power over you than you do.... Or you lie in bed and wonder why it is that sometimes you just want to find someone to love and to be loved, truly and deeply and forever- and sometimes you just want to have a good time get drunk as hell and have sex all night long- no strings attached... or maybe you have no clue about what you want or what your doing and it all comes off like your a real piece of work- and you don't know why you do this to yourself, because you know your not the bad person that others may sometimes see you as- or as you may sometimes see yourself as- but in the end it just seems easier to say, "Yeah, I'm a bitch/asshole, so what? than have to admit or apologize for not having a clue what your doing.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, until every conversation you have has a dejavu quality to it- you talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision- you NEVER can make a decision. You stress about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself...and then most of the time you just say, "screw it, it'll work itself out


What you may not realize is that everyone reading this can relate to it- because that is what life is- merely a series of events pulling us in all different directions and the world trying to tell us that we have to live our life one way with one set of rules and we have to adhere to them for the rest of forever AMEN, and never question them. That allowing contradictions within ourselves makes us weak, makes us irresponsible, makes us unreliable, makes us less of a person and somehow makes us incomplete.

But I think we all know this is bullshit- and the truth is that allowing ourselves to experience all aspects of our lives the good, the bad, the fun, the emotional, the x-rated- makes us something that is a hell of a lot more important than being responsible, reliable, and complete. It makes us REAL.

AND ITS ALL ABOUT KEEPIN IT REAL BABY!