She Dreams of a Life

It was Lazaro’s eighth birthday, and Sonia promised him she would try to stop doing drugs for the seventh time. For two days she tried, but the desire was too strong, the anxiousness too overwhelming. She couldn't handle it. She was too sick, and desperate to not do it. She knew she made a promise to her son, but he would have other birthdays, and she would have other chances to make it up to him.

         "Hey!" He startled her. "Where are you going?" He asked, standing in the doorway to the bathroom with a stern look on his face. He had the wisdom of an eighty year old man. She looked at him trying to disguise her guilty eyes. He looked just like his father. He had green eyes and short black hair. He was almost as tall as she was, his skin was naturally tanned.

She sat on the bathroom floor, pulling her boots on, struggling with the laces. She stood up and looked in the mirror. She placed her hands on the sink and took a really deep look into her own eyes, and wondered what would become of herself. Just this one time, she thought. Just this one time, and I really promise never again.

*************************************************

         "I'll be back in a couple of minutes, okay?" She tried to kiss his forehead, but he pushed her hand away, and gave her a dirty look.

         "Look just lock the door and don't let anyone in. Make sure your sister gets her bottle. It's only a couple of minutes." She stood in the hallway and waited for a response. He slammed the door in her face. It’s only for a couple of minutes, I swear. It’s going to be okay. “I’ll get you something nice.” She shouted through the shot door. Lazaro slammed another door inside the apartment to show his discontent.

She went around the corner to where Bless, her drug dealer was. She was so desperate for a fix she forgot she owed him a lot of money.

         “You best get outta here.” He saw her coming towards him with that look. “Don’t even think about it! I swear Sonia, don’t! Do you have any idea how much you owe me? I feel bad for your kids and all, but this ain’t right.”

         “Oh, c’mon Bless, I need it, I’m begging you, man. It’s my kids’ birthday, man. Please! I need to get right. I can't be sick like this” She was on her knees, crying and begging for a fix. He pushed her face away, and pulled out his gun.

         “You’re blowing my spot.”

She got up and tuned away, flicking him off as she left. She went to the nearest corner where she could turn a couple of tricks, and go score. She saw a green Oldsmobile pull up, and jumped in quickly.

         “Hey, man. What do you want?” She leaned into the car. It wasn’t clean and he was smelly. Her screening for an undercover cop was over. Her eyes darted from one place to the other. She was in a hurry and wanted this over and done with.

         “I want a friend.” His voice was calm, and cool.

         “Okay. I charge $25.00 for a friend. $40.00 for a friend who gives head and, $50 for a friend who.....”

         “Hey, lady” the stranger interrupted, "I just want some company, you know? Just talk. I thought you girls like to talk.” He gave a faint laugh. His brown eyes glimmered in the afternoon sun.

         “Look I have to do this quick, I have to go.”

         “You’re in a hurry? Okay, let’s go.” He had a mischievous look on his face. He took her to an abandoned building two blocks away. They got out of the car and went up to the last floor, where he beat, and raped her. When he was done he threw her body in the dumpster outside the building. He left her for dead and took her purse.

*************************************************

The hospital room was covered in a heavenly blue wallpaper. It was supposed to create a calming effect in the room, and promote healing through good moods. Doctor Mile Jules was a psychologist for the New York police department. He was a large man whose presence commanded attention. His white hair and blue eyes gave his face a soft, almost angelic look. His voice was deep and strong, but inviting when needed. He sat down in a chair next to her bed. He had already been briefed on her situation, and reviewed the police report on his lap for a second time.

         "Jane Doe. Female Hispanic, estimated age of 30. Found naked and unconscious in a dumpster by a homeless woman, on the west side of the city. Her clothes were torn off. Her face and body had multiple lacerations. Suspect is a tall, white, male perpetrator, in early forties. As so described by Anne Jacobson, homeless woman who scared off attacker. Cuts and bruises on victim show signs of attempted torture......”

She had an aloof look on her face, and did not react to his presence in the room. Her thick straight black hair was messy, her high and prominent cheek bones gave her face an exotic look, and in her light brown eyes he could see that somewhere in there she was lost. He set his writing pad and pen on his lap. He cleared his throat, and introduced himself.

         “Good morning. How you doing?”

         “I’m okay, how about you?”

         “Good. So, how are you feeling today?”

         “Didn’t you just ask me that?”

         “No, it’s different. I’m Doctor Jules. I am a psychologist from the police department. I heard you were finally awake, and so I decided to come see you.” He tapped his foot rapidly. This was an unconscious habit he had whenever he was in a stressful situation.

         “Okay. I’m all right.” Her voice was raspy, and groggy. She would give him the benefit of the doubt for now and go along with this.

         “I am one of the investigating officers in your case....”

“I though you said you were a Doctor?”

“I am actually an FBI agent, and I am also a psychologist, I work with and for the department. I am usually sent where I am needed.”

“Why do you think I need you?” She thought this was just another one of her John deals gone bad.

“Well that’s why I am here, am I not? Now I know you’ve had a hard time recently. Do you know exactly what happened to you?”

“I guess. Same old, same old, right? Look I can’t possibly be in trouble with the FBI over this. It’s not that big of a deal. I ain’t never heard of the FBI involved in this....”

“You’re right. I am not here because of your drugs or your Johns. Do you know how you got here?” She shook her head. “Okay then. I am investigating a series of murders and rapes. You were found in a dumpster. You were unconscious and the woman who found you yelled out to your attacker. She threatened with calling the police, so her ran off. We believe because her screaming was attracting a crowd.” He paused to see if she understood, and automatically felt violated by this man she didn’t even remember.

“I do have some questions for you. I want you to think hard about this, okay? I need you to be honest with me. This is going to be difficult but I need you to stay here with me, and tell me what you know. Got it?” He leaned in closer to her.

She took a deep breath “Yes, okay, I’m ready”, she said in a sarcastic tone.

         “Sonia, do you have children? Do you know where they are?” Panic and confusion overcame her. She had no idea where her children were. The last thing she remembered was getting ready to leave her house and go get drugs.

         “I don’t know where they are. They have to be home.” Her voice was barely a whisper.

         "You were admitted here in the hospital as a Jane Doe. I don't know if you know that?"

She shook her head.

         "Okay.” He cleared his throat, this was always hard no matter how many times he had done it before. “In addition to using your license we entered your fingerprints in AFIS. This is how we identified you.” She had been arrested for prostitution several times. He paused a moment to make sure she was listening. “There was a man caught several days ago who fit the description of the man who assaulted you and other women in the area. We found your purse in his car. Because of this we went to your home to see if there was any family there for you"

         "When we went to your apartment and there was no one there. I want you to know that your apartment is now a crime scene. There was blood everywhere, and it didn’t match yours. So unless you can tell me where your children are, we may need for you to identify two bodies we found this morning. I'm sorry."

         Sonia’s eyes felt heavy. She stopped breathing. Her eyes welled up with tears, so many tears she felt like she was drowning inside. She felt like her soul had been drained from her body, she was moving in slow motion. Her stomach was tied in a knot, and her mouth was dry. Her head was spinning. Her feet felt heavy. She got up from her bed and ran to the bathroom. She had to throw up. She had to take away the feeling of disgust that was stuck to her chest. She ran through the door, and into the bathroom. She threw herself on the floor in front of her toilet.

Her mistakes, her weakness, her fault. She was breaking inside, and outside.

*************************************************

She slid down to floor with her back leaning against the cold wall, her head was pounding, and her body was aching. She held her head in her hands. She let a cry out that held the voice of the pain in her soul.

Her son, who was still standing in the doorway asked her, "Are you okay?" She was brought back to reality. “Where are you going, mom?”

         “Give me minute." Her stomach was turned, and she couldn’t breathe. Hot, burning tears streamed down her face.

         “Why did you put your boots on?” He was getting impatient, and frustrated with negative anticipation.

         “I'm not going anywhere. Can you go get Mrs. Roman?”

         “She said she wasn’t going to watch us anymore.” He leaned against the bathroom door, with a serious look in his face.

         “Just tell her that I’m sick, and I need a favor from her.”

Mrs. Roman, the older woman who lived next door came rushing through the door within minutes.

         “What’s wrong with you?” Mrs. Roman asked, with her hand already feeling Sonia’s forehead. She was a woman who’s strength and determination would be underestimated by her small and delicate figure. She had raised eight children of her own, and four from her sisters.

         “Can you do me a big favor?” Sonia had her head between her hands, she looked at her tile floor. The dots in the floor were dancing in her eyes. She felt another bout of nausea coming on.

         “It depends.” Mrs. Roman gave Sonia a distrustful look. “I’m not letting you leave the kids in my house for another week. This has happened too many times, Sonia.” She said in a stern voice, even thought if Sonia left she would be the first one there to take care of the kids. She was bluffing and she knew it, but Sonia didn’t know. Mrs. Roman checked on them every morning and every evening. Because of her, the children were always safe.

         “I’m sick. It’s Lazaro’s birthday. I don’t have any money for his cake, and I don’t have anything to eat. Can you help me? I know I’ve asked a hundred times before, but I don’t want to, I mean, I don’t know..............” She held Mrs. Roman’s hand, and took a deep breath to try to control her shaking body.

         “Oh my God! Look at your eyes. It looks like you haven’t slept in years. You know you’re doing the right thing. You should have called me earlier. It’s okay.” Mrs. Roman embraced her.

Sonia nodded, and Mrs. Roman held her as she cried.

         “I am going to the store to get you some stuff. Be strong, be brave, don’t be afraid.”

Before she left she filled the tub with hot water, and mint bath bubbles. “I will be right back.” She left the room with a smile on her face.

Her son walked over, sat next to her, and held her hand.

“Im sorry.”

“It’s okay mom.”

“I love you baby.”

“I love you mom.”