Dysfunction of Another Sort

Dysfunction of Another Sort, or Why Relationships Don't Need Viagra to be Viable

Cialis, Viagra, Levitra, Enzyte--they all purport to aid men who have erectile dysfunction.

My question is why?

I suppose some men who suffer from impotence feel like less of a man if their hardware doesn't function the way it is supposed to. However, what about other ways to please their partners?

What annoys me is the women in these commercials. The women all have stupid grins painted on their faces, as if these drugs are miracles. The women should have grins because their partners know other ways of making love to them.

I don't get it--probably because I'm not a man and I won't ever know the pain and embarrassment of being unable to perform. My point is that as long as a couple has a good, communicative relationship, whatever difficulties that may occur can be forgotten. Even women have problems.

A few days ago, I saw an episode of "Oprah" in which this couple went to "sex camp," a two-day retreat at a fancy spa. The female complained that she faked orgasm 98% of the time. I would think that would make the male feel even worse than if she just said, "it's not happening for me, honey." Some of the things they learned at the spa included communicating and putting a lock on their bedroom door. They basically had a chance to reconnect with each other and to fall in love all over again.

It is hard to feel amorous when you have small children demanding your attention. It is hard to feel amorous when all the day's worries won't be shut out of your mind. It is hard to feel amorous when all you want to do is sleep because the day has been so exhausting.

Communication is a two-way street, though. You can't just talk; you have to listen, and be willing to listen, to your partner. You can't blow off their concerns or feelings. You have to really hear what they're saying. If she says she's too tired, maybe you need to help out more with chores around the house. If he says he's too busy, maybe you need to schedule time to get that needed "couple time" in. Couples drift apart when they fail to spend time with one another. Participating in hobbies and sports is fine; just don't lose that "together time."

Breaking the ice is hard. Once you feel maybe like you could get amorous, how do you progress beyond that? Undress each other, take a shower together, let yourself feel those feelings you keep hidden or suppressed. Try something new or different, such as doing it in the living room instead of the bedroom (when the kids are safely at grandma's house, of course!). Get some sexy lingerie to wear for your husband, or surprise your wife with a homecooked meal when she comes home from work.

I would say that you need to talk things over beforehand with your spouse. Don't just surprise them off-the-cuff. You might find him or her less than receptive. Some people don't like surprises. I suggest talking to your spouse *way* ahead of time. For instance, perhaps it's a quiet Sunday afternoon, and the two of you are watching a movie. Start by saying something like, "the other day I was reading this article about blah-blah-blah. It sounded like it could be fun. What do you think?" Hopefully, your spouse will reply "that does sound like it could be fun. Maybe we should try that."

That would be a good sign. If he or she looks at you quizzically, further explanation might be warranted. More communication about other sexy things might then occur.

Don't approach your spouse when he or she seems stressed out or exhausted. Instead, smile and hug him or her, saying "man, you seem really tired today. Is there anything on your mind that you'd like to talk about?" Your spouse will be grateful for the comforting ear.

Whatever you do, don't be phony about being willing to listen. No one wants to be lied to or praised when it's not meant. I call that damning with faint praise. Be sincere and honest. Honesty is the most important quality.

Funny that I should be saying that, since I have been less than honest in the past. However, that is all behind me now. I have learned many lessons as a result. That is why I say that honesty is the most important quality.

Listening and really being willing to hear your partner is the second-most important quality. Sometimes we are so wrapped up in the day-to-day living that we fail to recognize or sense how our partners are feeling. Then again, no one can read your mind. If you need something from your partner, you need to say it, and don't just hint around about it.

It is unfortunate that hindsight is 20/20. Too bad we can't prevent ourselves from committing mistakes. But when you do fail at listening or being honest, don't give up. (Although not being honest is a hard thing to get past!)

The woman on "Oprah" who faked orgasm 98% of the time went on the spa retreat and she said it was the best thing she'd ever done. Since she and her husband had returned home, their sex life was immeasurably improved, and she no longer had to fake it. I think that it had less to do with the actual things they did and more with communication. In fact, the husband said that he learned a lot about being able to communicate.

It is hard to feel sexy when we feel bad about ourselves. Low self-esteem is a big problem. I know personally that I feel less than pretty/sexy/beautiful half the time. I'm too fat, too tired, too whatever. Compliment your partner with sincere admiration. If you love her, tell her, but don't forget to show her, too.

Remember that sex begins outside the bedroom. If she's tired from staying home all day with the kids, offer to take care of them for an hour so she can take a bubble bath. If she comes home from a long day at work, only to face a mountain of chores, help her out and they'll get done in half the time, leaving more time for the two of you. If he comes home after a long shift at work, don't start nagging about the week of garbage that needs to be taken out. Greet each other with a hug and kiss, no matter how you're feeling. When you leave to go to work, say goodbye with a kiss and a hug, as if every moment together could be your last.

Try not to go to sleep angry, but if your argument has escalated to the point of silence, it might be better to sleep on the couch and talk when you have both cooled off. Write your spouse a note if all else fails. Sometimes writing is easier than speaking in person.

Another important thing to remember is that when your partner has shared an intimate fantasy or other intimate details, DO NOT throw them back in their face later, especially in public. Your partner has shared their thoughts and ideas with you, and to make fun of those thoughts and ideas will kill any relationship. It destroys all trust, even if if doesn't seem like it at first. Your partner will be hurt, and this kind of pain destroys the spirit. The partner decides that you can't be trusted and so he or she builds a wall around his or her heart. Over time, the layers grow thicker and thicker and thicker, until soon, your relationship is on the rocks. All it takes is one comment. Again, I speak from personal experience.

What do you do if you already have this kind of wall around your heart? How do you go about breaking down the defenses? I wish I had some good advice, but all I can say is keep the lines of communication open and be willing to forgive. Try not to hold a grudge against your partner if he or she has belittled some idea you had. Partners sometimes don't realize that their comments were so hurtful. They may have criticized without thinking.

Relationships change and grow over the years. You won't have the same relationship at age 40 as you did at age 22. You're both older and hopefully wiser. Even if you feel that you're looking at a complete stranger, try to remember the reason you fell in love with your mate in the first place. Was it his smile? her laugh? the way he kissed you? Perhaps it was how he called you his best friend and how you were the only person who really understood him. Maybe it was something silly, like how she ate ice cream.

Dr. Phil had a newlywed couple on his show yesterday. The husband was a compulsive liar, and the wife felt she had to snoop through his email and the phone bill because she knew how flirty he was. He often flirted with other women, and it was a pure case of low self-esteem. He admitted he had begun lying at a young age; he would lie about something innocuous, but then have to lie to cover that up, and lie again when he got caught in his lies. He seemd to flirt with other women to validate something inside himself--that although he was married, he was still desirable. The wife said he often received emails and text messages from these other women, who offered more than just casual friendship. I didn't see what Dr. Phil ended up telling the couple, but I'm sure he said a lot of things that they already knew. Sometimes it's a wake-up call, though. Maybe although the husband knew what his problem was, he didn't know how to change his behavior, or he was denying his behavior to himself. The wife needed to learn to trust him, but it would be a long, hard road ahead to get to that point. He would have to change a lot--no more emails from strange women, no more text-messaging from them, maybe no more situations where these women congregated (both the husband and wife were involved in community theatre).

One thing the wife said struck me: she said that when they got married, she had the idea that their marriage would be easy the way her parents' marriage was. Damn. I guess her bubble was burst right away.

Marriage is nothing BUT compromise. I would advise anyone to think twice and do nothing in the heat of the moment. Marriage is romanticized beyond belief. No one seems to think past the ring, the white wedding, the honeymoon. No one thinks of 3 a.m. feedings and cleaning up dog puke at 2 a.m. The pressure to get married is tremendous. I sometimes think I got married because everyone else I knew was getting married and because I wanted that big party. Problems between the people in a relationship become magnified after the honeymoon is over. You don't like the way he leaves hairs all over the bathroom sink? Well, he'll still do that after the wedding. You don't like the way she hangs her pantyhose over the shower curtain? She'll still do that after the wedding. Disagree about money? Wait until you buy a house.

It's not just your way or the highway. You're married. That brings with it a whole different set of problems. If you thought you'd get married and magically be happy, nothing could be farther from the truth.

Never stop communicating. Listen to one another. Be honest with one another. Learn to trust and forgive, especially to forgive yourself. You don't need Cialis, Levitra, Viagra, or Enzyte to have a satisfying relationship. What you need is a willingness to compromise and communicate.