True Romance

I believe I'm done with this, but I'd like to rework the ending, any suggestions will be apprieciated.

Romantic comedies are such a masochistic pleasure to watch. As the credits roll, one is left with a sense of longing, a piquing paroxysm of degenerative thoughts. So why would we even engage in such a genre of cinema? A high school nerd with belligerent desires can watch Time cop and have his fantasies of traveling through time and kicking ass realized by Jean Claude Van Damme. This is, after all, the basic premise of cinema. In a romantic comedy, a helpless romantic hermit can have his fantasies projected seamlessly on the screen. In a song by Korn titled “A.D.I.D.A.S.” Jonathan Davis sings, “It doesn’t matter to me, ‘cause I will always be that pimp I see in all of my fantasies.” This could possibly be the slogan that vindicates the viewing of romantic comedies. We could almost say that, emotionally speaking; the romantic comedy is like the avant-garde version of pornography. Could romantic comedies, pornography, and the losers who view them hoping for something more, all intertwine in a glorious mess of a maso-romantic influx?

Images of a perfect life peruse the crevices of your mind, a direct input from your cathode ray tube, birthing hopes and dreams, like little maggots veiled in seductive lingerie. Hope can be a shallow killer, dragging you through sharp rocks on the back of her pickup. Hope that you will be the king of orgies, or, through some illogical series of events, you will find your soul mate. The anatomy of lovelorn pathos is proactive in its own imprecations, especially when accompanied by the influences of a romantic comedy.

What an atrocious way of looking as something! But I must say, I just love being tied and gagged as Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan beat me with whips as they engage in flirty banter. I also enjoy the occasional hanging from hooks pushed through my flesh, while Peter North and Jenna Jameson have unprotected sex below me. Of course, we are always fully conscious that we are no Tom Hanks and definitely not a Peter North; we have no such charm, and good music never plays when we have sex, maybe some Brooks and Dunn or ZZ Top, but that’s about it.

Pornography definitely has potential to be a good romantic comedy. Most of the key basic elements are there to start with, but pornography takes a step in the opposite direction of romantic comedies. I imagine the writers to be failed artists in the romantic comedy field, and pornography is a product of their spite. They have created, in a sense, the enemy of romantic comedies; it's like Emo and promiscuous R&B. We can also view pornography as a vent that romantic comedies cannot live without. A vent for all the sexual tension accumulated in a typical romantic comedy, and porno provides the proper venting in spades. As I see it, if all you are is a sexual vent, take advantage of it as much as you can! Each romantic relationship is different, therefore, there has to be a different type of sexual tension, this explains all the different types of pornography. For example, The Horse Whisperer-Bestiality. The Exorcist- Smut. Top Gun- Gay.

When viewed critically by the romantic hermit, the romantic comedy can be a provocative innuendo that unchains the colors of romance in front of your eyes, an idea that can be only entertained by an imagination that screams “In your dreams”. These “Emo” tendencies create the path that begs us to keep walking, frequenting the video store like the loser that you are; maybe the girl of your dreams will reach for Sleepless In Seattle at the same moment you do, thus blossoming a beautiful romance. Again, I must reiterate: “In your dreams”. One suffering from a romantic comedy hangover or R.C.H., can probably find some deliverance in pornographic material. As I’ve stated above, pornography can be a vent for the tensions created in a typical “Rom-Com”. In the same way, a poor soul with R.C.H. can use some venting with a good old fashioned porno tape and some Vaseline.

Whether you want to meet the girl of your dreams, kill terrorists in Sudan, or have sex with horses, remember that we are here with you, in our favorite dominatrix gear, ready to support you. We know what it's like to be trapped in our own fucked up pathos we lovingly built ourselves. When Billy Crystal ran across town to profess his love to Meg Ryan at the New Year' party, we were there. When Nicholas Cage renounced his angelhood in the name of love, we were there. When Jean Claude Van Damme did the splits on his kitchen counter to avoid getting shocked by "Sixty thousand volts motherfucker", we were there. Those countless Jenna Jameson lesbian scenes and Peter North facials? Right there with you, with our trusty container of Vaseline.