The strong one

“Get the hell out of that bed!”

Gee, what a way to wake up in the morning. Don’t you just miss those days when the screaming was actually your mom coming in your room and gently waking you. I know I sure do miss that.

“What did I tell you, get moving NOW?!” Oh does that hurt your ears. I can’t even see yet and she’s already yelling at me. I wonder if I could get away with just laying here.

Bang!

“Hey that was my door.”

“No, it’s my door, your just borrowing it!” It’s seven in the morning and she’s already got a vein in her neck that is bulging.

“Ok, fine but why are you so pissed this early in the morning?” My head hurts. It always hurts when she wakes me up like this.

“I’m pissed because you didn’t do the damn dishes last night!” She could barely get the words out. It was like she was too pissed to even speak. God I wish that would really happen; her not talking would be a great thing. “I knew you wouldn’t do it. You never do anything that I want you to. You only do stuff for your friends. Everything I want is just thrown aside like it doesn’t matter!”

“Oh, right.” I’m so used to this happening that I don’t care. I’ve shut down, nothing bothers me.

“What do you mean ‘oh right’. I wanted that damn kitchen done!” If this would’ve taken place a couple of years ago I would have been shaking right now, but I’m not. My brown eyes are lazily trying to adjust to the light that has snuck into the room.

“Alright. Alright! I’m moving. I’m moving! You can stop glaring at me for god’s sake.” I hate it when she glares. She doesn’t move very quickly, but eventually she’s out of my room. I want to just run, run as far as my legs will take me. My head hurts and rubbing it isn’t helping. Now that she’s gone I can try and undo the scar that she’s just reopened on my brain. Although there’s nothing I can do. It’s there and it keeps getting rehashed and carved deeper and deeper.

“I’m done with the dishes.” I wonder if she’s in a better mood yet. Mom’s a hard person to understand. One minute we’ll be talking and the next my brain is being assaulted by the worst kind of words in the world.

“Good. Now I want you to…” She’s stopped talking. Why must she always stop what she’s saying right in the middle of something? Do you know how hard it is to keep your concentration up when she stops what she’s doing? It’s like trying to catch a fly. It’s almost impossible.

“What do you want me to do now?” I’m tired and I’m upset with how I was woke up this morning and it shows in my voice. I had plans today and she knew it. How much work must I do around here? We only live in a one floor house; you’d think that with two adults living there it wouldn’t need as much labor on my side.

“I don’t want you talking to me in that tone of voice missy. I’m sick and tired of you treating your friends with more respect than you treat me!” I guess she’s not in a better mood. Maybe I should just do what she wants then I’ll ask her again if I can go out.

“I’m sorry.”

“No your not.” Comes her reply before I even get the words out of my mouth.

“Fine! I’m sorry I thought I knew my emotions. I guess I didn’t. I’ll just stop trying to tell what I’m feeling and just ask you next time. Ok?”

Smack! Her hand was swinging though the newest version of abuse for the week. When she was done, my head hurt more. I hate it when that happens. I’m standing in front of the mirror. I’m supposed to be cleaning this mirror. I can’t let my friends see me like this. They’d want to kill my mother. I can’t let them know that I’m weak. I won’t let them see it, but I can’t cover it up. I have no make up and I don’t have the time anyway.

“Jennifer!” There’s her beckoning me again. Why can’t she ever do anything herself?

“What!” I’m not about to grovel at her feet.

“Jennifer!!” She’s yelling louder now. Didn’t she hear me ask what? I yelled it loud enough for the neighbors to hear it. Whatever if I don’t get everything done then I can’t go. I’d almost say it was worth it, but if I stay here I might get more physical evidence of the mental abuse I’ve gotten for years.

“I’m coming.” Strange how I said that softer than the last thing I said to her; yet she heard that just fine.

“Could you turn the VCR on for me?” What! She called me in here to turn on the VCR for her? What is she crazy? She knows how to turn on the damn VCR. Why does she need my help?

“You’re kidding me right?” I can’t believe that she would act as if it was insanely important and all she wants is the VCR turned on! “Why can’t you do it yourself?”

“I don’t want to. Besides I’ve got you here why do I need to do things?” Her face was cold and unfeeling. She loved to torment me. Why did dad have to work so much? Granted it probably wouldn’t help things any. It really doesn’t help since their divorced. I can’t just run to him any more. He lives too far away, and he works too much.

“Fine,” I sighed. I turned on the VCR and gave her the remote. Then I hurried to finish the dusting that I’m supposed to do before I can meet the one friend I have. An hour later I’m tired but the dusting is finished. I know that I need to suck up to her, so I straighten up my room and make her bed for good measure.

Finally I start to get ready for the day ahead of me. I don’t need a shower, I took one the night before, but I do need to get out of my pajamas.

I’m shredding my big t-shirt when I notice my stress reliever. The long gash on my upper arm, I’m surprised it didn’t bust open while I was cleaning earlier. I turn from that thought, I’m not proud that I cut. I hate it, but I can’t think of anything else to do. It helps, if only for a little while. My friends know about it, and they’ve been trying to get me to stop. Isn’t it funny that they know I abuse myself, but I can’t bring myself to tell them my mother lasses out at me?

Not wanting to think about any of my injuries I get dressed very quickly. I grab my band t-shirt and favorite pair of jeans. Slowly I creep out to the living room. My mother notices me and turns in my direction.

“Well, where do you think your going?” She always gets right to the point. She’s making me uncomfortable by the way she’s staring at me with those eyes that so resemble mine. Do my eyes have that cold and distant look to them? I hope not. It’s scary.

“Where do you think I’m going?” She knew where I was headed. It’s the only place I go. “I’m going to Cathy’s house. I told you about it yesterday. Remember we’re going to go shopping for the school trip.” At the mention of ‘Cathy’ her face turned evil.

“Oh so your leaving me again? Well, fine but when the hell are you going to be back? I want to know before you leave.” She was just being a bitch. It didn’t really matter when I’d be home. We weren’t doing anything tonight. It’s not like we do anything any night, and tonight was a weekend.

“Well, actually I was spending the night at Cathy’s house. Remember you told me I could.” She didn’t remember a thing from last night, because she had taken a sleeping pill and been in a half coma state for a good hour before she went to bed.

“I did? I don’t remember telling you that.” The gears in her head tried to come up with an excuse to keep me in the god for saken house. I took the silence as she was done talking and headed to the door.

“Wait! Did I tell you that you could go yet?” She had to keep my attention, and it was getting harder and harder to concentrate on the 45 year old that called herself my mother.

“No you didn’t, but I took the silence as a chance to leave. Obviously it was a bad idea.” I was getting stressed and just plain pissed off at her. I can’t seem to control my voice. It was shaking worse than a pair of maracas. “Do you have anything else to say to me?”

“I want you home before ten tomorrow morning.” She was such an annoying morning person. I hate it; she thinks getting up at nine is wasting the day away.

“I’ll try, we might not be up.” She didn’t hear that statement. I knew if I showed up after ten tomorrow she’d bitch at me. Granted it wasn’t any different than any other time I did anything.

I didn’t wait for her to answer me. If I had we would’ve gotten in a fight and then I probably would have ended up in my room desperate for someone to help me. The person that could help happened to live at the house I was headed to at that moment. Tonight I had to tell her. I had to tell her everything. She was my best friend after all. She deserved to know; plus I couldn’t hide the bruise on my face so she’d ask questions. Sometimes I hate that I can’t lie to her.

After ten minutes of driving with my speakers blasting punk music I arrived at Cathy’s house. It was a bungalow, and she had the whole top floor to herself. It was like a mini apartment.

I parked my black sedan in my usual spot in front of their big oak tree in their front yard. Cathy’s mom opens the door for me as I walk up the steps. I’ve got the hood to my hoodie up so she doesn’t notice the bruise. I don’t need her thinking things. She’s such a sweet person, and she takes care of me enough.

“Hello Jennifer sweetheart. How’re you doing?” The blonde haired house wife asks.

“I’m fine mom. How’re you doing? Did you miss me?” I smiled at her and she pulled me into a hug.

“Of course I did. You know we haven’t seen you for two days. That’s a new record.” We both laughed at that. “Well, I’ve taken enough of your time. Cathy’s up in her room getting ready for the big shopping spree.”

“Thanks. I’ll see ya later.” I ran up the steps that lead to Cathy’s loft apartment. “Hey, aren’t you ready yet?”

“No stupid. I just woke up, you’re here pretty early.” She was sitting on her bed brushing her hair and still in her pajamas. I pulled my hood down and waited for her to notice the bruise, like I knew she would. “Let me guess, your mom woke you up at six this morning?”

“No she let me sleep all the way to seven. Then she woke me up. Isn’t she so nice?” The resentment I felt for her seeped into my voice even though I tried to hold it back. “Then I cleaned the kitchen, dusted, cleaned my room and made her bed. Now I’m here and it’s ten.”

“Oh, well at least you started the day off right.” She put on a fake smile that made me laugh a little. That was a bad idea, the laughing hurt my face and I had to stop immediately. “What the fuck happened to your face?” Cathy jumped off her bed and ran to examine my check.

“It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.” I tried to make her calm down, but it wasn’t working.

“What do you mean this is nothing? It’s turning black and blue!” She was always the worry wart between the two of us. “Who did this to you?! I’ll kill em.”

“I’ll tell you later hon; could you just cover it up for me?” I wanted to enjoy the day, not talk about my mother. “Oh that reminds me. I told my mom that I was spending the night. Do you think I could?”

“Of course you can. I was going to force you to stay anyway.” She said that as she walked back from her make up table with some cover-up. After my face looked normal she gave me a comforting hug. It made me feel safe for the first time this morning.

“Are we ready to go? I can’t wait till the trip. It’s gonna be amazing a whole week in New York City baby. Senior trips rock!”

“Yeah, I’m so happy the rest of our class decided to go there for Spring break instead of Cancun or anywhere else you know. We get to experience the city at our own pace. It’s going to be awesome.”

“Yes and the trip is cheaper because the school’s sponsoring it. Fuck yeah.” We got into my car and Cathy took control of the radio the minute I turned the key.

“Don’t I every get to pick the music that comes out of the speakers of my car?” I was just playing with her and she knew it.

“No…..You don’t.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t worry about it. So where are we going first?” We mostly needed shampoo, food, and stuff like that, but we did need a few clothes.

“How about the mall? We could get our clothes shopping done first.” Where else would we go? Shopping anywhere else but the mall was a crime.

“You read my mind. We’re the same person Jenny.”

“I know we are. Panara bread for lunch?”

“Of course! It goes right along with the mall.” We had the whole day planned out with out even having to ask the other.

When we entered the mall we headed to our favorite store without even talking to the other. We felt safe in that store. While we walked into the store it was playing my favorite punk song.

“So what do we need?” Cathy loved shopping, but she needed to know what she was looking for.

“Um. I don’t know. Are we still sharing? Or do we need twice as many clothes?” I started to look at the pants. It wasn’t going to be tropical weather in New York in April.

“I don’t think it matters. I guess we can share and bring your luggage for the stuff we buy out there.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a plan. A good plan cause I need to save as much money as possible.”

We finished the clothing shopping in less than an hour. It was a personal record for us. We ended up getting a few pairs of pants, some more t-shirts, and a couple of good tennis shoes. We unfortunately couldn’t share those. So I had to buy them all for myself.

“Well, time for the boring shopping. Let’s head to Target.”

“Yeah I like Target. Are we sharing these products too?” Cathy knew I needed to save as much money as possible.

“I don’t care. Why not. We share everything else.”

We finally ended our day around five as we headed back to her house. We walked though the door and her mom greeted us with dinner, which we were very happy for. Her mom piled the delicious food onto our plates and we quietly snuck up to her room before her mother could protest.

“So were did that bruise come from Jennifer.” I had been waiting for this conversation all day. Well, not really waiting, more like dreading this conversation. I just looked at her. I couldn’t say anything right away.

“You haven’t started hitting yourself now have you?” That sounded stupid, so I couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh good, I’ll take that as a no.”

“Don’t get all happy. I haven’t stopped.” I showed her the scabbed line on my arm.

“Oh, well who did that then?” I could see the disappointment in her face. Well, it wasn’t really disappointment. It was more of a heart breaking face.

“Um…” I tried. Can I drop the conversation now?

“Who Jenny? Who?” Ok. I guess I can’t get out of the conversation.

“Uh, my…my mom.” I was excepting a shocked look from Cathy, but I didn’t get it.

“Really. That’s new.” She was taking this calmer than I had thought she would have.

“Well, not really.” Now I got a shocked expression.

“This isn’t new?! How come you haven’t told me?! Have you told anyone?”

“Uh, no I haven’t told anyone. I couldn’t. I don’t really know why I didn’t tell you. I just feel so weak when this happens. I guess I didn’t want you to see me like that.”

“Jenny, your one of the bravest people I know, but even they have times when they aren’t the strongest stone in the mountain. You help me so much. Can’t you let me be there for you once in a while?”

“But I feel as if you’re always there for me. I feel as if I take up too much of your time.” Tears had started to fall from my dark brown eyes. I felt my body being moved in order for Cathy to hug me and gently rub my back.

“Hey,” She said as we hugged. “You know what? I love you, and I’ll always be there for you. You just have to let me catch you if you fall. Will you try to do that?” I felt my shoulder getting wet, and I realized that she was crying too.

“I’ll try. Thank you. I love you too.” I was going to try to allow people to support me more. It would be difficult, but I’d manage.

We spent the rest of the night talking about the trip and gossiping. Finally we dragged ourselves to bed finding warmth from the other.