Suffer the Human Race

Suffer the Human Race

‘You’re not human. I can smell it.’
‘I am.’
‘You can pass off has human in front of those stupid customs services guys, but you sure as hell can’t fool me.’
‘I breathe. I have flesh. I do what everyone else does. What makes me inhuman?’
‘Your smell. You smell like soil.’
‘…What?’
‘Soil – you know? The things plants grow out of?’
‘Oh yeah. Soil. I remember. I have amnesia, you know.’
‘Yeah, yeah, bullshit. Go back to where you came from, huh?’
‘You’re smoking a cigarette.’
‘Yeah, so? You goin’ tell my Mommy?’
‘I can see the smoke unfurling in your lungs as it travels down your windpipe. The cells lining your lung are mutating as you inhale from that death stick. You-’
‘Shut the hell up!’
‘You’re killing yourself.’
‘Well, what can you do.’
‘Stop smoking.’
‘It’s not as simple as that, you stupid thing. Your planet’s probably full of goddamn pink bunnies and E.T. like things. So don’t come to my planet and tell me what to do.’
‘E.T.?’
‘Yeah. E.T.’
‘What’s th-’
‘Never mind. You won’t get it.’
‘You want me to retrieve something?’
‘No.’
‘Then why’d you say you won’t get-’
‘Shut up. Go away, you idiot. Come back to earth when you aliens develop better conversationalists.’
‘…Are you mocking my race?’
‘Yeah, why not.’
‘Yellow card. Don’t say anything like that again.’
‘What are you going to do? Punch me?’
‘No.’
‘Well what then? Bring out your blue plasma energy rifle from outer space and blast me to hell?’
‘Red card.’
‘Shut up. You sound like a football ref.’
‘Red card is the last warning. We don’t tolerate mockery. Especially not from humans, the lowest race.’
‘Excuse me? We-’
‘Your cigarette ash just fell on me.’
‘Who gives? No one – Hey, get your hands offa me! What the hell do you think you’re doing! Stop it! Jesus, stop it! It hurts! AARGGH! Quit it you sonofa…’