The Playground Anthology.

Chapter 1

My name is Jason. My life was once full of adolescent craziness, which I am about to describe to you.

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I got the itch sometime between the moments leading up to my senior year in high school. The previous years were all just an array of meaningless moments piled up into a heap. This is how my life was. I never did anything socially. I had no friends, and no one ever noticed me. But that itch totally changed my existence.

I watched all my classmates at school. I saw how they were always talking to their friends and how they always looked happy. I never had this in my life. My normal day consisted of waking up for school and spending eight hours doing homework, eating, and going to class. Then at night I would return home and proceed to study until my eyelids became too heavy to lift. Everyday was the same. Nothing exciting happened--ever.

I was obsessed with my schoolwork. Not a moment passed that I wasn't deep in thought about my next test or homework assignment. I didn't have time for anything else, especially not friends.

Then I got the itch. It felt like an arrow piercing my lung. I was walking to class at the time it hit me and I fell to my knees from the shock. It didn't hurt, but it was an alien feeling like nothing else to pass through my body. I felt the urge to be cool.

I realized in this great moment of ecstasy that I was not happy with my current life. I realized that if I kept dedicating all my time to schoolwork life would be over before I knew it. This thought smeared every crease and wrinkle of my body with fear--a fear of dying alone.

And that's when I met Miller. Miller was just like me, except people liked him because he was funny. He did not devote his time to studying--but he still managed to do well in school. I would be envious of this skill of his until the day Death would lay his hand on my shoulder.

Miller was more popular than me, thanks to his humor, but he was also socially isolated. He didn't go out on the weekends--instead he played video games and watched television. I decided that Miller and I would be good friends, and so I set out to make this happen.

I started slow, as you should with any relationship, first asking how he was whenever I saw him and casually building this polite conversation up into real dialogue. We started eating lunch together and hanging out in between classes. We were becoming great friends.

This all was occurring during the tail end of my junior year, so that by summer we were hanging out on the weekends and whenever else we could. My life was finally turning around.

And then senior year came and I knew this was finally my chance to make the transition from total dork to class legend. I talked to Miller and he expressed the same lust for popularity that I myself had felt since that fateful day. We decided that we would hang out in "Player's Gap." This was where anyone who was anyone would hang out during the school day. This is where we would finally dive deep into the ocean and re-emerge as different people. This would be our renaissance.

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It was somewhat awkward at first, sitting in Player's Gap, but after a week we met some new people and we started talking to them every day. These people were my bus ride to popularity. I just hoped they would drive faster.

It was Halloween and I caught yet another bug. This was the bug that infected most adolescent males with great conviction. Yes, my hormones finally snapped and I started noticing girls. I had noticed them before but now this feeling was much stronger. I wanted someone to hold and kiss, I wanted someone that I would love and they would love me back.

With this newfound feeling running its course through my veins I noticed every girl I came into contact with. Any girl who so much as said the casual hello to me, my mind quickly created a fantasy where she was my girlfriend. And without even thinking about it I just became a flirt. No matter what girl was talking to me I would always act the same. I would try to make them laugh while at the same time acting as if I wasn't interested. I don't know how or why I was doing this it was just instinct. I think my manly urges had finally overthrown my mind and were now in control of my actions. I only had one goal and that was to get a girlfriend.

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These feelings quickly mounted towards one girl. Sally. She was beautiful, funny and exceptionally nice. She always laughed at my jokes and I felt as if she was constantly flirting with me. I thought we were making a bond but I was wrong.

After a week or two of flirting with Sally I discover that she is in a serious relationship with someone. I had never met this person but Sally couldn't stop talking about him. She was always thinking about him, but it still felt like we had a connection. My heart was crushed and my mind was confused. I felt utterly despicable for a few days and then Sarah came into my life.

It was a remarkable moment when I finally noticed her. Everyday after school I volunteered at the local Museum for Fine Arts. I gave tours and such. Sarah volunteered there as well, but until now I had never really thought about her. I realized how much we got along and how much we have in common. She was a junior at the time, but I didn't think that would be a problem.

Every weekend came and every weekend left without me building up the strength to call her. I wanted so desperately to ask her to go to a movie but whenever I felt the ice-cold telephone between my shakingly nervous fingers I went numb. I couldn't move my mouth let alone dial a phone number. It happened every time I thought of calling her, my body shut down and I couldn't function. I knew deep down that I really wanted this to work but my fear suffocated me to within moments of death. I would never be able to tell her how I felt.

Now two girls had entered my heart, and those two girls were impossible for me to become romantically involved with. Why does life have to play such cruel tricks on me?

One day in November I was meandering around campus and I turned around at the perfect moment--for at that moment Lauren walked right through my line of sight. Lauren was somewhat strange but we got along very well. She wasn't the most popular girl in school but she was well liked. I was not going to let fate screw this up for me, I was going to be her boyfriend. Nothing would stand in my way!

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Christmas has passed now--we are out of school now for the holidays. This was the best Christmas break I have ever had. I have so many stories to tell from all the crazy antics that my friends and I partook in. We went to thirty movies, bought great clothing at cheap prices, we went bowling, ate at restaurants, laughed about life and even hung out at the mall. I was having the absolute time of my life. I wouldn't have traded it for the world, and I would do anything to keep it this way.

It wasn't until a week before we returned to school that I finally had the nerve to tell Lauren how I felt. We were alone in my car on the way home from a movie when I just told her that I thought she was the most amazing person I had ever met. She was silent for a second, I'm sure the bluntness of my statement caught her off guard. But then she spoke. That moment that she spoke will forever be ingrained in my mind. She told me that she thought the same thing about me, and she had been working up the courage to tell me. My heart felt as if it was lifted up into the heavens and then was dropped straight back into my throat where it would remain until I could get over the initial shock. This was the moment when my life truly changed for the better, the moment at which I was happiest. Little did I know that every future moment would never be able to compare to the divine joy that was emanating throughout my entire being.

I was becoming annoyed with Miller. He kept drifting deeper and deeper into the depths of pop culture. We started hanging out less and less. I am fairly confident that he was jealous of my relationship with Lauren. He became a complete asshole to me. Everyone was fueling his ego by laughing hysterically at all his jokes--which always had their way of being about me. I couldn't believe he was acting this way. He was totally different than when I first met him. I had created a monster. I was the person who saved him from the depths of loserdom and raised him to his current level of popularity. Without me he would never have done anything socially. I am his creator and now he is sitting back mocking my every action. He has totally forgotten the friendship we had--he has totally forgotten the sacrifices I made to be his friend. What a disrespectful bastard.

News of Lauren and my relationship took a week or two to fully sweep across my group of friends. And after everyone knew I noticed a change in their demeanors. They seemed to always be mocking me, as if no matter what I said they would turn around and laugh at me. I don't know why people constantly made fun of me but it seemed to be the new hot trend sweeping over the school.

At the beginning of our relationship I wasn't sure how it would be at school. After everyone knew we were dating it became simpler and less awkward. I wouldn't always sit next to her or talk to her because I didn't want to disturb her or become an annoyance. I thought that if I was always around her she would begin to hate me, and I didn't want that. So while I wasn't with her I hung out with Sarah and Sally. Our friendship had blossomed over the past few months to the point where I could tell them anything and I could talk to them online for hours on end. They both made me extremely happy.

On the weekends whenever Lauren could do something we would. We went to movies for our first few dates and we went to dinner as well. We were still traversing through the new relationship awkwardness. I just needed time to get comfortable with her.

Miller was on my last nerve. He was starting to hang out with the wrong crowd. On the weekends he would go to parties and drink. I don't mind that he drinks I just hope he realized that he is putting his entire future at risk of being destroyed. I know better than to drink, obviously he does not.

It wasn't only the lack of concern for rules that changed in Miller--it was the lack of concern for everyone and everything. He did not care whom it was he would still make jokes about them. Even I, his ex-best friend, was not free from the constant barrage of jokes that left his mouth. He was really starting to piss me off.

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Life continued to go spectacularly. I had everything in my life that I wanted and it was all-fantastic. But the fear of losing all I had grown to love kept me awake at night. I was so afraid of changing any aspect of my life in fear of losing everything. I didn't want my life to return to how it was before this year. I wanted this all to be here forever! And so I decided to do everything in my power to keep my life how it is--even if that meant acting exactly as I did then for as long as it was humanly possible.

If the way I was acting got me all these spectacular treasures then I reasoned that acting the same way would keep these treasures in my life. And this became my course of action.

I kept flirting with every girl that I needed to gain the respect of. Lauren, however, was not part of this category. I knew she liked me, and so I didn't need to flirt with her. Why try to force more love out of something that is already giving you ample love? I continued hanging out with my friends. I went out every chance I had and cherished every second of this life that I was now living.

I was finally popular. People knew who I was and they liked me. They didn't know the real me--the old me--they only knew the person that I had become. I will keep the real me hidden deep beneath the surface until I think it is safe to release him, that time which may never come.

I was maintaining my life in such a way as football players workout to maintain their strength during the season. It took work to act the same as I always had, but I knew in the long run it would bring me the championship. It would all be worth it eventually.



Chapter 2

I love life now. I wasn't depressed or sad or anything like that. I was perfectly happy with my life. After such a long wait I could finally live without the hatred for myself. It was beautiful.

But now looking back on it I was naive to think that everything would last. I was naive to think that by changing who I was I could get real friends. I was also naive to think that by acting the same way as I had before I would prolong my joyous life indefinitely. I now have the wisdom and experience to look back on my many mistakes and realize the error of my ways. I can now look back and see where I went wrong.

It all started on a Saturday afternoon. We were on Spring Break and Lauren and I were going to hang out at my house that night. Maybe watch a movie or just talk. This was the plan, however, plans change. I heard my phone ring around one o'clock and it was Lauren. I answered it and after a few moments I realized that to my dismay she wasn't coming over tonight. She didn't really explain why, she just said she wasn't going to be able to come. I was devastated. It felt like she had taken my heart out and stomped it into a hamburger patty and then slow cooked it until it was well passed burnt. I couldn't understand why she would do this to me--after all I had been to her. I was astonished.

I talked to Sally about it that night and she helped me calm down a great deal. Sally is easily the greatest friend anyone could ever have. She is a great listener and is very understanding. She makes me feel ten times better in the moments when I think nothing can save me from the sadness. That is what she did on that night. She comforted me and told me it would be all right. I'm so thankful that I have a friend like that.

After I talked to Sally for several hours I felt much better and I was finally able to fall asleep. I didn't get much sleep that night because I was tossing and turning throughout the night. I had one thing on my mind. I was trying to decide how I would break up with Lauren.

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Today has been the worst day of my life. I woke up around ten o'clock but I felt like I hadn't even gone to bed. My head hurt from rolling over how I would break up with Lauren all night long. I smelled absolutely rotten, and I desperately needed a shower. My hair was all over the place--it looked like someone had taken every strand of my hair and they had randomly placed it somewhere else on my head. I looked like absolute shit, which is exactly what I felt like.

I hopped in the shower to make an attempt at taming the wild beast that sat upon my head as well as the foul odor that came from beneath my arms. The warm water felt chilly as it crashed into my moist skin. I slowly got used to the temperature as my body cooled to the temperature of the water. The monotonous drum of the water falling onto the floor created a peaceful rhythm that helped soothe my mind. My mind became blank as the shampoo dripped over my tightly shuteyes. The smell of flowers and apples filled my nostrils and I finally reached a state of peace. This was the most relaxed I had been for ages, it was totally blissful because there was not a care in my head. I just lost myself in the moment, not thinking about anything at all.

The moment my rough feet came into contact with the slightly damp rug at the base of the shower life came rushing back into my life like a speeding seven forty seven. All my previous worries re-entered the forefront of my mind and that feeling of peace was shattered into a billion tiny crystals that impaled my feet as I walked. The deep, dark pit returned to my stomach and I felt my hands start to shake. Everything I had managed to block out returned to me in just an instant. I felt terrible again.

I need to tell Lauren how I felt, but it was only eleven o'clock and she was at church so I was unable to call her. I still needed to decide what exactly I would say to her. I decided the best way for me to think would be to put on some music and just let the music guide my mind. I put on some hard rock to fit my mood and it worked quite nicely. I just sat there while the bass took control of my heart and the soaring guitar took control of my mind.

I kept thinking about how much Lauren and I didn't get along, and how she hardly ever wants to do anything with me and when she does it quickly becomes boring. I know that your girlfriend is supposed to make you happy, and I thought she did but as I kept thinking about it I realized we just didn't work. We were too different.

My mind took me over all the moments that I had spent with her, all the good times and all the bad times. I felt something stir from deep inside of my body, it felt like an avalanche except this wasn't snow it was raw emotion. The wall of emotion gave way and all my emotions came crashing down upon me. I felt my eyes water and I cried for the first time since I was a child.

I sat there crying into my hands while my headphones thumped along with the rhythm. I sat there for nearly two hours, just crying. The pain inside of my finally ebbed so that I was able to dam up the river of tears long enough to think. And then it hit me. I knew why I was crying. It's not because I don't want to hurt her, it's not because I'm afraid to break up with her, it's because I still have feelings for her. I started to question my plan to end the relationship. I was like a little child who just found out Santa isn't real. I felt hurt and confused and certain all at the same time. I had absolutely no idea what to do.

After spending the rest of the day flip-flopping my mind around on what to do I finally got the nerve to call Lauren and talk to her. The second I heard her voice on the other line my feelings for her came rushing back into my heart. They were always there but now they were much stronger. I explained to her that I thought she neglected me and that we hardly ever did anything. She once again surprised me by apologizing and telling me that she did in fact have feelings for me too, but she sometimes didn't know how to express them. After an hour of conversation we said our goodnights and we each hung up the phone. We were still a couple, and my thoughts of ending it were subsided for now.

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Word spread, as it has a tendency of doing, to all my close friends that I had toyed with the idea of breaking up with Lauren. I think Gossip has a mind of its own. No matter who you ell they will inevitably tell someone else. This process cannot be avoided. Gossip wills the person to tell, it uses its enhanced manipulation skills to move from one mouth to another. It's a disease that is trying to infect as many people as possible. And that's precisely what it did, and will continue to do for all eternity.

All my friends knew. The only person who, as far as I knew, was untouched by the infection of Gossip was Lauren. I hoped to God that she did not catch wind that I had planned to break up with her. If she confronted me I would not know what to do. I would have no idea what to say.

Things went on, though slowly. I still went out every weekend with friends and occasionally Lauren. I still avoided Miller and he still acted like he was trying to feed his insatiable ego. I knew people were making fun of me. I tried to ignore it for as long as possible but I had to face it sometime.

Everyone thought I was a fool. They still talked to me like they were my friends but behind my back I knew they despised me. Sally and Sarah were still awesome friends. They didn't make fun of me--they are too kind and compassionate to do such a horrible thing. In my eyes they were the most awesome people on the planet. They helped me out more than I could ever comprehend. I wouldn't trade my friendship with them for the world.

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And that's precisely when everything changed.

It was a normal Tuesday, or so I thought. I came to school exactly as usual and I went to Player's Gap like I do every morning. None of my friends were there. It was strange, normally all my friends would already be there talking or finishing their homework. But no one was there. I had no idea what was going on.

When I finally ran into my friends later that day they ignored me. I tried to ask Miller where everyone was but he just walked right on by as if he did not see me. It was not until I ran into Sally that I found out what was going on. This is what she told me:

"Everyone is tried of your shit," she said. "We can't take your attitude towards life anymore. You act as if you are better than all of us. You act like you are God and we are your little green army men. You strut around thinking you know everything, acting like you're hot shit. But we're tired of it."

"We used to think it was okay--I mean we used to be able to tolerate it. But now, you have become too elitist for us or anyone else to handle," she continued.

"You don't take jokes well at all. I mean if someone makes fun of you, you deny it--it's just a joke, we're playing around. You can't accept the fact that you can be wrong about things. You mind is like a box with a hole shaped like a circle cut into it, except everyone else's opinion is shaped like a square.

"No one else's opinions matter to you because your mind is closed too tightly to let them in. You judge people before you meet them and you laugh at people who do nothing to you. All of this is okay for a short period of time. We didn't mind any of this until very recently. It's gotten a lot worse--so bad that none of us can tolerate you any more," she paused for a moment.

"I'm not even supposed to be telling you this. I just thought you should know."



Chapter 3

I watched her walk off into the distance and as she left I felt everything I had worked so hard during my life to build up crumble into nothingness. I felt my entire world collapse from beneath me, bringing me straight down onto my ass. I felt like a complete and utter idiot. How could I have let my attitude become that repulsive? How could I have let my ego get in the way of my friends?

There was no turning back now. I had once again gone through the process of birth. This was my third, but not final, time. This time I was born into a body that was despised by his friends, a person who let his greed for popularity get in the way of everything. I was blinded by my own ambition. I had no idea that my legs were breaking beneath me as I went through my daily routine. I had no idea my friends were annoyed with me.

I thought I would be able to make the feelings of joy I had last forever. I thought I could remain popular by remaining constant. Little did I know that it was this unchanging personality that pushed my friends over the edge of toleration. People say that there are signs that a person must see to realize that his life is crashing down around him. But I did not see any signs. It would have been impossible to see signs while this great light of popularity blinded my eyes. All my senses were paralyzed by the joy I felt, I could not have thought clearly if I had tried. I think my destruction was as inevitable as death, it had to happen--I just sped the process up.

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I don't understand life anymore. I used to think I knew exactly how life worked and exactly what I needed to do to be successful in life. It took my own destruction to realize that I am oblivious to the workings of life. I have no idea how anything works. I am once again a little child lost in this vast and tricky world. I am just as bewildered as I was during the first seconds of life.

I have thought about the events many, many times over the years since then and I realized how insignificant and yet hugely important these events were in my life. At the time I thought that my world was done for--I thought someone had come to take me to the afterlife. But I now realize that my life was not over. My previous life, the life of popularity, was over--for the person that I was then died on that fateful day. But my body did not die. A new soul entered my body and took my body for its home. This soul is far wiser then my previous soul and he has the experience necessary to avoid disasters like this in the future. My new soul is a historian in the sense that he will study my past actions and attempt to find a way to keep them from happening. He will learn from all the mistakes of my previous soul.

I find it crazy that the mind can control what we experience. My mind controlled my senses so that I was unable to see the people around me become enraged with my actions. It is scary to think that all we know and all that we believe to be true could just be an elaborate lie created by our mind to get what it wants. We have no way of proving anything that we think of as true, our mind could just keep lying to us in an attempt to keep us from discovering the truth. The truth is that we do not have free will--we can only do something if our mind deems it okay. The truth is that we are not in control--our mind is.

Everything we do and say has to be created by our minds. Every thought we have originates in our minds, as does every action. We can't put extraneous thoughts into our minds--only our mind can allow those thoughts access to the core of our mind. We don't control our body, our mind does. We are just here to test the flaws of the mind. We are constantly looking for ways to prove that we have free will--we are always looking for ways to get around the defenses that our minds have placed on us. While we do this, our mind is watching and waiting for what we can throw at it next. And as we develop new ways of breaching its security so will it evolve new defenses for keeping us contained. We are perfecting the very system that has stolen our freedom. No matter what we do our minds will always be able to track us down and imprison us again. Our confinement within the constraints of the mind is inevitable. Just as my destruction was inevitable and just as all of our deaths are inevitable.

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Because of my tragic downfall I have come to realize the finality of life. I have come to realize that every beginning has an end. And the beginning of something is just the beginning of the end.

Every aspect of life follows this rule. Birth is just starting you down the road to death. Marriage is just leading you towards the end of your relationship. Waking up starts you towards going to sleep again. The examples are endless, and they are also unavoidable. We cannot live through life without experiencing this beginning and end relationship. Life in itself is an example of this relationship. The only way to escape this pattern is to not begin anything--and that includes life. The only way out of this pattern is to escape birth. But even then you will be beginning a new path that will inevitable come crashing down around you.

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I find it interesting that it takes loss to spark insight. It is the experience of extremely tragic events that gives people the reason to take a moment out of their hectic lives and reflect on what has happened. It is during these moments of deep, emotional reflection that the arrow of insight pierces the person's mind. Why is it that people can't receive these flames of inspiration without losing something dear to them? Is it that the monotonous lifestyle that we live teaches us to take for granted what we have? Could it be that we cannot truly open our minds until we have been defeated both emotionally and physically? If people could learn to break away from this habit of waiting for loss to find insight then the world would be a much happier place. For people would realize the error of their ways instead of just molding to the patterns that have been laid out for them. If people took the initiative to think about their actions they would be far more successful in the long run.

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This tragedy has taught me many things, but most important was the lesson that we need to be careful. Our minds are constantly plotting with the Devil to bring about our destruction. All it takes is one wrong step and you will plummet down the endless staircase of life. Your mind is always right behind you as you climb the staircase--always watching, always waiting. It's always waiting for the opportune moment to give you one push and watch you slip down the stairs never to return. Your mind is always waiting for the perfect moment when it can steal everything that you love in the world right out of your hands. And once it does that it will be an endlessly difficult battle to regain your rightful throne.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: watch out for your mind, he's not the friend you thought he was.