How to Write a BS Review

[Just so you know, this was written only as a jest to describe the types of tactics reviewers use when they seek GP. I do not promote this as acceptable behavior, nor should anybody use this piece as a guide to write cheap revews, it is only intended as a joke and nothing more... I had intended to write this piece as a sort of critique of the various workings of writing.com, exposing the flaws in the website I have lurked on these past five thirteen years...]

Have you ever faced the dilemma of wanting to write a review for something, but are too damn lazy to read the entry and write the 250 characters necessary for that GP prize? We all have at some time.

The thing is, is that we lazy writers at writing.com wish to be paid huge amounts of GP without much effort. It is why we'd rather review a 0.8K poem for 200GP rather than a 10 entry novel for 1000GP.

So it is human nature to want more for less. Yet sometimes, we writing.com members want GP so badly, we do not take into account the content of the submission. The thing is, the writers will know that you bs'd the review, and will hate you forever for it, or worse not even take you seriously.

Far too many members fill space by holding down the space bar or slamming on the QWERTY like they were trying to play Fantasie-Impromptu (which I can actually play). It is quite dismaying that after all your hours writing something, that your hard-earned GP is given to some dunce who writes: 'Good job!! I like your submission' and finish the rest of the review with either dsafhjka lhfjkalvn, or..............................................
to fill up space.

Yet for all we may complain, it will hardly stop them from leeching off you, or vice a versa. (Admit it, we, the ones who complain, do it too) And what is really sad to me, is that they, or we cannot even bs a review right.

Fortunately, there is a solution. There are various ways to write a 250 character bull-shit review, and completely fool the recipients into thinking you actually read it!! Not only will the reviewer have a false sense of accomplishment, but also you will be able to leech off GP from more people and not get criticized for it!! And if you are really good, they'd praise you to kingdom come!!

Anyhow, let's start with the first sentence, the most important of them all. Of course, we always want to say 'Good job'!! I liked so-and-so'. Right off the bat, a recipient gets the sense of pride in that someone appreciated their work.

Next thing you would want to do is give a little piece of advice, just any piece of advice that may or may not be truthful of the piece at all. For it to be believable, a reviewer must make that piece of advice very vague and general.

It means the writer cannot prove whether you hadn't just skimmed through the story at some point. For instance, 'not enough description' works on anything, whether it be Interactives, static items, everything except polls. It even works when the story actually does turn out to be highly descriptive. A writer would sound quite unreasonable if he or she asked, 'why is my work not descriptive enough?'

If it is a book, a phrase like 'the paragraphs are spaced either too frequently, or too infrequently' works wonders as well, for during a long novel, a writer is bound at some point to create a paragraph so large, that any dim-wit reviewer can identify to criticize it.

Something that does not work is saying you were confused about a poem without saying where and why, because it will only affirm your stupidity to the writer. They will know you have not taken the time to dissect it.

But no matter what advise one uses, the most important thing is that it takes up characters vital for the completion of your bs review.

Another important aspect for obtaining the necessary characters to work up to that magical two hundred and fifty is to be redundant and make good use of run-on-sentences. Nothing works better than to be able to repeat what you previously said, only using different phrasing however.

It is absolutely vital that one rambles on using long sets of useless yet elaborate adjectives and adverbs so a reader will think you legitimately love or hate their work when in reality, you don't give a damn about how their work was like at all.

For example, do not say, 'I liked your submission', you should say, 'I thoroughly and tremendously enjoyed your clever submission on so-and-so.' Not only will that fill a whole bunch of characters, but the flowery language will again flatter the writer into a heady pride.

One thing that writers never like to hear is that they need to correct their spelling, so as a bs-reviewer, you should stay away from such rhetoric, as it makes them feel dumber than Paris Hilton and probably piss them off. Yes, even if the writer couldn't spell their names to save their life, or if half of it is unreadable, don't make any comment about spelling, especially if you try and nit-pick. (Oh, you spelled 'advise' rather than 'advice'). That kind of thing.

So, you get what I'm saying so far? Start with a 'good job,' make a vague suggestion, and repeat it with big, eloquent, language. Most of the time, that is enough for 250 characters, but a writer still gets suspicious that the reviewer has written only a bare minimum because it is still only 250 words.

Yet there is one thing that will really convince the writer that you read their submission. Include an particular event in that story, or a particular character in the book and recite some opinion on it.

It doesn't have to be completely accurate, or be in line with the story, but make sure the event or the character exists, or that your comment isn't something blatantly idiotic like, 'I think Draco Malfoy is the friendliest kid in all of Hogwarts' cause it ain't true. You'd have to give a long detailed explanation on why you think that, and that's not coherent with the theme of a bs review.

Or, talking about an event that never happened will not trick the writer either; you'd sound really stupid if you said 'It was funny how Harry Potter got killed by the basilisk' since Harry was the one who killed the basilisk.

And lastly, if you get it right, you should have filled up at least 50-100 characters no problem.

So, we have this review, but how shall we end it? There is a way!! To end a bs review, you must emphasize that you liked the work (again, the concept of redundancy is extremely important) and that you look forward to reading more of their work even though all you really want is their GP.

Common phrases that should be used and often flatter the writer include: 'Good luck'. 'Write on' and 'You will be a great writer someday' when your true opinion may be that they'll end up as janitors.

If you use a phrase like that, the writer will believe he or she is special, that this reviewer is their friend who wants them to continue on to improve their writing. Because the thing that writing.com members want the most is reassurance that their piece of work isn't a piece of trash.

But most importantly, when congratulate them on their work, no matter how much the contrary the truth may be, it will encourage them to write more and offer more big GP rewards that you can snatch with a solid bs review.

And just for a bonus, you might also want to include a fancy signature, that further promotes the illusion that you're some serious writer. Pictures of fairies, dragons, unicorns and other fantasy creatures work especially well. You might then assume that making the signauture cursive would further enhance this, but I'd actually advise against that, which brings us back to the fundamental fact.

Remember, we are writing a bs review. One thing to remember is that don't put too much effort into it, or else you might actually end up writing a legitimate review rather than a bs review. If it takes you more than a few minutes to write the review, then you're not doing it right; its all about cranking out the reviews as fast as possible so that you can pile up the maximum amount of GP in a minimum of time.

So, that's how you basically do it. Include all a few of these tips and you should have 250 characters easily. In fact, if you include them all and you'll get a thousand plus characters easily, which is pretty much an unofficial benchmark for a solid review, and as such, you'll actually trick the users into thinking you're this expert reviewer. Now, let the GP's roll in!!

Yet in the end, what writers truly want are reviewers who offer true criticism or praise of their work. In the end, no matter how well you can bs a review, it benefits absolutely nobody, for it is fraudulent and untruthful.

For those who read this critique, I hope you will take all these tips in mind, that if you try it on this piece that you can successfully fool me into thinking that you read this work and my 225 points of GP did not go to waste. But I will feel much happier to receive one that is more than just a hollow 250 words. But if you are able to successfully trick me without me noticing, then you deserve those points. Oh! And be sure to review my other works as well!!

(It would be great if someone could write an article called 'How to shamelessly promote a mediocre submission', but I digress. I think I'm an okay writer.)

So until then, 'Happy reviewing and happy BSing!!'