Another Mother

ANOTHER MOTHER

We can’t pick our family. How many times I have heard that over the years. In a way it is probably a good thing because I would have picked different parents in a heartbeat. They say that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. This is true but it can also mess you up a great deal too.

My childhood after the age of 6 was a mess. My mom had been married to my stepfather for 2 years by then and already the changes were not pretty. Gone was the mom I had had all to myself. Gone were the laughter and the games. Fleeting were the hugs and smiles. In their place came belts and wooden spoons, screams instead of laughter. Then came my brothers and gone was what I had left of my mom. She was always alone, being married to a workaholic will do that. Then we moved into the middle of nowhere, out in the country with no neighbors. I was the oldest and she turned her anger to me.

The beatings continued, sometimes clumps of my hair would be torn by the roots. I was thrown into walls one minute and then she would want to do something with me the next. It continued on this way until I was 15. I was called uncontrollable and put into a group home. It was the best thing that could have happened to me.

In the summer of ’87 I started a new high school. There I met new friends, including the father of my oldest son and I also met his friend, my future husband. While I was dating and later engaged to my sons dad, Steve I was blessed enough to meet his family. Some I liked and some I didn’t, but there was one person I truly loved in his family besides Steve. That person was his mom, Ivy.

Ivy was a wonderful woman. She treated me with such kindness and caring. And even though I was taking her baby boy away, she never made me feel bad for the time we spent together.

There came a time when I moved into her house and I ended up being there off and on for about 2 years. Ivy made me feel like a member of the family. She reminded me of my great grandmother, the kind manner, the gentleness of her, the way she could give this disappointed look and you would do anything possible to erase it from her face. She is small in stature, but what she lacks in height she more than made up for with the size of her heart. I grew to love this woman as a mother. Indeed, she was more of a mother to me than my own was.

I looked forward to the times when I could make some excuse to sit in the kitchen to talk to her. My own family was devoid of affection yet I developed a love for her that would prove to be timeless. My one biggest regret is that I never was able to put into words how I felt. I wasn’t raised to talk about emotions so I didn’t know how. I would just try to be around her whenever possible, just to be near.

I haven’t seen Ivy for about 13 years.So many things have happened. Her son, Steve, and I broke up, she moved up north with her husband, Bill, Steve and I both married other people. Life simply went on. But I always thought of her and I always missed her.

Whenever my son, Matthew, goes to see her and the rest of the family I always send him off with” Say Hi to Grandma Ivy for me” That is all I do. I have wanted to do so much more in the past. Send letters, cards, an email, anything. I never have because I don’t feel comfortable, don’t know if it is appropriate. I was not “family” in the official term. Yet I hold her memory deeply in my heart and my love for her and her son will always be a part of my life.

She helped in large part shape me into the caring mom I am today. My teenage son still says he loves me, wanting to snuggle and talk. If I had followed my own mothers lead it would have been so very different. I am glad for the time I had with her family, it will always be with me.

As another Mother’s Day approaches I think of the 2 mothers in my life. There’s my birth mother, with whom I have a love/hate relationship and my mother-in-law whom I never want to see or be near. I am sure each of them were fine people before life dealt them the hand it did. But I can’t help thinking that if I could choose another mother I would. I would have chosen Ivy. Actually, my heart did that for me, many years ago.

Thank you for everything Ivy. Happy Mother’s Day.