Constant thoughts of lonliness

Darkness, I am so surrounded by it.

I ask myself why. I ask myself what am I doing wrong? I ask myself why do I hurt so. I then start to ask out to any ears who will bare my painfull. Still I get no answer as to why I must hurt so much.

Why must I feel constantly left in the dark? Everyone else lives in the light but me. I only want to at least taste some of what they have. AM I asking too much? I do not think so, but at times I must be, if I am still left in this darkness. Is love not a common thing that everyone deserves to feel or at least experience? If it is so common and supposedly wonderful then am I not deserving of it too? Love does not discriminate does it? Love does not choose who it will make happy and who it will make cry will it?

Oh, this darkness is so dense. I guess I will crawl to my usual corner and continue to pray for it to go away. Am I looking too hard? Am I looking in the wrong direction? Am I not looking enough? What do I have to do to make this pain go away? Nothing anyone says seems to make things better. Pretending I do not feel anything does not work either; in fact, it only makes me hurt more. I am only human, and we all have our faults. Are mine so bad that I deserve to be surrounded in darkness?

I think it is getting cold now...no wait...it is...I can hear the wind. I got nothing on my arms to keep my warm. I hear other things too...voices...Happy ones at that.

I want the people in my life to be happy and experience all of the joy that they can. I do not want them to feel what I feel right now. I only want to experience some of what they have...I am so tired of living here in this darkness. Do I not deserve the joys of the light just as much as the next person?

It is so cold and dark...not mention lonely. I stand up in my corner and try to gain a sense of where I am. I feel that I am lost and have been for quite sometime. I began to cry because I know not what else to do. I fall down to the ground with my right hand across my stomach and my left hand over my eyes. I want to no more pain. This darkness hurts too much.

I huddle back into my corner, hug my legs close to me, and continue to cry. For there is nothing else I can do.


Oh my heart hurts. I think throbbing is more the word actually. If I could burry my heart right now and only hear my mind, things would be going a lot better now or at least I like to think they would. Obviously, my mind has more common sense. Something salty is falling down my face. It will not stop. I cannot go to look in the mirror to see what it is. For then I will see my face and I cannot bear to look at that right now. I do not want to see a woman in so much pain. I do not want to see the face that will stare back at me. I put my hands to my face only to touch tears that will not stop falling. The tears seem to carry a heavy weight with them. Each drop burns my cheek. I look around in darkness only coming to realize that I am still in this dark corner. I have not moved. Shameful is it not? I can still hear my heart in pain. I do not think it will go away any time soon. Where is my Faith? Faith, if it was ever here, walked out on me years ago and never turned back. I think Courage went along with him also. I hope at least one of the two returns. Thinking hurts me. He always seems to hurt me Realizing the real truth about why he does this to me, hurts even more. I cannot ask where Happiness went. He was never here to begin with. Just like Love was never here either. Will they show up? One can only pray. You know they seem so far away, I cannot even feel them. My heart is in terrible pain did I mention that already? It is cliquish of me to say “loneliness is my only friend now." So I will say that the other is my enemy.



Nothing has changed. I still sit here...alone and hurting...why can't this pain go away? What do I have to do to make my pain go away? Why must I constantly feel this way? Why must I always be so alone? Why will no one love me? Is something wrong with me? I am so tired of feeling like this. Why can't my pain go away? Have I done something wrong? Please...someone make this pain in my heart go away...I can't stand it anymore...all I can do is cry. This is all I know how to do. I know nothing else. I have nothing in my heart. I am empty inside. There is a terrible void living inside of me that will not go away. Every day it grows stronger and my heart weaker. Everything hurts. It all hurts too much. Am I alone in this? Why can't the world give me some of the love it gives everyone else. Am I asking too much for just one person to love me? Treat me right? No one is perfect. I am not asking for perfection...just love, nothing more. How long must I feel this way? I can not stand it anymore. How am I supposed to? This hurts too much to even think about baring. Is it not better to have my heart broken ten times fold then to sit here alone? I think so. Anything has to be better than what I am feeling now. I just do not want to be alone anymore. I have never had anyone to love me. I am so empty inside. I feel like no one will ever come. How am I supposed to have hope or faith when I am in so much pain? I do not want to hurt anymore. Why must I be alone in my pain? Why can't someone just take my pain away? Inside I hurt so much. On the outside it is easy to pretend otherwise...although it gets very tiring fast, but this is easier than having someone on my damn back asking me whats wrong and then yelling at me for not feeling better. People expect me to just turn my emotions around like nothing was ever wrong. Hell, I wish life was that easy. Then I would have no pain. Sometimes I think no one understands except God. Everyone around me is not alone. This is why they will never understand what I am going through. Why can't someone care? When is my turn coming? Why am I the odd one out? Why must I be the only one hurting? Do people not understand that it hurts like fucking hell to be around them while they are so damn happy inside and out while quickly I am falling apart day by day? People say, "oh u can always talk to me." But talking does not make my damn heart feel any better. The way I see it is in the end the situation is still the same...I am alone...