Elmer Leemis' Big Day

Elmer Leemis’ Big Day

The sun shone brightly on Elmer Leemis’ big day, the day he was to marry his longtime sweetheart, Harriet Plummer. He was more nervous than he expected he would be. Until today, he had figured: why be nervous? After all, he and Harriet had been seeing each other for the past five years. He knew about her little quirks and idiosyncrasies, and he knew she was aware of his flaws. Boy, did she know; she never let him forget. And, still, they wanted to marry. Or, more precisely, he did. She never did say, one way or the other.

Elmer and Harriet were a study in contrasts. He, short and pudgy, balding and with rounded features that were made less so with a friendly smile that always brightened his entire face. She, taller and thin with sharp features that protruded from her angular face, with thick black hair that was pulled back tightly in a pony tail away from her face that made her features seem even more severe.

Elmer was man of sixty who lived simply. He had many friends in this, the small town that he called home, the town of his birth. But he was lonely, and felt it more deeply, the older he got. He began courting Harriet after they met while shopping at the local grocery store.

He knew all of Harriet’s “funny ways”. He had learned of them early in their courtship. The one thing he never found out was Harriet’s age. In response to the question, she would always reply with a curt, “One never asks a lady her age.” He would always respond to that with a smile, always wanting to answer, but never quite gathering the courage to do so.

Finally, on the eve of their wedding day, as they toasted each other with their glass of wine (OK, it might have been their second or third!), he asked her again about her age. Harriet offered her standard response. Elmer, after a drink or two had raised his level of courage, and with a twinkle in his eyes, teased: “OK, so how old are you?”

Harriet’s eyes flashed icy blue. Without another word, except for a “Harrumph!” she stormed out of Elmer’s house and went home. Elmer’s calls to apologize went unanswered. This was the reason for his nervousness. He was only teasing her, and he knew having a sense of humor was not her strong suit. Had it not been for the false courage of the wine, things would be fine right now. His future happiness was hanging in the balance.

As he combed the remaining few hairs on his head, and slicked them down, he stopped, his hand in mid-air. He thought of Harriet. It was if she were there, right there next to him. “Don’t do that. Fluff your hair up.” He smiled at her imaginary scolding. “Okay, Buttercup, I remember.” He tried to comb is hair, at least the few remaining strands of it, up and across his head, to give him, as Harriet would say, “some height.” “She always hates it when my hair is slicked down,” he thought to himself with a smile. His nervousness overtook him once again, but he straightened his tie, and he comforted himself with the thought that today was his day to begin a life of happiness and security with Harriet. There was no need to be nervous.

Arriving at the church much earlier than he needed to, he stood in the hallway and greeted the guests as they entered the church for the ceremony. It was not lost on the guests that most of them stationed themselves on Elmer’s side of the church. That is, until it was so lopsided that the ushers, at Elmer’s request, began a concerted effort to locate, and in some instances, re-locate, guests to the bride’s side of the aisle.

Time for the ceremony was drawing near, and the organ began playing the music chosen by bride and groom. Finishing the repertoire of songs, the organist began playing “The Wedding March”. On cue, the ushers opened the doors at the back of the church, to make way for the bride to be escorted to the altar and her waiting groom. The plan was flawless, except in its execution: Harriet was not there.

The doors quickly closed, and the organist hurriedly began a second round of the repertoire of music to fill the air and to give Harriet a chance to get to the church. Brides are late sometimes, after all.

At the end of the second repetition, the doors swung wide again, and once again revealing an empty hallway. Instead of strains of music, gasps and whispered comments filled the air.

Elmer ran outside to check if Harriet was perhaps just arriving. Not seeing her, he quickly dialed her house. There was no answer. Several of his friends came over to Elmer to offer what they could as far as explanations, comfort, or just a pat on the back for their buddy.

Rumors were already swirling throughout the church that Harriet had been seen early that very same morning in the area of the train station. Other comments said that Harriet had bought a ticket weeks ago, and never planned to marry Elmer, ever.

His friends encircled him as if to protect him from the hurtful comments on this, Elmer Leemis’ big day; the day his happiness hung in the balance.

Chapter Two
Elmer’s Altar -Ego

Elmer, at first seemed a bit dazed by this unexpected turn of events. Usually a friendly man who could make friends almost upon meeting them, he was shy in front of large crowds. But he knew what he had to do.

He straightened his tie, ran his hand through the strands of hair that he had puffed up earlier, and walked directly towards the pulpit--surely a sign that he was not thinking clearly. Under ordinary circumstances, Elmer would have shied away from the podium.

But he strode purposefully to the microphone. He grabbed the sides of the podium to steady himself as he looked out over the groups of his friends that had formed in pockets, in the aisles and in the pews. He cleared his throat slightly, then again, this time a little louder. It took several more throat clearings for people to start “shush”-ing each other, but soon, complete silence enveloped them all.

“Uhh, friends, I’m so, so sor-ry..” his voice trailed off a bit as it broke with a little bit of emotion. “I don’t know what happened, and I am sorry you all came out for no reason…” he put his head down, and held back the flood of tears that were ready to spill over onto his cheeks.

Elmer slumped slightly and squelched another round of tears, gasping air. Suddenly, he heard a familiar voice say, “Stand up straight! And, for goodness’ sake, stop that infernal snuffing!”

Elmer spun around, fully expecting to see his Buttercup standing behind him. Poor Elmer had no such luck. Harriet was not with him physically, only in memory--the wisdom of her constant carping obviously would stay with him far longer than she had.

Elmer, now jolted into a ramrod straight stance, composed himself per Harriet’s orders, and surveyed the scene. He was miserable, and he was making his friends feel badly, as well. He knew what he had to do. He began to speak again, this time sounding more like the old Elmer his friends loved so much:

“Listen, folks, let’s not make this day together go to waste. After all, the hall and the band are all set and waiting for us. If you’d like to, I’d be most honored if you would go with me to the hall and have dinner with me.”

Chapter 3

Steering Off the Bridal Path


Within the hour, Elmer and his friends had gathered together at the hall that was supposed to have held Elmer and Harriet’s reception, the symbolic beginning of his new life. Instead, it now held the fragments of what he had left of his life--just the truest, most loyal of his friends.

As Elmer greeted each of his friends, he spoke kindly of Harriet, not of the hurt she had caused him.

Ben, his best friend, and his almost-best man at his almost-wedding, pondering whether he should ask the question that was on everyone’s mind.

“Listen, Elmer, you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, and please tell me to mind my own business if I’m talking out of line here, but…what happened? With Harriet, I mean? Did you have any idea this could possibly happen?

Elmer looked at Ben through misty eyes. “It’s OK to ask. You know that.” And then he proceeded to detail what had happened when he asked The Question.

Ben was amazed. She actually got mad that you said that? Was this the first time she reacted like that to something?

“Yeah, it WAS the fir…” Elmer stopped himself in mid-sentence. He had almost forgotten an incident that had happened just a few days before.

He had picked Harriet up and they had gone to dinner. The radio in his car was on the blink, and he had been meaning to get it fixed. On the way home, Harriet had gotten in the car and had reached to turn on the radio. Naturally, nothing happened.

Elmer, again emboldened by a glass of wine at dinner, had quipped, “Honey, listen! They’re playing our song!”

Harriet had not reacted then to Elmer’s ill-timed joke, but, instead sat in stony, icy silence.

Elmer had reached over and tried to smooth things over with another joke: “I’m only kidding you, Buttercup! Why, I know as well as anyone that when they play our song this weekend, they will be playing “Let Me Call You Sweetheart”…’Cause I’ve Called you Everything Else!” Sometimes Elmer’s devilish sense of humor got him in a heck of a lot of trouble; this was one of those times.

By this time, they had reached Harriet’s apartment, and Elmer stopped the car. Harriet pulled her pocketbook close to her, and nearly jumped out of the car. She gave a loud “Harrumph!” before she slammed the car door. She walked briskly towards the building, the chunky heels of her shoes clipping the concrete sidewalk as she disappeared into the night.

Elmer began to get out of the car to follow her, but realizing the futility of doing that, he got back in the car and returned to his house, chastising himself for his foolishness. Oh! The price of getting a laugh! (or trying to) was all he could think about.

It had taken a long phone call the next morning to smooth things over, and things had been better, but still tenuous before the age question had come up last night. At the time, Elmer had simply chalked it up to “just nerves” and his bride’s somewhat unusual personality quirks.

“I guess I was wrong….again” confessed Elmer to his friends. “I’ve made some real blunders in judgment lately.” His friends all attempted to stop him, but it was like throwing a handful of sand against the tide. Once Elmer started on something, there was no turning back.

“I’m just going to go home, and think of what might have been. A man’s fortunes can change in the blink of an eye. This was to be my big day, and look how it turned out..” he blinked back tears and looked at the ground as he made his way back to his car.

“C’mon, Elm, I’ll take you home.” Ben put his hand on Elmer’s shoulder as he guided him towards the door that led to the parking lot. “How about I drive? You take it easy.”

As they got into Elmer’s car, Elmer stared morosely at the non-working radio, the source of all his troubles. Ben noticed his friend’s nearly-catatonic state. He attempted conversation, but after several failed tries, he gave up, and they drove on in silence.

As they drove along, the sign for the local convenience store, the QuikShop, loomed up in front of them. Elmer broke the silence: “Mind if we stop at the store? I don’t have any food in the house…”

Ben pulled into the parking lot; both men got out of the car, and paused before opening the glass door covered in advertisements. One that caught Elmer’s attention was the one with the bold headline, “Make TODAY Your BIG Day! Buy a Lotsa Loot Lottery ticket and win Million$ of Buck$!

“Yeah, Big Day. Sounds like it’s made for me, doesn’t it?” he asked Ben, who looked at his friend but didn’t respond, not knowing what to say.

“C’mon, Buddy, let’s go in.”

Upon entering the store, Elmer systematically went through the various aisles, picking up milk, bread and a few small items for home. As this was supposed to be his departure day for a honeymoon with his Buttercup, Elmer had used all his perishable food during the week to prevent spoilage while he was away. He was always thinking ahead like that, but maybe he was too efficient for his good, at least this one time.

Anyway, he brought the items to the counter, and waited for the total to be tallied.

Behind the counter was George, a large jovial man who would talk to his customers all day long, if they would let him, greeted Elmer.

“OK, let’s see what the damage is..” He rang the prices up on his cash register. Looking up over the brim of his glasses, he leaned on his big beefy hands, a smile spreading over his face. “Must be your lucky day…it hardly ever rings out to an even dollar amount. $9.00, please.”

Elmer did not react to the “lucky day” reference, but instead rifled through his wallet for a ten-dollar bill.

The store owner, looking a little confused, didn’t let a little confusion stop him. He continued: “Here’s your change..want to see if this is your Big Day? I have lottery tickets if you want to find out. A single winner can win millions.” He slid the dollar slowly towards Elmer.

Elmer looked at him, not knowing if the guy was just choosing words that had a second meaning for Elmer, or if he really knew of the day’s events. Elmer studied him briefly, and decided there was no way he could have known about what had just happened to him, and besides, he seemed like too nice of a guy to do anything that hurtful.

“Sure. I’ll take one.” He even managed a weak smile as he added, “The way the day is going, I’ll probably end up owing the state a million bucks.”

“What numbers do you want?”

The only numbers he could come up with were Harriet’s birthday, his birthday, and their respective street numbers. George entered the numbers in the machine, handed it to Elmer as he took the dollar back. “Here ya go. Good Luck!”

Ben patted Elmer on the shoulder, and guided him towards the door. “C’mon Bud, let’s go home”. They turned and said goodbye to George, and headed for the door.

Once outside, Elmer confided in Ben: “I don’t know what came over me. I don’t usually buy a lottery ticket. Well, I guess, it doesn’t matter. Not much matters anymore.” He shook his head slowly, as he got into the passenger side of his car.

Silence fell over the car once again. Neither knew what to say. Even during dinner, conversation was sporadic.

Then at 7:00, the time of the flight that was to jet Elmer and his Buttercup off to their honeymoon, Ben went and turned on the television to distract his friend for at least a few minutes.

“Time for the lottery drawing,” was all he said.

Elmer got up from the table and moved to the easy chair in front of the television. He held the ticket in his hand, but wasn’t interested…he shrugged off the first, and then the second, then the third number. Matching the fourth number did the trick; it piqued his interest. He sat on the edge of the chair, beads of sweat popped on his forehead, and his hands began to tremble. Now, it was five out of five. By this time, Ben had joined Elmer; they stood huddled together, jointly holding the ticket in front of them.

Elmer looked down in sheer disbelief. He had WON! What was it that he had said earlier that day? Oh, yeah.. ‘A man’s fortunes can change in the blink of an eye.’

Elmer blinked several times before he found his voice, “When it comes to women and numbers, boy, I sure can pick ‘em!”