Iz Falling

How do you return to a life you abandoned? my life was perfect at one point. Then it all fell apart. I lost everything and somehow I managed to build it all up again. But I couldn't handle what I had helped create. People started to die agfain and I completely lost it. By the time I found myself I couldn't fix what I had broken inside me. SO I left. I forgot my family, my friends, my entire dysfunctional life. I made myself forget so I could start over. Now, I don't know how to let myself be happy. Whenever something good happens to me I find a way to destroy it. I push people I care about away. I test people, jsut because I can. I find myself hurting myself, for reasons I cannot even begin to determine. I have turned to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, all to take my mid off of something that I am not even sure of is true anymore. I cannot go back, I cannot go forward. I am stuck, and I am losing control.

* * *

I am Isabelle Simmons. I always have been.
My parents are divorced and I live with my mother. I am an only child. I haven't always been.

Family.
It's such a simple concept. Everyone has one.
Whether they are alive, dead, with you, or gone. They exist.
How can something so simple feel so very complex to so many people.

Money.
It is such a simple concept. It exists.
You either have it or you don't, though having it makes living a hell of a lot easier.
Money can buy you material things, verdicts, grades, or a new life. People say that money can buy you happiness, because money cannot buy you love.
So what.
Love is bullshit.

* * *

I almost crash into Becky as I rush through the crowd of students dashing for the exit. We both laugh and mumble a quick "see ya" as we part. The air feels cold on my skin as I make my way out of the crowd. Everyone is rushing to their buses, cars, doing whatever it takes to get out and away from school.
I remove my cell phone from my pocket and peer at the time. It is only 2:03. I have officially been away for twelve hours.
I just couldn't sleep last night. I was tired, I still am, I just could not shake the feelings that I had.
We argued. A real fight. We never fight. Even when we were still together we never argued. I hate fighting with anyone, especially him. The worst part is I cannot even go see him to work it out. He is 3000 miles away.
He freaked out for no reason! He called me a druggie! I am by no means of the definition a druggie! Yes, Saturday my and Anna smoked marijuana, but it was only once. We just wanted to see what was so great about it. Anna didn't like it. I am honestly still not sure how I feel. And because of this, he won't talk to me.

"Mother fu..." I clench my fists and grit my teeth as I hld in the curse. I am brilliant. I smashed my knee on the door of my car the second that I reached it. I barely even remember walking to my car. Once again I had gotten lost in my head.
After I toss my backpack in the backseat I climb into the drivers side and start my car. Anna shoujld be here any second. I try my hardest not to glance in the back. Before he left he gave me his sweatshirt. I am still not sure why. It smells like him.
Well, not him exactly. It smells like cigarettes. He smokes too much. I tell him that all the time. WHenever I smil that smell, it reminds me of him. Right now, that is the last thing that I need.
The sound of Anna openeing the passengers door once again removes me from my thoughts. I smile at her and start my car as she adjusts herself in the seat next to me. My head turns toward the backseat, but I catch meself and begin to drive.
"Want to burn it?" Says Anna, a serious look coming from her newly tanned face.
I laugh lightly and shake my head as if I have no clue what she is talking about, "burn what?"
She rolls her deep blue eyes at me and twists herself around, reaching into the backseat, pulling the sweatshirt forward. She holds it up with a light grin, waving it a bit. "Do not act stupid with me Iz. You were the one who called me last night balling you eyes out because Anthiny is a dick. He is not worth it Iz, you are too good for this. Hell, you are too good for him."
I nodded. I totally agreed with her. I shouldn't let him get to me like this. I just cannot help it. I am still in love with him.