My Testimony

I was raised in a Christian home and I went to church all the time. My up bringing may have been Christian but had some odd twist. There is one I'd like to briefly go over, the church I'd been going to all my life started to become a cult. They were controlling and made my family be dependant on them. It's hard to explain because there are so many factors that are tied into it all. But that is something that still affects my family today. We left that "church" in the summer of 1999. So when I was going into fifth grade, I had to start all new. My mother had decided to home school us 7 kids (all from the same parents and all of us were wanted). But like I said that "church" was manipulative and so besides a few neighbors I was friendless. It took a lot on my part to adjust. But ok, I'm going to speed up a few years.
There comes a point in everyone’s life where they have to choice what path they want to take, what religion, what life style, and everything that is involved in the above. That time came for me the summer of 2004, right before I turned 15. I wasn't an extremely bad kid and I had actually decided to go to public school starting 9th grade. I was an awesome student (3.8 GPA) and I had recently changed churches. But temptation comes when we least expect it. And when I fell, it was a hard and long fall. It came in the shapes and forms of alcohol, some smoking, and of course...a boy. For me, I'd never felt beautiful or even just pretty. I thought that every guy just saw me as a "friend", until I met a guy named Seth. You could say I was a bit desperate and I basically threw myself at him, AT YOUTH GROUP the 1st time I met him. It was last June and when I met him, he seemed cute and nice. But "best" of all he started hitting on me. I was pretty excited and right away (because of the attention I was getting) I liked him. I found out that a small group that I was going to start going to, was the same group he'd been going to for awhile. That only added a new twist. Basically, I stopped listening to the people that had always giving me the best advise, and I said, "I don't care what the hell you say, I'm doing what I want, and you're not telling me otherwise. This guy likes me, and I like him. So stop trying to mess it up for me." But truthfully I messed it up for myself. I started lying to my parents and my best friend. (Whom I had actually led to Christ in the previous years) It was like my own little rebellion. So one thing led to another and I ended up going against all I knew in my heart was right, I said "f*ck you" to everyone I knew. Not in my words, and to their knowledge not even in my actions, but behind the scenes a lot more was going on than what was being told. I figured out how to manipulate my parents, so that I could get what I wanted. To them, I was still sweet and innocent. And yet, I still kept digging my whole deeper. Any chance I got I'd be getting drunk. I started stealing my sister’s cigarettes and when I'd stay at her house I'd get drunk off my ass. Also at that time I started huffing. So, this "good lil kid" was turning into a real jerk. And yet at church I'd still play the cute and innocent girl everyone expected to see. I was started on a road that only spirals down. Yet, anyone that told me I was in the wrong or said that I needed to be honest with them and myself; they'd get blown off and foul mouthed behind the scene. My best friend new that this Seth guy was bad news, but I continued convincing myself that he was a nice guy, the first guy to actually liked me. And I continued telling her that nothing was wrong. And I never got caught when I'd be on the phone with Seth until 2, 3, and even 5 in the morning. I was living a double life. It got to the point that, I was going on a mission trip, and 6 or 7 days before a left I was getting drunk with my friend. I got caught by my sister (Whom at the time wasn't following God either) and she blew up. I just called her a hypocrite. But there was something she said that hit hard she said, "You may call me a hypocrite for getting on your case when I am doing the same thing, but at least I'm not hiding it. I know I'm not following God and so does everyone else, you on the other hand are living a double life, you're going on a God d*mned mission trip in a week yet you sit here and think it's funny as you get drunk off your ass. IT'S NOT FUNNY." At that she took the alcohol and smashed the bottle. I was angry for a second, until I started to see that she was right. But I still wasn't ready to give up my double life. I still wanted my fun. But as I look back, it wasn't fun. And although God has used it to change me more than ever, it was one of the most painful experiences. I almost dropped out of going to the mission trip, I felt like a liar and a thief (taking the donations people had giving me in support for the mission trip). But God knew what was best, because on that mission trip I went face to face with what I was really doing, the choices I had made and if I didn't change, would continue making. I thought about my mom and my best friends. I felt so guilty and so horrible; I knew then that I needed God. I couldn't make the right choices on my own, I realized I needed forgiveness and I needed to change. It took quite a bit of time for me to finally confess to a dear friend that was a leader on the mission trip. But God gave me the courage and once I finally was completely honest, for the first time in months, such a weight was lifted. I still had my other best friend to tell, and I was so certain that I was not going to tell my mom. I thought, at least I'll be honest with myself, God, and my friends. (I thought it'd hurt my mom and dad too much) That was the day that I made the choice to change, I decided that no matter what I faced I could no longer ignore God or the people He'd placed in my life. So after that amazing time in the Dominican Republic I finally came home. That was when the rubber hit the rode, when I had to start making choices for God, not against Him. I told my best friend all that had happened with Seth (she already knew about the alcohol, the smoking, and the huffing). She took it better than expected, but was still hurt. She ended up telling me that she'd suspected that Seth and me weren't being pure before God. But she hadn't known what to do to stop it. Truthfully there wasn't anything she could've done. I was going to make my choices, and I had to learn my lesson. My mom eventually found out through my poetry. I'm a poet and what I feel inside comes out in what I write, so when I was feeling hard on myself, I'd write about what I'd done. Anyway, it was actually months after that she'd found out, she was up set but very understanding. Finally I was being honest with everyone. It is so hard to try and live a double life because they start to get mixed and muddled. And now I felt clean. So you may wonder, what did you do about Seth? Well, it took me a year to completely forgive him and myself. While everything was going on he'd been really hurtful and pushy. Truthfully I have no idea why I chose him. All I can say is that we were not meant to be together but God knew that I needed Seth to show me some things about myself that I refused to see. I know for a fact that if I'd been pure before God and that if I'd gone about things differently with Seth that half the pain and half the sin I went through would've never happened. Just the other day I realized something. It didn't matter that it was Seth; I could've been any boy. He may have problems, but he wasn't THE problem. The fault lied within myself. I would've done the same thing, or something similar if it were anyone else. So although, yes he was partly to blame for what we did, I wouldn't have cared who it was. I was determined to do what I wanted, and I'm thankful to God that I learned how much I need Him now. Because if I hadn't learned that lesson when I did, the outcome would probably have been very different. I might have even ended up pregnant or something. I had received forgiveness from everyone and anyone that knew and I'd forgiven Seth for the hurtful things he'd said or done along the way, but the hardest person to receive forgiveness from or give it to, was myself. I had hated myself for a long time after that. Sometimes I struggle with it to this day. And there isn't a lot I can advise about how you forgive yourself. It's hard and it takes time. But one thing that I had constantly in the back of my mind, even if no one else forgave me the Maker of the world my God, He's forgiven me, so I should too. That summer, last summer, I learned the value of forgiveness, honesty, and integrity. They are all things that I will take with me the rest of my life. I still struggle from time to time. This year has brought a lot more challenges that were hard to face. And sometimes I just wished to die, but if you ask God to make you stronger do you know what He gives you? He sends you challenges, so that in the end you will be stronger. God will never bring you to something that you can't face. It's your choice if you'll make it through. If He brought you to it, He'll bring you through it.

Your sister in Christ,
Christine C.