My Son is An Addict, Part II, Relapse

Relapse

Just a month into treatment and David admits he has relapsed already. In fact, he smoked dope a week before he told his group about it. Part of the commitment he made in treatment was that if he relapses, he has to talk about it, tell his parents, and do some extra meetings – including a ‘relapse’ meeting.

I know it was difficult for him to admit something like that. Part of me is glad he came clean with it. I had just sat in the multi-family meeting the night before talking about how proud I was that he had a month clean. It probably weighed on his mind until he admitted the truth. I have told him before that 'AA and NA will mess up your drinking.'

While I am glad he admitted the truth, “To Thine Own Self Be True” is a common AA saying, I am disappointed and angry.

I am disappointed that he didn’t even make it a month.

I am angry at him for lying about what he was doing when he was getting high. I had trusted him and taken him and a friend to an area where they wanted to skateboard. I don’t know whether it was planned or not, but they hooked up with someone who lived in the neighborhood and got a 20 bag. Not only did he relapse, but he sold the remaining amount to his step-sister Brittany for 20 dollars.

I don’t know if I am madder at him for selling it to her, or her for getting took like that, let alone using the dope. Of course, we came down hard on Brittany. She has lost all her privileges, including her new cell phone, for a month - almost half the summer.

Brittany has a lot of self-esteem issues, which is another chapter in our merging family. She grew up living with Rob and her mother’s mother, who raised her. Brittany’s mother never wanted to be a mother, nicely put. She has always been in the area, until recently, but only came around when it was convenient, or when there was melodrama, which she loves to create and then feed off like a pirranha. Needless to say, Brittany has had very few healthy female role models. In addition, when Rob moved out of that house a few years ago into a place of his own, she became extremely angry and defiant with him. She refused to move with him, even to see him or talk to him. I had dated Rob almost 2 years before I met her.

Once Brittany met us, she almost immediately moved in. My two kids have felt a little invaded, but for the most part, have done okay with the changes. Brittany, however, exhibits a lot of questionable behavior with the boys in the neighborhood. I am worried that she is too advanced sexually for her age. At thirteen, she was making out with a boy in front of her father. I was shocked, and looked to Rob to stop it immediately. But, I don’t think that Rob was equipped for this father-daughter scenario – he just didn’t know what to do. I had to make Rob stop them and have a serious talk with Brittany that we have revisited several times since. I couldn’t believe he didn’t know what to do.

In addition, Brittany creates small lies constantly in an effort to fit in. One of the things she kept mentioning to her new community of friends was the drugs she had done; that she had already had sex; that she sometimes skipped school. None of these things are true, and we call her on the lying whenever we catch her.

The counseling we started her in a few months ago was not successful. Without someone to counter her, or at least bring up the specific behaviors, a therapist will believe anything that Brittany says, so the therapist told us she was normal, without any big issues. I completely disagree. I believe she bought the dope from David so she could actually be telling the truth – instead of stopping the stories. It’s very twisted, I know, but that is how my mind works.

I didn’t know what punishment to mete out to David. I’ve been attending these Family Anonymous meetings, where I learn from other parents and from the literature that punishment and dominance is not the answer with an addict. Dammit. I sit quietly and listen, when I am screaming inside that “I’M HIS MOTHER. HE’S 14! OF COURSE I CAN CONTROL HIM!” I drove him to the 7-11 where he made his connection. He bought the dope with money he earned working for Rob. I allowed him to go skateboarding with a friend of his that I have many concerns about. I kept thinking that if I had stopped any of those things, that I could have stopped him from relapsing.

This week the people at my AA meeting reminded me that I might have delayed his relapse, but I could not have prevented it. One by one they went around the room relaying their own experiences. Most of us started in the pre-teen and early teen years. “Got the Fever,” one guy proclaimed, “The Irish Fever.” He reminded me that a battle of the wills usually turns out to a battle of the wont’s.

Nearly everyone shared some period of time as a teenager when they were out of control and their parents’ reactions. 100% of the time, the parents’ actions had no influence on the addict. “Take care of yourself,” they said. “It’s not about him finding peace, it’s about you finding peace.” "You are not the only one with a Higher Power. He has one too."

Whew.

Ultimately, I decided to let David’s treatment program and his therapist there take care of meting out whatever consequences would come from his relapse. I know from my own experience that we punish ourselves with the shame of drinking and using when we don’t want to.

It’s the most difficult thing I have had to do so far in this process; watch him go through this pain and I can’t put my hand out to stop him. I can only put my hand out to walk through it with him.