Unaddressed Fears Eat My Soul

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #358828 by Not Available.

I was reading another authors blog and came a cross a piece that really touched home. I have some major issues with not dealing with things in the right way. Some behaviors were learned as I grew up. Fear and self preservation are very powerful things that can mold and change your life forever! Most emotions (sadness, anger, grief etc.) stem from fear. I have many fears that have been buried and pushed aside in my attempt to “survive”. The way I have dealt with fears has me and my life unpleasant and I want to change it now! Admitting you have a problem is the first step. This is how it all started:

I had a very crazy childhood that was seasoned with abuse, addiction and codependency. Somehow I came out still breathing and somewhat sane. I made myself a promise that I would never make the mistakes my parents made, that I would never put any child of mine through what I went through and that I would do something positive with my life to help others.

I have gone radically in the opposite direction of my parents on many things such as drugs, drinking and protecting/ defending myself. In my quest to not make their mistakes I have forged all new territory but I do not truly think I am much better off than they were.

My mother is so naïve and trusting. She allowed herself to fall for the wrong men time after time, she allowed herself to fully depend on them and she lost herself every time. This brought physical abuse to our family, drug addiction and sexual dysfunction/ abuse. Despite the bad situations both of her marriages lasted so long (11 & 8yrs.) because she had lost herself and her independence.

I think about our past everyday and I am always trying to not make the same mistakes. I am so scared to loose myself in a man so I close myself off. I have someone I can trust and depend on but it is to scary to surrender my whole self to him. I cannot loose my independence and strength because I may need it later when things don’t work out. I guess in reality my head thinks he trustworthy and safe for me but my heart reminds me he is a man and all me have let me down and caused pain. I want so desperately to be open and free to feel love. My unaddressed fears are holing me back!