Hello Billy

Hello Billy
By: Vincent Cheng




Fred woke up and stretched luxuriously, yawning away his lethargy. Briskly he showered, put on his comfiest clothes and went downstairs. Fred was just your average suburban dweller, with a cheerful attitude, always looking his neatest. Happily he set his table for breakfast and opened the blinds gazing effervescently at the golden sun and cloudless sky.
Then the ringing. Always came the ringing. Fred went to the door slowly, jaws clenched in tension, with hands curled up into fists. Quickly he swung it open, casting his tall shadow on the plump freckled boy beneath him.
“Hello Billy!” he said, forcing a smile upon his face.
“Salutations, mister! I got your mail here and gee whiz am I pooped”
Fred nodded as if acknowledging the boy’s horrible stab at poop humor. Fred hated poop humor. Fred quickly snatched away the mail and began to leave.
“Wait mister! Aren’t you forgetting something?”
Fred stopped dead in his tracks and lowered his head, trying to force another phony smile onto his face. Fred turned around, his white teeth gleaming brightly in the sun. Fred took out his wallet and took out a $5 dollar bill the handed it to the boy, his hand shaking.
“Gee, thanks, mister!”
Fred further stretched his smile. Then the door slammed shut.




Fred woke up and stretched luxuriously, yawning away his lethargy. Briskly he showered put on his comfiest clothes and went downstairs. Happily he set the table for breakfast and opened the blinds gazing effervescently at the golden sun and cloudless sky.
Then the ringing. Fred’s eyes lowered to slits. This had to stop. Always with the dreaded ringing, always RUINING HIS MORNINGS. Fred went to the door, slowly, his hand on his wallet, knowing what would happen, knowing what the boy would always make him do.
“Hello Billy!” he said forcing a smile upon his face.
“Salutations, mister! I got mail right here and gee whiz am I fecal matter-d!”
Fred nodded as if acknowledging the boy’s horrible stab at poop humor. Fred hated poop humor. Quickly now, faster then before, then ever, he snatched the mail and began to back away.
“Wait mister! Aren’t you forgetting something?”
Fred continued to walk, not turning around.
“Oh, Fred. I’m sure you won’t want to forget!”
Fred continued to walk, gripping the mail. The boy stepped into the house now, grabbing at Fred’s shirt, tears spilling from his lard filled face and soaking into his abundant waves of flesh. Fred pushed the boy aside. The boy leapt back up pounding on Fred’s back. The boy could taste Fred’s hate, and feel the anger burning from him. Fred could smell the hideous perspiration induced stench radiating from the pits of the boy forcing its way up Fred’s nose, causing bile to build up in his throat.
“OKAY!” Fred cast the boy off of his back. As he landed the boy bounced twice before skidding across Fred’s finely washed linoleum floor.
Fred gave the boy the five dollar bill.
“Gee, thanks, mister!”



Fred woke up and stretched luxuriously, yawning away his lethargy. Briskly he showered and put on his comfiest clothes and went downstairs. Happily he set his table for breakfast and opened the blinds gazing effervescently at the golden sun and cloudless sky. Then the ringing. Fred smiled genuinely, pure bliss bursting through every pore in his body. Happily he opened the door.
“Hello, Billy!” he said as always.
“Salutations, mister! I got your mail here and gee whiz am I brown-chunk-of-turgid-material-containing-nutrients-and-otherwise-unhealthy-material-expelled-in-order-to-keep-humans-alived! ”
Fred laughed cheerfully and took the mail.
“Oh!” Exclaimed Fred,” Here’s your tip!” Fred handed Billy a twenty dollar bill.
“Gee, thanks, mister!”
“Goodbye, Billy,” said Fred, smiling pleasantly as he closed the door. Two seconds later there was an explosion.

Fred’s smile widened.