ten 'o' clock news

“ My name, sir, is the Duke of Relington! Now what do you have to say to that, Pig!”
“ Sir, please put your hands on your head…”
“ The Duke Of Relington bows for no man!”
“ Sir, if I have to use force, understand I am not liable for any damages you sustain during the process?”
“ Draw your sword, knave! And let us see who has the bigger bollocks!”
“ Alright, but you insisted.”
“ OW!”
“ Yes, are you ready to comply now that you've met a taser?"
“ Ay! You devilish wizard! What sorcery is that, shooting invisible bolts of pain into my virgin being?”
“ Dear god, and they wonder where police brutality comes from!”
“ Confounded bastard! Feel the sting of my whipping blade!”
“ This would be hilarious if your holy scourge weren’t your genitalia.”
“ Haha! I draw first blood!”
“ You sick son of a bitch! You peed on me!”
“ Ha! You concede, you yellow bellied bitch? I thought so!”
“ Sir… I’m going to ask you one more time, please, put your hands on your head, and get in the car.”
“ Car? What new trickery is this? My god, the sirens of hell! May this next blow ring true for Christ and all his minions!”
“ You idiot, I’m a Christian.”
“ ER!”
“ Alright, unlock your teeth from my wind shield wipers and lets go.”
“ ERRRRRRR!!!”
“ Ever seen the holy night stick before?”
“ Bah! What foolish man would fight with a wooden mace?”
“ (whomp!) it’s a plastic metal alloy, asshole.”
“ Ayyyy! A cunning blow, but deceptive!”
“ Get in the fucking car!”
“ Fool! That’s the belly of Satan!”
“ (whomp!) Nobody calls my car the belly of satan! This is as nice as a Porche!”
“ oh lord, please, send an angel down to smite this fiend!”
“ Oh stick with your act, are you a priest or a knight, you little shit!”
“ Lo! Those heavenly lights! From where is there source?”
“ Oh dear god no….”
“ Aha! Now the sinner runs to gods arms in hope of salvation!”
“ Reporters, why so many, why?”
“ Grovel to the lord! It will do you know good! He is incapable of pitying even you!”
“ No, I… I was attacked! He attacked me! what? How much did you see? Oh Jesus…
“ Pig! Pray no more to a god that cares not for you! You are destined to the ax mens block!”
“ No! I didn’t beat him! wait, no, it was provoked! Jesus Christ(sobs)!”
“ Unholy swine! Take not the lords name in vain!”
“ Augh! No! god, what did you throw on me? why you little-“

shot to two grinning anchormen, Allen, Cole.
Allen: This is channel four new, traffic on the east bridge is at a crawl, right now folks, ah… from the sounds of it, a naked man wearing a cape and crown threw his own feces at a police officer trying to arrest him.
Cole: (polite laughter) ah yes, reminds me of my bachelor party.
Allen: (also polite laughter) oh yes indeed(turning back to camera) next up, Catherine O’ Conners with her latest study showing ten clues to finding out whether your computer is homosexual or not, all this, right here at the ten ‘o’ clock news.