The Dispose-all 5000

Gertrude, Gertie as she was called, and Harry met in their sophomore year in college when they bumped into each other at the campus library. They both reached for the same book and Harry agreed to let Gertie check it out first if she agreed to have coffee with him. Coffee turned into lunch, which turned into dinner, which turned into the rest of their lives together. In the beginning nothing could keep them apart. When they gazed into each other's eyes it was like time stood still. And over the years that felt like a never ending sentence on death row for Harry. When Harry looked at Gertie now all he saw was a pretentious nag. He often pondered where his sweet book nerd has gone. Or was he finally seeing through her veil of vanity. One that he was certain mush have been granted by the devil himself so she could do his evil bidding. You see, If you looked up the word average in the dictionary you would find a picture of Harry Trimm. In his mid-forties sporting a bald spot larger than he liked to believe and a spare tire to boot. He toiled away his life as an internal salesman selling toilets to businesses and hospitals. Talk about your crappy job, but hey at least the pay was inadequate too.

On the bright side of things, Harry’s wife made his life a living Hell. Harry was the sole provider in the family and he worked 70 hour weeks just to make ends meat. Gertie would spend Harry's paychecks faster than water could drain out of a bucket with a hole in the side. When asked if she worked, Gertie would respond by saying, “My job is to run the house”. The problem with this was she rarely cooked or cleaned and Harry’s suits always looked like he slept in them.

Harry and Gertie lived in a tiny house that needed more repairs than he could count and the mortgage wouldn’t be paid off for another ten years. They lived in a speck of a town in the Midwest where there was no real form of entertainment. The movie theater was rundown and they only showed C-list movies that did terrible even overseas. All the lanes in the bowling alley were warped and no matter how hard you tried, making a spare was impossible. To put it in the simplest terms, there was no escape or release from the pressures of life. There was no fun in the town and the most exciting thing to happen in the last twenty years was when the roads were repaved. That is until the Dispose-all 5000 arrived.

~~~~~~~

It was a crisp fall afternoon when Mr. Black blew into town. He was a traveling salesman who wore a discounted suit and always had a day and a half worth of stubble on his face. The smell of cheap cologne and cigars followed him wherever he went like the trail of bread crumbs left on the ground by Hansel and Gretel.

At first glance, you would think that no one would ever buy anything from Mr. Black. But he had a way about him that made people listen when he spoke. And if he got you to listen, then he knew he had the sale. Black showed up on Harry’s doorstep at the most convenient of times. It was Sunday, which is a day of rest for most people but for Harry it was another day in prison. Instead of watching the game on a big screen TV, Harry was forced to watch the home shopping network on an 18” black and white set. His wife refused to let him upgrade their ancient floor model television.

Harry heard the knock on the door and didn’t even look in his wife’s direction. There was no way she was going to budge from the couch or her third pack of Marlboros today. Harry opened the door and there stood Mr. Black. He had a presence about him that kept Harry from slamming the door in his face.

“Good afternoon sir. Have I got something to show you! May I come in?” And before Harry could close the door, Black was already slithering down the hall towards the kitchen. Though the hunched over figure engaged in a coughing fit he managed to utter, “Let me begin by saying you have a lovely home.”

Harry knew he was full of shit now because there was nothing lovely about his home. Despite this undeniable fact, and the fact that Mr. Black was huffing and puffing like he was about to drop dead, Harry let him continue his pitch. Maybe it was that Harry was a salesman too, but for reasons he couldn’t verbalize, he wanted to hear what this man had to offer.

Mr. Black cleared his throat and began to speak with the velvety smoothness of Mel Torme. Black had given his spiel so many times that he could wax poetically without even trying. But as the dissertation went on something began to change in the snake oil proprietor. Mr. Black's spine straightened giving him the stature of a much grander man than his 5’5” height would project.

“Now what I have to show you will change your life forever. This is the Dispose-all 5000! It is the top of the line garbage disposal on the market. It has diamond encrusted blades that never dull or break. It runs quieter than a mouse sneaking across the floor but it has the power of a wrecking ball.” Harry’s eyes lit up with a ray of hope and he inhaled the possibility of joy in his life. A despicable grin formed on the face of Black for he knew Harry was sold.

“Don’t you be giving my money away to no crooked door-to-door salesman?” Gertie bellowed from a cloud of smoke emanating from the living room.

Harry’s shoulders dropped as if the last bit of life he had was released with a sigh. Black was quick to revive the tormented soul. “Did I mention the best feature? It can grind up ANYTHING!” As Black enunciated this last word, he shifted his eyes towards the miserable pile of tar and bon bons that sat in the other room. As he expected, Harry’s gaze followed him and locked on the source of decades of misery.

“I don’t think I can afford a thing like this.”

“I haven’t even told you the price yet. In fact, because I like you I am prepared to let you have the Dispose-all 5000 on a trial basis.”

Harry’s gaze expressed the hesitation he felt, “What do you mean by trial basis?”

Black’s devilish smile grew greater as he responded, “I will let you use the Dispose-all 5000 for a week. When I come back if you aren’t 100 % satisfied, there will be no charge. On the other hand, when you tell me how happy this device has made you then we will haggle over the price. Do we have a deal?”

“…Well…it sounds… like a good deal but... Maybe I should check with my wife first?”

“A man with your intelligence knows a great deal when he sees it. You don’t need anyone to tell you it's okay. Besides this is just a trial basis remember.”
“Harry? You still messin with that feller?”, the battle ax bellowed.

Harry gritted his jaw closed to keep from yelling profanities in front of a stranger. “You have a deal. Just tell me what to do.” Harry said with exuberance.

“Excelllllent. All you have to do is sign this contract and I can install the Dispose-all 5000.” Harry signed without even glancing at the form and Mr. Black tucked it away in his briefcase with a chuckle under his breath.

Installation took a matter of moments and Harry’s face had the look of a boy on Christmas morning. It was that antsy anticipation that a child holds in while waiting to play with his new toys. Mr. Black headed for the door and departed with a last bit of wisdom, “Go nuts with it. Let your imagination run wild. I PROMISE the Dispose-all 5000 will dispense ANYTHING you put in it.”

~~~~~~~

Harry started small. He took several items from the refrigerator and fed them to the machine. Then he removed a roast from the freezer. The disposal swallowed the solid chunk of meat as if it was liquid. Harry started to chuckle and a genuine smile rose on his face. A smile he had failed to use since his wedding date. He grabbed some small tree branches from the back yard and the Dispose-all dismissed them as nothing more than a few woodchips. Then before he could further his enjoyment Harry’s wife piped in, “You better not have bought anything from that crook.”

A wave of despair flooded through Harry’s body at the sound of the old ball and chain. But instead of gloom, Harry was overcome by anger and hate. There was no way he was going to let her steal his bliss again. He took a butcher’s knife from the drawer and walked into the living room. His wife was still babbling faster than a chipmunk on a caffeine rush but his ire tuned out her voice. The old crow’s persistent squawking didn’t skip a beat as Harry plunged the knife into her chest causing her to sit up right and gasp for air. Before he knew it, Harry had removed and reinserted the blade a dozen times. The screeching voice gurgled and fell silent. There was blood all over the couch and it pooled into a puddle, which surrounded his wife’s lifeless body. Harry didn’t react or show any emotion. He never glanced at the body or bothered to check the pulse. He just turned off the television, took a shower, and went to bed.

In the morning, Harry called in sick for the first time in his life. His face slowly sagged as the reality of his actions sank in. That was until he caught a glimpse of the nag. Even in silent slumber, her face could suck the marrow from a person’s soul. As he glared at her, rage gushed from every pore in his body as her nasal draining voice rang in his ears. “Look at the mess you made. If you think I’m cleaning up this sty you have another thing coming”. Harry was certain his head would explode.

Until…that is, he heard the calming voice of Mr. Black. “Remember the 5000 will dispense of ANYTHING you put into it.” Harry changed into his yard clothes and charged into the living room with a purpose. Before he knew it, the hatchet from the shed had hacked up Gertie's body. Parts were stacked on the kitchen counter as flipping the switch revved the Dispose – all alive. Harry wanted to start small so he chopped the digits off each hand and foot. He dropped the fingers and toes one by one into the black abyss of the sink. The blades shredded the flesh and bones with a subtle crunching sound. By the time the last little piggy went wee wee wee there was a change in Harry. He felt spry and began chuckling. The Dispose-all 5000 kept chewing as each limb was fed into the monster. Perspiration beaded on Harry’s forehead and a lump of panic swelled up in his throat when he saw puffs of smoke rise like signals on an Indian reservation. Harry was about to flick the switch off when an all too familiar voice flooded his head.

"Do you smell that Harry? Let your nose bask in your freedom”. Harry sniffed the stale air in the kitchen. On a normal day the kitchen smelled like old grease and out of date food. However, today was no ordinary day. Today the kitchen was engulfed with an aroma of fresh baked cookies. This reaffirmed that what he was doing was okay. It had to be or it wouldn't smell so sweet. Right? Harry started to panic again when it came to the torso of his former bride. Harry stated the obvious question outload even though there was no one to hear his quandary. " How in the world is that going to fit in the Dispose - all 5000?". And just like that the mouth of the unit opened wider that a boa constrictor who unhinges his jaw to swallow his prey whole. It gnarled and grinded the body with the greatest of ease. Last but not least was Gertie's head. Harry held it in his hands for a moment staring into the blue eyes that once entranced him. Then he fake dribbled it like a basketball, took a half step back, and launched a 10 footer from the other side of the kitchen table. Swoosh! Nothing but net! The Dispose-all churned through it without question and gave a polite belch of approval once his meal was complete.

Before Harry knew it the morning had passed and realized he was famished. He washed his hands, fixed a turkey on rye, stale chips, and a lone can of Bud in the back of the refrigerator that he saved for just such occasions as today. Harry sat on the couch just as the Sportscenter. Harry dove into the sandwich as if he hadn’t eaten in years. In a way he figured that it was a fair statement since he couldn’t remember the last time his wife cooked. He savored every bite as the announcers babbled on about the previous nights' games and what was on the horizon to come. As he drifted in and out of a food coma, Harry reflected on his new toy. No matter what size appendage Harry fed to the Dispose–all 5000 it would swallow it whole. He was amazed at how the drain would widen or change shape to accommodate its meal. And up until now his thinking or lack thereof had only caused him mild trouble. After all, no one knew what he had done to Gertie. He could tell everyone that she had left during the night and never returned. Harry was certain he could convince the authorities. The problem with this train of thought was that it was leading Harry on an even darker track. This bleak fork of thought led to the deepest part of his mind. This sinister path would make the strongest of fortitudes go weak in the knees. It leads to all the painful memories. Every time he had been scared, disappointed or hurt. Harry, like all the men in his family, bottled up his feelings and this was a major factor in the wuss he was today.

So as he contemplated what could be done with the Dispose-all 5000 Harry’s imagination began slow. That is until the voice of Mr. Black returned.

“Don’t be frightened Harry. The Dispose – all 5000 can protect you. It can even help you exact revenge.”

“But I don’t want revenge on anyone.” Harry spoke into the empty room.

“Wouldn’t you love to get even with ALL the people who hurt you over the years? Just think about how better the world would be if you DISPOSED of those bad seeds.” Mr. Black’s voice piped back.

“I just don’t know if it would be right for me to judge them.”

"Geez what a wuss", Black's voice whispered.

"Did you say something", Harry questioned the imaginary voice.

" Don't worry about it. Look! Was it right how your wife forced you to remain at a job that made you miserable? Or what about that pathetic boss of yours? You can’t tell me he doesn’t deserve some home grown justice. And think of the paperboy who always tosses your newspaper in the sprinkler.”

“Now I know I could never hurt a kid.”

“That punk is going to grow up to be a serial killer if he isn’t stopped now.”

“How in the Hell can you know something like that?” Harry questioned the nonexistent voice.

Black paused before answering this last question. “Let’s just say that I have the gift to see who is good in the world and, more important, who the wicked souls are. After all, how do you think I came to be at your stoop yesterday? It was no accident."

“Wait? Are you saying I'm one of the good ones or the wicked?"

"HAHAHA. Do you really want me to answer that? Look at it this way, you could help the world be a better place if you eliminated these evil people.”

"When you put it like that…I guess I have an obligation.”

Harry could feel the wheels turning in his head as the list began to take shape. The wife had been number 1 on his list so Harry felt good about starting at the top. Harry was stumped for a brief moment and then the names came rolling off his tongue. His boss for sure, the paperboy who ALWAYS tossed the paper in the sprinklers, the guy who takes too long at the ATM machine, ALL the women who try to drive while talking on the phone and putting on make-up, etc.…Yeah, this list was shaping up to rival Santa's naughty list. Harry felt his skin getting warmer and his blood beginning to boil. He wasn’t angry at all these people. He was thrilled at the thought of ridding the world of these pests. Then Harry felt the hatred he had been bottling up inside explode. The cork popped and Harry found himself chuckling in a sinister laugh.

The demonic voice of Mr. Black echoed through Harry’s mind once again, “Yes! Yes! End the miserable lives of those on your list. Kill them all and bring me their souls.”

Something about the way the voice bellowed sent shivers up Harry's spine. “Wait a minute! I’m not a killer. I can’t do this.” Harry felt like he was entangled in a spider's web and began flailing his arms around his head and face. As he gawked at the blood stained sink and counter, Harry's eyes grew to the size of a night owl’s. How could he have not seen the mess before now? Harry wasn’t sure but he knew that he had to end this madness.

Harry flipped the power switch to the off position and dropped his knife into the sink with a clank. The Dispose-all 5000's switch clicked back on without being touched. Harry tried again but once more it roared to life on it's own. This dance of control went back and forth until Harry yanked the transformer from the electrical outlet but this didn't phase the evil that possessed the kitchen appliance. For this unit ran off hate and anger and this poor soul was brimming with both. Harry was about to step back when his wife’s pudgy hand and arm came crawling up from the drain. He tried to scream but the anxiety transformed him into a mute. The hacked up limb launched itself and landed on his shirt. He tried swatting it away but the appendage’s grip tightened. The extremity’s dangling nerves stretched towards the drain. They clamped onto the rim and the hand began to pull Harry down. He tried to resist but was flabbergasted at the force with which the hand tugged. Harry started to shriek and the dispose-all roared louder for its next sacrifice.

“I’m a good person! This can’t be happening to me!” Harry exclaimed to no one.

“But you’re not a good person Harry.” declared Mr. Black’s voice. The voice projected from deep in the drain. “If you were good you would not have killed your wife. You would have treated her better all these years.”

“It was an accident. I wasn't in my right mind.” Harry tried to rationalize.

“I beg to differ. Your heart does not deceive. The only way for you to think such evil thoughts is if they are in your soul. "

"It was the Dispose-all 5000. I will give it back. You said this was a trial."

"Give it back? Ha! You should have read the fine print. No one ever reads the fine print. You signed a contract that says the moment it is used on another human the return warranty is violated and thus null and void. I'm gonna drag you into hell where your evilness will burn. Fueling my army of sinners for eternity.”

“I’m not evil. I’m not evil. I’m not evil.” Harry repeated over and over.

Then he was startled yet again, as if his heart could take anymore stress, but this time it was his wife’s dismembered head that did the talking. And all it kept saying was…Harry, Harry, and Harry…over and over and over.

Church bells rang in his head so loud that he was certain his skull was going to crack open and ooze what little brains he had down the front of his shirt. Harry closed his eyes tighter than a frogs butthole in water. And just when he felt his head was about to explode Harry blacked out. When consciousness returned there was nothing but a black void. The noises around him were muted. Harry's first thought was, "Not only am I going insane but I'm blind and deaf too. Can this day really get any worse?".

After a few moments, Harry's sight began to return. It started with the peripheral and widened from there. A feeling of tranquility began to grow. First as a small seed in the depth of his heart. Then it washed over his entire body like the freshness of a filed of country flowers after a springtime rain. As his senses returned a light began to illuminate the room. The intensity grew until it was all encompassing. A soft angelic voice pierced through the silence. “It’s never too late Harry. The real you is still locked inside. Break him out of this prison.” And with that Harry knew that he was saved.

Harry was sitting in his recliner drenched in sweat; the TV was tuned to an evangelist declaring, “Your soul will not be safe without the Lord. If you believe in The Almighty and trust his vision then all you will see is the beauty that surrounds you”. He began to look around the room in awe. How did this guy know that his mind had been clouded all this time. Harry remembered why they had bought this place. First it was what they could afford. But it was the warmth and feeling of home that drew them too it. Harry's gaze drifted at his wife napping on the couch and slightly snoring if he was being honest. Harry thought she had never looked more beautiful. His heart was filled with peace and joy until he heard the faint ringing of the doorbell. His wife startled from her slumber and he heard that soft angelic voice again.

“Harry? Would you mind getting the door?”

Harry looked between the door and the vision that was his wife. He couldn’t explain how she was so different from just a short time ago. Or maybe it was him who had changed during that time.

“Harry? Are you okay dear? Do you want me to get the door instead?”

“No, I’m fine dear. I’m sure it’s one of the sleazy door to door salesmen. And Heaven knows we don’t need their snake oil items.”

“You are so right. My friend Marci was just telling me how this fella was tryin’ to sell her some fancy garbage disposal. Claimed it could get rid of everything. Offered her a 2 for 1 deal. Marci said we could have the other one. Now what did she call it? The Dispose of all something? The 500? No, I remember. The Dispose-all 5000! ”

Harry’s eyes bugged out of his head. He sprung from the recliner and slid across the floor in his tube socks. His shoulder banged into the door with a thud and he quickly turned the deadbolt to the locked position just as the person on the other side knocked again.

“Don’t you at least want to tell them we’re not interested?”.

Harry gilded back to the couch where his wife was now sitting up. He looked lovingly into her eyes and said, “The only thing I care about is loving you for the rest of our days!”. And with that the knock faded away.