A Black and White Situation

525 Words

I was asked recently on what was the most difficult experience with Customer Service. One return in particular jumps to the top of my list.
I remember pushing a Giant Panda through the store annoyed as the chorus of Shop Around by the Miracles played around me making me way through a crowd of shoppers waiting in line and eventually reaching the counter.

Me (sighing as I push the panda through): “Keep moving bear.”

The Cashier: “What can I do for you today sir?”

Me: “I’d like to return this Panda please.”

Cashier: “Do you have an order number?”

I handed her a printout of the order sheet which she looks over.

Cashier: “Ok it says you got The Oreo deal… this package comes with an exciting 2 for 1 offer a black and white bear, as a bonus it includes a music player and free premium Pandora subscription.”

Me: "Correct!"

Cashier: “What seems to be the problem with it?

Me: “First of all I’m missing half my order. I’m supposed to get a black and white bear. ”

Cashier (glances towards the Panda). “That looks like a Black and White bear to me”

Me: “The ad misled me I was expecting a black bear and a white bear.”

Cashier: “If you order Chocolate and Vanilla ice cream sometimes it gets sets swirled together”

Me: “I would demand separate scoops and the ad specifically says two for one.”

Cashier: “Think of it as combination washer and dryer. One machine with 2 features. It still counts as a 2 for 1 offer.”

Me: “That’s a stretch at best.”

The Panda takes a device at his wrist… Michael Jackson’s Black or White begins to play in the background.

Me (groaning): “This brings me to my next issue. With the music player / Pandora subscription the panda controls the music setting.”

Cashier: “Well the word Pandora does sort of hint that a Panda would be heavily featured in the deal.”

Me: “In hindsight yes but he’s deliberately picking tunes to mock whatever action I’m doing. I take a bath and Splish Splash by Bobby Darrin plays. I go to the park Strolling through the park plays. When I get in my car I start hearing Rihanna’s shut up and drive plays. You can guess what he choose when I went surfing last weekend.”

Cashier: “Surfing USA.”

Me: “Correct…can you please take him back?”

The Panda hits his wrist again and the tune changes to Should I stay or should I go by the Clash.

Me (giving the Panda a dirty look): “See what I am talking about?”

Cashier: “I get it… well you do have a receipt. I’m afraid I can only offer you store credit though.”

Me (rushing to accept before she changes her mind: “I’ll take it!”

Cashier (Nods and hands me a voucher. She glances back at the panda): Looks like you have to go back to China. It might take awhile for the delivery team to pick you up.

The Panda hits his wrist and Wait for you by Eliot Yamin starts to play.

Me (smirking and quickly moving towards the exit): “He’s your problem now!”

Written for "The Bard's Hall Contest"  and "Merit Badge Magic"