My Midlife Blessings

My midlife blessings
A midlife manifesto
by a very ordinary woman

I want to try to pinpoint the day my midlife (crisis) began, if we can say we can spot a starting point!
I can confidently tell you that I’m going through it now. And it turned out to be something very different than the commonly portrayed season of crazy decisions. And it has nothing to do with new romantic relationships.
Here’s when it all began.
It was a summer day, I was still working from home, George was asleep in our bedroom and I went downstairs to make myself a quick cup of coffee during my 15 minutes break. Dad called, he said something very bad just happened. Dina, my cousin’s wife. She and both of her parents just lost their lives in a terrible car accident on the coastal road near Alexandria, Egypt. Both of her teenage sons were with them in the same car, the boys survived and witnessed everything.

Shortly after that a cousin of mine lost his battle against cancer, he went to heaven, that’s our hope and faith.

And then another phone call from my brother, my 40 year old cousin in Australia just drowned in a river around Christmas time. Since it is warm in the Southern Hemisphere that time of year, he went swimming and he never came out.
I told my brother, I know my aunt would not survive this, but it was not my dear aunt who dint survive , it was actually my life and my parents life, as we knew them, they were the ones that did not survive the series of devastating events.

I could feel the insecurity obvious in my parents voices over the phone for months after that. It’s the truth of death, the one and only truth in this life. And they are aging and they feel it.
I thought I can help bring calmness and reason back to them, through the voice of faith. Wasn’t I the one who passed through the hardship of having a handicapped son? Wasn’t I the one who grew in faith and can lift them up?
Yes I’ll keep trying and trying, I’ll talk to them as much as I can.
They want to tell me, there is not much left, that they’re heading to death. They want to tell me they’re getting old. The more I talked the more I got drained.
There’s where I landed:
„One moment in time all souls that lived on top of this earth realize, all what they’re running after is vain. For it comes down to one thing and no more: death.“
I’m officially clinically depressed!

And the problem of aging, yes my friends it’s coming down to 1 problem in this life.
The struggle no one is ever prepared for. The struggle no one can help his neighbor with.
When you’re all alone going through this, who can help you other than the creator himself, the one that never ages and never dies?

Well, I fell in deep depression but at least I did not lose faith at that point.

I was put on antidepressants!
I stared making mistakes at work. I needed to change jobs. I can’t work from home anymore, I’m suffocating.
Phone calls with my parents are causing more harm than good.
I went back to work in the pharmacy. No more work from home for me.
George understands, he always understands, I’m about to cry writing this.

Then, right when I went back to the pharmacy, Dalia died. I can’t believe I just wrote these 2 words. That’s the most dreaded short phrase I can ever write. A part of me died - and literally not figuratively. Might be a part that was constantly in pain but it doubtlessly is a part of my being.
We grew up together, least to say we could read each other’s minds. We were twins.
Yes, her death came unexpected but God kind of prepared me for it the night before it came. Don’t ask me how.
She died, I could hardly process the news. It took me a couple of weeks to put myself together again although I had not seen or heard from her for more than 15 years.
She is definitely a part of me. A huge part of my thought patterns and believes.
I have to say that, whenever something as huge and shaking as this has to happen to me, God always prepared me beforehand for it.
Remember the 2011 Alexandria church bombing, an event that shook me to the core. I will not get into this since I had a ton of time to process it and it is gone now.
Thank you God for your help.

The challenge of the grey areas

I’m speaking my truth boldly to people now. In humility and love but I decided to be the person who speaks the truth.
That’s who I am. I learned that I’m an INFJ personality and that’s what we do! That’s what we’re here for!
I’m content with the fact that I’ve been focused on getting to know myself recently. It is a pleasure to get to know her and I actually like the way God created her. She’s a masterpiece. I know it’s awkward, I’m talking about my inner child now, my girl, the one who did not get enough attention or affection, the one who was not listened to in her early years. Never encouraged.
Listen to me talk about her now:
She was never a blind follower, she was always a deep thinker, she is sensual, she enjoys and appreciates art, she’s a people encourager, she kind of can lead behind the scenes. At this point I don’t want to spoil her, I want to do what’s right for her.

Oftentimes I have to explain my quiet unusual standpoint in regards to some controversial issues. People expect you either to completely not accept or to show complete approval to things.
What I say is never music to anyone’s ears, non of the 2 sides of the political isle. I do love, actually I tend to try to understand more than other people because I think the misguided are the victims of a corrupt world more than anyone else. Still I have very clear unpopular standpoints, I would not encourage corruption . I would not support voting for din. I don’t want to be what Jesus called a stumbling block.
George and I are on the same page here, and I love that. He tends to be gentle and Jesus-like when it comes to why we think goes under the umbrella of sin.

Today, I posted an obviously unpopular, unpleasant opinion about Santa on Facebook. Which stated the following:

- Patents are playing with fire when they convince little ones that Santa is real.
The concept of Faith should not be messed with in an early age.
Think about the similarities between the 2 stories in the brains of little ones. Faith in God and Faith in Santa. God loves us, God is all-knowing in an unexplainable way, God is not seen, God gives gifts, we want to be good to please Him, we are told by our beloved parents that God is real, then we go off to college or to work and the world tells us that God does not exist, which must be the true story because that’s exactly what happened with Santa.
Of course the association in not on a conscious level , but still it’s there in the back of some heads.
The result,
God is an invention, a story told by the narrow minded people back home.
I don’t see how playing with the idea of Faith is not dangerous specially these days.

- The birth of Jesus is “magical “ enough, no need to supplement it with more magic that in many homes most definitely swallows it up.
Not against dressing up as Santa. But it should be under the umbrella of fun and no more.

The challenge of healing
Between healing and escaping

Long day. Not sure why I’ve been escaping alone time recently. It’s 9:30 pm and for the first time today I’m not listening to anything on YouTube or on my phone in general.
Jordan Peterson mentioned how therapeutic writing is. It helps organize your thoughts. Liz suggested journaling to me once hence I decided to write…
So, this guys he’s the wisest of all men I listened to. He is one of a kind, a philosopher, psychologist, a great thinker. He uses the big words, lol.
I will start learning! It’s never ever too late.
Today, I also learned some stuff about C.G. Jung’s archetypes. I know he came up with analytical psychology, Archetypes, collective unconsciousness. He was Swiss. I wonder why many good thinkers come from this part of the world. Anyway, I’m fascinated with him these days as much as I am with contemporary Peterson. Christmas stars. Thank goodness for them guiding us.
Shadow , persona , and self…. I’ve been trying to approach my shadow lately.
Marianne Williamson, in the shadow effect mentioned that the more you suppress it, the more it would gain control over you.
So, our shadow was created and kept growing due to the worldly corruption we can’t escape. How can we get back to our purest form, the one we were created and intended to be, except with the acceptance of Jesus Christ. If we totally believe in His cleansing redemption we can just go back and abandon all the damaged ways that we were forced into. But is it that easy?
Is it a matter of accepting and believing or does it require a lot of self work?
To my mind, it can’t be that easy, it must be the narrow path, the path of self awareness and spiritual growth.


Super excited about our Europe trip. It almost sounds like a fairytale being in Italy for Christmas.
I kind of want to tell everyone about it.
I want to experience so much there. Still afraid things won’t work as expected. I’m afraid Mark’s passport won’t make it on time, George would be too tired or grumpy when we’re there, the kids would be whiny and ruin the trip, we would miss our transportation between cities, we all would be too tired and cranky most of the time , we won’t find tickets and hotels when we need them or something unexpected would come up. Or simply Covid!
Fears, fears that something would go wrong. But at the same time there is too much to be exited about and should not miss that. The anticipation excitement!

First snow of the year. I’m hoping I can accept the quiet I’ve been escaping for a while now. I think I’ve been afraid of my own thoughts recently! That’s a shame. No, that’s ok. It’s ok to feel this way now.
Do I lack mental or emotional strength? I don’t know.
It’s not my fault, it’s piled up emotional trauma. I’ve been working on it. Been working on being more in the consciousness area and things have drastically changed since I started listening to Jerry wise, dr. Margret Paul’s inner bonding and many many more. Now I can stand up for myself, now I can say No , at least partly and when I’m somewhat prepared.
It hasn’t been a spiritual problem, it has been trauma. Trans- generational trauma, the one transmitted thru generations since Adam and Eve. But there is still the shadow, some say I have to make peace with this part of me. Maybe this way we can agree of him leaving in peace!? Then I’d be able to find the real me. Me before the fall, before the temptation of the serpent. The pure human being I really really long to find. I long to see the real me, the one that was wonderfully made. It’s the origin and the real home. It’s probably the one that can’t live in this defiled world. Can someone really live in this form in this world? Saints? Who are they? Did they have this trauma creep to their beings like us?
The idea that I heard yesterday when learning about the archetypes surprised me, namely that many people who went through the same experiences will have the same resulting shadow like me. And maybe maybe there is a technique someone can guide me to, to draw the shadow out of my life in peace. It’s archetypical, it’s a common pattern. Who knows! Now I’m asking for God’s guidance. Please God, help me find my way.

Many months have passed after I’ve written this and I still think the shadow did not say goodbye.I’m still in the process of healing working hard and being gentle to myself. It’s all good. It’s well with my soul. God is good! He is the wonderful creator or wonderful beings like me.


‎ساهم‬⁩ ⁦‪في‬⁩ ⁦‪ترميم‬⁩ ⁦‪القلوب‬⁩، فهي أيضًا بيوت يُذكر فيها اسم الله.

‎- جلال الدين الرومي

The challenge of maintaining a healthy body

Started having trouble with my digestive system right after Ben was diagnosed.
I think it’s the stress that ruined my immune system, too much cortisol in my body, and then everything broke down.
I can’t tolerate dairy, legumes and a lot more.
Right now I only eat chicken, cucumbers, raspberries, apples and nuts, that’s it.
I drink plain dark Jacob’s coffee in the morning ( the one that reminds me of my dear Austrian uncle and his wife) which makes me have a bowl movement and that’s the time of the day my body feels the most comfort.

My European uncle and his wife, the 2nd parents that God blessed me with in my teenage years and a little after. They loved me, they believed in me, they taught me a lot, they encouraged me, they were calm, their house was quiet, I found peace there. Until something happened, I’m not quiet sure what it was. I think until I got engaged.
But still I love them to the moon and back, always grateful and always praying for them. May Jesus give them comfort and faith in this old age. Amen.


The challenge of understanding oneself

I can’t figure out exactly what this world is all about!
But I can tell you for sure I’m a lover of beauty and nature, art and wisdom.

I feel like Shit today!
Isn’t it weird how fragile our psyches are.
It is not for no reason but still I think something chemical hormonal is going on inside my body. It’s first day of PMDD again, the monster that is swallowing up a 1/3 of my life. 10 Preciuos days of each month and sometimes more.
I’m surrendering to it now, I’m living with it since there is no way out.
Yesterday, the soccer appreciation of Mark’s team sucked and I decided to write an e mail to the coach to ask why Mark was not recognized like other players since he was the top scorer of both teams. I don’t have an explanation for it that except for God forbid, the r word. And I kind of scared him in the e mail referring from far to this idea. Just very faintly. I don’t care, he caught me on a bad day, I don’t want anyone to step on my child’s toes anymore.

The challenge of friendships

I always thought people were blessed with friendships that last from their childhood up unto their adult life. I do not have a single one of those. Even my cousin who used to be so close, she has turned out to be a very different person now and we definitely went our separate ways.
I met Inas the second year of pharmacy school and we’re still friends. That’s the closest thing to a lifetime friendship in my life.
(edited a couple of years or more after: screw her!!)
But today and just today I started realizing that I’m blessed with a very different kind of blessing. The blessing of choice. All of a sudden now after I turned 40 I realized that I have to do some sorting out of people in my live. Some picking and choosing who has to leave and who gets to stay. Thank you Lord, there were so many good people around I could chose from. And I did. The thing is, so far I did not know exactly who I was and I was not able to decide whom I want to be with. But thank you Jesus, now I know.

One moment it’s like, God make make me a vessel to deliver Your love and truth, and then the next moment, hell! I could be the devil himself!?
Day to day I struggle to stay sane. Guilt, shame, inadequacy, false truths chase me wherever I go. Jesus, please help!
I’ll always try to be the best version of myself but I’m full of contradictions.
I never understood myself until I turned forty and I heard that there is something called, the INFJ personality type. It describes exactly who I am. If you read about it it you might think it’s more like a personality disorder,lol, no, I’m just kidding. That’s me!
This is how I was created and I love it.
I’m full of wrestling thoughts. I’m more organized on my outside than in my head. Yes, that’s me!
Candles, house plants, silver jewelry,linen clothing, pencils, magazines, cleanliness, the smell of freshly mowed lawn,light, sunny days, the quiet of a snow day that’s what I love.
Walks in a busy city street, city coffee houses beaming with energy and life, art made by people, elegance, summer festivals, cultured, ancient parts of the world, that’s where I think I belong.
Washington DC. is one of the cities where I felt at home.
( years later: I’m not a naturalist, I’m not an artist, I’m an existentialist!!!)

Tonight when I was taking a shower. I thanked God for the clean, warm water many people don’t have access to. I also thought about the homeless people in my beloved birthplace, Alexandria, Egypt while the whole city has been flooded by rain water today. We are kind of used to this scene but it’s horrific to think about the people living in huts and roofless rooms. To calm myself a litte bit I had to think that no body would have sleep shelterless on days like this, Egyptian are generally so generous they won’t let anyone go through this.

عالم بدون عقد نفسيه

‏ “Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfilment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated, thus, everyone’s task is unique as his specific opportunity to implement it.” — Viktor E. Frankl


The challenge of resolving childhood trauma


Trans Generational trauma and it’s effect on our generation not living up to their highest self. That would be a title for my interests during this period my life.

Teacher, life coach, art therapist, actress!, these are the suggestions people gave me when I listed my interests and asked them how I could fulfill my purpose. Only that it’s like 25 years too late :(



I’m not an artist, I’m an art lover, artist’s admirer and encourager.
Someone told me once, I should do artists’ life coaching.
I’ve been practicing this since I was a little kindergartner with Dalia. I truly admired her art, she was a true artist. She always used to ask me how I liked her drawings and painting and I always celebrated them. And then later Khaled.
If you’d ask me to chose a person from history I’d love to meet and spend some time with it would definitely be Michaelanglo. I would love to look inside his head and admire how it works.
Today, I got to see his Pieta face to face. A part of him. It certainly is my favorite piece of art of all times. The little replica of which I admired and examined as a child daily.
This week I’ve been to Florence, the church of Santa Crocea, where the great artist is buried. I even took a picture with his artistically decorated tomb.
That is certainly an eventful trip for me.
Italians, they are like Egyptians. Their ancestors left them huge treasures, they, city people, just go on with their lives not paying much attention to that.
The duomo of Milano just like the Giza pyramids, breathtaking, miraculous works of art and architecture and life goes on as fast paced as it can get right around them. If you ask those city people about these treasures they don’t give you much attention.
Big city life, and I was once a big city citizen,is still appealing to me. The good thing about the fast pace, the crowds and the cultural spirit of the city with all the difficulties that we don’t face in an American small town is that it would not leave too much chance for you to focus on yourself. I think this is good and bad….
No gut pain and food intolerances here, a lot of walking, and the food is sooo good, I can’t say enough about that. It’s super cloudy and cold but the warmth of indoor cafeterias and little bakeries nicely and simply decorated kept me warm and very happy.

We’re back. Happy to be home! We’re all counting our blessings specially that it’s the first days of 2022. Not sure what the year would bring, it seems like always a continuation of the previous year. And hopefully it will be so. Cause the only year that stood out since the moment it began was 2020 and it was not very good in it’s specialness.

Yesterday, I heard that my dear uncle was taken to hospital again. It happened many times before but this time it seems to be worse and I have the feeling that it’s not going to end up the same.
Being the realistic person I am it just hurt my dad’s feelings when I face him with the fact that God‘s will might be different than our wishes.
Just like George’s realism shocks me sometimes I think I’m also being to hard on dad and mom sometimes.
I always thought I’m a fragile person but to my amazement as I got to know myself more I realized that the thinking part of my brain that keeps me realistic is just exactly as large as the feeling part of me.
That’s just me! However throughout my life my dad was trying to convince me that I’m exactly like him. And I’m not!
Every time I talk to him he just tries to fit me in the Superself of his side of the family and he just not see that I have a self of my own. That’s the problem I discovered in my forties. However I never believe it’s too late to change things. I’m the queen of change.

Fascinated with the beauty of the European streets. Vibrant with life, they charge me to the exact point where I function my best. They inspire, they energize, they make you dream about the past in the midst of the fast paced city, one that lifts you up to new horizons. I’m in love with the city streets more than I’m in love with nature.
I would absolutely live in Chicago or DC. I fell in love with the cuteness of Charlotte, North Carolina.
The little boulangeries of France. The flower shops. The cobblestone reflecting light after a rain shower. The yellow fallen leaves with my boots looking their best with them. Picture perfect!
The beautiful old buildings where someone ones lived now turned into busy offices.
There is no way to describe how enchanted i was with the walks in Italy. No way to get tired and never get bored. Look at the lights of the little coffee shops and the windows of the little stores.

There is no one I’ve ever met that hated themselves more than I did. I imagine, absolutely no one. I was an extreme case until that day I discovered someone called Jerry Wise. He lead me to discover someone called dr.Margret Paul which let me to discover myself. Then things absolutely changed for the better.
And today, February 14th 2022, I celebrate loving myself. There’s no words to describe the immense change that had taken place in the core of me. God allowed it to be offered and I totally accepted it. No, nothing is random. It’s not absurd, it was all planned, it’s all miraculous. It’s all beautiful, it’s all the wonderfully thought plan. It’s all good! Just rest now my soul..

It’s Easter 2022
I had a really really bad day at the church’s Easter picnic.
I think lack of sleep makes me super sensitive to everything around me. To everyone and every behavior which is really really bad. The Egyptian community in Dayton is literally toxic. Everyone is talking about everyone else behind their backs and some might give you the face too. The leader is toxic the group is toxic and I feel that I need to stay away. 2 things that are stopping me now, the kids and the service. Mark will be 16 next year and I might be able to escape this torture. I remember I used to enjoy it some day but the more you know about the people and about yourself the more things change. Again, it’s toxic and I would love to escape it. The service, I know my blessings and I love God therefore something inside me tells me that I need to serve. If I found a service outside the Coptic church I would leave with good conscience. I would attend the liturgy and go.
This day sucked!

Today I just realized one of the things that distance me from my parents.
They always show disrespect for anything or anyone -specially anyone- I admire.
I got no explanation for that….
Today I had to tell them to stop.

My parents are quite excited about coming here. I’m excited but a little nervous. No wonder. I’ve grown to be so different than they are, almost opposite. Things in common will be, love for my boys, my brother and his family, respect for beauty, love of nature but that’s about all. Will this suffice to keep us in harmony for a month? God only knows. Rabena yostor. Will I have to face them with things that bring me to the edge or better be agreeable and keep the peace? Not sure I can be agreeable these days cause I have drastically changed. And I’m content with that.



What the hell is this feeling and when would it go away. Low self esteem that I know so well. Excruciatingly feeling of loneliness and loss of will. Did it start when we started talking about the past yesterday? College time, Dalia and Khaled? The places we used to hang out? Her sudden death that is still very painful to me? No idea what this is all about. One thing I know, I’m in pain right now mentally and psychologically. Is it loneliness, the feeling of being left behind? Is this a life I didn’t want to be living, have I lost all connections with people?
Does he want me all alone?

One more night in pain.
We just came back home from a dinner with friends, that was supposed to be perfect.
I was in a good mood. I was talkative. I was feeling good and had higher than usual self esteem. But today I can say for sure that my problem, my depression, my eroding social life, my frequent social anxiety, they all have a reason and I don’t really need an antidepressant. That reason is unfortunately, George.
He feels insecure whenever I hold my head up. He does and he pushes me down immediately. Three times this happened today. His body language said that he doesn’t want me included. Yes he did say that. Then he intends to stress the fact that he hates the culture I have ties to.

What do I write about if I want to write something of a value?
It has to be my essence
It has to be so useful that somebody would definitely benefit from
It has to be out of my core and of deepest layers of my thoughts
It has to be the previous jewels I left everything for
I have something to share
What is it?
It can’t be stories because everyone has stories
I don’t have the most special or exciting stories, some other people do
Could it be poems? Maybe
Could it be a self development manifesto? Maybe
A self love manifesto for midlife

When someone asks me, how was my weekend. I shouldn’t be saying, I thought of suicide 3 times and I cried for 2 hours straight on our way to Columbus. I don’t want to draw more people away from me and feel more of this excruciating pain of loneliness and despair.

I’ve been working on myself. My own self development. And I’ve come a long way!
I dissected the agony of my soul. I chose self-love. I held on to will power. I read many books. I searched for wisdom. I searched inside churches, I looked for philosophers, self development people, managers, psychoanalysts, mothers, athletes, successful scientists, and anyone and anywhere I smelled the sent of wisdom.
I worked on myself to be a strong woman, a backbone for my family and I think I’ve gone a long way.
I ended up here, still looking for wisdom and also for friends because I ended up alone.

It’s January of 2025
I turned 45 in September of last year.
To me midlife is (was?) all about: aging parents,, death of loved ones, regaining self worth, and finding a way to push through it all.
I can’t say I’m doing just fine because I’m not.
I still feel lonely. I think I have no friends. Do adulthood friendships even exist?
Am I really living someone else’s life? That’s most likely the case.
Did I find coping mechanisms or did I just get used to it?
I’ve lowered the dose of my antidepressant to half a pill and went off of my anxiety med. It’s successful so far.
I’m working hard on sacrificing time to create friendships and the outcomes are pretty good.
When I look at Ben, my autistic and mentally disabled son I try to be positive all the time. As I just told my coworker yesterday, life on earth is not the life we’re created for. I often visualize him completely healed in heaven where we’re having real conversations and I’m getting to know him. My coworker called that a coping mechanism but I call it realism.
I just learned that if I can call my self intelligent, my type of intelligence would be the existentialist intellectual. That’s true, therefore I value realism.
It bring so much calm to know thy self.
I also recently realized that the depression I went through was justified and had REAL causes.
Depression can go since the causes vanished or at least fainted now. That brings calm too 🙏