French-Kissing A Cat

My first attempt at black/dark humour, as friendly as I will allow. Sorryyyyyy :0

“So, what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?”

Caitlin blinked. Pretty bold question for a first date. And in the first hour, no less.

“Are you sure you wanna know?”

“Definitely. I reckon it’s the best ice-breaker question. And a decent compatibility test.”

“Compatibility test?”

“Yeah. Like, if your answer is ‘I chopped someone into twelve pieces’ or ‘I strangled my Tinder date with a lamp cord,’ I’ll know to leg it.”

Caitlin laughed. Okay, maybe Danni could handle it.

“So… do you wanna go first?” they asked.

“I’ll go. But heads-up—it’s more of an ongoing thing than a one-off story.”

Danni leaned forward. “Colour me intrigued.”

Caitlin took a sip of her drink, steadying herself. “Okay. So… I love to kiss cats.”

Danni smiled politely. “That’s… cute?”

“I mean, like, on the mouth. Lips to lips. Especially French-kissing.”

There was a pause. Danni’s face didn’t move for a few seconds—like their brain had to buffer the sentence.

“I’m sorry… what?”

“You’ve never tried it?” Caitlin asked innocently. “If male cats make you uncomfortable, you can always start with a female.”

“You’ve kissed a female cat?”

“Oh, I’m not picky,” Caitlin said with a shrug. “Male, female, owned, strays… I’m pretty flexible.”

The silence that followed was the kind she’d grown used to. Most people didn’t know what to do with the real her.

“I know, I know,” she added, waving her hand. “That was a really stupid thing to say. But it’s true. And you did ask.”

Danni opened their mouth like they were going to speak, then thought better of it. Caitlin continued anyway.

“I was about fourteen at the time. That age where everyone is curious about, you know… kissing. But I didn’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Just Felicia—my cat. A tan Siamese with these stunning pale blue eyes.” Danni gave her a cautious look. She grinned. Still here.

“I borrowed Mum’s scarlet red lipstick. Applied it all wrong, but I felt glamorous. I picked Felicia up like always, and while she was still settling in… I went in.”

“…Oh my god.”

“She clawed the hell out of me, of course. But for a moment? It was like going on a roller-coaster for the first time. Terrifying, but kind of electric. After that, I started practising. I got better. These days, even kittens let me kiss them.”

Danni blinked. Twice.

Caitlin leaned back, folding her arms. “Honestly, I should probably stop saying that out loud. Every time I do, I think, ‘Yep. That was a really stupid thing to say.’ But hey—honesty is the best policy, amirite?”

Danni stared at her. Finally: “Are you crazy?”

Caitlin smiled. “Isn’t that what first dates are for? Figuring out how crazy someone is?”

Danni exhaled through their nose. “Jesus. I’m a dog person, for god’s sake.”