A Dictionary of the Weirdest Kind

for Wonderlandlandia

Part 1--Say what you mean and mean what you say!
Your task is to give whole new definitions to words, but there’s a twist to this!
You must give new meanings to 13 existing words in the English vocabulary.

Personal note:we use all these terms!


1. T-shirts: T-shaped body billboards, especially worn by hunters in the months preceding hunting season.

2. Laser: an invisible beam shot from a pet's eyes connecting to the guilt center in a person's brain, compelling them to give that last bite of food to said dog.

3. Look: Similar to 'the mom glare,' this is the look you get when the dog is expecting a treat and you are busy and forget. Capable of stopping you in your tracks, causing you physically to trip over it, or get 'woofed.' (see item 5.)

4. Woof - Dog language whereby humans become cognizant in understanding the differing barks defining anything from 'stranger approaches' to 'dog walking down street without residential dog having given his/her express permission' to said dog to do so, to 'there's a new leaf blowing around the yard,' or 'there's a squeaky toy hopping in the back yard and it is MINE!'

5. Woof (ed) - alternative definition. Sound softly muttered under the dog's breath as a result of being chastised, getting in the last word. Shortened form of 'woof you!.'

6. B-52 bombers - extra-large bumble bees or hungry hummingbirds that dive bomb you, refusing to deviate course, when you are in the way between them and the flowers or birdfeeder.

7. Breadbox - the box in the corner of the kitchen counter that is where all the flotsam and jetsam on the counter is hidden when unexpected company arrives. Also, the place to look for oddball things one cannot find. Note: NOT to actually be used to store bread as it will invariably get horrifically squished!

8. Mow - generic term for a five-hour process of weed-whipping, edging, dog-clean-up, stick removal, fire building and burning to get rid of said sticks and drinking beer all before actually cutting grass.

9. Shortly - undefineable term for a space of time which may encompass five minutes, an hour, three days, or possibly, never. It is a word which may never be defined the same way twice in a row.

10. Hunting (season) - space of time during which hunters scout the woods, set out tree-cams, put up treestands, bait (when allowed,) clean and refurbish all guns, ammo, recurve bows, cross bows and critter removal conveyances, sharpen arrow heads and bolts, convice partners to go buy new hunting 'toys', talk about where, when and how ad nauseum, rehash past successful hunts (also ad nauseum), go through all hunting gear, wash all hunting gear (again), descent all hunting gear and then pack it all away til needed, try to convince partner (again) that the new scope, line, pull rope or barrel is essential, check sun-up/sun down times repeatedly, put in for vacation time, peruse rut, tending and following time guidelines, play 'Fred Bear' on repeat, talk about the 'one that got away,' gripe about weather being too hot, cold, windy (wrong direction) or wet, talk to their buddies on the phone to rehash all of the previously noted, sit around the bonfire discussing where and when for deer camp, reminicing about thirty years of prior deer camps, drooling over backstraps, talking about where they will hang their new trophy buck should they get one, spending hours going over trail cam footage daily, possibly moving said deer cams, putting up additional tree stands in other 'looks really good!' locations, making innumerable lists, losing same and doing it again (several times), buying base tags, buying addition tags, talking about hunting, dreaming about hunting, thinking about hunting all of which takes place prior to the two months of when actual hunting (bow, gun and muzzle-loader) season is: ie: year round.

11. writing - the act of sitting in front of a blank computer screen having insisted that there be no noise and no interruptions and entering and (subsequent) deleting of gibberish.

12. Lasagna (moments) Stemming from someone being served homemade, from scratch lasagna and asking for seconds only to find out 25 years later that they really hate lasagna when offered it as a special meal again.(after I had bought everything to make it from scratch!) This lead to a discussion of honesty and open communication. We agreed (in hopes of never having another lasagna moment to keep that box of unopened lasagna and if a moment came that necessitated a quiet, uninterrupted conversation that either of us could leave it on the dining room table and have said conversation. TWENTY years later, Box is buried in the back of the pantry never having been needed! Why? No getting to the lasagna moments!

13. Garage - place to store any and all tools, toys, 78,908 jars of bolts, screws, whatnots, widgets and whoimawhatits, extra furniture, birdseed, air compressor, snow-blower, weed whips, six tree stands, a fridge, furnace for garage, huge woodworking tools that are too heavy to make it to the basement, totes of 'who knows what alls,' two bird's nests, Christmas surprises, and at least one retroencapulator. Anything except a vehicle of any kind.











Part 2-- you need to create 12 entirely new words – from your imagination! – and give it your meaning. (These actually being words we've devised over time and are in use in our home!)

1. Poochification - the ability for a dog to take up/control the majority of a bed regardless of size.

2. Sassifaction - a qualitative amount of satisfaction displayed by the dog upon receiving a new toy. As in a high or low sassifaction factor meaning you either did great (and dog plays with said toy) or terribly resulting in a new collection of chewed shoes or...

3. Choes - The results of a low sassification result: chewed, toeless shoes.

4. Gweet - Unofficial contraction for 'go eat.'

5. Slobberick - what you receive when the dog is trying to gently tell you to 'get up already.'

6. Yawnish - spoken language mid yawn. As in speaking yawnish - The ability to understand said language.

7. Dreamottery - stupid periods of time spent speculating on what one would do if they won the 1.8 billion lottery prize.

8. Nonopeep - as in non-people-y people. As in not the general public, but a few select individuals who are 100% trustworthy with the 'youness of you!'

9. Confusquelate - completely confuse and convince people with a reasonable explanation (or definition) that has nothing to do with reality - example - retroencapulator.*

10. Playcation - calling into work saying you are sick when all you want to do is stay home and play your favorite game or go hunting.

11. Frigertrash - the compendium of left-overs no one wants to or is willing to eat.

12. Caruck - when something is left in either vehicle (in our case car or truck) in the driveway and you don't know which one the whatever you forgot is in.

* "The original machine had a base-plate of prefabulated aluminite, surmounted by a malleable logarithmic casing in such a way that the two main spurving bearings were in a direct line with the pentametric fan. The latter consisted simply of six hydrocoptic marzlevanes, so fitted to the ambifacient lunar waneshaft that side fumbling was effectively prevented. The main winding was of the normal lotus-o-delta type placed in panendermic semi-boloid slots in the stator, every seventh conductor being connected by a non-reversible tremie pipe to the differential girdlespring on the "up" end of the grammeters..."