The only child's burden

Do people realize what happens behind the curtains of a "perfect" life of an only child?

Everyone sees the benefits and privileges of being an only child: the treats and snacks that I don't have to share, an unshared room, the personal space and privacy I have, the solitude in which I can live my life, and being the sole bearer of all the love and attention my parents have to offer.



But behind the curtains of illusions, lurk the demons that haunt the very essence of my being, demanding answers and tearing down walls that I've painstakingly created to protect my heart from agony.



No one notices the pretense in claiming to love being alone, or how the voices in my thoughts blur the borders between solitude and loneliness. The deafening silence I sit in for hours on end speaks volumes more than any words ever could, acting as a constant reminder that I, myself, am the only person I can always count on.



No one sees the dark side, the fact that it is not that I do not "have to share," but rather it is that I do not get to share the stories, the gossip, the memories, and everything else of significance.



They do not see how I surround myself with people and stimulation, trying to provide myself a semblance of normalcy, trying to tune out the woes of loneliness, because the so-called "space" claws at the void in my heart.

They don't realise that I have learnt to comfort myself because of all the nights that I had no-one to comfort me.

The sole bearer of love also becomes the sole bearer of responsibility, the sole bearer of the guilt of leaving your aging parents to begin a new chapter of life, knowing that you are their entire world. The realization that I am their only chance at fulfilling their dreams, and yet also being acutely aware of the fact that they have neither ever asked nor expected anything from me, is an echoing ache and resounding anguish that does not fade and only deepens with time.



I move through the world, making friends and gathering relationships and memories that I cherish, yet the knowledge that I am forever going to be alone remains a glowing and burning inferno in my heart.