Mixed Up

Feeling out of place and having unfinished writing

1/13/2025
My one thousand pages of……confessions of a “mixed up” mind. Take 1001.
I am always wondering what to write because I love writing, and I love telling stories and using my lived experiences, to be able to coach others in becoming their best selves. Which is why in 2020 I became a Family Partner at my place of work. What is a family partner, you ask.? I did not know myself when I heard about the job.
I had been living in a sober home, away from my family, but nonetheless working my butt off to stay sober. When someone told me one day that I would be the perfect person to do a job like this. They knew my story and knew how hard I had worked to get where I was.
To my astonishment, it was like the ad had been written for me. It was everything I had ever hoped of doing for a job one day. A job I knew deep in my heart by endless years of experimenting, falling to rock bottom several times, and getting back up again. No one could stop me, not even myself. It was an over and over cycle of insanity.
Jumping back to today, I sometimes wonder how I am still doing okay. I question if I am to be honest. I just know that if I am not okay, I have no right to teach the people I assist. So, I must be okay, that is my only option. Yet, at the same time I need to stay on top of my mental health, my boundaries, my addictions, my family, work, elderly parents, you know the list could go on and on. But as a woman, a woman that was always too vulnerable to ever make things right, I have a duty to share where I am at, where I have been, and where I intend to go.

They say you are only as sick as your secrets in recovery. My only secrets are the secrets I tell myself on how to become successful and how to keep myself sane and okay to continue my work. To stay okay, and to rock my way out of this misery we all feel some days. We all have emotions, and it is okay to talk about them, no matter who told us that you cannot.