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 Day to day stuff....a memoir without order. |
| Everyone tells us to live in the present, savor the moment, and be happy in the here and now. But I wonder how many of us are able to do that, especially when we are up in years. Our past has a way of invading almost everything we see and hear and feel in the present. Our emotions are tied to yesterdays, and it is difficult, even impossible, to separate the past from the present. I learned a new word this week and that started me thinking about this oxymoron of living in the present. The word is from the Welsh and is spelled “hiraeth”, and it is pronounced “here ith” with the i sounding like the i in ice. Although there is no exact English meaning, it relates to nostalgia and invokes a mourning for the past and for things lost. I started thinking more about this while watching a miniseries on Netflix titled Love and Death, a biographical crime drama based on a true story. In a nutshell, a 1980s suburban housewife is accused of murdering her neighbor after having an affair with the neighbor’s husband. Not only does every radio song in the series throw me back into my past, but even the inside of the homes, the kitchens especially, bring back all kinds of memories. No, I didn’t murder anyone, but I’m sure you get the picture. And the fact that the story was true (the real people are still alive), impacted me even more. This miniseries could be a study on my new word. As the audience later learns, our past determines, to a large extent, who we are today. We may do our best to change ourselves into who we want to be, but our history is always there, never to be forgotten. Sometimes, as in this Netflix story, it lurks in our subconscious, and we remain unaware until some emotional trigger stimulates a flashback. And, then, anything is possible. The stories of our past that we share trigger memories for each other, and I consider that a good thing. When we tell someone “I like that”, that like usually comes from our past, something we’re familiar with, something derived from a good experience. And conversely, things we don’t like come from memories that were not so pleasant. Food is a great example of this. I loved potato chips in my childhood, and always felt special when a bag was bought just for me. We like things that make us feel good and dislike things that hurt or that provoke negative feelings. Instructions on how to live in the present are even more confusing with the first guideline being to notice your surroundings. Most of my surroundings have some connection to the past. Yes, I know. Study the leaf, listen to the birds, feel the wind on your face, smell the rain, but for me all these things bring back memories…and that throws me back into my past. When I see a leaf, I think of a corsage for my senior prom. When I listen to the birds, I think of hawks I heard at our camping spot in Fanning Springs. When I feel the wind on my face, I think of the salty breeze at Rehoboth Beach. And when I smell the rain, I think of my mother-in-law’s funeral. In today’s world, most people are thinking of their future, but at my age, I try not to think of the future so that may be one reason the past returns to me so often. And it seems we are being taught to live in the past. Keep a journal, explore genealogy, write a memoir, keep the old as buying new is environmentally incorrect. What to do? And then I think of some people’s past being erased by those in power. What do they do? I love my past, not all of it but most of it. My naivety at the time may have something to do with it. I didn’t know we were poor so it didn’t evoke a negative emotion. Would I go back there if I could? I don’t know, but it’s something to think about. That opportunity might be possible in the future. At the moment, I live in the present and the past. The future, except for things I have some control over, takes up little space in my brain. Although I long for our past America to be a future reality, my vote is my only power, and I will be certain to use it. Hopefully, it will remain a power. And if you have the inclination and opportunity, please watch Love and Death on Netflix and let me know how you think it relates to hiraeth. The human brain will always be the biggest mystery…I think. |
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