%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |
My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| It was a wonderful weekend. I enjoyed dinner at the Rabbi's on Friday night with a bunch of people, and I knew some of them. I enjoyed walking to Tehillim, and noticed today that I had gotten sunburned from that short walk there and home. I did Havdalah with a friend at my house. It was nice, because it was my first time doing it for someone else, but they know Hebrew a lot better than me, so I was overly self-conscious and stumbled even more than usual. Today I got up at 5 am and headed up to my apartment up north. I found a carpet guy to clean the carpets for me on a Sunday. That means I did miss a community event, but I needed to get this done. Getting the carpets cleaned and cleaning the bathrooms and kitchen was all I needed to do. I am officially done with my old apartment. I turned in a copy of the receipt for the carpet cleaning and turned in my key. I never have to do that three hour drive again! I'm officially moved. After the cleaning, chemical smells, and six hours of driving, I really wanted pizza. I had stopped at the grocery store up at my old apartment and picked up some kosher food for lunch, but I've been craving pizza for so long. I have heard about a pizza place called Jerusalem Pizza. I really wanted to try it. It was frustrating getting there, because there were so many traffic jams. It took an extra hour and a half of driving, but I got it. I am so happy to say that it is absolutely delicious! I also got a falafel sandwich to take for lunch tomorrow. Coming into my airconditioned apartment with a good smelling pizza and rumbling stomach was great. After a quick Hebrew class, I ate some pizza and put on my house dress. Life is so good today! |
| Keeping kosher is not always easy. As I am working to learn what kosher symbols I can buy that are acceptable to the orthodox community, life has challenges thrown into the mix. At work today, I found out that the provided lunch for district professional development was being held at a bar and grill. A non-kosher bar and grill. I was required to attend even though I could not eat anything there or drink anything there. I had brought lunch with me, so I ate it on my way to the bar/grill. I walked in. It looked like a bar. It smelled like a bar. I admit that I pouted a bit, because I didn't want to be there. I went up to the bar and asked if they had any bottled beverages, like water, so I could at least look like I fit in. They did not. I did not fit in. It just so happened that I sat at the table with all of the high school deans. They felt bad that I couldn't eat anything (the food did look good, for a bar). They asked, "what food allergies do you have that you can't eat anything?" I said that I was strict kosher. One at the table knew what kosher was, but not the person who asked. I tried to get out of explaining a lot, but she pressed and said that she wanted to know. As they were pulling chicken off the bone with their forks, and buttering their bread rolls with very hard butter (probably a sign that it was real butter), I explained that I don't eat pork; I separate meat and dairy into different meals and not eat them within a certain amount of time of one another; and for anything I eat outside of my own kitchen or someone who I know keeps kosher, all food must be packaged in a sealed wrapper or container and have an approved kosher symbol. As they slurped down coke from a bar glass and ate watermelon on glass plates, I tried not to feel awkward and out of place, but I was. I didn't want to be there in a bar. More than going without food and water for two hours (not difficult to do after having good kosher food in the car), I did not want to be in a bar and in a non-kosher restaurant. I felt like my job was to make them feel comfortable with the fact that I wasn't eating. That I was okay with it (which I was), and that they weren't doing anything wrong by enjoying their lunch (which they weren't). My biggest struggle was being in the bar in the first place, and that I was required to be there for my job. As a math teacher, I never thought I would have to be put in a position to have to expose myself like that. I never thought I would be forced to go to a bar to keep my job. I know I probably could have said no and fought on religious grounds, but that would have just exposed me even more. The "team building activity" wasn't a bad activity, but certainly not worth one to fire someone over or force them to go to such a place (religious reasons aside) when they are uncomfortable going to those places. I like my new job so far, but I have a feeling that just being me, which was fine at my old district, comes with a lot of explanation here. When I'm out of my comfort zone (like I was today), I just keep reminding myself, I chose this, and G-d will bless me at this place too. He is the one, after all, directing my path. |
| I've been thinking a lot lately about the many times I was exposed to Jewish ideas before I ever even knew they were. One of my professors in college talked about tefillin and how the boxes got larger for show so it wasn't really proper to wear them since they are just for show. Being a woman, I don't have to worry about them, nor do I have an opinion about them. I remember going on a field trip with my daughter D2 to a farm that made dairy products. Their ice cream was kosher certified. I had no idea at that time what that meant. They were very strict on where we could walk because they wanted to keep their kosher certification. There was a Rabbi in one of the barns and the kids were asking if we knew him (we wore skirts and culottes). In one of the barns, I watched him talking to a cow. I had never seen a Rabbi in person before that moment. The last memory makes me a little bit sad. I was at a thrift store with my children. One of my children found a cup with two handles and asked me what it was for. The lady working at the thrift store said they had gotten a lot of things donated from an estate. At the time, I had no idea why there would be two handles on a cup. Maybe it was for a child learning how to drink, but it was rather big for that. I now know that it is a ritual cup for washing hands in the morning, after using the bathroom, and before eating bread. I understand that cup there wasn't very expensive (I actually have two of the exact same type), but it is still a bit sad that it was just donated to a thrift store. Just memories. |
| I did not make it to class or Tehillim today. My allergies had me worn out and my nose dripping. I stayed home and studied. I am studying the Shulchan Aruch. I am not very far into it yet since I only got it this week and worked all week. However, there is already a line that has stuck out. I am definitely not a morning person. I hit snooze way too many times and that makes me always run late. The first volume starts off talking about how to get up in the morning. Of course I say the Modeh Ani right when I wake up. However, the actually getting out of bed is the difficult part. "I will awaken the morning; the morning will not awaken me." (p. 10) It talks about the importance of getting up immediately once awaking to show service to G-d. It actually used the word "alacrity," which means with zeal or eagerness. I think it is important to remind ourselves why we wake up in the morning and why we go throughout our day trying to make a difference in the world. If I transform my morning, will I transform the rest of my day? I guess, we shall see. |
| I am enjoying living in the community very much. I have been able to join multiple community events after work. I was in shul for Tisha B'Av, I attended an open house, and I attended my very first upsherin (3 year-old's first haircut). I have been able to just stop by and visit friends and go places with them (shopping, YES!). I have been finding my way around town, to different grocery stores, and to and from work. With having access to all of community events, I now am going to need to prioritize. I've missed a lot of Hebrew classes because of my work schedule and starting back at work and studying with a Rabbi two days a week. I still need to go back and finish my apartment up north and turn in my key. It seems like no matter how late I stay up, I have so much to do and missed so much at the same time. I'm not complaining. I'm not upset about having so much to do. As far as problems go, this is the best problem to have. It's one I never expected and certainly didn't anticipate having. The community is so close and I'm starting to understand some of the conversations that I have heard over the past year about missing out on certain events because of other obligations, work, or other events occurring at the same time. It's different actually being here. I love this community. I love my synagogue. I love all of the learning I'm going. I even met some of my students today (registration and schedules) and am enjoying where I work (even though it is a lot). I also love my apartment (condo). I love my neighbors. I know I'm going to get warn out and exhausted once I have students in my classroom full time, but I'm enjoying life at this very moment. Life is good, and I'm happy. Thank you, Hashem for every good moment. |
| On Sunday I had my first meeting with the Beit Din (Jewish Court). I was prepared to be in a room with 3 men (there were 4), but being prepared mentally doesn't always work. Just because I knew I was going to be in a room with a bunch of men, didn't mean that my body and brain would respond properly when I was actually sitting there. When I got to the room, they were in a closed meeting. How did I know they were in a closed meeting? I could hear them yelling through the door. I knew that when I walked into the meeting room, they would not be yelling at me. However, that knowing did not make my brain and body respond with ease anyway. I was shaking and constantly on the verge of tears the entire time. I couldn't say anything properly, and I know I missed a great opportunity. Even though I understand my reaction and worked to overcome the natural response of freezing, I didn't, and I'm sad. They told me to read the Shulchan Arukh. It is a five volume set of laws. I came home and bought the set. It was $152. It is already delivered and sitting on my living room floor. Since it is Tisha B'Av (in less than an hour) and you can't do anything that makes you happy on the day of mourning, I did not open the box. I will read them, and I will continue to do whatever they want me to do. Next time, I hope I am more my normal self. G-d is in control and everything happens for a reason. I leave the meeting on G-d's hands and keep studying and working towards my goal. I love you Hashem with all that I am. |
| After moving all my things, I started work this week. I left Thursday night to go back up north to finish cleaning up the apartment I moved from. I slept on a stained mattress on the living room floor (taking it to the dump the next day) using a stuffed dog as my pillow and no blanket. The place I am moving from were not very nice about me moving out. They are charging me the extra $65 a month for having cable even though I had it shut off. They also threatened to charge me an extra month's rent (including extra for the cat that is not there and the cable which is not turned on) after my lease ended (September 30th) just because they could. I shed a lot of tears, freaked out a bit, and then remembered (WHY DON'T I DO THIS FIRST!!) that I was not going through this process alone (Hashem is with me) and that everything will work out according to Hashem's plan. I finally stopped crying and said, "I trust you G-d. If they overcharge me, I know you will help me figure out how to pay it." One thing this conversion process has taught me is to trust Hashem fully. Everything I experience, every hardship I go through, every injustice, every blessing, everything is for the good. Once my emotions were back in check, I cleaned hard to get done before I had to come back home for Shabbat. It was Friday and my time was up. I was not finished with my cleaning. I had about two more hours worth of cleaning to do. I had to make a choice. Do I stay and finish so I don't have to drive another three hours each way and never come back again, or do I leave and make it home for Shabbat? I will be renting a hotel room next Thursday night so I don't have to drive a total of six hours in one day. I will then finish next Friday and turn in my key. I know that decisions to observe Shabbat and holidays are always going to be in my life from now on. I pray that I always make the right decision, just like I did this past Shabbat. Thank you G-d for supporting me, comforting me, providing for me, and guiding me through this entire process. I love you. |
| When I look back over the past couple of years, I remember the times that I asked G-d for this. I asked for truth. I asked to know the Torah. I asked the know to difference between a commandment, a law, and a statute. I told G-d, "I just want to worship you. Please help me do that right!" Now, here I am in a new city starting a new job this week and experiencing a lot of firsts that may seem small on a grander scale, but are huge to me. I went to Walmart for the first time and got lost looking for my car for the first time. I talked to strangers on the side of the road for the first time. I met new neighbors for the first time. I answered the question, "Where do you live?" with, "Right down the road" for the first time. All of these are small things but big things, and my firsts did not end there. I walked to shul yesterday from my apartment for the very first time. On my walk home (1), I saw a couple of little kids (probably 4 and 7) selling lemonade. I, of course, did not have any money on me (2). The little girl ran up to me and gave me a marker, led me over to her stand, and asked me to draw on the whiteboard (3). I so much wanted to for that adorable little girl, but did not. They offered to give me a glass of lemonade anyway (4), which was so sweet, but I did not accept. I am hoping they are there today so I can visit and buy some. I came home and ate the cholent that I had made which was my first Shabbos meal (5) in my new apartment. I took my first Shabbos nap in my new apartment. Then walked with a friend to Tehillim and back. I read my first couple of chapters in new apartment (6), And I said Havdalah (7) for the first time in my new apartment. 1. No driving on Shabbat - I broke this rule every week until I moved here. 2. No business on Shabbat - as a safeguard, most Jews do not even touch money on Shabbat. I broke this rule every week to buy kosher groceries at Meijer on my way home and to buy gas. 3. No creating on Shabbat - that means no drawing, writing, or anything that would be considered as creating 4. No appearance of evil - even though I did not buy anything, it could have looked like I did if I had accepted the lemonade. 5. Three meals on Shabbat - there are three meals that are supposed to be eaten on Shabbat. I have not been able to attend shul and eat a meal at home on the same day, until now. 6. Torah and Torah law should be studied on Shabbat - I never had time to do this on Shabbat because I was driving until the end of Shabbat or even after Shabbat ended on most Saturdays. When I was staying at someone's house, I could read there, but it wasn't home, ever. Until now. 7. Havdalah is the separation of the holy day of Shabbat and the mundane days of the week - this was hard for me because I always had to not only let go of Shabbat, but also let go of the community for another week. Until now. Every part of my body hurts from moving, and I still have so much work to do to get every part of this place in usable shape. I'm still attending my Hebrew classes with GZ, praying, listening to The Ark online classes, and trying to read as much as possible (articles and books) to keep my learning up. The application for the Beit Din seems so overwhelming at the moment. Am I pushing too fast and too hard? Or am I just scared? What do I say in the application? I feel like my life is me being asked to take a step of faith on an invisible bridge. I, however, am not Indiana Jones, and the cliff behind me is no longer in sight, and the cliff ahead of me is not in view yet. I am standing over a deep chasm alone and taking one step at a time, So, I am going to take the next step and pray to G-d, "Please, hold on to me and never let go." Thank you Hashem for all these firsts that I have experienced and will experience. |
| Over 600 miles is what I have driven in the past week. Every muscle in my body hurts. Today I moved the last of my things to my new apartment. I have slept here once (with D2 and her husband). Tonight will be my first night here alone. I think it is amazing that the time I had given up hope for another year, that is when G-d said, "Now." Within a month I had a new job and a new apartment. I am within walking distance of my shul. No more driving three hours one way to attend services. No more fake candles for Shabbat. All the anti-Jewish rules of my old apartment don't matter now. I get to observe Shabbat. I get to set up a kosher kitchen. I get access to kosher groceries and restaurants. Although I hate the city, and my first meal in my new apartment was a PB&J spread with a spoon, and although I can't find anything, and although I have things all over the floor, and although I have no idea where my official parking spot is at, and although I am still a bit scared and way out of my comfort zone, I finally feel like I'm almost home. Now, I get to make my bed and look forward to the next steps in my conversion. I love you Hashem with all that I am. Thank you for all your blessings. I am truly overwhelmed. |
| It's hard to believe its been over a month since my last entry. I can say that my stress has turned into busy, which is very much like me. However, my busy isn't just busy. It's life changing busy. Work has kept me busy. I finished my initial paperwork and fingerprinting for my new job. I also have my start date. I officially resigned my current job, and tomorrow will be my last day of work here teaching summer school. I have been sad about this day or so long, but now that it is finally here, I'm not. I'm more focused on what I need to do next, and happy for the good memories that I have here. I will miss my students very much. Summer school has afforded me the ability to move and pay for two apartments for two and a half months. So, now I am moving. I have until the end of September to be completely moved out, but I start work at my new job next month. The three hour drive will not give me much time to move once school starts. It is a three hour drive one way. I will have to have everything moved before school starts. I will be able to clean walls, window sills, and carpets during labor day weekend, but that will be the only time that I have. I've started going to a class with the Rabbi's wife on Saturday evenings, so I have not been coming home until Sunday. However, there have been events and friends showing me around on Sundays, so I haven't been getting home until very late. If I am hungry when I get home, because I'm not stopping for fast food, I then need to cook myself something to eat. It has made for late nights and very tired Mondays. Remember the one side business I started when I was very discouraged about how I would be able to afford to move and pay a higher rent? I have not put any time into that and it has gone nowhere. However, the other business that I am working on with a friend, I have been putting hours of time into. I am seeing progress. I am not getting a profit from it yet, and it might be another year before I do, but it is coming along and has great potential. Classes have been taking up a lot of my time as well. I have been attending a lot of Hebrew classes as well as the book of Isaiah in Hebrew. I feel like I am finally at a point where I am no longer struggling to learn, but starting to put everything together. My vocabulary is growing. My ability to put together sentences is better. My ability to respond without freezing (cycling through languages) has gotten better. Also, my ability to read text and understand the meaning has gotten better. I can read it, say it, listen to it, and understand a lot of the words. I'm still better reading with nikkud instead of without it, but I can recognize more words. My Chabad class attendance has decreased because of my Hebrew classes and my unstable internet. It is frustrating to start a class and not be able to listen to it. I've been instead, listening to recordings of the classes posted on YouTube. I have also been listening to more classes online with the Rabbi who sparkles. So, a new job, a new apartment, moving, still studying Hebrew, still listening to classes online, attending in person class, and there's still more. Life has not slowed or stood still in the past month. With so much more to say, the rest will have to wait for tomorrow. |
| I think my stress level has hit a new high. I love that I am moving onto the next step, but doing this is hard. I couldn't move to the community without a job first. Now that I have a job, I need housing quick. However, I am still under contract with my apartment until the end of September. I am now frantically trying to find a place to live, doing entry paperwork for my new job, registering for workshops that are weeks before I was told my start date would be, and wondering how I am going to move once I find a place and be able to afford rent on both places on top of a down payment. I had to turn down the second job offer, which I have never done before, turn down another job interview, which I have never done before, and tell my boss that I am going to resign my position for a new job. I am emotionally spent by hurting others because I am abandoning them. I don't want to do anything. I just want to lay in my bed and cry. I know I need to do this. When I am all set up and the school year has started, and when I am settled in a new place, I know I will be okay. That day, however, is not today. Today I am not okay. I do not like this step of conversion at all. I love you Hashem. I trust you Hashem. |
| I think one of my favorite holidays so far is Shavuot. I love everything about it: the reading of the Ten Commandments, the gatherings, the dairy food, the two days of prayers, the Priestly Blessing, no work, no electronics, and still the ability to take hot showers. It was comfortable, and it was spiritual (which was very uplifting). I spent Tuesday night until Sunday afternoon in the community with friends. It was just what I needed for the world to feel right for a while. Over the holiday, I did have a panic attack for the first time in a while though. I was staying with friends and they were invited to lunch for the holiday, so I went with them. I had never met the family that we had lunch with. There were five tables set up and people there that I had never met. At first, I admit, I panicked. But the family was amazing, the food was amazing, and all the guests were wonderful. I received a blessing for the first time ever in my life. It was an experience that I will never forget. I have been working on moving to the community for my conversion. The day after Shavuot, I had two interviews. Within two hours of completing both interviews, I had two job offers. Today, I accepted one. They made me an offer I could not refuse ($8000 more didn't hurt either). Now, I just need a place to live. And to tell my boss that I accepted another job. I'm excited about the first thing. Not the second. |
| I have a couple of things with this conversion that I am really struggling with today. I am still working on moving to the community. I have to have a job to be able to apply for an apartment. I have had two phone interviews. One today. Friday, I have a follow up in person interview from my first phone interview. I should have another in person interview scheduled by next week Tuesday. Many of my coworkers and students (current as well as previous) asked me if I was leaving. I was honest. I had students tell me that I am abandoning them. I had parents upset because I wouldn't be teaching their children next year. Parents, coworkers, and students said they were going to pray that I didn't get hired. Leaving my current job really is hard. I love them even more than they seem to like me. However, I need to go. I received my lease renewal last Friday. I haven't even opened it yet. Shavuot is this week. I will be going down and staying in the community with wonderful people. Leaving there to come back here will be hard. It is always hard. I can't keep living two lives, and I've chosen because I know where I need to be. I have to admit that some parts of this conversion are really hard. Leaving my job for another one is hard. Having one foot in the community and one foot out is hard. Then there is all the antisemitism that is ramping up. I go the same gas station every Saturday on my way home. The guy that was there was always so nice, the gas was the cheapest around, and for a bonus, they have my sweet tea in cans. That guy hasn't been there the past few times I have been there. His brother has who looks at me with such hatred that I try not to visibly shake. Then there is my Muslim friend from Morocco that posted on one of the videos that show the hostages being reunited with their families. He said, "So you admire Israel Genocide in phalastine ??" Then I have other friends that tell me conversion shouldn't be this hard. Then an argument ensues. Do I enjoy more tension with friends? Do I enjoy hearing comments and wondering if I am safe because of the jewelry that I am wearing or because of my beliefs? This isn't fun. This is hard. This scary sometimes. Asking me to stop my conversion is like asking me to stop breathing. I just want to worship G-d the way he wants me to worship him. This is what he has shown me he wants, and I can't go back. I can't go back to a life of one toe in and surface level preaching with manipulative narratives that serve only the purpose of the preacher. I can't go back to a life without thinking of G-d the very moment I am conscious, and praying, and thanking him, and understanding him better, and growing closer than I ever thought was possible. I can't go back. I don't want to go back. This is the relationship with G-d that I have been looking for my entire life. Even in the hard and scary moments, how could I give that up? |
| This past Shabbat we said a blessing for the new month. It was the second month that I did not know what month was next. I had gotten behind on my whiteboard because of work. Sometimes when I don't know things like that: days of the week, the month, etc., I feel like a little child. I'm learning everything all over again. Not just how to pronounce Monday in another language, but an entire different calendar system. I don't have it down yet, and it makes me feel so inadequate. It's been a year that I have been studying the holidays and going through the Hebrew calendar, but I still feel behind. I know that with work, and Hebrew classes, and Chabad Academy classes, and the Ark online, and books I'm reading, and anything else I can get my hands on, I'm being way to hard on myself. The problem is that the more I know, the more I can do. I want nothing more than to worship Hashem the way he wants me to worship him. I can't do what I don't know to do. G-d has been so good to me. I just want everything I do to make him happy. I know that is not always going to happen, but the more I know, the better person I can be, and the better I am able to follow his will for my life. I know I have come so far. I am not having to hide in a stranger's bathroom and having a panic attack. I don't have to google every other word to understand a sentence. I have good prayer habits. I study Torah every week. I want more than ever to be a Jew. I don't ever want to go back to just being. |
| Shabbat was perfect. It's not often that anyone can say that a day was perfect. I ran late (like always), but there was an energy in the air and in the singing that I had missed for a while. For a whole day, the balance between light and dark seemed to be restored. I didn't feel the pressure of darkness. I felt the light that I have been missing. It wasn't one particular person. It wasn't even a group of people. It was the entire day. It was the prayers, the people, the singing, the Torah, the message, the food, the nap, the everything. There was a deep feeling that even though the world was not at peace, my soul was at peace. I was where I belonged, and I could feel it. I left the community very late. I didn't get to do Havdalah. I ended the Shabbat driving home. Never have I ever felt the separation of Shabbat and the weekday like I did this time. I could feel the great light leave, and it was sad. I felt like I lost something, but the Shabbat just ended and the weekday began. It was almost midnight when I made it home. When work gets exhausting, life gets overwhelming, and people let me down, for one special day, none of that matters. Shabbat. Best Shabbat yet. |
| It is the end of the school year, so my days are extra long. If I don't have time to do the Schema before I leave for work because I need to be there extra early, I take my Siddur so I can do it during my prep hour. My days have been so long that I have repeatedly been falling asleep while praying the bedtime prayer. It breaks my heart, because that is my favorite prayer. I passed on a Hebrew lesson last night so I could get to bed a little earlier and make it through the entire prayer. It's not just the length of my days that are throwing off my studying. I was at an awards ceremony to present awards for a few departments. The group of students who received a 3.9 to 4.0 were getting onto the stage and the guy behind me said, "Good thing there are no Jews here." I was floored. I did not know how to take that statement. I have so much more to say, but Shabbat is starting soon. Good Shabbos. |
| I think everyone has heard of Passover when the blood of a lamb was put on the doorposts and the firstborn was killed. What not everyone knows is that the night that they killed the lamb, there were some that could not participate because they were in charge of taking care of Jacob's bones. Those people were ritually impure and could not participate in the sacrifice to G-d. They, however, wanted to be able to serve also and thought it wasn't fair that they missed out. G-d agreed to give them a second chance. Thirty days later is Pesach Sheni, the second (or little) Passover. Though there are traditions that come with the holiday, like eating matzah, but Pesach Sheni has so much more meaning than the few traditions that accompany it. Pesach Sheni comes with an amazing and inspiring message of hope and second chances. The idea is that no matter what you have done in your life, there is always the chance to change and to come back to Hashem. The idea of second chances and repentance is a common and recurring theme in Judaism. G-d forgives. All that matters is that you come back to G-d. I have to admit that I was overwhelmed with work on Pesach Sheni and didn't even think about it. However, I had a hankering for matzah (and my daughter did too) so we ate it with dinner. It was during my Hebrew class a little bit later when I said, "אני אוכלת מצה" or, in English, "I am eating matzah" that my teacher GZ reminded me that it was the holiday. Only in Judaism is there an entire holiday dedicated to second chances to get right with G-d. What a G-d we have! |
| So many things have hit my heart this past weekend. Not in a bad way, but in a way that made me think about my responsibilities to G-d because I love him. I didn't go to shul because I needed to find the missing spark of life and see the world as more than just a dark place. I won't lie, there is still a darkness that wasn't there before, and I don't know when that darkness will become hidden again by the overwhelming presence of light. However, there are so many lessons that I learned over the past year that took root in my heart this weekend and reinforced that this journey of converting to Judaism is anchored in the desire to follow the will of G-d. Sometimes it take a culmination of multiple lessons to bring one out of darkness and back into the light. On my way to work Friday, I ran over a bird in the middle of the road. I thought it was dead when I ran over it, because it just sat there without moving. However, when I looked into my rearview mirror, I saw it hopping to the side of the road. It was alive when I ran it over, and it lived after my car passed over its head. I thought about a part of lesson that one of the rabbi's had taught that G-d took care of every bird, knew the number of feathers it had and lost, and knew the very moment that bird would die. I have always had a sense of comfort by birds and felt that a bird close to me was G-d's way of telling me that he will take of me. I have definitely been run over with grief these past couple of weeks, and every moment G-d has been there to take care of me. I have no doubts that he will continue in every aspect of my life. I ran over a snake slithering across the road on my way home (there is always a lot of wildlife where I live so this is actually a normal day). I was afraid for a moment that my back tire would have gotten part of its body or head, but when I looked in my rearview mirror, and it was raising it head to bite (I assume my car). The part of a prayer (from Tehillim 91) for bedtime that says, "He will command his angles for you, to protect you in all your ways. They will carry you on palms, lest you strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the viper; you will trample the young lion and the serpent. For he has yearned for me and I will deliver him." I felt safe and protected, and not just because I was in a metal car. As I held that baby girl in my arms and watched the big sister of the baby, whose 2nd birthday party I was attending, run around and play, I felt the potential of light shining through this darkness that overwhelmed my view of the world. It reminded me of the Jewish philosophy that you were born at a specific moment in time because G-d thought the world would not be complete without you. I have lost three people to suicide in the past 6 years. But instead of focusing on the loss, while I held that smiling, slobbering, baby, I thought I about the light that those three people gave the world the time I did have with them. I could feel the love and the light they shared, and it was still there inside me. Then a friend's voice came to mind and what he told me about honoring those who have passed by doing a good deed for them since they can't do it themselves anymore. Though he is not Jewish, his words of comfort resonated a Jewish idea of doing a mitzvah (good deed) to elevate the soul of a loved one who had passed. Then I had come to mind the quote, "When the world is at it's darkest, we must shine our light even brighter." I was able to light candles, which was the last of my tears for Shabbat. I easily prayed the Shabbat service. I easily said the Wayfarer's prayer (Tefilat Haderech) as I drove to my cousin's. I prayed for the counting of the Omer. Then, I fell asleep during the bedtime prayer, but it was after 1am, so I think I get a little grace on that one. Prayers this morning were easy and fulfilling. I'm happy that I can pray again without breaking down and pray with purpose. I know my world will get bright again, and I will continue to let G-d show his light through me as long as I have breath. Thank you G-d for everything. I love you. |
| I finally updated my wall calendar last night. It was not happening the past two weeks. I need to add a couple things to it, and there is one week that I didn't write down the candle lighting and end of Shabbat times. I don't remember them and would have to look them up. It doesn't seem necessary. I've been able to start listening to The Ark videos again. I have been able to pray part of the bedtime prayer. I start crying and fall asleep before completing past the Shema. I can make it through the morning blessings again in Hebrew. On my way to work, I have decided to read the Wayfarer's Prayer in Hebrew. I have had to look it up anyway, so if I'm going to be reading it, I might as well do it with a more powerful language. Crying during that prayer is normal. I always do. I wonder when I will be able to pray and just talk to G-d without crying out in pain to him. The world still feels so dark. Everything feels dark. Even the way the light shines on the leaves of the trees outside my window is different, darker. I miss the feeling of the room as I pray and I can feel G-d's presence and attention to my words, and his patience as I read slowly in Hebrew, and his happiness as I add my own words of love for him and then keep going, I miss his presence so full of light and warmth and hope. I know that G-d is still with me and comforting me when I need it. He reminds me of the little things that bring hope just enough to keep going and make it through the day. He continues to show me that my conversion journey is not over. I said a brucha over a bagel while at my desk at work and heard a voice in my ear say, "You should have washed your hands first." I laughed and said, "Yes, I should have." I don't think any students heard me talking to myself, but it made me feel a bit more like myself. I'm looking forward to the day when my prayer are again full of substance instead of my cry, "I need you my king." |
| My heart is broken. Functioning this past week as almost impossible. I didn't talk to some people I loved, because I couldn't. I didn't attend some Hebrew classes, because I couldn't. I know what Judaism believes about death, but I spend days researching it anyway. I never expected grief to be a subject of one of my conversion entries, but Hashem has his own road map of my life. I had a friend who died by gunshot wound last week. His story was in the papers. He was a teacher that I had gone to college with, tutored with in college, and worked at the same school with (both of our first teaching jobs). I had gone to college with his mother, his wife, and his brother. I remember him proposing to his wife. His smile was contagious, and he was willing to help anyone and gave his all to teaching others. He was a bright light that lit the fires of so many others. He was also a light to me. Grief has rules in Judaism. You are permitted to grieve for a week, then again in 30 days, a year, and every anniversary of their death. This is how the grieving process has gone for me. Day 1 was shock. I was added to a group chat of college classmates with the same reaction of shock. Day 2 shock and sadness and watched as the group chat talked good things about him, because he was all good. I started having private conversations with Hashem during my prayers. I never made it through any of them. Day 3 I could not function. I went to work and informed a college who went to college with me and the person who died. Then, I broke. I put a blooket game on for students for them to play on material that we hadn't even covered yet just for something for them to do and still feel as though I was contributing to their learning or exposure of content. I cried repeatedly without the ability to stop. I called the school social worker and broke down in front of her. I have no idea how I conducted class after class. Even though I was there, I wasn't there. It was teacher appreciation week, and the lunch that was delivered was full of dairy and meat mixed. I gave mine away. I messaged my American Rabbi. I just wanted to get through the day. His response helped me to do that. I went home and went to bed. I never made it through a prayer all day. I tried, but the name of G-d, Adonai, Hashem, or any name for G-d made me stop and cry. My heart ached too much. I couldn't pray. My heart just called out to G-d in pain. In bed, while crying, I talked with my Hebrew tutor, GZ, on the phone. I talked with my prayer tutor, L, on the phone. Somehow, I slept. Day 4 I cried out of the blue. I made plans with classmates to meet them at the funeral home for the showing. I had a responsibility to be there for his wife, his mother, and his brother. I taught content somehow between my breakdowns. The teacher appreciation lunch that was delivered had ham and cheese. I didn't eat. I made challah dough. A double batch. It rose a little long and I had a small mess to clean up. I checked in with multiple people this day: the school councilor, GZ, L, and messaged all my children to tell them I loved them. Again, praying was hard. I didn't make it through a prayer. My heart was still crying out in pain to Hashem. Day 5 I took a half day so I could get in a short nap before driving across the state to make it to the funeral home. I taught content again during the hours I was there between my breakdowns. When I walked out of class in tears, the kids worried. I don't remember the teacher appreciation lunch or if I ate anything. I don't remember the drive to the funeral home. I stood in the funeral home outside the entrance and watched the video of my friend. In every picture throughout his childhood and adulthood, he had a big amazing smile on his face. I stood there for an hour. A friend showed up from college and walked in first. I somehow followed. I couldn't look at the open casket. It wasn't my friend. He was gone. I made his wife laugh, I hugged her tightly a couple times. I held his mother and father's hands. When his mother spoke, that's when I was informed, suicide. He died by suicide. I continued through the line hugging his sister and making his brother laugh. I was numb and broken. I can't imagine how they felt. I walked to a pizza place with my friend and his wife, caught up, and somehow drove home. I checked in with the same people and two of my daughters. I made it through the traveler's prayer in English on my way to work. That was the only prayer I made it through. I just held my siddur and kissed it, both in the morning and at night. Again, I couldn't get any words to come from my lips. My heart spoke to Hashem. Day 6 I functioned most of the day at school and only broke down during class a few times. I have no idea what I did this day, but I remember that there was cheese pizza at lunch. My boss talked to me in the lunch room about the reference letter he sent. I hadn't looked at it yet. He said he hoped it helped, but at the same time that it doesn't. I knew what he meant. I made up a Hebrew class I missed, I think, or did I make my classes? I don't even remember. At crochet club, we played a card game. I watched everyone else laugh. If I laughed, I I don't remember. There was no joy in anything. I shared with my coworker what was going on before going home. I baked challah because it was Thursday. I have no idea how I did it. I made 8 loaves and a couple dozen rolls. I spent time researching death on Chabad. I attended a few Hebrew classes, and I private tutored a student in another state over Zoom at no charge. I chatted with random people about random things. I tried to attend a class with a Rabbi. I cried. A lot. I realized that I hadn't said Modeh Ani when I woke. I said it while saying part of the morning blessings. That is all I made it through. Day 7 I tried to be okay. I still cried, but I was able to answer questions of students. I thought that the 7 day mourning rule was stupid. I cried without warning and had no control over the strength or length of my tears. My students ate bread every hour. Not a single person made a mess. How did 150 kids eat bread in my classroom and not make a mess? I taught a lesson and kids listened. I made it through the traveler's prayer in Hebrew. I said the Modeh Ani when I woke. I said the blessings and tried to make it through more prayer, but couldn't. After work, I packed a suitcase and headed to my daughter D house. She and her husband drove me down to a hotel within walking distance of my shul. I cried multiple times, but I said the traveler's prayer again in Hebrew. I didn't make it though anything else. Day 8 I walked to shul. I tried to be okay. I put on make up (which broke Shabbat) so I wouldn't cry. My son-in-law pushed the elevator buttons for me. I wondered if I should have even been in an elevator. I caught myself every time I broke Shabbat. I shouldn't have pushed that button, or that button. I shouldn't have used my cell phone as an alarm. I shouldn't have used the GPS to make it until I knew where I was. I shouldn't have turned off my phone. I couldn't pray at shul though I tried. I couldn't follow along with the Torah or the Rabbi's message. I've never left shul having no idea what the message was about. I kept crying and tried hard to hold it in. It didn't work, and everyone was concerned. I was given a wad of tissues. I didn't want to tell anyone what happened, because it was Shabbat. Being sad is not permitted on Shabbat. I took an invitation (actually 2 separate ones by the same family) to go to lunch. I was thankful they asked, so I didn't have to go downstairs and cry in front of a large amount of people. It felt as though part of the light of Shabbat was missing. Part of the light of the sun was missing. Part of the light of my soul was missing. Two small babies (and their parents) joined us for lunch. I couldn't react much with the babies, but I watched them. I tried to feel their smiles and enjoy their giggles and noises. My soul felt as though there was a hole in it. They were a nice distraction and small spark of light. All I could think was that they were alive. That was all that mattered. Those two babies were alive. I went back to the hotel to take a nap. I slept through Women's Tehillim. I went to the lobby and read for two hours making it through 10 chapters. I ate delivery and went back to bed. Day 9 It's mother's day. I said the Modeh Ani after my shower. I said my morning blessings and prayers. It took over an hour and three breaks, but I did it. I had a wonderful afternoon with my children and a friend. I listened to friendly council, ate good food, and went to stores to shop. I bought a bottle of water. I functioned all day. I attended three Hebrew classes and smiled and laughed at my mistakes. Multiple people from shul reached out to me. I told them what happened. I apologized for crying on Shabbat and thanked them for caring. Never this week did I feel alone. I was never alone. Hashem was with me and made sure there was someone every moment of the day to let me know that Hashem loves me. I still think the 7 day mourning rule is stupid because it is not possible to shut off mourning. However, I can function now. I can pray now, even though my heart cries out to G-d in pain throughout the day. I still feel an overwhelming sense of darkness and imbalance between good and bad in the world. I still feel a light missing from my soul that was there before. My sense of hope is 100% faith and no feeling. I'm still broken. I will try to pray before bed. Even if it is just a paragraph. |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
