Mental Meanderings

You at 15

Well today I accomplished my writing goal and even started writing some of a chapter. It was a random location actually, not really the beginning of the chapter nor the end. Just a snippet in the middle.

Once again I forgot to set the timer so I'd already divided up my outline and got about halfway through the writing when I realised. I think I'd done 20mins by then and my mind said shouldn't that alarm be dinging by now? Well of course it should. I set it going anyway and tried for another 20 mins but the kids woke up before I could finish.

I still feel good because I know I did more than the 20 mins. I just hope I can remember to turn the alarm on tomorrow. I'll feel even better reaching the end of that buzzer.

Today I was reading the entries to the "Invalid Item" . I enjoyed writing my own letters and it was interesting reading others. It's amazing that all of us felt that age 15 was a particularly hard time. I didn't read any letters that carried on about how great life is at 15. Each of us had our own struggles and each of us told ourselves to be strong and that the future is brighter.

Perhaps 15 is a tough age for everyone. Or perhaps we only remember the difficulties. I know I can't think of much happiness at age 15. 15 is when my English teacher gave my a serious blow for my writing dreams. I trusted her feedback and was very disappointed. English was a class I actually worked hard in but still got an F. And not just the F that set me back but I'd given her some of my writing to read and she'd never got back to me about it.

15 was when my brother Gaelon was psycotic. It was a scarey time for us at home because he could become violent. He was distant and I felt so apart from him. After having been so close it was very hard. But eventually he returned more or less to normal and we returned to a close relationship.

15 was when my 'friends' at school all turned on me. I felt shattered and heart broken and I couldn't understand why they couldn't like me for who I was. My problems developing friendships extend long before them but their betrayel reinforced my insecurities and to this day I am still fighting the damage caused. I wonder if our 15 year old selves realize the long standing effect we have on ourselves and each other.

15 was the time I kept a knife in my bedroom, willing myself to use it on myself. It was the time when I believed no one could see me. When I thought everyone else was more important and no one cared about me.

But reading over the other letters people wrote to their 15 year old self I was glad to see that everyone had difficulties at age 15. Age 15 is a difficult age for everyone. I want to give my kids an age 15 that they can look back on and know they were happy. I want my kids writing letters to their 15 year old selves remembering all the good times. Does anyone have a 15 year old self that remembers only happiness and joy at being inbetween childhood and adulthood?