So this is Life??

Dilemma

Well, how crazy are things now? I guess I should update you on what's been going on before I delve into my current issue.

Spring Break was fun. I didn't spend but one night at home watching tv. All the other nights I was either out with my friends or with Quinton. I met a little more of his family. And they are all so warm and loving. I'm not used to that but I really like it. Thursday: went to the bar and got drunk. Friday: Went to the club with the girls to celebrate my best friend's 21rst birthday. It kinda sucked but my friend liked it and that's all that really matters. Got my hair done, went to the mall and went shopping with Quinton. And we made love in his new house. Spent Easter Sunday with my family. was back in Baltimore Monday morning.

Okay, now onto the drama. Yesterday, I spent a significant amount of time with Eisley. We went to church together because my roommate and her boyfriend overslept. (Damn Daylight Savings Time!) Well, after church, I hung out at his apartment until about three in the afternoon because I was going out with some friends for dinner. While I was there, Eisley was just being ultra affectionate. I had been wearing these amazing looking stilletto heels and my feet were killing me. I've come to a realization that the sexiness of a high-heeled shoe and the pain involved in wearing the shoe are directly related. That is, the sexier the shoe, the more painful it is to wear. I say all that to say, we were at the apartment and I slipped off the shoes and he gave me a foot massage. Now that I look back on that, I should have never accepted it.

He dropped me off on campus and I spent most of the dinner trying to convince my friends that there was nothing going on with me and Eisley and I was completely in love with Quinton. All the while, in the back of my mind, fuming about how all the attention from Eisley was a little late. It doesn;t take much for me to remeber how, in the not-so-distant past, I would have easily killed thousands for a second of his attention. But he couldn't be bothered with me. Now, here I am, in the first healthy relationship that I have ever been in in my life, and now Eisley wants to start acting like he cares.

My second mistake was agreeing to hang out with him after dinner. I should have just kept my silly behind in my apartment. Sure, i would have een bored out of my mind but I'd at least still have a little peace of mind. But instead, I go back over to his apartment, and things get a little hot and heavy while we're watching DVDs. Finally I stop and I just keep saying that what I'm doing is wrong. My cell phone is on Loud and Quinton's special ringer plays harshly in the background. We stop and I call Quinton, thinking that he would be asleep and I could just leave a message on his voicemail. I don't deserve that kind of luck. He picked up the phone on the second ring and he sounded so happy to hear my voice. I couldn't deal with it. I got off the phone with him as soon as possible. A phone conversation that would have taken me into dreamland only lasted 11 minutes and 46 seconds.

My third mistake was staying in Eisley's apartment after the call. I should have told him to take me home. But I stay. And things get a little crazy again. I never kiss him on the mouth, that's one thing I can definitely claim with confidence. We end up in his bedroom, both of us are half naked and my body finally caught up to my mind. I had nothing short of a meltdown. I couldn't stop crying or shaking. Eisley just held me until I calmed down and then took me home. I cried myself to sleep.

I'm faced with this dilemma. To tell or not to tell? Tell him and run the risk of losing one of the best things that ever happened to me? Or don't tell and let this guilty episode eat me alive? The really messed up part of things is that it wasn't even worth it. Quinton is a far better lover than Eisley could ever dream of being. I couldn't even really get into Eisely's hands all over my body. His touch was rough, his tempo was all wrong, his kisses against my neck were awkward and sloppy. CLosing my eyes was all I could do to keep from vomiting, yet i remained passive! Why????

The guilt is really ripping through my soul. Every song that I hear leaves me on the brink of tears. And I can't seem to keep myself still. If I stand still for too long I start welling up again. I just feel absolutely gross. Then there's Quinton. This could really hurt him, and he could lose his trust in me. But on the other hand, we've were friends before we were lovers and keeping this from him kinda shows a lack of respect for our friendship. It als would go against everything that I stand for. My biggest beef with some people in life is that they feel the need to shield me from the truth. So, what would I look like if I didn't practice what I preach and just tell Quinton the truth. He deserves that much.

Well, I guess the question isn't to tell or not to tell. I already made it up in my mind that I'm going to tell him what happened. The dilemma is whether or not he forgives me. I don't know what I'd do if he walks away. He's been one of my primary sources of happiness for the past year, and I don't know how I would function if he decided that he would leave.