Hey, life? Are you kidding me?

Perceptions

Okay, I've been thinking about this awhile -- well, all right, about a day and half, but for a person with a short attention span that's pretty long.

To try to get you to understand the chaos that exists in my brain, think of this: Remember the first time you heard your voice on a recording? it sounded weird, right? Not at all how you heard your voice. I think most of us didn't even like the way we sounded not because we think we have a beautiful voice, but just because it wasn't what we were hearing when we spoke.

So, what if all perceptions are kind of like that? Do we see ourselves as others see us? The more I think about it the trickier it becomes for a few reasons. It reminds me of a country song by Blake Shelton, "Who are you when I'm not looking?"

http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/shelton-blake/who-are-you-when-im-not-looking...

Let's face it, to some degree we wear masks - not necessarily mask to hide who we are, but in various parts of our lives we behave differently, accordingly.

For example, I think most people when asked to describe themselves would mention funny or good sense of humor. I realized this when I was helping a friend feel out a dating profile and she put down 'funny'. I stopped myself right before I blurted out, "Since when?" I mean we can't all be funny, can we? Maybe we can depending who we are with. I mean funny is pretty subjective. I'll be honest I think I can be hilarious - I mean I make myself laugh, that counts, right? lol. But when i asked one of my closest friends to describe me - funny didn't come up. I was like - WHAAATTTT? I am more sweet than funny? who have you been hanging out with?

I did a facebook poll - research per se - asking people to honestly describe me in 3 words - i told them i was fine with the negative (of course, they were smarter than that lol). What I found interesting is that not many of them described me the same way. At first i was concerned maybe I had multi-personality disorder or was never my real self with anyone, but I think what it really is - is we look for qualities that we value. For example, my mom was the only one that mentioned smart (thanks, mom!) - but education is extremely important to her. Am I making sense?

I've had many of talks with distraught middle school girls over someone "judging" them different than how they want to be seen. I always ask them why it matters so much what others think? One rather smart girl threw it back at me - Don't you care what people think? I had to be honest (I stink at lying) - to a degree what others think matters but not to the point where i will change who i am or let it upset me. I told her I know I have faults and if that's all they can see - than that is their choosing and in reality no matter how I try to force my "good" qualities on them it won't help.

So when you look in the mirror the reflection looking back may not be the same as the those around you see - but really it is you who must accept yourself faults and all. For instance, I have a terrible flaw - one I doubt I'll ever be rid of - I'm the type of person who likes to help- - I'll do almost anything to lend a hand if i can - yes, to the point where some take advantage of it -- but i'm not a person to be walked over -- i know it's wrong but I'll let the little things go but when i reach my breaking point i don't just push back - I chuck norris round house kick your ass out of my life and don't look back. is it wrong? well, yeah. Is it something I'm proud of? no - - I mean when the preacher does a sermon on forgiveness I just cringe because I may forgive, i mean i try to but i'm not welcoming you back in my life. I guess i'm lucky not many people see this side of me even though i just put it on the world wide web - lol.

How do you see yourself? Let me tell you how i see you -- DETERMINED - you've made it through this rambling!

my mind is a scary place - but i kinda like it.

Here's "looking" at you, kid

Audra