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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| At my psyche appointment yesterday, I was told I would remain on the current meds. A new one called Trihexyphenidyl, which is for medication-induced Movement Disorder (or Parkinsonism) has also been prescribed. The antipsychotic causes the need to move my legs. It will take some time for the secondary meds to begin to work, so once again, I need to be patient. I believe it has to do with Dopamine uptake. I'm taking low doses of both meds. Around three weeks ago, I did a Google search for churches near me. I called the closest one and spoke to the Pastor for ten minutes. He seemed like a nice guy and I was invited to come and see what they were about. In the weeks following the call, I thought about my reasons for attending church. I must admit that I felt guilty, and if not for the fact I've been seeing hallucinations of demons, I doubt I would even contemplate it, let alone go. It makes sense that there must be a God if there are demons. This morning I threw a curveball question at Angel. "Do you want to come to church with me?" "No." Obviously. She isn't happy about me taking meds either but seems more bothered by Jesus than the chemical compounds I take (which so far only dulls the images and looks like a dark screen between her and me). At 9.45 am this morning I climbed on my bike and 'we' headed to church. It was very nice. I was introduced to most of the people there. It's a small congregation and that suits me fine. At one point, we were asked if there was anyone who needed prayers to come forward. I hesitated for a few moments before I went to the front and had hands on me. I was honest about my faith and it being low at best, and I would be lying if I said I am a believer. This is why I was hesitant. How can I expect something like prayer to work if I don't truly believe in the doctrine of Christianity...that Jesus died on the cross for my sins? I can get my head around a higher power/creator, but I struggle with Jesus being the son of God. They were very compassionate and I felt good because I didn't lie about the difficulty I have believing what is written in the bible...I mean, I've never even read the book. It was nice, however, to get out and talk to people. A few times during the service I closed my eyes to see what Angel thought of it all, and for the first time in a long time, no eyes were looking back at me. She said she was there (and I believe her) and that it didn't bother her, but for the next few hours after the service, she didn't look healthy or happy. She is notorious for making up BS. I wouldn't be surprised if the prayers had no effect on her and she was play-acting the slow answers and the sickly look. I don't care if I am suffering from psychosis. The meds keep the visions down to a level I can deal with. But if this is some form of demonic possession (or whatever else it might be in a physical sense), I don't like the sound of that one bit and I am willing to try anything to get rid of it. The doctors are sure it's meth-induced psychosis and it is hard to argue otherwise. But those who are not trained to make an evidence-based assessment...people who look at the spiritual possibilities of what I am going through, may think otherwise. I'm still sitting on the fence, although if I was forced to make a guess, I would say this is something more than a mental illness. Life is good and the funny thing is if not for this entity, I would likely be dead and would never have made the choice to move to Thailand and get my life back on track. If not for the entity, I wouldn't have gone to church today. It's hard for me to hate it because it gave me the incentive I needed through sheer terror, rather than using a kid-glove approach. A weird thing happens whenever I take my meds (which for the first few hours is a little intense). My hallucinations look high...and if this is true, that means the entity may not simply be a spirit, but biological. That also explains why, whenever I was coming down, she would terrorise me...she was coming down too. I'm hoping this two-pronged attack will be enough to send her packing...but I have my doubts that's going to happen. |
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