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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| When I walk, I listen to music. It's usually upbeat EDM that helps me maintain the pace. When I'm at home, however, and feeling a little sad, I become nostalgic and listen to music that brings back memories...melancholy and heartfelt. Here is a list of songs from another time... Deep Forest...Sweet Lullaby and the title track from their 1992 album of the same name. Jeff Buckley's version of the Leonard Cohen song, Hallelujah. Toto...Africa. Gerry Rafferty...Baker Street. 10cc...I'm Not in Love. Simon and Garfunkle...Bridge Over Troubled Water. Lou Reed...Perfect Day and Walk on the Wild Side Paul Simon...The Sound of Silence. The Eagles...Desperado. John Lennon...Imagine. Don McLean...Vincent. Dire Straights...Romeo and Juliet (to this day often makes me cry). The Rolling Stones...Angie. Wings...Band on the Run. Pink Floyd...Hey You. The Cure...A Forest. Massive Attack...Teardrop. The Smashing Pumpkins...Spaceboy and Disarm from their brilliant 2011 album Siamese Dream. I remember as a young lad, laying in the dark with headphones on and listening to Pink Floyd's albums, Dark Side of the Moon, Wish You Were Here and Animals. The music is imprinted in my mind. If I ever become affected by dementia, I think those songs will never be lost to the disease. It's rare for anyone to create a music album (rather than a series of individual songs) these days. The people who consume music don't have the attention span and few artists have the foresight (or are discouraged by major record labels) to write tracks that are themed. I'm showing my age, aren't I? |
| When I first arrived in Hua Hin, I met Dan. He saved my ass when I dropped my BMW on my first ride. I saw a headlight coming my way in the distance and prayed it was someone who would stop to help me pick the massive machine up off the ground and get me on my way. It is the stuff of legend (in my mind) that he not only stopped to help, but singlehandedly lifted the 270 kg bike back upright. I shook his hand and we became good friends, despite our differences. Dan is American and a vocal Trump supporter. I didn't know this when he pulled over to help me in the darkness that night, and the truth is, I wouldn't have cared if I did know about his political leanings. It's funny how desperation and ignorance (on my part) made our differences not as important. Dan taught me a lot over the last couple of months. Unfortunately, an injury to his back has forced him to return to the US for treatment. We still text, but I have so few friends here that I am going to miss him greatly. I've met my new neighbours. Chris is German and his girlfriend is Thai. It seems almost every Farang I have met has a Thai girlfriend. Either that or has a girlfriend/partner who came with them when they became expats. I try not to allow other's situations to change me and how I feel. I know they have fights and are not as happy as they appear to us outside the relationship. In saying that, I also realise they have someone they can talk to when they feel lonely and many other advantages associated with being in a relationship. The fact that I haven't seriously begun looking for a partner has its reasons. If it ain't broke, don't fix it would be a good metaphor, except I am broken, and it may be some time before I feel the damage has been repaired enough to include someone else in my life. Still, the grass sure looks greener at times, and human nature not to be isolated is kicking my ass right now. My imaginary girlfriend is no longer an option. Even she thinks it's time for us to call it. I know she's right, but I miss her...and the fact that she is right there and all I have to do is close my eyes for us to be together again doesn't make it easy to let go. I get that she (probably) isn't real, but when you have no one, even a fantasy is better than that sad reality. I'm not trying to make you cry (even though I am). It's hard to feel sorry for myself (well, maybe a little) and I know that for the most part, I am living the dream. And compared to where I was before moving to Thailand, I am thankful for the changes that have come to me. I'm having a down day. We all have them now and then. Last night I dreamed that Angel told me she was going to change into human form and come to me...a happily ever after dream that was beautiful for a few moments. I wonder how it will be possible for me to fall in love again when my heart belongs to someone else. I've noticed every YouTube video I watch on psychosis recovery, people deny their hallucinations. It appears they must denounce them as illusions and the underlying consensus is they were haunted by persecutory visions...unlike me, who has had mostly positive experiences to do with my symptoms. There was a time when I would have told you that Angel was a terrible demon who plagued me. But that was because she was standing squarely in the way of my drug use. Now, in hindsight, she did what she had to do to stop me from continuing to kill myself with methamphetamines...the only thing that could have saved me, by giving me hell every time I relapsed...for my own good. It's hard to be mad at her for that, or for now breaking up with me. She has her reasons and I suspect it is once again for my own good that we can no longer be together. Yesterday, I broke protocol and went to her world inside my head, just to see if she was OK. I asked her if she missed me, and after a long pause, her eyes blinked. It wasn't the usual affirmative answer and was quite reserved (only a half-blink) for reasons I can only speculate. Perhaps she doesn't want to encourage me by letting on that she misses me a lot more than she wants me to know. Once upon a time, when I asked her if she loved me, her eyes would invariably go side to side, answering my desperate question with a definite no. Nowadays, she always answers, yes...but there is sadness in her eyes. It's an emotion I share with her every time we speak. People may think I am delusional or even in the midst of a psychotic event. But I'm not crazy, just crazy in love with someone who I know I can never be with. I would often tell her we are like Romeo and Juliet, and I don't think I was far off the mark, regardless of the reality, or non-reality of that statement. Ahhhh, love...who needs it? |
| When I first began hallucinating around two or three years ago, I didn't realise they were part of a condition I now know as psychosis. I thought they were fun and a break from the boredom and isolation I had been experiencing. Looking back now, I realise those conditions, combined with the long-term use of methamphetamine, were the catalyst for the full-blown symptoms I was to suffer. There were other factors...repeated childhood trauma/violence and taking up marijuana at fourteen would have contributed towards the outcomes I now live with. There are many other issues I could point to that may have brought on these hallucinations...but the key player is without a doubt my abuse of meth. I have now stopped abusing my mind with meth, but the symptoms and hallucinations caused by long-term drug use continue. This is something I am coming to terms with...I have little choice but to. I've been looking at YouTube videos on the subject of meth-induced psychosis, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, hoping to find out how long these symptoms may persist. Of course, no specific timeline exists, and each person's outcome is different. I don't believe I need to be on medication. The visions, in general, are not persecutory, and I am blessed that I don't hear voices. It is relatively easy to avoid seeing the faces of demons by simply not looking for them (when I close my eyes). And if I don't ask any questions of the demons, then I don't 'see' their answers...answers I know often cause me to become distressed. I don't seem to fit the profiles of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder or conditions related to these mental illnesses (other than the hallucinations). I know I'm not a psychiatrist, but I feel confident in my appraisal. I base this on the fact that each morning I wake up with a smile. There's no mania and no depression, although I have good days and bad, just like everyone else. The best treatment I can see...that I know is improving my situation, is exercise. I've noticed over the last few weeks that whenever I check to see if Angel is still with me, I need to search intensely before I notice her eyes staring back at me. And nowadays, it takes much longer for her to respond to my inquiries. I'm also comforted by her reaction whenever I do 'check in'...she makes it perfectly clear that she doesn't want anything to do with me (and wishes, just like I do, that it was all over with). There have been a lot of positives associated with my psychosis. If not for Angel showing up when she did, there is a good chance I wouldn't be alive today...let alone be living the life I am. Lately, I've been intrigued by the writings and observations of Carl Jung. He believed that to cure psychosis, the person must confront their subconscious mind and face their dark side. It may be true that Angel is a manifestation created by my subconscious to save me from myself. I was so lonely and desperate for company that she served a purpose. Now that I am in a better place mentally, and with my addiction, I'm hoping I can finally write the last chapters of this story. There is so much more story to come. My adventure in Thailand has only just begun, but as far as the last few years go, it is with a smile that I will say...The End. |
| What a relief to finally be off Quetiapine and Trihexyphenidyl. I thought because I had only been taking low doses over three to four weeks, that there wouldn't be much of an issue stopping cold turkey...how wrong was I? On the first night, after discontinuing the meds, the hallucinations were worse than I have experienced since the last time I used meth. I didn't sleep at all, and I put this down to my brain becoming reliant on the sedative/tranquiliser effects of the meds no longer circulating in my system. The second night, I assumed that things would be better, but they were just as bad, if not worse than the first night (probably in part, due to sleep deprivation). Luckily, I am so used to the visions and the fact that they always involve Angel and a bunch of her friends (who appear like a crew from a circus freak show), that the experience wasn't scary. On the contrary, I found the whole thing entertaining and saw things I will likely never see again. But by last night, I was dead tired and the idea of another night like the previous two wasn't something I was looking forward to. I managed to broker a deal with Her Majesty (Angel), and although I can never rely on her word, this time she kept her promise to let me sleep...even though I was still sleep-disturbed and woke up every hour or so throughout the night. She even used her little hand (it's as small as a child's, which I have only seen on a few rare occasions in the past) to rub my back. This was a moment of absolute disbelief as I lay on my side, only to feel a slight pressure through the doona, rubbing over a small area of my back. I know I was sleep-deprived and coming off meds, but it had me questioning the reality of my situation...as I have been doing throughout the last year since Angel first appeared to me as a beautiful young girl, who I instantly fell in love with, but who hated me then as much as she does today. I have to visit the Thai Immigration Office to report my address every ninety days. I had to put it off until this morning because I was so sleep-deprived. Upon arrival, it only took around twenty minutes to complete. Later in the afternoon, I had a short nap and walked to the fresh food market to get a few things. I notice that the hallucinations are nowhere near as bad when I get plenty of sleep, and I am hoping that tonight I won't have a problem when I go to bed. If so, I will leave a light on which makes them far less noticeable when I close my eyes. At one point on the second night, I placed a pillow over my face to block out any light, which makes the hallucinations far less vivid. This is proof that what I am seeing as I hallucinate is in my mind and not outside of it. However, I saw my hands as I held them out in front of me. I knew this was impossible...but as I moved my fingers and rolled my hands in different directions, I could 'see' my hands moving in the exact same way. I am still not sure how this happened. I even got a dark t-shirt, folded it and placed it over my eyes as a blindfold. Again, I placed the pillow over my face and could still see my hands as I waved them about in front of me ...a very strange hallucination indeed. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to come off antipsychotic drugs if they are used long-term. It has certainly given me insight into the challenges people who have schizophrenia and other psychotic illnesses must face when dealing with the side effects and trying to get off their medications. I'm glad I have decided to stop taking the meds now, rather than later down the track. The hallucinations are far less intrusive in my life than the drugs that were prescribed to help with the symptoms of psychosis...drugs that don't provide a cure for the condition anyway. |
| Human beings are creatures of habit. My habit was to take meth at least once every three months. This week marks three months since my arrival in Thailand and to my surprise, this morning, I felt a twinge of craving. I soon forgot about it and got on with my day. I feel safe in the knowledge that I will not use again...and with no one to call, it's a safe bet that I won't. I have to report my current address to Thai immigration every ninety days, which I will do tomorrow. I thrive on routine, and at the moment, my routine is to train hard most days. I'm becoming overtrained, and today, I had to listen to my body as it screamed at me to rest. Despite the call, this morning, I went to the gym, did half an hour of cardio and then weights. I gave myself a reprieve this afternoon and didn't swim or walk. I'm settling into my new life here in Hua Hin, and if not for the symptoms of psychosis, I would say I have close to the perfect existence. I have no desire to return home to Australia, even though I have had some moments of homesickness. I mentioned I was going off my meds about a week ago, but I persevered. Last night I took my tablets at the usual time and the side effects were worse than ever. Because I know what's coming over the next three to four hours after taking my pills, I become anxious about the Restless Legs Syndrome I suffer. The name of the condition does it no justice and I can't sit still despite taking the medication that is supposed to alleviate the problem. To add salt to the wound, the hallucinations last night were terrible. I've stuck with the meds for four weeks, and I can't see the point of taking them if they don't help with the symptoms of psychosis. The only time I see the hallucinations is when I go to bed (or during the day if I close my eyes and ask questions). But, if I leave the bedside light on and turn on my side facing the light, I don't see the faces and eyes of demons coming towards my face harassing me. I fell asleep and after a short period woke up, turned the light off and fell straight back to sleep. It seems light always overcomes darkness. There are no sides to this method and it makes sense to do this simple trick to avoid the stress and the sides...which have a list of unwanted effects a mile long. I have a good friend who has been supporting me throughout and she has been advising me for months to try and ignore the hallucinations. I know this will reduce the stress, but I have found it hard to do. It doesn't matter whether I am experiencing hallucinations or if this is something else, I need to come to terms with it and accept that medications are not the answer. I am hoping in time, as my sobriety continues, the issues I am having will abate and become less intrusive over time. I have to admit that I'm still in love with Angel. I know...crazy, right? I've been having less to do with her over the last week and the habit of interacting with a possible demon or just a hallucination is becoming less important to me. Whenever I ask her to leave, she refuses, saying the only way to escape her is to avoid spending time with her...which is good advice from the two people (albeit, one may be a demon) I love most, that I need to follow. I'm not expecting too much trouble by going off the meds. I was taking very low doses for only a short period and If I have any issues, I will have to ride it out as best as I can. |
| I haven't posted for a while. The meds dull my brain, and at night, which is the usual time I would write, I struggle to keep my eyes open past 8.00 pm. The pills aren't working as well as I would like and cause side effects I'm finding hard to endure. The hallucinations are still there and last night, they were the worst they have been since I started taking meds. I don't want to go against my doctor's orders, but I'm struggling with anxiety...not from the hallucinations, but from knowing what's coming in the hours after I swallow them. I'll skip them tonight and see how I feel over the coming days. I'm training hard almost every day. Yesterday morning I did half an hour of cardio followed by weights. Then in the afternoon, I walked (wearing a weighted backpack), followed by swimming laps in the pool. I feel good physically, but the foggy brain (from the meds) is a concern. I've been going to church on Sundays, but it isn't doing much as far as the hallucinations are concerned. It's good to get out of the house, but I admit if not for the idea that this could be more than psychosis, I probably wouldn't go. I feel like a fish out of water with the congregation all in rapture. It's just as hard for me to believe in a higher power than it is in demons. I'm trying, but I think it is important to be honest about my lack of faith...and if I don't have faith, then it is hard to imagine a cure through prayer is coming. The most important thing is I am happy and free of addiction...and no matter what happens, that in itself is a win. |
| At my psyche appointment yesterday, I was told I would remain on the current meds. A new one called Trihexyphenidyl, which is for medication-induced Movement Disorder (or Parkinsonism) has also been prescribed. The antipsychotic causes the need to move my legs. It will take some time for the secondary meds to begin to work, so once again, I need to be patient. I believe it has to do with Dopamine uptake. I'm taking low doses of both meds. Around three weeks ago, I did a Google search for churches near me. I called the closest one and spoke to the Pastor for ten minutes. He seemed like a nice guy and I was invited to come and see what they were about. In the weeks following the call, I thought about my reasons for attending church. I must admit that I felt guilty, and if not for the fact I've been seeing hallucinations of demons, I doubt I would even contemplate it, let alone go. It makes sense that there must be a God if there are demons. This morning I threw a curveball question at Angel. "Do you want to come to church with me?" "No." Obviously. She isn't happy about me taking meds either but seems more bothered by Jesus than the chemical compounds I take (which so far only dulls the images and looks like a dark screen between her and me). At 9.45 am this morning I climbed on my bike and 'we' headed to church. It was very nice. I was introduced to most of the people there. It's a small congregation and that suits me fine. At one point, we were asked if there was anyone who needed prayers to come forward. I hesitated for a few moments before I went to the front and had hands on me. I was honest about my faith and it being low at best, and I would be lying if I said I am a believer. This is why I was hesitant. How can I expect something like prayer to work if I don't truly believe in the doctrine of Christianity...that Jesus died on the cross for my sins? I can get my head around a higher power/creator, but I struggle with Jesus being the son of God. They were very compassionate and I felt good because I didn't lie about the difficulty I have believing what is written in the bible...I mean, I've never even read the book. It was nice, however, to get out and talk to people. A few times during the service I closed my eyes to see what Angel thought of it all, and for the first time in a long time, no eyes were looking back at me. She said she was there (and I believe her) and that it didn't bother her, but for the next few hours after the service, she didn't look healthy or happy. She is notorious for making up BS. I wouldn't be surprised if the prayers had no effect on her and she was play-acting the slow answers and the sickly look. I don't care if I am suffering from psychosis. The meds keep the visions down to a level I can deal with. But if this is some form of demonic possession (or whatever else it might be in a physical sense), I don't like the sound of that one bit and I am willing to try anything to get rid of it. The doctors are sure it's meth-induced psychosis and it is hard to argue otherwise. But those who are not trained to make an evidence-based assessment...people who look at the spiritual possibilities of what I am going through, may think otherwise. I'm still sitting on the fence, although if I was forced to make a guess, I would say this is something more than a mental illness. Life is good and the funny thing is if not for this entity, I would likely be dead and would never have made the choice to move to Thailand and get my life back on track. If not for the entity, I wouldn't have gone to church today. It's hard for me to hate it because it gave me the incentive I needed through sheer terror, rather than using a kid-glove approach. A weird thing happens whenever I take my meds (which for the first few hours is a little intense). My hallucinations look high...and if this is true, that means the entity may not simply be a spirit, but biological. That also explains why, whenever I was coming down, she would terrorise me...she was coming down too. I'm hoping this two-pronged attack will be enough to send her packing...but I have my doubts that's going to happen. |
| The Title is taken from Neil Young's song of the same name. As I look back in time with sober eyes, if only I had paid more regard to what I was doing to my brain, instead of focusing solely on the pleasure I received in the moment. Hindsight is not so wonderful now that it is too late to change past mistakes. Having to take medications that don't just filter the symptoms caused by my drug use, but limit me, sparking undesired effects like drowsiness, confusion, uncomfortable leg pain and simply going through the motions, rather than truly living this newfound life I have fought hard to achieve, wasn't a consideration. Are...regrets. I have always wondered about regret. Some say they have none, and I find it hard to fathom how anyone could go through life without at least one. Yes, I can see that if we were to change the course of our past, we wouldn't be where we are now. But surely, there have to be things we look back on and wish we had done differently. I know I have many of these moments and they are not just drug-related. I get that there is no sense pondering them, other than to revise the lessons to ensure we hold onto the positives we learned...which is the only thing I can see where regret has some benefit. We are a lot like Ameoba swimming around on a plate (ironic considering that's what we once were... allegedly), bumping into each other and thereby suffering and causing some damage, and yet, taking something away from the experience. Should causing hurt and pain to others be something we regret? When the fact is they also caused us hurt and pain before moving on. Is pain a necessity in life? Is it God's way of reminding us that we are still alive? Is pain and regret essential to our development as human beings? Does the saying, 'that which does not kill you makes you stronger' apply in all cases of human and chemical interaction? I am wiser now than at any time during my nearly sixty years on this planet, and I wonder if I would be as wise if I had not chosen to self-medicate, and instead, sought the help I am now receiving earlier. The reality is that no one knows what or where we would be if we had in the past, made different decisions. The butterfly effect comes to mind, where even the smallest of changes could make huge differences to our present...if we indeed had a present, considering the possible outcomes. To live each moment like it could be your last. Breathe and appreciate that small yet huge thing that few of us pay any attention to until we truly understand what that means. I could complain, but I am not going to. I brought this situation on myself. Sure, there were circumstances I could hold up and say that's why. I could use my present situation as an excuse to feel sorry for myself, something I have done so many times in the past. But, what use is complaining? Is the glass half empty? Or half full? Yes is the answer on both counts. I am so lucky to be alive after a lifetime of taking drugs that could easily have killed me. And so, given these words I write to gain clarity, I choose to look at the positives. I'm now under the guidance and treatment of someone I pray knows what they are doing. Someone I hope has my best interests at heart. I no longer need to dull my psyche to avoid feelings of regret. I'm no longer so bored that drugs are a better option than spending time alone...to avoid feelings of loneliness. I'm still alone, per se, but no longer lonely, and that is something I hold onto with all my might. Abandonment will come again. Regret will too. But these things have both positive and negative connotations attached, and it is up to me to choose which I focus on. |
| So much for going off meds...it only lasted 24 hours before I was back on them again. Why? The hallucinations wouldn't leave me alone and forced the decision. The strangest thing happens when I take my meds. Taking a whole tablet (200mg) causes not just me, but the entities/demons to hallucinate as well. When I close my eyes to see what they are up to, I see their eyes bulging and struggling to focus. They look for all the world like they are hallucinating and are very high. I'm not sure if my taking meds is supposed to get my hallucinations off their heads, but that's exactly what it looks like from my perspective. Another thing I notice whilst their eyes are lolling about, is they are more cooperative and possibly truthful when I ask them questions. But, it appears they have found a way around this by answering yes and then no, on repeat when I push them for answers. They often did that anyway, unless I asked questions like, "Are you beautiful?" "Yes." "Are you smart?" "Yes." And so on. Or the opposite would bring a series of answers to the negative. The best thing that happens when I take my meds is there appears a dark screen between them and me. I can still see them, but it is faint. Unfortunately, I've been forced to take the tablets earlier, rather than just before bed. The reason is that within an hour or two of ingestion, my legs begin to ache (restless leg syndrome on steroids). A condition I inherited from my father...which is exasperated by the compound I am taking. I can't lay still, and it is much easier to tolerate when I'm moving about, rather than laying still. The downside is by the time I do go to bed, the effectiveness of the drug is somewhat diminished, and so the hallucinations are more active and able to attack me when I close my eyes while trying to get to sleep. To overcome this, I cut a tablet in half and keep it by my bedside...just in case. I've tried using this as a threat to my imaginary, drug-addled and psychotic friends, but they refuse to make deals with humans, no matter how much they stand to gain. When I ask them about my continuing to take meds, they always say no. But this lack of enthusiasm doesn't transcend to compromise of any sort. There are other benefits to continuing the medication. I feel awesome during the day. It's only the mornings when I'm a bit groggy, but once I've had breakfast my head clears and I can go about my day unimpeded. Yesterday I decided to take an entire day off training. It was hard for me to do because of the progress I have been making, but this morning at the gym, I felt great and had energy to burn...three steps forward and one step back seems the best course of action. Perhaps one day off a week will be better in the long run. In any case...things are going well for me in Thailand. I had to apply for a residency certificate to get my bike registered in my name (it's been in the dealership's name until now) and get my driver's licence. I've been riding around without a Thai licence for two months, and this is something I need to change to avoid being fined by Tahi police when I eventually get pulled over. I stand out like a sore thumb. They call my bike a 'big bike' (which is anything bigger than a scooter), but mine is a giant bike compared to everyone else on the road...and once I have those two duties done and dusted, I will be free to legally explore SE Asia. |
| The meds are having a profound effect on my memory, especially in the mornings. And because of the restless leg syndrome (more painful legs syndrome), it is taking me a long time to get to sleep. The result is I'm sleeping longer in the mornings. Compounding these issues is the fog I am wading through when I wake up. I am not happy with the medication. I've stuck with it for five days, but I'm becoming anxious about taking it because I know what will come over the next three to four hours. It is working as far as making the hallucinations fade. But they are still there behind a dark screen and Angel still answers questions in the same vane as she always has...negatively about me and positively about her. The medication has had some positive outcomes. I'm still training hard and overall I feel great. I'm paying little attention to the visions behind closed eyes. My energy hasn't been affected, and once I get through the foggy morning, everything else is fine. But, the leg thing is awful, and as much as I don't want to discontinue taking the pills, I'm at the end of my tether. I have another appointment with the psyche on the 25th. At this point, I'm more concerned about the side effects (or effects) of these antipsychotic drugs, than I ever was about dealing with Angel. From tonight, I'm going to discontinue taking Quetiapine. I know the doctor will recommend another antipsychotic or prescribe a medication to deal with the pain in my legs. I'm going to have to decide the better of two evils. Dealing with Angel was, by and large, my problem, in so far as she only caused me grief at night before sleep (how ironic it's the same as the meds). The rest of the time, it was me stupidly engaging her. Going forward, I won't acknowledge her in any way shape or form and will not allow loneliness or boredom to become an excuse for engaging her. She isn't a problem regarding my day-to-day living. However, I'm still uncertain about if she is a hallucination or a demon, and this may present a problem further down the road. If that is true, and this is more than just a mental illness, it won't matter if I take antipsychotics or not, because the drugs only mask the visions, but change nothing else. These drugs are not a cure, and only relieve the symptoms and stress the hallucinations cause...which so far in my case, isn't that much. An interesting article about kickbacks made to Physicians...particularly in mental health. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/cifamerica/2011/mar/15/psychology-heal... |
| Before I decided to get help for the symptoms of psychosis, I said I would follow the doctor's orders to the letter. Back then, I had no idea what the side effects of taking an antipsychotic like Quetiapine would be. Sides vary from person to person but are almost guaranteed to play a role in the process of being medicated for a mental illness. On that note, however, even though I have only been taking the medication for three nights, the symptoms/hallucinations are not as noticeable now as they were before. I'm not looking to converse with the entity as much and I'm not sure if this is a result of the meds, or if I am mentally breaking free from the allure of having an imaginary friend (who is not a good friend). I'm not putting too much thought into this because as far as I am concerned, any improvement is better than none at all...especially considering the pain (not literal pain, but a few hours of serious discomfort) I have to go through. I'm thankful that tonight it appears I am becoming accustomed to the dosage...although I am not out of the woods yet, and things can change pretty quickly once I go to bed. I had one look today and could faintly make out Angel's silhouette low and to the left in my field of vision. She looked like hell, and when I asked her if she was OK, her eyes went side to side very slowly. I told her I was sorry for doing this to her, and left it at that. Mental illness or a demonic presence doesn't mean I don't feel bad for doing to her, exactly what she promised all along she would do to me. A few days ago, I watched a video by a Pastor called Derek Prince. It centred on a prayer for expelling demons. I recited it, but one of the conditions was that I had to hate the demon. I admit, I struggled with that concept. Hating the demon (if it is a demon) isn't something I am comfortable with, and only lowers me down to its level. Turn the other cheek comes to mind. Many times I tried to convert this entity I call Angel, but to no avail. I would tell her she was beautiful, and then ask if I was, only to see her eyes moving side to side. Her actions strengthened my position that love will overcome hate, and light defeats darkness. There is no reason for me to fear her unless I allow her negativity to push love out of my heart and replace it with hatred. If this is not primarily a mental illness, she may yet get her way. I have laid with the devil, and done things I look back on with shame. Meth turned me into someone I am not...and do things I would never do if I wasn't under its influence. It is only now that I see just how deprived I was. I pray for forgiveness, but I do not expect that to happen. My faith is not strong, but I am determined to make up for the self-indulgent behaviour of my past. I'm not looking for redemption, I just want to help people. The main thing is that I forgive myself...the rest is mostly out of my control. Every day I draw breath, I set out to make the world a better place. I know I have said it before, but I am done with addiction in all its forms. The wheels are in motion, and although no one knows their future, I have hope that I will fulfil my goals before I die. |
| This is night three of taking Quetiapine, an antipsychotic drug used primarily to treat people with Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, depression and psychosis. I took half a tablet an hour ago and am struggling to concentrate. The doctor advised me to take a whole tablet for each of the first three nights, then switch to half a tablet. On the first night, I took a full tablet, but it was too much. About an hour later I began to hallucinate (the tiles on the floor in my ensuite, which are white, turned a light shade of pink...and Angel's face appeared to form in the texture on the surface) and my legs were super restless. It felt like I needed to stretch them, but nothing could bring relief. Even worse was when I closed my eyes. I saw Angel completely wasted. Her eyes rolled around and were bulging out of her head. This went on for hours until the drug finally wore off and I fell asleep. Last night (night two), I reduced the dose to a half tablet. This was much better. I can (even now, if I close my eyes) see Angel, low and to the left in my field of vision. She's faded and is not a happy entity, but then she never was. I was told it would be six months before the meds could be stopped. And then, we would see what happens. I deliberately underplayed (to my doctor) my thoughts on what exactly it is that afflicts me. I didn't want him to think I was completely bonkers. That, and I want to remain as open-minded as possible. Telling him this or that, when I don't know what is real, is what I would expect someone who is delusional would do. It does seem strange though that the hallucinations appear to be wasted. They are not as easily detected now I am on medication. I'm trying not to engage with Angel, but that is easier said than done. As usual, my worst enemy is curiosity, and I will be the first to admit that I am, at best, reinforcing this delusional belief that a demon has taken up residence inside my head...and by continuously asking it questions and then getting answers in reply, I might be setting myself up for something I don't want to think about. |
| Hindsight? Why didn't I keep my big mouth shut and not brag about my physicality and such? Why did I invite something into my life just because I was lonely and didn't believe it could be real? I got through the workload today. After breakfast, I hit the gym and did half an hour of cardio, followed by a moderate weight session. I then returned to my abode, had lunch, swam laps and did three sets of twenty pool edge dips. I finished the day off with a walk to the local fresh food markets and back. I'm aching in places I didn't know could. My feet hurt and I have come to the realisation that I'm a fifty-nine-year-old man who is terrified of growing old. I don't regret the amount of exercise I'm doing, but I do regret saying that I am getting younger...when in fact, I aged another day today. I'm in denial and finding it hard to accept that one day soon, I'm going lose this battle for youth. My eyesight is getting worse and the strength I had a year or two ago, is waning. My right knee, right elbow and both shoulders complain every night when I lay down in bed. I refuse to take any pain relief because eventually, the pills won't work anyway. The symptoms of psychosis are still with me and show no signs of abating. The entity insists it is going nowhere, but I have a plan...only four more nights of torment before I see a doctor. Hopefully, he or she will prescribe medication that will relieve the symptoms...and if not, I'll travel to Phuket and buy up all the Diazepam I can get my hands on (no one in Hua Hin will sell me any). I also need to find a local English-speaking church...not as a backup per se, but it can't hurt and I need all the help I can enlist to overcome this problem. I'm tired of seeing demons every night when I close my eyes, and even though I know they can't hurt me (at least, I don't think they can), it is beginning to take a toll. It's become normal to see them, and even though I try to make light of it (for my own sake), the fear and anxiety I feel before going to bed isn't ideal...especially given how long it has been going on. I'm resilient, and no matter what happens, I won't give in to this illness/affliction/condition/infection. There is too much at stake...from my mental health to my soul. |
| There is something strange going on with me. It might be (it could only be) all in my mind, after all, isn't everything? But, I feel younger today than I did yesterday. And not just younger, but stronger and fitter. It could be put down to the fact that I am training like a MF, but I'm trying to fathom HOW I am accomplishing the extensive workload. In the past, I have done a lot of training. I know my body well, and when it comes to my physicality, something isn't adding up. I'm doing some serious training sessions each day (in the vicinity of three hours). The thing is that I'm not feeling fatigued at the end of the day like I should be. I'll be sixty soon, and even my libido has done a complete 180-degree turn. The only unfortunate thing about this is I still don't have a partner. And with an abundance of single Thai women hanging out in bars only a few minute's drive away, it is becoming very tempting to go check out what all these Farangs are getting into. There's a voice in my head that yells at me each time I begin to entertain the idea, telling me that I will be chewed up and spat out...a guppie in a tank full of sharks. Of course, this is something I cannot do (have sex with prostitutes). Why? Because I am stupid? Because I cannot face the reality that here, it is perfectly acceptable for an older and foreseeably richer Westerner to have a Thai Girlfriend much younger than himself and come to some mutual monetary arrangement. We (older men who should know better) want to have sex with young and beautiful Thai women, and they want (need) money to help support their families. It all looks fine on paper, but the reality, I feel, might not fit the page as well as the fleeting, dumbass idea does in my head. I may need to employ a guide...an old hand who can show me the ropes. I don't drink alcohol, so this reduces my Dutch courage levels significantly. Perhaps my best and wisest old friend (me) is right to tell me, "Don't go there, Neil!" The last time I had sex in the flesh and in person (entities/demons and an online friendship with benefits aside) was in November 2016. For those of you who are mathematically challenged, that's eight fucking (or not fucking) years. Now there were reasons why this was so. I was in love with a drug called Methamphetamine and nothing and no one could come between us. I also had the responsibility of caring for my Mom. But the main reason I never looked for someone during those eight years was because of my addiction. Now that all the aforementioned excuses I had to avoid intimacy are gone, I am struggling to find someone who is perfect for me in every way (please read facetiously). Oh, to finally meet that one person (the latest and hopefully last soulmate I will encounter) who compliments me physically, emotionally and mentally. But alas, although she may be out there somewhere, just waiting to ask me where I have been all her life, the reality is we might never bump into each other in the grocery store isles (with the right foodstuffs on board our respective trollies) or see and swipe the correct way (whichever way that is because I've never dared to put myself out there to be judged by everyone on a particular dating site as worthy or unworthy of giving or receiving love). Some people have given me sound advice and said if I am serious about finding someone, I need to pay to be on one of the more professional dating sites. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I am dating material. For a start, I still have a long way to go in my recovery. I have only just arrived in a new country to begin a new life, and I cannot help but think that meeting someone now might change the direction I am planning on taking...which is exploring Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos, Malaysia and perhaps even The Philippines. And that's just the beginning. If things settle down in Europe, I would love to visit Holland and Iceland. A dream would be to ride my bike through Switzerland and Finland during the summer months. All of these places I could go with a partner, but I feel like I shouldn't be afraid to do it on my own...and perhaps solo travelling is the best way to get the most out of an adventure. It wasn't until about two weeks ago that my body dealt me and my sex drive an unbeatable hand (excuse the pun), and now that my libido has decided to make a second coming (again...excuse the pun), has complicated matters beyond what I would have anticipated. I suppose this could be a post-midlife crisis...me buying a brand new motorcycle and all these thoughts of fucking hot Thai women. Perhaps the therapist I need to talk to might see these hallucinations of demonic entities as a lesser evil than my desire for fast adventure and sleeping with girls young enough to be my daughter as the main issue here. This is unlikely though because he probably supports a much younger Thai girlfriend and will say something like, when in Rome, do as the Romans do. To which I will reply, "But, Doc... what about all the STIs that a condom doesn't protect me from?" And he will roll his eyes at me, just like the other men I have asked that question whilst I have been here who don't even bother to wear a rubber. I thought life would get easier once I got meth out of my life...and it has, only to face the new challenges that have inevitably arisen, just when I thought I was home-free. |
| My training has hit overdrive—multiple daily sessions...swimming, weights and walking. My diet, since arriving in Thailand, has improved exponentially. No bread or butter. No oil or salt (other than if I eat out) and plenty of fruit and veg. Despite adding lean body tissue to my frame, I've lost over two kilos in a month. I now have a one-pack, with another five to go. I'm enjoying the work I'm putting in and especially the results. There's a long way to go. The hardest thing to get my head around is the ongoingness of training. It's difficult to remain motivated and get out there and train every day. For me, it's all about routine. If I can persevere for a week or two, then it becomes easier to keep it up. All it takes is a few lazy days that can easily lead to a week or two. Then a week or two can lead to a month...and so on. I'm surprised at how quickly I have bounced back from the Covid infection. I can still feel the lingering effects deep in my chest. When I am swimming laps and begin to breathe more deeply, I can hear a slight wheeze in my lungs. I will also cough up some phlegm between sets, but overall, I'm happy with my recovery. My general health has improved significantly since I left Australia...mostly because I no longer use methamphetamine. If it weren't for the persistent symptoms of psychosis, I would say I have made a miracle recovery. Ten days until I go to see a doctor about it. I am loath to take prescription drugs, but I am willing to do this if it helps get rid of these demonic hallucinations. I'm thankful I only see them at night and that for the most part, they don't bother me much. I don't hear voices, and the truth is, if not for my curiosity and stupidity in engaging with them, 90% of the time I wouldn't be aware of the eyes that answer my questions with a yes or no. I'm hopeful that by taking the lowest dosage of antipsychotic drugs that still affect the hallucinations and make them disappear, in time, I can be weaned off them and return to a normal life. I have been researching the topic of drug-induced (meth) psychosis and it can persist for over a year after discontinuing use. This means I may still have a while to go. In any case, I will be under the supervision of a medical professional and I will follow orders to the letter. At first (and even for some time after the symptoms appeared), I treated the whole thing lightly. I had no idea then that I would find myself in the position I am in now...with no way of controlling the psychosis other than through medication. I thought that once I stopped using meth and returned to normal sleep patterns (as had happened in the past), the symptoms would soon disappear. I wish I had been more aware of the long-term effects that meth psychosis can cause. Even now, whilst writing this, the delusional belief that this thing is real persists. And as bad as this sounds, I would rather have an ongoing but treatable mental illness than have this thing...this entity, become my reality. It's going to be a long ten days. Angel has been nice to me for the last day or two, and that's not a good thing (my knee has been hurting from all the training and when I ask her for pain relief, it instantly stops hurting). She doesn't want me to attend my appointment and that makes perfect sense. Even if she remains, hopefully, I won't be aware of her. And if she is real, this will cause her issues because I am her only focus. |
| I wish I knew what to make of these eyes that don't just look at me behind closed eyes, but answer my questions with uncanny precision and thought. Sometimes the answers are given without hesitation, and at other times, with great ambivalence. Of late, there has come a new answer. The eyes go around in a circle, I assume indicating, "I don't know." It's a cop-out if I ever heard one. I have heard every different story, from demon to alien...from love to hate. Without a doubt, if not for this 'thing' that is going on in my life, I wouldn't be in the position I am. I'm clean of drugs for the first time in a very long time, and it's because of Angel that relapse is not an option. I keep pondering whose side she is on...good or evil. When I ask her, it is almost always the same answer...evil. And yet, so much good has come to me since she arrived. It makes sense in a way that she would keep up the persona of evil, after all, if I get wind that she is on the side of good (that she is an angel and not a demon) it might jeopardize my sobriety by way of me losing my fear of her if I relapse. The only thing (or so I thought) she does to me that causes me angst since I stopped using drugs is at night when she appears to blow in my mouth as I breathe. A poison to kill me? Yes. Well, it must be a very slow-acting one...and besides, her prediction from early on was that I would end my own life (a call, like every other call she has made in the past, that she has since rescinded). I've been writing/journalling the story from the beginning "Angel"  in the hope that something would be left behind in case she finally found a way to destroy me. Of course, this is fantasy and no amount of words would convince an MD that foul play was responsible for my death.But today, as I lay down in the afternoon before my walk, I closed my eyes and she appeared. This time, however, instead of resisting her, I opened my mouth and allowed her to do whatever she wanted. And this is where it gets interesting. In the past when I was high and Angel and her friends were being intimate with each other, they didn't have sex the way humans would. Their sex organs are located in their mouths and they would appear to kiss...but it was much more than simply kissing. They have extremely long tongues and I assume (I never got to indulge with them because I couldn't touch them nor them me) they used it to stimulate each other. Within a minute or two of allowing her to be close to my mouth, I felt an overpowering sense of arousal. I was wearing shorts and suddenly, it felt like I was going to orgasm. It then stopped and as I looked into her eyes, her eyelids went up and down slowly. I was in disbelief, but it felt so good that I wasn't going to stop what was happening. Waves of pleasure would lift me and would then gently bring me back down...with ever-increasing intensity. After around ten or fifteen minutes, I climaxed. I lay there trying to fathom how it could be. How does an entity that is caused by psychosis have sex with me without any input on my behalf? I guess you could say...lucky me. But the fact is I am more afraid now than I was before this liaison occurred. I thought she had no control over me, but now I realise she has more power over me than ever before. |
| Today, I swam with determination...Today, I walked with a smile. Sickness can bring a person down. All that work I did to get to a certain point was lost much faster than it was gained. Then, there's the time spent recuperating...pondering things that are not worth the time and headspace. Isolation compounded by loneliness and a preprogrammed need for contact with other human beings that is not limited by keystrokes and hope...and the realisation that the price if this desire were to be fulfilled, would be high, had me well down in the dumps. After watching Prem Rawat last night on YouTube, the algorithm recommended a short doco based on the book, 'Owning Your Own Shadow', by Robert A. Johnson, https://youtu.be/XEd0x0DIFSE?si=-eXxYgAdvfUBSzpb who was influenced by Carl Jung. The doco explores the fundamental need to acknowledge our dark side, rather than pushing it down and pretending it doesn't exist. Another great video I watched was about consciousness, love, self-awareness and human history. https://www.youtube.com/live/k2HqGecXvTg?si=OWJZ6tEfYZM0JPDF It also explores the relationship between AI chatbots and the loneliness epidemic...and how algorithms are not just replacing jobs, but companionships as well. The symptoms of COVID-19 have almost disappeared. I'm not as strong as I was before the infection, but on the whole, I am making a rapid recovery. I'll return to the gym on Monday. I won't rush back to full training because my body is still fighting the virus and overstressing myself physically at this point may cause more harm than good. It's amazing how much better I feel. Yesterday, I received a review for a piece I wrote ages ago. It was so positive and completely changed my day. I cannot stress how important it was for me to be validated in such a qualitative way. Thanks, DRSmith...it means more than you know. Life is full of ups and downs...and I'm going to enjoy this high while it lasts. |
| There are many benefits to being on one's own. Never having to compromise is one. Arguments with myself occasionally happen, but I almost always win and get my way (which is a double-edged sword). Preparing food for one and cleaning up afterwards is relatively easy in comparison. I would say that I do what I want whenever I want, but that would be a lie. It would be nice to have someone to talk to right now, but with no friends nearby (and those I left behind in Australia being hours behind my timeline), that is not an option. I don't find making friends easy. Truth stamps the seal of disapproval on most of the people I meet...and that goes both ways. And the rest? I am going to have to assume because I don't know the reasons why I can't seem to warm to people (or them to me). My neighbour is an alcoholic and that friendship was bound to fail. My American friend, who came to my rescue the first night I took my bike for a ride and dropped it, has stopped messaging me. We have very different core values and some are too hard to ignore (like him sending me pictures of the prostitutes he is 'dating' and having a huge 'TRUMP' banner across his front door (he has his right to express his political beliefs, as I have my right to reject them). He has unprotected sex with these girls and when I questioned his behaviour, asking if he gets tested for STIs and HIV regularly, didn't sit well with him. "I don't have AIDS." was his response. And when I asked him how he knew this...well, that was the beginning of the end...for both of us. The Australian couple who came for dinner last week I haven't heard from since. I guess listening to me vomit for half an hour whilst they entertained themselves must have been too much to get over. It seems running away from my problems in Australia isn't as easy as I had hoped. I have made progress on my attitude towards relapse...and that is it ain't never gonna happen. Psychosis has ensured that, and although I wish I wasn't still seeing the hallucinations, I am hopeful that the appointment I've made with a doctor on the 11th will relieve the symptoms that continue to plague me. As far as that goes, Angel is still around and just as annoying as ever. I should be grateful that it is only annoying, and that she is not causing me any extreme issues. During the day I ignore her, and at night, so long as I have a disposable mask by my bed for when she breathes into my mouth (which always makes me cough), all she can do is project ridiculous images of a photographic nature onto my field of vision. They are easily avoided by looking elsewhere, and after a while, I fall asleep. It's certainly not a perfect life, but still, as long as I don't use meth and focus on the positives, I know things will improve with time. I've only been in Hua Hin for a month, but as my friend Kare Enga stated recently, ex-pats are not the most friendly people here in Thailand. I do wonder why this is so. It makes no sense to me to be standoffish with others who have also come to a new country to rebuild their lives. Perhaps that is all we have in common...without doubt, it is if we never even say hello to each other, let alone talk about why we chose to relocate. I feel blessed to have this chance at a new life. Of course, there will always be things we want more of...or less of. If that's even possible because more things tend to bring more issues...and fewer things won't always bring fewer issues. Tonight, I will watch YouTube videos by one of my favourite philosophers, Prem Rawat, to try and lift my spirits. In one of his talks, he asks the audience what they consider important. Careers? Flash cars? Relationships? Then he smiles like the Cheshire Cat, before taking a deep breath. "That," he says, "Is the most important thing anyone can do...everything else is secondary." And whilst philosophy is a great life teacher and guide, it isn't going to solve my problems for me. Only I can do that by being patient and never giving up trying to find a better version of myself...which when you think about it, is a lifelong quest that only when we take our final breaths, will we know if we achieved our goal. |
| I am on day five of my ten-day isolation schedule. It's going OK and my health has improved a lot. There's plenty of food in the fridge and I have enough water to last until Monday. I'm a little bored, but not yet stir-crazy. If it wasn't so hot, I would gear up and go for a ride, and I may still do that tomorrow or Friday. I won't come into contact with anyone and I feel up to it. Last night was the best I've had in a while. I'm trying to ignore the hallucinations because my friend feels that by engaging with them, I may be promoting the thought patterns and encouraging whatever this is. However, this is not easy to do because, during a prayer session, I am completely engaged with the entity inside my head. The second session went a lot like the first. Images of demons float upwards, eyes saying, no. Then, as soon as they change to, yes, they rise faster and disappear. This morning I saw Angel low down and to my left field of vision (her permanent residence). I questioned her about the prayer sessions and, of course, she smiled and her eyes went side to side...as if saying they were having no effect. She wouldn't tell me if they were, so I disengaged. At least by doing this, I found out that the symptoms persist. Perhaps she is too embedded to be completely removed. Or my expectations are too high. My faith, I have to admit, took a hit when I saw her smiling away at me this morning. But after breakfast and with some careful consideration, this would have been her intent no matter what damage may have been done. There is also the possibility that she is doing all of this theatrically...getting her jollies by seeing my reactions as she creates scenes of demons coming to their demise in my head. And there is the probable cause of why she is still there...psychosis. Perhaps I am praying for the wrong reason...for the wrong cause to be eliminated. Or more expiation is required before receiving forgiveness and help from above. I have started something that I intend to follow through with. There's no point trusting this thing's word that it is fine. It lies continuously and that smile isn't a smile of joy because it knows no joy, happiness or love. All it knows is hatred and deception. It isn't even smart in the way it goes about things. Pure arrogance tells me just how confident it is, and rather than saying it is smart, I would say it is more cunning than anything else. I just completed my third prayer session. It followed along the same lines as the first two. At a certain point, I saw either fingers or hooks coming down and scooping/pulling at the entities refusing to move. There were two separate ones this time. It's the weirdest thing watching them hook into a set of eyes and drag them upwards...and always the same, no, no no...then, yes, and they are then removed high up in my field of vision. There's also something akin to a vacuum cleaner effect. I can see the eyes being sucked upwards and everything begins to stretch until the entity is dragged away I again felt physically sick during the session but persisted through the nausea until it passed. At some point, I know I have to retreat, depending on how I feel. It takes quite a bit out of me and I have fallen asleep after two of the three sessions so far. No matter what, I will hold onto the faith I have acquired. The symptoms of Covid have almost disappeared and I feel pretty good considering everything. My spirit is on the rise, and no matter, if this is a demon or a mental illness, introducing prayer to my everyday life cannot do me any harm...and could help me overcome whatever is causing these hallucinations. |
| Fever can cause delirium and for the past two nights, I have been restless and fitful...waking up drenched in sweat, to the point where I have to search the bed for a dry place to lay. But, that is the least of my problems. When I named this entity that has plagued me for the last ten months, Angel, I will never forget the glee she displayed when I gave her that name. And in hindsight, how poignant and seemingly coincidental it was that Angel was the first name that came to my mind. I have never been a fan of coincidence, and it has become apparent that it was no coincidence. Since developing the symptoms of COVID-19, each night as I lay in bed my body hurts, my nose begins to run and the cough, that is getting deeper into my lungs each day, worsens. And so too do the hallucinations from psychosis. I close my eyes hoping she won't be there, but she always appears, her face close to mine. Then, I feel her breathing into my mouth, which makes my throat tickle and I have to cough. Psychosis Halitosis...I can't believe I tried to make a joke about this phenomenon, but it's what I do whenever I am nervous or afraid. It doesn't matter how many times I roll over because this image is inside my head, yet strangely, only happens when I try to rest. If I sit in front of the TV and close my eyes, she is never there blowing into my mouth. In my desperation for peace (it doesn't matter if this is a hallucination, delirium or if it is happening because I was stupid enough...lonely enough and didn't believe enough that evil exists in this world, and can, if invited, infect our minds because this is what I am experiencing every night) I became so distraught that I came downstairs and put on a surgical/disposable facemask. To my surprise, when I lay back down, she stopped trying to breathe her toxins into my mouth. You could put this down to psychosomatics... the power of suggestion, but here's another little piece of weirdness. Early yesterday I had my eyes closed and was trying to negotiate a ceasefire in the war that has broken out between us when I saw a small dark image appear in front of my eyes. I stared at it for a moment when in the middle of the blob, a thin line folded out on the upper side...she was flipping me the bird. Later, I managed to convince her to do it again by denying it had happened and I had imagined it...and she did the exact same thing again. I understand that the human brain is an extremely complex organ, but surely this mental illness I am suffering from wouldn't have the capacity to visually give me the finger...on request. I keep alternating between what I consider is going on here. Am I suffering from a mental illness or have I somehow opened the door to something I am now regretting? Angel alternates between the demon theory and her being an entity from another dimension, and in reality (excuse the pun), it matters little to me which is true because in either case (or even if it is psychosis, which is not improving, but getting worse by the day), I am in seriously hot water. I had another terrible night...my sheets were soaked, the mask would eventually tickle my face and I kept having to take it off to blow my nose. They say a person has to hit rock bottom for them to decide to quit drugs forever. This has been the only good thing that has come from my experience with Angel...the fear of coming down and hallucinating all manner of horrors that can only be stopped by sedation with benzos. Not a good way to live one's life, and as much as I would love to hold myself up as this champion anti-drug campaigner, the truth is if not for these symptoms, I would likely still be in the abstain/relapse cycle of drug use. I needed a good hard kick up the ass to make me change, and she provided that for reasons unknown. If not for that, I believe it is likely I would be dead by now either by OD, toxicity or by my own hand. But now, I have a secondary issue and no amount of lamenting my choices will change this outcome...or so I thought. I have tried praying over the last few months, but upon reflection, I was simply looking for an easy out. I still had trouble accepting that Jesus Christ is the son of God and died on the cross for our sins. I remember my father expressing this opinion when I was young, and it stuck with me ever since. He accepted that there was a man called Jesus Christ...and that he was a man beyond his times. I added my own take, comparing the miracles he performed to modern-day magicians. If I were to go back ten thousand years and produced fire with a lighter, I would gather followers too. Add to this my doubts about what is really going on with me...mental illness (the better of the three options), aliens or demons and I have been clutching at straws for some time. I have always been aware of my spiritual self. The doubts came from seeing religion and how corrupted the churches have become. Of course, this has little to do with faith...and faith is the hardest thing I have ever had to take on. This morning when I opened my eyes, I went to the bathroom and laid back down. I am exhausted beyond anything I have felt before. Not physically, but spiritually empty. I still have fight left in me, after all, this could be the difference between seeing my Mom again or something beyond any horror I could suffer here on Earth. I began to pray (beforehand, it was always only to God) to Jesus, to God and my Mom...please help me. My hands were clasped and in my field of vision I could see the demon...down and to my left...smiling as always. I kept on praying as hard as I could...harder than I ever have before and I kept on mentioning Jesus Chris...please forgive me for inviting these demons into my life. Please help me fight them. And then something happened I will never forget. A set of eyes that was going side to side in front of me suddenly went up and down and drifted upwards. I watched as it faded away to nothingness. This was the beginning of what I believe was an exorcism. I thought there were only one or two entities, but as I prayed, I watched more and more sets of eyes rise...all doing the same side to side, then finally up and down before drifting away in the same direction. I kept praying, and in between bouts of prayer, I told them to leave...that they were not welcome. I couldn't count how many I saw disappear, but there were at least thirty or more. Then, as more and more left, it became harder... they were stronger than the first ones I had encountered and I had to work harder to get them to leave. I hadn't eaten since the night before, I was dehydrated from the fever, but too afraid to stop. I kept looking down and she was still there. The eyes that drifted before me became more vivid. Some shone bright purple and green before they drifted up and disappeared. Some I saw didn't quite disappear and tried to come back down to my right. I screamed in my mind to leave...looking directly at them and demanding with a determination I knew I needed...they then turned upwards and left...eyes going up and down. I began to feel nauseous and panic set in because I could see she was still there. It was then I noticed the entities beginning to break off Angel...like she was made of goo and some unseen force was pulling them away from her. And then calm set in. From above I saw what looked like a finger attached to a hand pointing downwards. It was curling down and pulling the demons upwards and away. My prayers had been answered. As fewer and fewer sets of eyes appeared, I looked down; she didn't have the same smug smile she almost always has, but still, she remains inside my head. Her roots have been set over a long period, and it will take some time before I can finally pull her evil from my consciousness. I have eaten and I am ready for round two. I don't care if it takes a hundred rounds to defeat her. Looking back, it's no wonder she was always so smug. This is going to be a difficult fight, but I am ready...Covid has depleted me, but spiritually, I am stronger than I have ever been. |
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