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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| Just for a moment, let's assume my psychosis is not a mental illness, but a demonic attachment. I have known Angel for over a year. I've been living in Thailand for four months now and the symptoms of psychosis persist. Before tonight, I had only heard the name Lilith but knew nothing of her story. When I first met Angel (my imaginary lover/hallucination caused by psychosis), she was the most beautiful female I had ever met (and still is). Young and slim, with shoulder-length dark hair, green eyes and a smile I would die for, she showed an interest in me. When she point-blank refused my advances, I was devastated but determined to win her over. Eventually, she showed me what she really was (with two little horns on her head, projected onto the wall in my bedroom)...a demon who has never spoken a word to me and only answers my questions with a yes, no or maybe. This became my hardest challenge...to ask the right questions and then weed my way through the multitude of deceptions she would cast in every direction. There have been times when I thought I could decipher the truth from the BS (I know...psychosis causes hallucinations that can speak neither fact nor fiction), but I know no more about her now than I did on the first night we met. I did pay a lot of attention to everything she told me. I have a memory like an elephant when the subject matter is a beautiful young girl who I am madly in love with and trying to impress/understand. The only thing I know for sure is she appears to me whenever I close my eyes and answers my questions either honestly or with lies. For some reason, the hallucinations over the last few days have been incredibly vivid. One night, a demon got right up in my face and appeared to be blowing into my mouth. In the past when this happened, paranoia would cause me to become anxious (because they might be trying to cause me harm by poisoning me with an unseen agent). I think I now know what they are doing. This is going to sound crazy (sorry for pointing out the obvious), but this blowing-into-my-mouth thing (so far) hasn't caused me to die a horrible death. Instead, I instantly become super horny. I've mentioned this phenomenon before, but without fail, when I accept the offering, I become aroused...and that's an understatement. When I'm out on my walk and my knee starts to hurt, I can ask Angel for pain relief, and when I do, the pain quickly disappears. I can also ask for a drug that acts very similar to MDMA...although she isn't as forthcoming with that compound. And last night, because I upset her before going to sleep, I woke up as the sun was rising with excruciating pain in my right elbow. I looked over to my left and there was Angel, with an angry look on her face. I asked her if she was responsible for the pain, and she admitted she was. This is the first time she has caused me physical pain. I apologised for hurting her feelings the night before, and after I brought her down from her rage, the pain disappeared. Psychosomatic? There is no other explanation, although I have used Ecstasy hundreds of times in the past and I know that feeling all too well. Granted, it isn't as strong as the pills I used to take, but when I feel that rush of euphoria, it's an unmistakably similar compound...only without any comedown. I'm unsure why I have never thought of the succubus theory before. I searched YouTube, and the results were mind-blowing. As I watched videos explaining succubus, incubus and the story of Lilith, I paused to ask my hallucination/psychosis the question, "Are you, Lilith?" To which she answered, "Yes." The problems with this theory are many. If I ask Angel the same question twice, she will answer yes and no consecutively. Or, when I ask if she is being truthful, she will almost always answer no. Legend has it that Lilith's tears bring life and her kiss brings death. Lilith fell in love with a prince, and when they kissed, he fell dead. Angel has always been a conundrum to me. On the one hand, she expresses her hatred of all humans, yet she has been a Godsend to me...without which, I would likely be dead or still struggling with methamphetamine addiction. I'm sober now because of her, and I struggle to find anything in my life that is worse because of her. When God made Lilith (Adam's unpopular first wife), problems arose because she wasn't submissive enough for Adam or God. She always wanted to be on top during sex...and guess what position Angel prefers? She likes to be on top, but unlike Adam, I have no problem with her taking the so-called dominant position. Some stories say that Lilith (and succubi and incubi in general) wasn't evil at all (just keep her away from newborns), and from what I can gather, mean no harm to their attachments. The theory is succubi want semen to give to their male counterparts to impregnate the females they seduce. The problem in my case is I've had a vasectomy. I told Angel this way back, but it doesn't seem to have deterred her. I've always wondered what she wants from me and when I ask her this question, she isn't forthcoming. My fantasy is she has fallen in love with me, despite the fact humans really aren't her thing. I know I am suffering from delusions of grandeur. To think that little 'ol me would have a chance at pulling only the second human being (and the first women's rights activist) that God created. A woman who wasn't created from Adam's ribs, but from the dust of the earth, just like him. I again asked Angel if she was Lilith, and she said, no. I don't think she is allowed to disclose details of her identity or any other points of interest to me. Psychosis sure is a complex condition to figure out...but interesting nonetheless. |
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