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1
1
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (4.5)
No time today, but will come back to check this out! ...RK
2
2
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well said, my friend, well said! ~ *Heart* ...RK
3
3
Review of Black and White  
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Overall impressions:

Excellent. Your descriptive powers are impressive.

Favorite line/stanza/paragraph/part:

I can't pick a favorite part. It is all good. I suppose I'd say the closing line is the best, if pressed.

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* I found no grammar/punctuation/spelling errors. *Thumbsup*

Misc.:

Keep up the great job!

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor; my field is journalism, and I am not in an way a poetry or fiction expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

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4
4
Review of Delicious  
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (5.0)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Overall impressions:

I could smell the earthy scent of wet wood when I read this! I love it.

Favorite line/stanza/paragraph/part:

Out of the blue comes the downpour
Drenching the savannah’s brown dominance
Turning the bleak to green translucence

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* I found no grammar/punctuation/spelling errors. *Thumbsup*

Misc.:

Thanks for the beautiful interlude!

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor; my field is journalism, and I am not in an way a poetry or fiction expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

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5
5
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (5.0)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Overall impressions:

I love this poem! It brings back memories, and it sent me mentally scurrying back to yearbook-signing parties at the Fitzgerald's little store across from the school.... Thanks!

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* Sometimes when I look upon September's since, Septembers needs no apostrophe, as it is neither possessive nor a contraction. Other than this, I found no spelling/grammar errors

Misc.:

Great job! *Thumbsup*

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor; my field is journalism, and I am not in an way a poetry or fiction expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

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6
6
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (3.5)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Overall impressions:

This story has great potential, but needs some careful editing for such bugaboos as punctuation, capitalization, grammar and excessive use of passive verbs. *Smile* You need to do a bit more showing and less telling with this one.

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* Rolo, the littlest wizard, waved his magic stick... Do you think "wand" would work better?

*Leaf1* glowing, as thought they had been painted with the dust of the moon... though (also, remove comma after "glowing"; perhaps: "glowing as if painted by moondust"..?

*Leaf1* but he could not get them to dance-- Particularly one butterfly . Remove second dash/do not capitalize "particularly" as it is in the middle of the sentence. You do this quite a bit throughout the piece. A careful read-through with an eye toward capitalization would be useful.

*Leaf1* "Oooh, I'll never get it right!” Thought Rolo, with great disappointment. "thought" should not be capitalized because, despite the exclamation point, it is part of the preceding sentence. Also, "with great disappointment" is very passive - perhaps: "stamping his feet in frustration" or "as disappointment furrowed his brow"...

*Leaf1* He knew that he was running out of time. Try to drop "that" any time you can. It's very often deadwood that should be deleted.

*Leaf1* There were only three more days before he would have to present himself before Windella, queen of the fairies, who gave all wizards and sorcerers their magic sticks from the branches of the “Great Tree.” Try using more active verbs throughout. For example: "With only three more days to practice, Rolo trembled at the thought of presenting himself before Fairy Queen Windella, who granted worthy wizards and sorcerors magic wands crafted from branches...." Also, quotations are not needed for the Great Tree. (You might give the tree a more colorful name. Authors often use key words from literature and mythology to name their characters' magic wands and etc. - The Wand of Icharis, The Great Tree of Akantha, for example - see: http://www.behindthename.com/nmc/myth.php for mythology names and their meanings)

*Leaf1* Over the years, Windella had become harder and harder to please Toward more active wording: "Windella had grown increasingly difficult to please with each passing year."

*Leaf1* He lived in a mighty castle, and when he was summoned by some king to make a potion to cure a sickness, or perform a spell to protect an army going into battle, he would travel with a grand entourage. He had two apprentices, who would follow close behind him, ready to assist in any magic First sentence is very long, and both could be more active: "He lived in a mighty castle. Often summoned by kings to make healing potions or cast protective spells over armies going into battle, Lorku always traveled with his grand entourage. Two apprentices followed close behind, awaiting his call, while another servant lead the mule-driven cart housing all his ingredients and potions." (mule-driven is a compound modifier)

*Leaf1* And there was Bome-ba, the dwarf, who beat a steady rhythm on a drum as they traveled, and shouted announcement of Lorku's arrival whenever they entered a town or village Active: "The dwarf, Bome-ba, beat a steady rhythm on the drum as they traveled, announcing Lorku's arrival with bold shouts as they entered a village."

*Leaf1* Oh, he couldn't event get those even

*Leaf1* “Only three days to go.” Rolo sighed to himself, as that one butterfly wandered off again. It seemed the only one who would appreciate his magic was Pookita-- who was spellbound. Need comma instead of period after "go". How about: "...go," Rolo sighed to himself, watching the lone errant butterfly wander off again. Pookita watched, spellbound. 'You'll be the only one who appreciates my magic old friend,' he told her."

*Leaf1* On the morning of the big day, Rolo woke up early "on" is another of those deadwood words it's best to avoid if possible. How about: "Rolo awoke early the big day..."

*Leaf1* Pookita, who had been watching Rolo prepare, gave a curious meow How about: Pookita meowed curiously, watching his preparations.

*Leaf1* At noon, Rolo and Pookita stopped by the side of the road to have lunch. After lunch, Rolo decided to practice his spell one more time The names are repeated in almost every sentence; substitute pronouns occasionally: "They stopped by the roadside at noon for lunch, after which Rolo decided to practice his spell one last time..."

*Leaf1* And finally, his servant leading the mule cart. This is an incomplete sentence: "His servant followed with the mule cart, completing the procession."

*Leaf1* "“I present the great and powerful wizard, Lorku. Conjurer of magnificence and Sorcerer to kings." Should be: "I present the great and powerful wizard Lorku, conjurer of magnificence and sorceror to kings!"

*Leaf1* He wasn't sure if he was supposed to bow or not "or not" could be dropped

*Leaf1* Lorku looked down at Rolo, but said nothing He just Need period after "nothing"

*Leaf1* and Rolo was even more sure that Lorku's magic would impress Windella. How about "even more certain", as "more sure" is a bit odd sounding? *Smile* Also could drop "that" for smoother flow

*Leaf1* When Rolo arrived at the Great Tree with Pookita, there was a grand festival underway More active: "Rolo and Pookita arrived at the Great Tree to find the grand festival in full swing."

*Leaf1* Windella called for the music to stop,. It was Drop comma

*Leaf1* With a deep breath he stepped into the clearing before Windella's throne, Pookita started to follow. Need comma after prepositional phrase "with a deep breath". Use period after "throne" to rectify comma-splice, or re-word: "Stepping before Windella's throne in the clearing, he breathed deeply, noticing Pookita starting to follow."

*Leaf1* Greetings Queen Windella, I am Rolo, Need period or semi-colon after "Windella" instead of comma

*Leaf1* As he swayed and swirled his magic stick, the butterflies began to dance, swirling and swaying with the motion of the stick. This sentence is very repetetive. How about: "The butterflies began to dance, swaying and swirling with the wand's motions."

*Leaf1* Rolo looked up to Windella on her throne, and thought he saw the beginning of a smile, And then that one Another comma-splice - need period after "smile". "And" is used quite frequently, often at the beginning of the sentence. You might want to go through and rework some of these.

*Leaf1* She crouched behind a a loaf of bread, and at just the right moment , she pounced Omit extra "a", and extra space after "moment"

*Leaf1* red punch washed over the table ruining all the deserts. Need comma after "table"

*Leaf1* BOOM-ba-ba-ba-boom-ba-boom!!” Second exclamation point unnecessary

*Leaf1* Fairies of th Great Tree! the

*Leaf1* The Sultan's of the east and the great King's of the north Delete apostrophes, as these words are not possessive or contractions

*Leaf1* powerful, Lorku!!” delete comma

*Leaf1* Suddenly there was a flash of light and smoke, and from it appeared, Lorku-the great. No commas needed in this sentence. More active: "From the sudden flash of light and billowing smoke appeared Lorku the Great."

*Leaf1* He was welcomed with cheers of awe from the fairies. Active: "The fairies welcomed him with cheers of awe."

*Leaf1* Lorku waited for the cheering to quiet and then he spoke "and" used too often: "Lorku waited for the cheering to quiet before speaking"

*Leaf1* stopped bowing and started watching he young fairies flying close by watching the...

*Leaf1* A panic instantly came over the fairies again, passive...

*Leaf1* Rolo looked to Queen Windella,. Her magic was so powerful, that with one word, she could stop the wild dragon, but she just sat on her throne calmly and looked at Rolo. Several problems here, beginning with the extra comma after "Windella". Corrected: "Rolo looked to Queen Windella, whose magic was so powerful she could stop the wild dragon with just a word. But she merely sat calmly on her throne, looking back at him."

*Leaf1* You have each shown the value or you magic to me today, and it it is my decision "your magic" (and, delete second "it")

*Leaf1* but he knew better Than to challenge "that" shouldn't be capitalized in the middle of the sentence

*Leaf1* the littles wizard littlest

*Leaf1* Lorku snarled at him, “Oh, shut up!” and stormed down the road with his servants following after. Drop "after". Might try: "Lorku snarled at him. "Oh, shut up!" He stormed down the road, leaving his servants scrambling to follow.

*Leaf1* And pookita said, "Meow." Beginning a sentence with "and" is generally not a good idea. Cat's name should be capitalized. The period should be outside the quotations, since sentence begins outside quotations.

Misc.:

This is a cute story with great potential, as I said. You might tinker a bit with the sentences to eliminate passive verbs wherever possible. Think of it this way - active verbs carry the story along, while passive verbs lie flat, leaving the reader to do all the work. *Laugh*

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor; my field is journalism, and I am not in an way a poetry or fiction expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

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7
7
Review of The Vision  
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Overall impressions:

This poem has a heavy message that is belied by its almost sing-song rhyming pattern. You portrayed the dream well, but I wonder if free verse might not have served your purpose better.

Favorite line(s)/stanza/paragraph:

And now I wonder why we are there,
Over in some foreign land,
Losing men and losing wars,
And maiming both child and man.
We say we are fighting Communism,
And that we’re destined to win,
But I think what we’re really doing,
Is spending money and killing men.


Your message is clear and easily understood within the dream framework. *Thumbsup*

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* I sat up with and rubbed my eyes, This line, the first of the fifth stanza, seems incomplete. Sat up with what?

*Leaf* I guess I saw what other do, Did you mean "what others do"?


Misc.:

This poem brought back memories of school days, when we bought POW/MIA bracelets and prayed for "the boys to come home". As I said before, you present your story in an understandable fashion, but I'd tinker with the rhyme - perhaps use free verse or at least loosen up the meter and use some oblique rhyme to remove the sing-song, nursery rhyme quality when read aloud. A great book on the subject of rhyme and meter is "How to Write Poetry" by Diane Mehta - 2008 Spark Publishing, New York.(I realize you wrote this quite some time ago, and you may wish to keep it thus. Just suggesting.) Keep writing! *Thumbsup*

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor; my field is journalism, and I am not in an way a poetry or fiction expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

There is always room for reasonable discussion;
there is never reason to argue.


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8
8
Review of Asleep  
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (5.0)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Overall impressions:

This poem demands a second and even third read to reveal the full and weighted impact of its words.

Favorite line(s)/stanza/paragraph:

Look deep within the marbled face
lined mirrored images, see your own
likeness reflected there.
Linc Berndt left a flag behind.


Beautiful. *Thumbsup*

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* I could find no grammatical/spelling/punctuation errors *Bigsmile*

Misc.:

This poem speaks to us of imprisonment and freedom reflected in many different ways. Great job! *Thumbsup*

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor; my field is journalism, and I am not in an way a poetry or fiction expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

There is always room for reasonable discussion;
there is never reason to argue.


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9
9
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Overall impressions:

I greatly enjoyed the imagery in this work.

Favorite line(s)/stanza/paragraph:

The final couplet, which I'll not copy here, hit me with a shiver. I love that! *Thumbsup*

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* I found no errors in this poem, and can make no suggestions for improvement.

Misc.:

Great job! *Thumbsup*

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor; my field is journalism, and I am not in an way a poetry or fiction expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

There is always room for reasonable discussion;
there is never reason to argue.


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10
10
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like this one, but the punctuation made me wonder a bit... why put a semi-colon after "like" in the first line of the first stanza? It breaks the sentence in half, and is very confusing. I think you should take a hard look at punctuation throughout. In the third stanza, I'm not certain what "doef doef" signifies, as it is supposed to "warm those windy months"...? Would it be more appropriate as:

Preparations began - the distant sounds: doef, doef,
to warm those windy months; sparkling decorations

I think the overall theme and message of the poem are hidden under confusing punctuation. Uncover it and let it breathe. It's worth it! ~ *Heart* ...RK

There is always room for reasonable discussion;
there is never reason to argue.


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11
11
Review of Ballbreakers  
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nice picture of your friend. So many times, those little moments with folks is what we remember. Our family recently lost a favorite uncle, and we've been helping each other by recalling his sense of humor, and his spiritual bent. It's so healing.

A few questions, though... How about "oh", rather than "o" in the first stanza? Would you consider dropping "away" from the final line of the fourth stanza and "will" from your final line? I think it would make it a much stronger poem.

Thanks for letting me play in your sandbox!

There is always room for reasonable discussion;
there is never reason to argue.


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12
12
Review of First drum set  
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Thumbsup* As I found this poem absolutely delightful, with nothing to "critique", I'm dispensing with the review tool and just adding a note here to let you know that, as both parent and poet, I found this to be one of the better poems I've read lately! Great job! *Thumbsup* ~ *Heart* ...RK

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13
13
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (5.0)
As a former newspaper editor/columnist interested in poetry, I found your article refreshingly straightforward and useful. *Thumbsup* Thank you for addressing the subject of poetry contests in such a clear, open manner! (I marked this as a favorite, so I can prepare a few poems for the contest.) As I found no errors in your work, I'll not clutter this review with the usual trappings of such. Thanks again! ~ *Heart* ...RK

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14
14
Review of Not Forgotten  
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Overall impressions:

This poem has a beautiful, haunting quality that belies its darker mask. I primarily enjoyed the pace and rhythm of the piece which, for the most part, carried me smoothly through to the end.

Favorite line(s)/stanza/paragraph:

I let the fume replete my lungs
I let my soul take flight
Before the darkness overcomes
There is a flash of white.


I think this is the heart of "Not Forgotten", and perfectly expresses its conflicting message of a heart that desires love, yet longs for release. I also loved:

When the past haunts and the future distresses
The present withers away.
When all three times stand ignored
What’s left is love, they say.

But, I wonder if you thought of adding an extra syllable into your third line, such as: When all three times stand bleak, ignored...?

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* In the eighth stanza, third line: "Beneath the many colored flowers," - many-colored should be hyphenated, as it is a compound modifier. (Did you considor "multi-colored"?

*Leaf1* As I said, for the most part, the reader is carried along effortlessly upon your words, and I enjoyed your use of oblique (slant) rhymes and varied line-lengths, which prevented the piece from sounding "sing-song" and simple. You might try reading it aloud a few times, however, (or have a friend read it aloud to you) because, in a few spots, the reader is "called up short" in the flow.

Misc.:

The emotion here is unmistakable, and the melancholy tone reminds me of "romantic era" poets I loved as a teen. *Thumbsup*

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor; my field is journalism, and I am not in an way a poetry or fiction expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

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15
15
Review of Junkie  
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Although it doesn't call to mind beautiful images, the writing here is quite nice! I'm interested in where this piece was published. ~ *Heart* ...RK
16
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Review of Out of place  
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice! I think we've all been in that position, seeing ourselves and yet someone else staring back from the mirror. Keep experimenting with poetry - it's a rewarding pursuit!

Just a few suggestions:
*Leaf1* Second line: "i" should be "I", & need semi-colon after "the face is not mine;"
*Leaf1* Third line: again, since both parts of this sentence could stand alone as separate sentences, this line should be separated by a semi-colon, rather than comma: "eyes too narrow; face too long;" (the word, "is", is of course implied)
*Leaf1* Seventh line: "cant" should be "can't"
*Leaf1* Last line: as you have diligently punctuated the preceding lines, your final line needs a period, or elipsis ("Out of place...")

All in all, though, a thought-provoking work. Great job! ~ *Heart* ...RK
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17
Review of Dream With Me  
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (5.0)
Absolutely beautiful. *Smile* No suggestions for improvement. I saw no spelling errors, and loved the message. The repetition works well to accentuate your message. Thank you for sharing! ~ *Heart* ...RK
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Review of Halloween  
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a clever acrostic, which brings to memory cool nights walking about town with my children as they "begged" treats from our neighbors. Good job!

My one question concerns the use of the word "trundles", which means to move heavily, on wheels (as a trundle bed) ...perhaps "ambles" or "saunters" might better fit?~ *Heart* ...RK

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19
19
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed the easy, gentle flow of this poem and I think your choice to shun capitalization and utilize only the most sparse punctuation aids in the quiet feel of the piece. *Thumbsup* ~ *Heart* ...RK
20
20
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (5.0)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best but who, alas, is far less than omniscient. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

This is a beautifully tender, loving poem that touches upon much deeper, painful emotions. I loved the work's simplicity, and your use of assonance throughout.

Favorite line(s)/paragraph:

You eyed me, tried me, took me apart,
Then neglected, rejected, and broke my heart.


Suggestions:

*Leaf1* I think you could replace a couple of your commas with semi-colons;

Molded, shaped, formed and sculpted;
You did all that, and made me yours,

Without a touch, or backward glance;
You walk away, I'm in a trance.


I'm lost again; I've lost my soul.
You made me feel; you made me whole,


But I am strong; I will survive;
I will get up, stand tall, and take the pain


Misc.:

Other than those few spots, I could find nothing about your lovely poem that merits editing. *Thumbsup* Absolutely beautiful!

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor, and am not in an way a poetry expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

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21
21
Review of Whispers  
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (4.5)
Beautiful and comforting poem. I especially loved these lines:

He'll whisper to you with each breath of wind,
Touch you with each flake of snow.


My only suggestion is: place a comma after "you" in:

He'll meet you to be your guide.

Thank you for sharing this. ~ *Heart* ...RK

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22
22
Review of Out My Window  
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (4.5)
Excellent! I could almost see the swaying branches.

Favorite line:
Ropy rhizomes
stretch fingers out
across the yard........
plunge then ascend like an
ancient land-locked sea serpent.


Keep up the good work. ~ *Heart* ...RK

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23
23
Review of Mon Mari  
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (4.5)
Beautiful! *Smile*I'm assuming the specific capitalizations within the poem are for emphasis... My only suggestion is: "lavender scented" in the third stanza, second line, should be hyphenated, as it is possessive of "air". ~ *Heart* ...RK

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24
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Review of Towards There  
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (4.5)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best but who, alas, is far less than omniscient. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Favorite line(s)/paragraph:

Surrendering to all that you impart,
in flesh as well as in the spirit realm.


Suggestions:

*Leaf1* In the title, I wonder why "Toward's" has an apostrophe, as it isn't possessive of "There". Shouldn't it be "Towards There"?

*Leaf1* I wonder if the eighth line would not be stronger without the word "and". With a semi-colon after "underwhelm" in the previous line, it would work nicely:

as we forgive the ones who underwhelm;
help us with our cravings and our blames,



Misc.:

Kudos, on an imaginative and lovely interpretation of "The Lord's Prayer"!

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor, and am not in an way a poetry expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

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25
25
Review by Cherokeescribe
Rated: E | (4.0)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best but who, alas, is far less than omniscient. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Favorite line/paragraph: This stanza really expresses the family's distress:

She knows that the flames of the stove
May light the little almanac,
But can’t warm up a leaking house,
Nor the room of the ailing child.


Suggestions:

*Leaf1* But what thoughts do bring forth those tears, Do you think this may read more smoothly without the word "do"?

*Leaf1* Who knows it but the grandmother? perhaps drop the word "it"?

*Leaf1* This is the cause why flow her tears.
What else can do the grandmother?
This passage seems a bit awkward to me. Perhaps: This is the reason for her tears that threaten the tired grandmother ...?

*Leaf1* Let’s see what does the grandmother. also seems a bit awkward. Suggestion: What action's left for grandmother?

Misc.:
Good job in taking this poem in another direction! I entered this contest as well, and found the form quite challenging! Please feel free to help me improve mine with a few sorely-needed suggestions.

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor, and am not a poetry expert by any means. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

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